Thursday, October 24, 2013

If you want to die, just attend the Death For Squishies Class.

In lieu of TTT, I'm re-hashing my workout last night. Enjoy.


I did a class at the Y last night called Step Circuit with my Work Out Bitches, Chassity and Savannah.

Holy poopsquares y'all.  My body is!

They might as well call the class: Death For Squishies Who Have Zero Muscle.

First of all, the class was all about stepping up on this step thing, then back down again, then over here, then over there, then turn, squat, squat again, do an A-turn (WTF is an A-turn), step up again, step back, kick your leg over your head, do a sashay (WTF again), do a jumping jack, kick your leg behind you, kick your leg in front of you, kick your leg behind you, kick your leg in front of you (kill me now), squat, squat again, lunge, lunge some more, do the damn A-turn, swing around, walk the dog (Holy WTF) around your step, A-turn, squat, lunge, and finally die.

Now, read that again, only speed-read it like that guy who used to do the Hot Wheels commercials, and you'll get an idea of what it was like. For.An.Entire.F*CKING.Hour!

Well, I lie, it wasn't an entire hour. It was 55 minutes, with 5 minutes of straight-rip-your-stomach-muscles-to-shreds Core Work.

Do you realize how hard all that is to do when you're about as coordinated as a drunk walrus trying to do a line dance choreographed by Richard Simmons?
It's F*CKING hard, people.
I only about face planted the floor 324 times. In the first 15 minutes.
And I may or may not have almost took out the poor girl next to me with an over exaggerated back kick. Poor thing.

And while I'm bent over, huffing and puffing, sweat rolling from places I didn't even know could sweat, there's Little Miss Bouncypants in the front row that did the whole class with an extra pep in her step, making it seem like she was taking a leisurely stroll through the park. Whore. I almost gave her a high the face.....with my 5lb dumbbell. But at that point I couldn't lift a feather, let alone my dumbbell. So she lives to bounce another day.

I'm pretty sure I burned at least 1000 calories. And that's not being sarcastic. I truly haven't worked out that hard..............ever. And to prove my point, I lost 1 whole pound from yesterday. I know that could be water weight and all that, but I'm pretending it's the class. Go with me on this.

Well, it's probably because I'm still sans sweets too. Basically a combo of both.

So far this week, my starting weight was 168.5. Today I weighed in at 165.9. And that was with some clothes on. 


Clearly something's working.

Even if I have to wheel around my office because it hurts too bad to get up, I WILL CONTINUE!!!
(And yes, I have been doing that. And to give you a visual, my 'office' is the size of a warehouse. So it's not like I'm wheeling around some 4ft cubical. It's fine. Completely normal. *slaps palm to face*)

**EDIT** I'm back on MyFitnessPal, so if y'all want to be friends, but user name is: laurabelle25 !!! Come find me!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Day 2 of being a non-sugar shoveling bitch.

OK. We made it through day 1!

And it's even 1/2 way through day 2!

First of all, yesterday was a clusterf*ck. If I wasn't so freaking swamped at work, I probably would have eaten my desk....if it was glazed in sugary goodness. Seriously though, for someone making a major change to their diet (in other words, not mowing down mounds of candy every other minute), I did NOT pack enough crap to eat. I had my turkey sandwich and a ridiculously small cup of yogurt. I almost fainted from hunger. It was horrible. (dramatic much?!)

I was complaining about my lack of mid-afternoon candy corn shoveling session on FB when my friend and badass weight loss chick commented, "You're fine. It's food, not life."
Ooooo Chelsea, you are so right that I hate you. But not really.  ;-)
But isn't that so true!! Why let this little devil run our lives! We got bigger fish to fry!

So, despite me shriveling up and blowing away, I made it to the gym last night and powered though a hella long workout!

Magically, as if the Weight Loss Gods were listening to my cries for a workout buddy, I found a group of badass chicks at work that have been going to the YMCA 5 nights a week and doing different classes. They had a Badass Chick meeting and allowed me to participate, bless their little hearts. So this bitch BROUGHT it last night. 

I got to the gym about 30 min early, so I hopped on the conveyor belt of death and pounded out a little over a mile. It was my first 'run' since before I was pregnant....about 11 months. Whew. It was rough. But it felt soooo good!!

I then moseyed my way down to the class, which was a 30 minute Express Fitness class where you rotate on 25 different machines for a minute each, then you run a lap, and finally knock out some sit ups.

I can totally do that, right?!

So there I am, on my first machine, a 'the top of your thighs will burn like Satan's outhouse on fire' machine (I don't know what the technical term is), and I'm thinking, this isn't so bad, I can do this. Then I look at the clock and it's been 5 seconds.


Pulling out that minute was sketchy. Pretty sure I thought my legs were going to break off at the 45 second part.

Ohhhhhh, goody!!!! A bicycle machine is next! *scowl*

Then an arm machine, then an elliptical, then a leg thing again, and then I died and they buried my body behind the gym. Next to the dumpsters. And then a dog peed on my grave.

But, ohhhhh, it gets better.

