Friday, January 23, 2015

I'm a complete and utter (hehe, I said utter) Math-Challenged MORON.

Nothing is more gratifying than when you realize you are a total freaking moron. Especially when you put your moronicness (totally a word) out for all the internets to see.

I'd just like to clarify that I am in fact 33 years old. Years young. What the hell ever. I'm FUCKING THIRTY-THREE. Not 32. Not 34. Not 23, which is what I pretend sometimes when I do stupid shit, that's not related to trying to figure out my age.

I believe however, that this is the most epic of stupid shit that I've done in quite a while.

If you read my post yesterday, then you know I mildly freaked out and thought I was 33 (soon to be *gasp* 34), but somehow missed normal second grade subtraction and thought I was 32. Like, seriously spend 48 hours thinking I was 32. Told my trainer I was 32. POSTED ON THE BLOGGY I WAS 32. Told ALL the people I was 32.

When clearly, it's not only gloriously posted right under my picture to the right here----------
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |
                                                                                                                                                                  |----->
BUT anyone that has a grade school education can figure out that I'm actually 33. Not 32.

I think my math teacher of a mother (who taught me all though high school) is extremely proud of me right now.

Actually, Mother, I blame you. Yup. That's what's going to happen here. I not only inherited your side of the family's classy ditziness, but you neglected to teach your OWN daughter basic math skills. Yes, this is all your fault. (Again, I might be acting like I'm 15 at the moment, but let's not dwell on that, mmmkay?!)

And since I'm going to redirect my ignorance here, and continue on the Mom-Blame-Game, I'd like to share with you all EXACTLY where I come from.
This was Mother's comment on a post I put on FB the other day:

SEE PEOPLE?!?! SEE!!!!

All Heifer Free.

I'd like to be all heifer free as well Mother. But I'm referring to my heifer sized ass.



In other news: Day 2 of my Sugar Overload Diet commenced with my employee bringing in fresh, straight from the oven, still radiating warmth, Krispy Kreme Donuts this morning.
I've had 2.
I'm thinking about having another.
FML



Thursday, January 22, 2015

Kinda, but kinda not Ten Things Thursday.

I've eaten nothing but chocolates today. Russell Stover chocolates. Some Vallallahalla or something chocolates from Minnesota. More Russell Stover chocolates. Ugh. I suck at life.

Anywhoozle.

You may (or may not) have noticed that I changed up my page a little. I decided that I wanted to add a little somepin-somepin to my title. I may just end up changing it even more. So it's like Beer, Dogs, Beauty, Baby, Chocoholic, Randomness, Obsessions, I Miss Summer, and Getting Healthier. Catchy???? Ya, I thought so too.

Well, since venturing into the wonderful world of beauty products in October, I've kind of gone ape-shit for makeup. I know. I'm shocked myself. Coming from a girl that thought 'dressing up' was to include tinted chapstick into my minimally done makeup routine (and by minimally, I mean eye liner. Maaayyyyyybe some mascara, if I was feeling overzealous. Which never happens.) So, for me to now think about eye shadow AND foundation AND mascara AND *gasp* blush......shit's hit the fan peeps. But what's cool.....I freaking LOVE it! Maybe it's the artist in me, and thinking of my face as a canvas, or some shit like that. Or maybe it's because I'm a late bloomer and only started maturing into my 'teen years' in my thirties. Which, btw, I COMPLETELY thought I was 33 the other day. Seriously and positively thought I was going to be 34 in April. And kinda had a mini-stroke thinking about that. Until my friend graciously pointed out that I'm only 32. But, for realz people, I can't even remember how old I am. AND I'M ONLY 32! Jesus tits Mary Mother of donkey balls.

OH, back to the topic of cosmetics. Yes, I've become slightly obsessed with it. I even started a Pinterest page. (You can find me HERE, if you want to follow me. You should. Because it's cool. Just like me.) Anyways, so I'm going to start posting about new beauty trends on here and other amazeballs stuff. It won't take up all my little bloggy, but since it's something new and exciting for me, I figured I could share with The Cool People (that'd be y'all).

In completely unrelated news. I have a mini-me.
My bro and I. Circa 1985, I would have been 4ish.

