Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Death by Bootcamp, brought to you by The Princess of Darkness. Kill me now.

Here it is. The day after my Torture Class, and I want donuts.

Christ on a maple glazed crutch!!!

Oh, wait, let me back up. I haven't told y'all about Death by Bootcamp Torture Class have I?! Well. Just hang on to your ill-fitting sports bras for this jazz.

So my bitch of a friend Tamra, bless her little heart, talked me into working out with a trainer once a week. And this was about 4 or so months ago. This is how I met The Princess of Darkness.....aka Morgan. She is The Evil One. Satan's Mistress. The Chief of Demontorture. The Enemy of Fat Righteousness. The Destroyer of Flabtasticness. Ohhhhh how I love that petite, little, shredded, uber-fit Princess.

And after about 3 months, little Miss Tormentor mentioned that she was starting a 3-day a week bootcamp.....for 12 weeks. Why? Why do you do this to me?!

Of course my little exercise pal Tamra was ALL about it. And of course, she pestered me and bullied me, and finally FORCED me to do it with her.

We're now in Week 2.
I have reached new levels of muscle soreness. Like I can't pee without using the hand-rails so sometimes I hold it so long I contemplate just letting it go in my office chair, but then realize that eventually I'll have to get up and everyone will see that I peed my pants, and I won't have pants to change into. But even if I did have extra pants I couldn't get into them anyway because I can't bent over or move my legs like that anymore because THAT pain is way worse than using the hand rails to squat over the porcelain throne. So, I get up and pee. And save myself once again from embarrassment.

What was I talking about before the peeing?
Oh ya, Week 2.

So, last night, I'm feeling all superpower like and jump my flabby ass on Conveyor Belt of Death (otherwise known as the Treadmill) and decide to warm up by doing a little mile.
I'm feeling good. I'm owning this shit. I'm rocking out.
Mile up!
Sweet! That wasn't so hard!
Let's do this bitches!!

So I stroll all badass-like over to the Personal Training Area and the Queen of Suffering says, 'Why are you all sweaty?'

To which I reply, with a big ol' shit eaten grin, 'I just warmed up! I ran a mile!'

Hippy Skippy and Dolphin Claps for me.

She glances at me, with almost this look of pity, and says, 'Oh, well, then you're not going to like what we're doing today.'

Mother of all things EVIL! She's making us run MORE!!!

I was not prepared for this. I thought my running was done. Whyyyyyyyyyy!?!?!

Oh, and get this! My little partner in crime, Miss Tamra wasn't even there!!! (not that it was her fault, her daughter was sick, but STILL!)  There was only 3 of our 7 ladies there last night. But we three ROCKED IT! We're the A Team! Forshizzle.

The workout started off all 'I can do this!' But that wimpy enthusiasm quickly took a hike. It was four stations, with four exercises each. You did each exercise for 40 seconds then rest for 20. Then you took a quick break and moseyed on down to the track to do a 1/4 of a mile (2 laps).

First, not bad.
2nd....kinda felt like my lungs were a twinge warm and I had a funny tingling in my legs.
3rd.....pretty sure I was going to die.
4th.....couldn't breathe, seriously contemplated crawling the 20 feet back to our area, and absolutely positive I lost my legs on lap 1.shitmypants.

Morgan's just sooooo mean!

But, I do really love her. Because she's going to destroy my batwings. I just know it.


Ok. I don't want donuts now.
I want a freaking ice cream truck.
And a Hostess Factory.

75 more minutes until almost lunch time.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Did you know carrots are great Makeup Tools?!

Someone has decided that EVERYTHING is a makeup brush...or lip gloss....or something that you rub on your lips or face.

Yes. Everything.

Oh, there's bottle of sunscreen on the floor???? Lets use it like it's a blush brush and rub it all over our face.

Oh, there's a small bottle of (sealed) Essential Oil sitting on the counter, Lets use that as lip gloss and rub it all over our lips. And Mama's lips. And the dog's lips.

Seriously! It's Everything! Dillyn will pick up the most random thing and start rubbing it all over her face! lol. It's hilarious, but super strangepants at the same time.

Once, she grabbed a baby carrot and started rubbing it on her cheeks and forehead!

And, just yesterday, we were outside playing (because the Weather Gods pulled their heads out for a quick second and gave us a brilliant weekend full of 70 degree weather. However it is short lived, because it's supposed to get down to 40 on Thursday. But no fear! It goes back up to 60 this weekend. Jesus, Mary, and El Nino, can they just make up their freaking minds already?!?! It's like the Weather Gods took an IV of Red Bull, then popped a few Speed pills, as they hang out in their purple straightjackets because they're Schizos). Moving on. We were playing outside and little Miss Beauty Queen in the Making was drawing with sidewalk chalk, and I was being the good mother that I am, and sitting in a lawn chair, reading a book, and drinking a beer. All the sudden I look up to see what she's drawing...........and OH.MY.GAWD. She's taken the black....BLACK.....chalk and is drawing all over her lips. Like she's putting lip gloss on.

Ohhhhh child of mine......

I quickly jumped up and said, 'No No!!'
To which, she replied with, 'NO! NO!' (freaking sassypants) And then turned 90 degrees and took off at a full run in the other direction. Laughing & squealing like a hysterical person the whole time. Continuing to rub the black chalk all over her face.

She's 18 months people. And it's already starting.

Is this why most mothers have sippy cups of Mommy's Special Drink with them at all times?!?!

It's nice to know that Dilly's a little girly. But even more nice that her favorite word right now is DEER, and that she has no problems digging her little fingers in the mud and wiping them all over herself. (Because that's what she did when she dropped the black chalk. *shakes head*)

Here's a cute little video of her using the proper tools to put on 'make up'!