I'm with two girls from work, Miss Chassity and Miss Savannah. Both awesome bitches. We're having a 'good' time, sweating it up, and the instructor is all, "10 more minutes!" What?! 10 Minutes?! I can do that, I won't die....maybe

OHhhhhhh no. Not 10 minutes. The instructor came over and was talking to us and I think Chassity, or was it Savannah...I don't know....piped up and said, "Oh, we're staying for the 2nd class too."

Ex-squeeze me?

2nd class??????

What is this'2nd' class you speak of?????

Apparently, those hard core workout bitches do 1 hour classes, and since this class was only 30 minutes, they decided to do it twice. Spank you very much. And I'm pretty sure they neglected to tell me. Rude.

Actually, I think they did tell me, but I'm blaming my weakness and patheticness (it's a word) of only wanting to do a 30 minute work out on them. It's fine.

Needless to say, my hoohaa and ass area are hurtin' today. And not because the hubby and I had a long bang-bang session either. Those damn leg torture machines are TOUGH. Especially when the measly muscles you do have are equivalent to a flamingo's legs and a squirrel's arms.

And then I wore heels today. What the f*ck is wrong with me?
Don't answer that.


Day 2 is almost done!!
Tonight is the Fierce Class at the Y.
Lord help me.......
And my hoohaa and ass area.

Look out day 3! We're comin' to get ya!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Sugar Detox 2013! Day 1!


Y'all ready for this?

Our first day sans the SugarDevil.....aren't you excited?!?!
Ya, I could just fart rainbows I'm so happy.

Anyone else eat their weight in double fudge iced brownies yesterday????


Ya, me neither.

There's even a jar of *gasp* Candy Corn on my desk and I soooooooSOSOSO wanted a little handful this morning. Just a little sompin'sompin'. But nope! I refrained. And I'm moving the jar to the kitchen, so it's out of sight! GO ME!

We can do this ladies!!! As Cat said this morning, "CRUSH IT!"

Friday, October 18, 2013

Make Sugar My Bitch 2013

Ok, I got word back from some girls and here's the ground rules....very simple:


Yup, that's it.

It means, no donuts for breakfast, or not eating an entire sleeve of oreos for lunch, or loading your coffee with 4 lbs of sugar. None of that.

BUT, you can have FRUIT & HONEY.

Those are natural sugars our body needs. So I think that's ok. However, I'd be a little wary of the Honey, at least make sure it's PURE honey. Sometimes they end up processing the shit out of that too (when there's absolutely no need for it). And if you can buy from a local....even better!!

The challenge starts Monday. And, for me, this isn't a 1 month goal or a 3 month goal, it's a goal for the rest of my life. That crap has no right to be in our bodies!! JUST SAY NO!

We'll all need each other's help, so blog about it, FB about it, text if you have #s, email, WHATEVER you need!


Go Team!

Dillyn's 1st KSU Football Game!

 Last weekend was a huge milestone. HUGE. Pretty Miss D got to attend her very first K-State function! One of many to come!!

Ryan and I joked that she'll probably grow up and want to go to stupid KU (Kansas University). Ryan said, 'That's fine, she can just pay for her own college then. We'll take her college fund and buy a new car.'
Sounds good to me!
No way am I giving any of my money to those KU asses. (Can you tell there's a rivelry?)

First stop on our trip was Grandma Julie's house. Her and Grandpa Hardy decided to join us on Sat for the game, so we thought we'd just stay at their place, which is only an hour away from KSU.

As you can see, Baby D loves her grandma!

Saturday we woke up and got everything together. Man, how life and tailgates have changed. It used to be I was so concerned with how much beer we could fit in a cooler, and if drinking at 6:13am in the morning is borderline alcoholic (btw, it's not when it's on a game day, that's the exception). Now, it's all about not getting baby shit on your game-day jersey and pumping your life away so your child won't starve.

Goodbye are the carefree days of getting so drunk you can't find your tailgate after the game and you end up partying with complete strangers. How I will miss thee.

We ended up getting to the tailgate about an hour before the game, and we determined that Dillyn was well fed enough that Mom and Dad could go into the first half of the game and leave her with the grandparents.

I will tell you that I checked my phone for a emergency text message about ever 2.3 seconds and barely paid attention to what the cute men in tight football pants were doing. Nervous Nancy much?!?! Joys of being a new mommy.

Good news is that Dillyn did absolutely wonderful! Grandpa Hardy wrapped her up in his camo coat and they had good times:

During half time we got some good family photos:

Clearly, you now know why purple is my FAVORITE color.

K-State games are VERY family orientated. Our first tailgate was with my mom's side of the family, who have been going to games since the stone age.

Our second stop was my dad's (Mike) side of the family. My cousin Ashley had her daughter on Sept. 5th, just 2.5 weeks after Dillyn was born. So, the second generation of cousins is going to be close too!!!

That's Ashley and her daughter Mya. Look at her CUTE cheer outfit!!!