Miss Dillyn. Age 17mo.
I would just like to point out the size of that child's head. As my lovely friend Amy from Once Upon A Time In The Land Of Cheese & Sunkist pointed out.......big headed babies are IN. This girl would win any big-head contest. Hands down. 99.8 Percentile people. LARGE AND IN CHARGE. I mean, look at her little toothpick arms. I think she's got more cushin' for the pushin' in her damn cheeks than she has on her biceps!!! But don't worry y'all. She got my Ben & Jerry's. Thunder Thighs. Big on the bottom. That's my girl. Takin' after her Mama in more ways than one. So proud.

This was kinda a 10 Thing Thursday. Minus about 7 things. But still! It was random! And it's Thursday!

Cheers to beers y'all!!! I might actually partake tonight. Cause I can. Yup.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Clumps are OUT! Younique 3D Mascara Tips!



I found some great tips from another blogger on using your you Younique 3D Fiber Lashes Mascara! I already use these tips and thought posting them on my blog might help a few of my #BOOMlash Ladies!!! If you've got clumps, it could be because one or all of the following:
1) You’re using regular mascara underneath your 3D Fiber Lashes. Yes, the insert that comes with Younique’s mascara says to use over regular mascara, but as you know, all mascaras are not the same. Try using your 3D Fiber Lashes without regular mascara underneath. You just might like it. Note: I don’t use regular mascara underneath the Younique mascara. It’s my preference and I’ve found that I like my lashes better when I’m only using Younique’s. If you are adamant about using mascara underneath, make sure you are using a “lengthening” mascara and not a “thickening” mascara as this can cause clumps.
2) Using too much gel or fibers. **This is a GREAT tip** Sometimes when you first start using the gel, a lot of it gets on the lash brush. Try scraping a good amount of it off. Use less gel and less fibers, and build “layers” versus trying to achieve the look with one coat. The mascara is buildable so use less, just more coats. For example: gel, fibers, gel. Let sit for 30 seconds then gel, fibers, gel again.
3) Not letting the fibers set long enough. If you don’t let the fibers set long enough and stick to the gel, it can cause the fibers to stick to the wand. Below is my method to applying 3D Fiber Lashes. Switching off between eyes gives the fibers time to set and won’t come off on the gel wand, which can cause clumping. But be carefully not to wait too long, because the gel will dry and then the fibers won't stick. Try applying Younique 3D Fiber Lashes Mascara in this order:
  1. Gel eye 1.

  2. Gel eye 2.

  3. Fibers eye 1.

  4. Fibers eye 2.

  5. Gel eye 1 to seal it up.

  6. Gel eye 2 to seal it up.

  7. Repeat to continue building on the length/thickness.

Hope this helps! I'd love to see pictures! Post some on my Facebook page HERE or email me!!




Thursday, December 11, 2014

Beauty is.........




I found this quote and became obsessed.
Miss Sophia really knows her shit.

Put your sweats on, this is long. But at the end is something that's the most amazing thing and I'm so proud to show y'all!!!!

I'm sure anyone and everyone that's decided to get on a journey of weight loss or healthification (it's a word) has heard the advice "Well, it starts on the inside. If you don't feel beautiful on the inside you won't feel beautiful on the outside." Yuh feel me peeps? Ya, that's right. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I'd heard it before. I even thought I knew what it meant. But for some reason my brain was so obsessed with fitting into my skinny jeans that I never really paid attention to what I was feeling on the inside. I mean, don't get me wrong, being that I suffer from depression, my inner demonbitches are constantly fighting. It's like sorority-sumo-chocolate-pudding-wrestling inside my soul on a daily basis. So i'm pretty in-tune.....most of the time....with my feelings. I ain't gonna to lie tho, I never, NEVER, thought about working on beautifying/healthifying my soul. Where's the conveyor belt of death for that shit, HUH?!?!

