Thursday, September 27, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

Ok, y'all.


FYI: Prepare for picture overload. You have been warned.

1. Last weekend was A BLAST! To say the least. There was lots of family, friends, beers, stump, KSU FOOTBALL KICKING OU'S ASS!!!!!!!, and fishing, shooting, laughing, buried food, and fried catfish. You know, random. Like me.

Lets start with the food.

We cooked a chicken, pork shoulder, and a buffalo roast all in the ground. Like as in buried. Under dirt.
Seems legit.

But actually it turned out ok. Better than ok, really. It was freaking awesome.
First was to wrap it in foil then in a burlap cloth.

Next is start a fire in a hole and let the coals get really hot. Put a piece of metal on top of the coals, the meat on top of that, then another piece of metal. Throw dirt back over all of it.

Finally, after numerous hours of cooking, you use a excavator (yes, this is mandatory) and dig the shit up. Being careful because it's H.O.T. That's why we made Ryan go in there.

And wah-lah!! Meat! And it was DEEEEEEeeeeee-Lish!

Sorry, that was a really detailed account on how to cook meat in the dirt. You guys probably don't give two shits about that huh? Well tough shinaynays.

2.  Next thing about last weekend, the local Pow-Wow was happening just down the road. Remember, my mom lives on the Indian reservation. Normal.
Well, since my cousin's baby (my godson) was named after my Dad, Na Se Ka, (pronounced Nah Say Kah), we wanted him to experience the festivities. So we all headed over.
All the people in costume.
Hardy was kind enough to take him out for a traditional Indian dance. It was so cute, Akahi (Na Se Ka) was bobbing his head up and down to the drums.

3. Once we got back to the house and people started to arrive and we got our shoot on. Lots of guns. Lots of amo. Lots of dead targets. We even blew a few things up, but sadly I didn't get pictures of it.
My cousin Corey shooting a pistol. That piece of metal is a goner.

Cousins and Hardy deliberating over guns.

See all the guns and shit on the ground. That's not even a fraction of what we had.
Notice we all have beer in our hand. Clearly we're not worried about mixing alcohol and high power fire arms. It's fine.

4. After the shooting came the KSU vs. OU football game. This was a big one peeps. BIG. We were completely not favored to win. But I knew that we'd give it our all. Turns out we KICKED ASS!!!! And OU played like stomped dog turds. But a win's a win!

Apparently my Aunt Linda got super excited and forgot that she had her grandson AND a beer in her hand. Little Cale really, really wanted that beer. He may or may not have gotten his lips around that can. Linda's not telling.

Woops. Got caught. That's my cousin Kaycee, Linda's daughter and Cale's mom coming up wondering what Grandma is doing. Way to start him off early Linda. Good job Grandma!

Corey and Akahi playing.
Proof of a DJ. In the driveway. Only way to go people. Only way to go.
And while most people were inside watching the game, there was a few of us that decided to multitask the situation. Yes, that is a TV. Outside. This is how we roll in the c'untry. It only gets better folks.

Why, yes, that is a stump on the deck. In front of the TV. That's outside.

And if you can see in the upper right hand corner, there is the cooler. Safe and sound. Next to the stump.One stop shop on that deck. Beer, TV, and Stump. Genius.

 And these are the yahoos that organized this glorious hickfest decision on playing Stump and watching the game outside.
Kelly, Tom, Moi, Pat, and Ryan
Um, yes, I will confess. That is a beer in my hand. I just couldn't NOT drink at this huge family function. So I went off the meds for 2 days to enjoy myself. Don't hate.
However. My badass cousin Kelly (on the left in the picture above) made me an actual 'I Kick Ass' metal.
It was purple and sparkly and everything. And I wore it. Almost all night long.
God I love my family.

5.  And here is the proud family we were celebrating:
Corey, Jessica, and little Akahi. And Hardy photobombing in the back. Thanks Hardy.

6.You know how I complain that my mom and Hardy love my husband more than me? Because he gets all this cool shit when he goes to their house. Like guns and knives and hats and other bullshit. Well, I can no longer complain.

I'm holding my very own 30-30 rifle. It was my Dad's first gun. And it's all mine now.
That means I own 2 guns. TWO. We're going to need a bigger gun safe.
Shit, don't tell Ryan that.

7. Speaking of guns. Guess what this girl's doing in December????
Finally getting my hunter's safety!!!!!
That's right little deersies, you are goin' down. Down.Town.
Well, not downtown. Just down. As in my deep freeze. In my basement.

8.  So, the other day I decided to go shopping. I was in search of a semi-fancy-pants dress that I could wear this weekend in Chicago, but no dice on that. *sadface* Instead I found some cool mint jeans that I've been freaking dying to try on.
I so thought I was going to look like this:
Instead I looked like an hippopotamus chewed up 1200 giant pieces of Spearmint and regurgitated them in the leg holes of those jeans.
Not pretty folks. Not pretty at all.
So much for the fad of colored jeans for this girl. She needs to slim down the Ben & Jerry's first (that would be my thighs).

9.  OH YEAH!!! So I'm leaving for Chi-town in a few hours!!!! Take that BITCHES!!!! Well, that was a little uncalled for. I apologize. My excitement got a little overwhelming there.
I'm meeting up with a community of wonderful women, whom we all 'met' in the blogosphere, and have the common connection of wanting to be healthier! I.CAN'T.WAIT.

Bag is packed. BTW, totally fit all my shit in my carry-on. It can be done.......Angela!
(Also, in my tossing and turning last night I started to have a panic attack that all the shit I'm going to buy up there isn't going to fit home and I'm going to do the ugly cry. So........genius that I am.........I packed another bag!!!! That way I can check one bag on the way home, no problem! You may call me the Genius Queen Packer.)
Also got my boarding pass is printed.
Stellar traveling outfit is on.
I'm ready to ROCK people!!!

All I want to do is shop, and eat, and shop some more, and laugh, and shop, and be with many lovely ladies!

I will miss my Drazzy tho. *sadface* But we WILL meet one day. That you can be sure!!

10. That's all for now everyone! I'll leave you with this funny:
Made ya giggle a little, huh?
Yeah, me too.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

3 Years

It's been 3 whole years since I finally got my hubby to tie the knot.
3 years.
156 weeks.
1096 days.
26297 hours.

And I wouldn't change that time for anything.

Ryan and I met in college, at KSU, in his final semester.
I was totally and completely NOT looking for a boyfriend at the time. I was getting ready to study abroad in Paris, thinking about moving to some big city, and the only serious relationship I had was with the local bars.

But then my friend decided to go 'out', and she invited her cousin, who invited all these guys that I'd never met before. Now, you have to understand, I knew my friend for like 5 years, and I also knew her cousin for 5 years. And we had NEVER met his 'other' friends until this night. Weird.

Anyways, we all go out and my friend and I are trying to ditch the boys all night. Didn't want anything to do with them. At.All. But this one guy was a smidge persistent. Finally, I agreed to dance with him, and for those of you that know Ryan and his spectacular dancing skills, you're probably wondering why I didn't run for the hills right then and there. But I didn't. I did laugh though. A lot actually, at him. But, I kinda started to think that he might not be a bad cuddle buddy, so I began flirting. And the powers of my flirt can't be denied people. So obviously he fell for my amazingness.

We all went back to his apartment for late night pizza and more beer. Because, clearly, drinking for the last 6 hours straight wasn't enough, and we needed to stay up 4 more hours, shoveling our holes with greasy pizza and chugging booze to get the real effect. Ohhhh college, how I miss you.

The first moment I walked in, I noticed that he had a mount of deer antlers on the wall. The first words out of my mouth were literally, "Wow, that's a nice rack, did you shoot that?"