Well, things didn't start clicking for me until recently (need I remind you that I've been on this 'journey' for like 5 years). I've never been one to doll myself up on a regular basis. I mean, I work in a warehouse people. Where I get paint and ink and all sorts of chemicals all over myself. And then I go home, crawl right into my sweats and play with baby girl. What's the point, right? Might as well do the minimum, that way there's less to wash off at night. Or better yet, don't wear anything, that way I don't have to exert the enormous amount of energy to take 2 minutes out of my evening to wash my face before bed.

Then, one day things changed. A friend of mine told me to try this 'magic' mascara. It's supposed to look like you're wearing falsies, but it's just mascara. About as normal as what I would wear every day. So, I'm like, OK, whatevs, give it here. And.OH.MY.GIDDY.AUNT. It was amazing! I put it on and my eyelashes were sooooooooo long. I didn't even realize I had short eyelashes until I saw myself with uber glam lashes! It's funny, I felt instantly prettier, just by that.

So, of course I had to get my own. And actually, I ended up liking a lot of the other products that this company produces, so I thought what the hell, I'll just sign up and get a shitload of stuff, and if I sell some.....Great. If not.....no biggie.

Now, keep with me here, because it's not all about this make-up stuffigans.

Once I got some foundation, and new eye shadow, and lip gloss (that I actually freaking liked), I started getting all fussypants every day. I started waking up 20 minutes early just so I could play with how I wanted my eye shadow to look that day. Was I feeling Fierce???? Mmmm, maybe. Was I feeling Devious???? Hum, could be. I could be whatever I wanted!

All the sudden, I started noticing that it wasn't about what shade I put on my eyes, or what lip gloss I wore that day. It wasn't about the 'outside'. I actually started to feel pretty on the inside. What the whahhhhh????

That meant that I somehow felt 'ugly' on the inside before. Which is totally baffling to me, because, of course, I have my shit together people. All the time. Shit is together.

But if I'm now just feeling pretty on the inside, then that's proof that my shit is definitely not together. Or not as together as I thought.
Interesting dear Watson, Interesting.

I started walking around with a new confidence. I started to pay attention to what I wore. And what jewelry I chose. But even more than that. My whole attitude changed. Not towards other people.....well, maybe a little bit towards other people.....but really, my attitude with myself. Or towards myself. I actually, for the first time in probably my adult life, liked who I saw in the mirror. And not because of the make-up, or cloths, or jewelry. I really, truly liked the real me. The 'inside' me. Dare I saw the beautiful me???? I think so ladies and gents! Dolphin claps for me!

For some weird, twilightish, so-normal-for-me reason, a little mascara made me shine. It made me realize that I am beautiful. On the inside....and outside. No matter what my weight.

OH. Ya. My weight. Right.

Hold on to your shitter seats y'all.

Through this entire magnum revelation, I had been eating like a gopher training to be a super-hippo. Cupcakes??? Why not. Pizza????? Morning, noon, and night??? Bring it on. I gave less than 2 shits about what I was shoving in my face or why I was shoving it in my face. I ate it all people. Ate.It.All.

So here's the real mystery: How, if I was eating at my unhealthiness, weighing the most I have in 6 years, having less energy than a dead beat sloth, did I feel beautiful?????????????

Riddle me that shit Einstein.

For once it wasn't about my weight, or how I vaselined my Ben & Jerry's into my fat jeans every morning.

It was about....................what???? Happiness? Acceptance? Courage? Honesty? Realization?

Really, I think it was about all that. And more! It was about: Who gives an elephant's ass what I look like on the outside? How I 'appear' to other people? How I 'appear' to myself's obsession with society's image? How I have a little (or sometimes a lot) busted can of biscuits over my pants? None of that really matters. In the long run. I mean, we all know that. It's just hard to believe it. Or accept it. But for some reason, for me, it started with a little 'magic' mascara. And it grew. It grew to be a love for the inner me. The 'me' that really matters.

Once I realized this, it was like I was blinded by knowledge. Straight up walking on the face of the sun blinding.

My weight didn't matter.
My happiness with myself mattered.

And just like the magic mascara, I somehow got my shit together....finally....and started treating my body the way I felt on the inside. I wanted the outside to match! Genius!

And here's the results after 4 weeks:

Yup. Proud.
I am so proud.
I'm on track. Finally!
And that was almost a week ago. Just this morning I weighed myself, and I'm at 150.6!!!!!
150.6!!!!!
That's pre-baby weight y'all!!!! Finally. 2 years later.