Pretty sure Ryan's heart did a little pitter-patter, his mouth dropped to the floor, and he knew right then and there that he better whip out his best charm because he couldn't let this girl get away.

We ended up staying up till the sun rose, just talking and laughing, and finding all these things we had in common. It was a little freaky, I tell you, but in a good way.

Three years (I think, it could be four, I'm not sure it's been so long) after that first 'date' (if that's what you wanna call it), Ryan proposed on our dock at Table Rock Lake. And another year after that, we walked down the aisle as husband and wife.

Somehow Ryan's been able to put up with my batshit crazy life, my laziness, my slight obsession with shoes/books/nic-nacs/clutter/basically a bunch of crap and my little crush on the other Ryan (Reynolds). And I think he loves me more because of all that.

Truly, there is no other person on this earth that I love more than my husband. I never knew love could be like this, until I met him. And I can't wait to love him even more, for the rest of our lives and beyond!







These pictures are a little old. Oh well.

Again, over a year old.

And BTW, Ryan doesn't have a shaved head anymore. God we suck at taking pictures together.

I love you honey!!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

Is it really Thursday? Already?

Wow, this completely-sober-shitfest-week has just flown by.

1.  Since temps have dropped below Satan's-ballsack-hot around here, I've been leaving the poor abused puppy outside during the day. NOT all cuddled up in OUR bed, like normal. Well, yesterday morning, I left him in because the husband still hadn't gotten up for work, so I just figured he'd put him out when he got up.  Usually, when Wyatt stays in, I put his little blankey on the bed, to protect the comforter from his nails/hair/dirt/mud/smell...whatever. Well, yesterday, since I knew that Ryan would let him outside, I just made the bed as normal, but opted not to put his blankey down.

I got this text at about 9:30 yesterday morning:

First of all, is that not the most pitiful site you've ever seen?! You're welcome Cat for starting off with a Wyatt pic!!!
Second, if you get past all the 'pitiful me look', notice something missing from the bed. Yes, yes, that is correct. Y'all are so smart. His BLANKEY is NOT on the comforter.
Sneaky spoiled rotten furball.
Someone got a serious lecture when I got home last night.

2. Last weekend we went to the Ranch. My mission was exactly this: sleep, read, watch movies, sleep, read, sleep some more.....then watch another movie. I'd just like to point out I dominated that mission.
Like a boss.

Ryan's mission was to climb up trees and do boy things.
I guess you could say he completed his mission. But he definitely didn't dominate. Lets be real people, I am the only dominator around these parts. (BTW, spell check refuses to acknowledge 'dominator' as a word. That's just wrong. It's totally a word. Christian Grey is totally a dominator. Or is it dominatrix? Whatever. Then again, I could just be spelling it wrong. Nope, I'm never wrong, so I'm blaming a dumb multifunctional spell check.)

We did end up spending one lazy evening up on a hilltop 'searching' for the illusive deer. Well, Ryan searched for the deer, I played with the Puppy and took pictures.

That darn dog is too cute.

BTW, just in case you were wondering, in about 2 hours, we saw 2 doe. That's it. Two.
Good times, good times.

3.  I have gone 8 days sans booze.
Elizabeth made me a medal, bless her amazing heart:
Yes, you are correct. I totes kick some major ass.

It's not as bad as I thought.
Now, on Tuesday, I stayed an extra 1.5 hours at work to fix my F*cking moronic printers and sure could've used a nice cold one, but I went on a walk instead. And felt so much better.
Now this weekend is going to be the big challenge. My cousin is back from Afghanistan and we're throwing a big party for him. I will be the ONLY one sober. Life will suck moose knuckles. And I'm going to have about 300 people asking me why I'm not drinking, because I'm pretty sure, since I was about 18, I've had booze in my hand at every family function. I could explain that I'm on meds that make me sick to drink......which is true. ORRRRRrrrrrr I could have some fun with this.

Oh, why am I not drinking, you ask???
-I noticed the more I drank, the thirstier I was for blood. Weird.
-Michael Jackson came back from the dead and spoke to me one night and said I had to stay sober for 6 months. Completely believable.
-It started to give me uncontrollable shits. Ok, that might be a little over the top.
-I lost a bet. And it was either this or run around nekkid with used men's funderwear on my head while I scream like someone just branded my ass with a fire poker, every night for a month. Polish off the straightjacket.

I know for damn sure I'm going to have to dodge the pregnancy question like every 2 minutes.
BTW.....I'M NOT PREGNANT........Mom!

I don't know. I'll come up with something fun. Just to f*ck with them all. hehehehehehe.

4.  I've had some serious cravings for gummy snacks lately. Like, for sure the Devil is inside of me, because cravings have gotten a little demonic. (And I swear to God, I am not preggars. SWEAR!)
Well, I can't find any good gummies that are good for you at the store. So I did a little research and decided to try drying some fruit instead.
First step was figure out which fruit.
I thought about strawberries, but opted out of it. Just not in the mood.
Next was mandarin oranges. I love orange flavored ANYTHING.
So I bought some natural canned oranges and put them in my dehydrator.
OK, I know the pic makes them look like dried smashed bear turds or something, but I promise you they're oranges. I would never eat bear turds. And announce it in public at least.
They're actually really good. The oranges, not the bear turds, if you were confused. I have to be careful, because I could mow down that bag in like 2.4 seconds. And that's a lot of oranges.
So I portion out 10 pieces or so, and go to town on those.
They're tangy and sweet and hit the spot!!!!
Y'all should try it!!!

5. Oh, and while we're on food...........I found a new lunch favorite:
And it's so easy to make!!!
-Turkey, Tomatoes, Lettuce, a little Bacon (because bacon is the food of Gods), shredded Mozz, and some Spicy Pepper Hummus all wrapped up in a tortilla.

I would've made another for yesterday (that was Tuesday's lunch in the pic), but I thought I'd be the nice wife and leave the last of the turkey for my darling husband. Dolphin claps for me.
(It could be that I'm buttering him up for all the money I'm going to be spending next week in Chi-Town....but we'll just pretend it's because I'm 'nice'.)

6.  Guess what this girl is doing Dec. 8th???!?!?!?!?!
Going to see this sexy beast:


God, I'm so excited I could just pee.

7.  Oh, so I noticed the other day, while perusing the highly intellectual gossip columns, that some bitch had not only stolen my next husband, but the little ho-bag stole my ring too:
Not classy, Blake, not classy at all.

8. We have our company BBQ today. It's always the same puck hamburgers, brats, hotdogs, french fries (with an assload of salt on them), cookies, ice cream, and sodas.
It's weird, while I always look forward to these things as a 'cheat meal', today I just really want something healthy. It'd be one thing if the burger was like 8% fat or something, but I'm pretty sure they're pre-made patties with more fat than actual meat.

I am going to have a cookie and ice cream though. Maybe even 2nd helpings. Maybe.
If I can't drink, damn it I'm going to devour chocolate anything!

9.  I went to TJMaxx last night, trying to look for a fancy dress for next weekend in Chicago, but failed that mission. Instead, I found an adorable tank top instead.
It's sorta like this:
The only difference in mine is it's sheer and solid sparkle in the front, and then racer-back sheer material in the back.
It's freaking amazing. I can't wait for y'all to see it!!!

And I have decided to not over-pack my shit next weekend, so I can drop some serious $$$ on new cloths, shoes, shoes, and more shoes. Like, I'm packing bare essentials. And I'm carrying on, so that doesn't leave a lot of room. But I can do this.