And besides realizing my beauty within, it had a lot to do with my diet and my training group (SHOUT OUT to Tamra, Kayla, and the Presidente of Pain.....Morgan!).
What's my diet you ask? Oh, you know. I eat air, with a side of celery, dipped in water.
Ya. It's rough.

Seriously, I just quit eating shit. I don't rely on food to get me through an emotional state. I don't gorge myself whenever I feel like it because I want to.
I eat when I'm hungry, and then, I only eat normal healthy food. No take out. No junk. No NUSSING!

Everyone wants to know 'the trick'. I don't think there is one. I think it's truly up to you. Decide what makes YOU feel beautiful...on the INSIDE! Seriously. Once you feel beautiful on the inside, no matter your weight or eating habits, you'll feel beautiful on the outside.

Now go forth and be beautiful!!!!



Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Soooooo, this happened.....

1. I only gained 2 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend. Mainly from booze. I'll take it! Damn that delicious eggnog, Damn You!!! And my Mother for buying it!!!
DRINK ALL THE EGGNOG!!!

2. We left Dillybean with the grandparents last Saturday and Saturday night for much needed 'Adult Time'.....aka, going back to my college hometown and pretending I'm 22 and don't get hangovers. BTW, I'm not 22 and I totally still get hangovers. Just to let you know.

Anyways. About 2 hours into my parents watching Dillyn, I get a text.




And not just any text.





This text:



Yes.

Yes, that's right.

My only child.....................practicing her bronc riding stance on a horse.

ON.A.FUCKING.HORSE.

I leave her for 24 hours and this is what happens. *shakes my head*

Not only did she ride the horsey's, she liked the horsey's. Not afraid one bit.

I'm in such deep shit.

Then my Mother had the audacity to say, "Well, I know what I'm getting her for Christmas now!!!!" All cheerful and excited-like. I wanted to smack her upside the skull, and say, "Get your shit together Mother, you're not buying her a pony, for fucks sake."  But in reality, I just gave her the death-glare and said, "Um no. No pony's for Christmas." Of course, my Mother laughed her ass off and said, "Ohhhh, I wouldn't do that!!!"  Uh huh. Sure you wouldn't. If you do end up getting her a damn pony, I want you to know that I'm going to save up all that horse's shit and drop it on your doorstep at least 3 times a year. Just sayin'.



So, ya, Thanksgiving was awesome.

I drank all the calories and learned my daughter isn't even afraid of a 6 foot tall four legged beast that outweighs her by 1265 pounds. Super.Duper.Awesome.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

It's been awhile.....

Well, hello there blogosphere, my blogpeeps, and interwebs! It tis I, the LauraBelle, the LB, the one who hath abstainith from Blogland for ENTIRELY too long.

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I know. You missed me.

But life has taken over. And by life I mean this chubby cheeked sassypants:
She was Boo from Monster's Inc for Halloween. Twinkies!!

Already taking our own selfies. Lord help me.

First 'big girl' pony tail. 
Ya. I did good on making her. I know. lol. Dillyn is truly the best thing I've ever done. And she's such a good baby!!! I lucked out. Seriously. But I know the 'next one' will probably be a holy terror. There's no way in Hell that I have a good dog and a good baby and will luck out with another good child. Life just isn't that sweet. It actually sucks donkey balls most of the time. So, ya, I'm not looking forward to that shenanigans. **Let me be clear....I'm not pregnant. Nor will be getting pregnant for awhile.....Mother**

In other news......I've pretty much been doing the normal, day to day crap. Like work. Which blows. But what can you do.

Oh, and I've eaten cupcakes every fucking day for like a year. And then there was pizza. And burritos.
And assloads of soda. And another cupcake or 12.
Just fucking shoot me.

I can't stop! Seriously! I just have no willpower to stop putting junk in my piehole. Yummm, pie. Damn it. No! Ok, it's really out of control. I haven't gained a whole lot of weight really, I'm hanging steady at about 163ish, depending on how the flat chested bitch from Sca(Hell)ville decides to react. [Did ya get that?!?! I put hell in scale! I'm a genius. Don't hate.]