10.  I mentioned that I'm going to a big party for my cousin Corey this weekend, but I think i need to elaborate on the 'big' part.  First of all, Corey just got back from his 3rd tour in Afghanistan about a week or so ago. He's married to the most beautiful sweet little lady Jessica, and they have a son Akahi, whom Ryan and I are his God-parents.  Corey and his family all came up here the beginning of the week, and it's the first time any of the family have seen Akahi. And it happens to fall almost on his 2nd Birthday. So, reason for the party #1: Akahi turns 2. Reason #2: Corey's back. Add those two up and you get a drunkfest.

We're having it at my Mom's house in Topeka, you know, the one where she lives on the Indian reservation, about 1 mile from the casino, out in the country, where we ride Go-Carts and shoot guns and go fishing at 3am. Basically Hickville, USA.

Anyways, the party starts at 4pm, and will include shooting, blowing things up, and playing the game of Stump. Holy shit y'all, Stump is on Wikipedia. Awesome.

Well, that's not the only thing that's going on. Last week I got a call from my mom's BF Hardy and he's all, "Well, I'm really excited about the party. I hired a DJ and everything."
In Hickville?
Holy Christ on a crutch.
Good thing mom doesn't have any neighbors. And the ones she does have will probably be there completely wasted, and won't care about the decibel level.

Then a few days later, Mom calls me and leaves me a message to call her. I get in the truck (Ryan and I are driving back from dinner) and I said, "Hey do you mind if I call Mom? She said to call her about the party."
This was Ryan's response, "Well, she probably wants to tell you about the bouncy house she's getting for the party, or the Ferris wheel, or the elephant rides, or the Blue Angles flying over."
Sadly, he was wrong. It was none of those things. Even though I really want there to be elephant rides.
She wanted to tell me that Hardy hired a guy to fry fish.
Only in Hickville.

And I just learned last night while out to dinner with my Aunt and Uncle that apparently Hardy is roasting a whole pig..................wait for a hole in the ground.
Yes, you read correctly.
Somehow, he is roasting a pig, in a hole, buried with dirt. I guess he starts a fire in a hole and lets it burn down to coals, then lays the pig on it, then covers it up somehow, to trap in the heat. Or something.
This is just way over my head.
The level of redneck is skyrocketing as I type.
And there's still 2 days left for him to come up with something else to 'add' to the party.
Jesus, Mary, and Bart Farts.

Oh, OH, and I forgot.......Hardy invited half the reservation. HALF.
This is going to be the party of the century.

This weekend is definitely going to be one for the books.
And I WILL document every stupid, weird, and batshit crazy thing my family does. And post it here for all the interwebs to see.
BAWAHAHAHAHA.............*evil laugh*
You're welcome family. For having a badass blogger in the family.
You're welcome.

Well, that's it for me!!!
Cheers to a good weekend y'all!!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Just goes to show ya.....

.......even if all you shove in your hole is 'healthy' foods, if it's 6,000 calories of healthy food......a're still going to gain weight.

Now, I haven't exactly been an angel at the eating right thing, but I've been doing MUCH better the last week or two, than the last month.

Plus, I've been booze-free for 4 whole days now.

I need a metal. A big glittery, purple 'I'm Kick Ass' metal.
And if someone sends me that metal, I will wear it......with honor.

Anyways. So, booze-free, I've eaten lean proteins, nuts, veggies, hummus, yogurt, pita chips, the occasional chocolate-fest (ahem, a whole package of Oreos on Friday. Hey it was needed! There were demon's in my uterus!), and I've tried to limit my portions.

All good, right?! (Well, except the fat kid relapse on the Oreos.)


Well, then why the F*CKFARTS am I up another 3 lbs?!?!?!?!
Riddle me that Ghandi?!

Oh, ya, maybe it's because I've been mauling all that listed above, plus more, every minute of the day.


Now, anyone surprised I gained?
Nope, me neither.

New plan.
Actually this is now my NewNewNewNew Plan. New Plan times quatro.

1. LIMIT!!!!!-Listen to your body you moron!!! If you're not hungry.......DON'T PLOW INTO AN ENTIRE CONTAINER OF COCOA ALMONDS!!!!!! For shit's sake.