I just feel horrible. Just horrible. It didn't help that I changed depression meds and they pretty much made me go cray cray. Well, not purple-straight-jacket-crazy, but definitely pretty sadpants looneytoons.
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It was the worst. I wanted to eat my feelings away, drown myself in Mt. Dew, and crawl under the bed and not come out unless someone gave me a (you guessed it) cupcake. BUT! Luckily I realized what was going on and went to a nurse practitioner at my therapists office and she put me back on zoloft, but just upped the dosage. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
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It really is. Magical. Really.

And it's only been a week!

I've already started eating better. Granted it's only been a few days, but I haven't so much as sniffed a snackcake. Dolphin claps for me! Bonus is I signed up for a trainer at our local Y and she's the bomb.com. I went in with my friend Tamra and another girl that we met, who's just as badass as we are, and we go once a week. I want to start going to the gym at least 3 times a week. Or at least working out 3 times a week, whether that's at home or the gym. Starting next week.
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Damn skippy!

I mean, Dillyn is 15 months old. 15 MONTHS! And I haven't done shit but eat my way thru a Little Debbie factory.

What's ironic is I only feed Dillyn whole, organic, clean food. Rarely does she get anything that's processed. And the only time she's had sugar or chocolate was on her birthday. I know, right!!! If I can do that for her, why the Hell can't I do it for myself! And for Ryan!

So in true LauraBelle fashion, I'm starting over. Again. It's not about how many times you fall down, right? It's about getting back up again and slamming my fist into Mr. Unhealthy Habit's crotch. I want my daughter to grow up with healthy habits, and she's going to lead by example......so it's time to shape up or ship out. BOOOOYAAAAAHHHHH.





Thursday, June 5, 2014

Ten Things Thursday

Another day of the most unrelated subjects that my cray cray brain can think of. Cause that's the way I roll.

1.  I've been doing a lot of gardening lately. Both in the veggie and flower gardens. The veggie garden is fully in and thriving. Well, actually, part of it isn't thriving. All my (8!) tomato plants and (5!) pepper plants bit the dust. Literally. Those bastards.

Apparently, the free manure I put in wasn't composted all the way and burned up the roots. I just hate it when shit is too hot.

But everything else is going berzerk! My squash and zucchini (total 4) plants are HUGE. My (8) cucumber plants are about ready to be led up their trellis (I like to grow mine 'up' at an angle, keeps them off the ground and gives you more room in the garden). The (9) strawberries are doing awesome. I don't know if I'll have berries this year or not. We'll see!  And my ocra, onions, carrots, radishes, and MORE are loving life! I've had lettuce and herbs up for a few weeks and I love it!

However. What I don't love is how pretty I look when I get done tending to my babies.
Sweatypants

I did leave a little dirt on the ground.
 I'll post pics of the veggies later, but here's a pic of the little pots I put at the end of our driveway:

Ain't they purty?!
I just love all the rustic and old pots!!! That's all I use. Mostly. I have a few clay pots, but generally most of my pots are old buckets, or pans, or whatever!

2. I've kept up with my 3 30-day challenges!!!!
I love it when hotties approve.

But to be honest, I haven't been perfect.
Shocker.
I know.

I completely forgot to do them on Friday, Sat. and Sun.
Yes.
Forgot.

I blame the mommy-brain-from-fuck-you-Forgetfulville. Seriously. Friday, I was on my way home. In the car. Thinking, I HAVE to do my exercises when I get home. I NEED to do them the MINUTE I park my jeep, grab my purse, baby bag, groceries, water bottle, extra sweatshirt that's been in my car for months, mail, and whatever else I can brake my shoulder off carrying, then haul baby and said crap in the house, unload baby from the car seat, put her down with some toys, go back to unloading the crap from my arms, remember I forgot something, run back to the jeep, come back in and baby needs food, put her in the high chair, cut up fruit, throw cheerios in her direction, notice the dog is doing the potty dance at the door, let him out, baby needs her sippy cup, mommy needs a sippy cup.....of BOOZE, change clothes, baby's done eating, put her on the floor, dog wants in because it's hotter than the surface of the sun outside, I finally sit down, and oh wait.......what was I going to do right.when.I.got.home?????? 
Drown myself in alcohol because that's what mommy's do.