2.  NO BENDERS!!!!!- If you're craving chocolate, or a taco, or a donut........DON'T GO OUT AND EAT 12 POUNDS OF THE SHIT!!! FOR 8 DAYS IN A ROW!!!! Allow yourself 1 'treat' a day. Whether that be ONE donut hole, or  ONE mini-snickers, or  ONE small nachos, whatever. But just ONE. And make it SMALL, for the love of love handles.

3. MOVE YOUR ASS!!!!!- You've been a lard ass heifer with your pooper eating up the couch for weeks now. GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE AND EXERCISE!!!! If it's a 20 minute walk with the dog, DO IT! If it's a 1 mile run, DO IT! Hell, if you get a energizer bunny up your ass and run 5 miles, it doesn't matter what it is, just DO IT! EVERY DAY!!! Something.Every.Single.Day.

That should do it.

Put down that cream puff!!!!
Throw away that wheelbarrow of french fries!!!
Move your ass!!!

OH, BTW, I had to add a word verification onto my comments section. Soooo sorry long time! It's just that if I get one more Anonymous email about a comment about generic ambien, viagra, or xanax I'm going to stab my computer screen. And it's work's computer screen. I don't think they'd like that very much. But after a few weeks, I'll take it down!! No worries!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Purple alien pajama jeans.

Ya, the title has nothing to do with this post. Today I feel about 2 crayons short of a box. More on that later.

Well, the canning of the BadAss Spicy Dill Carrots is complete.
And I only have one slightly major burn on my palm.

Canning is such a slow process. God, it's like a 98 year old granny driving her '67 Buick 7 miles an hour on the Autobahn type of slow.
Fill up a gigantic pot with water, wait 42 days for it to start boiling, fill your jars with whatever the f*ck you're canning, start to wonder why the f*ck you planted so many damn carrots, ladle in the brine, make note to self to burn the garden down, put all jars in the gigantic pot, wait another 19 years for the water to start boiling again, then boil for 15 minutes, and finally shank yourself in the eye because vision loss would be less painful than all this freaking waiting.

Here is the process, mid-canning:

That is not a scary green monster in my sink btw, it's just half dead dill.

Seriously, my kitchen is like the size of a  handicapped porta potty. That means you're only allowed 1 ass in the kitchen at a time. No exceptions. Otherwise, you end up doing a ugly triple jump to hop over the dog, pirouette around your husband, all while holding either a really sharp Ginsu or a hot dish of lasagna, and trying not to body slam the fridge and end up stabbing yourself, your husband, the fridge or the dog. Or spill lasagna down your shirt and burn your tatas.
Basically, the spacious room makes canning a breeze.

Here's the ingredients making their way into the jars.

And the finished product!!!!

Only took 4 hours off my life.
And now I have 13 jars of spicy carrots for my bloody mary's.
Shitballs, forgot I'm not drinking.

Just kidding.

Next up is a dump truck load of salsa.

Oh, and while we're on the subject (***WARNING: Boys, you better just skip this part. Yucky girl stuff.), I hate being a woman.

Ya, that had nothing to do with canning. Moving on.

As defined by wikipedia: Menstruation is the shedding of the uterine lining.

As defined by LauraBelle: Evil satanist demons using wire bristle brushes, dipped in acid, and set on fire to scrape the inner lining of your internal organs off, all while your mind completely leaves your body and is replaced with a Misery-style Kathy Bates mixed with a little poltergeist to drive yourself and anyone within 10 miles of you batshit crazy.

I want to either physically rip out my uterus or be tarred and feathered, either way, those things would be less painful than what I'm going through right now.

Sorry to go off there for a minute, but because of the pain, my thought processes consist of either woman's issues or the thought of puking. So I went with woman's issues on this.
See, I'm not even making sense.
Damn you Mother Nature!!!!!

I should go.
And die.
Or cut a person.

OK, going now.
And I'll try not to cut a person.