See how I can forget to buckle my bra and walk out of the house with the girls a-swingin'? Let alone remember to do 40 crunches, 84 squats, and 1000 push-ups right when I get home?

Ya.
So, the rest of the weekend pretty much went the same. I thought about doing my work outs multiple times! Swear! But by the time I got done doing blah, blah, blahbity blah, I had forgotten and already had a beer in my hand.

Ryan finally said something Tuesday to the effect of, "Ummmmm are you still doing your challenges????"

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Yes. Yes I am. And then I plopped down and did them right then and there.

And I've been doing two-a-days since then to catch up.

My abs feel amazing btw. And so does my ass.
I love two-a-days.

Basically I'm on day 8. Which I'll do tonight. (Already did day 7 this morning). And then I should be generally caught up.

3. Someone woke up from a nap with some serious bed-head the other day.

She wasn't too happy with me for sitting her up to take an embarrassing picture of her rats nest.

So I laid her back down.
Much better.
And her hair looked even more fantastic.

4.  I was running late-ish this morning and didn't have time to pack my lunch.
I was really wanting taco shop.
Which is basically a gut-bomb fast food mexican place that is irresistible.

I opted instead for a salad from the grocery store. With lite dressing. And I only ate half. (Because they fool you with what looks like a 'small' container, but after you fill it up with all your veggies, it weighs about the same as a baby elephant. Tricky Tricky.)

#winningatlife.

5.  I have had cold sores on my face for 3 months now. 3 FUCKING MONTHS.

I'm tired of this shit.

They may not look too bad in the photo, but they are. They basically look like 6 bright red clown noses attached to my face.

It's bullshit I tell you.

I've tried everything from pills, to creams, to essential oils (lavender and thieves), to taking extra vitamins to boost my immune system, EVERYTHING! Nothing is working.
Which reminds me, my damn doctor was supposed to get me referral info for a dermatologist 3 days ago.
bitches.

Well, just made an appt at the derm. Guess I'm going to have this shit on my face for the next 4 weeks, because the soonest they could get me in is JULY.
bitches.

6. I'm going on an adult, girls only, trip/concert tomorrow!!!! WHAT?!?! No baby. No husband. I don't even know how to react to this. Just me and my buddy, Emily. We're hitting the road and going up to Manhappiness to see her favorite band The Wailin' Jenny's.

I haven't really listened to them much. But I've been spotify-ing the crap out of them this afternoon and I'm diggin' them!!!!

However, they're playing outdoors at the city park. Which is cool and all..............except you can't drink or buy booze.
Oh the horror.

So, I'm pretty sure this is going to happen.

7.  I love summer and the beautiful sunsets!

We sat outside last Friday night and it was gorgeous!
Someone really enjoyed it.


8. UPDATES ON MY HOMEMADE CRAP.

Remember how  I made my homemade laundry and dish washer soap (LINK, #9)????
Ya.
Well, the laundry soap is still working out pretty good. I mean, it gets the clothes clean, but if there's any really caked on mud or stains I've still gotta use OxiClean spray before I wash it.

The dish washer soap on the other hand is a big fail. *sadface*
It worked for the first few washes, but now the dishes aren't so Mr. Clean Clean.

BUT! I did make my own chocolate syrup!!!! And it ROCKS!

Homemade Chocolate Syrup

  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Hershey's)
  • 1 cup water
  • dash of salt
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
In a small saucepan, add sugar, cocoa, and salt.  Whisk together gently.  Add water.  Bring mixture to a boil, stirring occasionally.  Reduce heat and cook 1 minute.  Remove from heat and add vanilla.  Cool.  Store in the refrigerator.
It's a little more runny than the store bought stuff, but tastes EXACTLY the same. I ended up just putting it in an old Hershey's bottle, so it works perfect!

Seriously. Never buy that store crap again. This stuff is amazeballs!

9. BTW

Just in case you were wondering.

10. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!

CHEERS!