Then grandma needed some D time:

This year, KSU (with the help of A LOT of Alumni donations) built a brand new press-box and suites for the stadium. I wish I had a picture of the old one, but it was ghetto 80s fabulous. The new one fits more in with the theme of campus. All the buildings on campus are limestone and 'castle' like. So here's the new stadium:

Then at night, it's sooooo pretty:

Some of the suites in that bad mama jama go for 1/2 a million dollars. WHAAAAA???!!! Clearly my tiny photography degree that I got from KSU isn't going to provide the lucrative funds to be able to sit in the new suites. I call bullshit on that.

Anyway. We ended up staying at the game till about 7pm, and getting home around 8. Dillyn did soooo good. We were all wiped out, that's for sure.

I can't wait till next year when she'll be over 1 and walking around and chatting it up!!! How cute is that going to be!

It's beer FRIDAY!!!! AND I CAN DRINK NOW!!!!

Actually, I could really use a beer right now. Come on 4:30pm!!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

1. Day 4.......still blows as much as Day 1 away from my baby girl.

Well, the being away from Dillyn part isn't as bad as it was on Monday.....but the being at work part.....Holy mosquito balls it sucks beyond belief.

It's like I didn't miss a beat, I come back, and my desk is piled with bullshit, my inbox is filled with crap, and I want to crush my skull against some concrete.

Basically I have a lot of shit and my head hurts.
Oh the joys of employment.

2. OK. Make Sugar My Bitch (aka Sugar Detox 2013): I think we need to lay some ground rules down. I've got some peeps that are doing it with me. My lovely Cat, the randy, spandy, handy (wink, wink), Dandy Bandy Julie, and the hilarious and super fun andthencameforty from And They Lived Happily Ever After. Am I missing anyone?!?!

Anyways, I thought I'd let you know my feelings on this whole shenanigans. I think we should eliminate Processed Sugar. So, white sugar, white flour, white rice, candy, candy bars, donuts, etc. But I think if we want to have Pure Honey, that should be fine???? Thoughts????

3.  I joined the YMCA yesterday. Dolphin claps for MEEEEEEeeeeeeeee.

And guess what?

No really...guess....

I'll wait....


Ok, fine.

I was talking to some girls at work and they have a fun little group that goes to classes in the evenings at different Y locations around town!


There are actually people at my employment that aren't psychotic and want to work out?!?!

I've died and gone to weight loss heaven!

I've deemed our group the Work Out Bitches.
Original. I know. Don't hate.

I'm starting with them on Monday (I think), but definitely Tuesday, where we go to this class called 'Fierce'.
I kinda like that......mmmmm....Fierce! BOOM! Maybe I should change my name to Fatty Fierce. It's kinda like Sasha Fierce, but without being, well, Beyonce-fabulous.

4.  Wanna know who is fabulous tho????

Baby Dillyn.

Yup. For shizzle.

Little thang has slept for 8 hours straight for the last two nights!!!!!
I don't even know how to function on this much sleep. F'real.

I told the daycare lady to keep doing whatever it is she does, because this is AWESOME!

5. Speaking of daycare.....I walked in yesterday and got growled at by a tiny innocent looking blond head girl. Like, not a cute 'awww, you're going to be a little puppy for halloween' type growl, but a weird, very life-like-psycho-beast-kujo type growl. Then she hopped up the stairs and bounded off down the hall like a normal child to inform the daycare lady that 'Dillyn's Mom is here!'.

I think I just entered the twilight zone.

If she teaches Dillyn to growl like that, shit's going to hit the fan. Mama be pissssssed!
That's all I need is my child hiding in a dark corner growling at me.

6. Looky looky:

She's going to be swimming in it, but I don't care! She's going to look so cute!

I'm also going to paint her hands black and then press them on a large pumpkin, then lay her all pretty like by it and take some pro pictures. Not with her costume on, this is different. Maybe she'll just be nekkid. Or wearing a solid color onesie or something. Just go with me on this. It'll look cute. I'm hoping to do that this weekend. I'm so excited!!!!

7.  I quit FitOrBit.
I know. I suck.
It just wasn't for me. I have a hard enough time blogging let alone logging all my meals and work outs...daily. Especially now that I'm back to work and trying to keep sane with a baby.

My goal is still to lose about 28 lbs by Xmas, but I think I'm going to try and do it on my own. I know what to eat (and what not to eat) and how to work out. I just need to DO IT. I think working out with the girls at work is going to help. And having a gym membership that has a daycare that I can just drop Dillyn off, run a few miles and then pick her back up, that's going to help out a ton. Last time I tried to lift weights with her around, I had to stop 3 times to change her butt. Darn child. Doesn't she realize I'm exercising!!! Jeesh.

So anyway, here's to me doing this on my own....again.

8.  Ok, I can't think of any other randompants stuff to chat about. So I'm going to go.

Cheers y'all!!!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I think it's time to make Sugar my bitch.....

I think the Universe is trying to tell me something.

As I'm shoving my 2nd donut (the first donuts I've had in 2 months) in my mouth like a boss, I come across an article on Yahoo titled:
5 Surprising Signs You're a Sugar Addict

Yup, Mr Universe, bless his 'all-knowing' little heart, can suck it.
How does he always know?!?!?! *said in my whiny 2 year old voice*

I know I talked about giving up sugar this week, but things got a little hairy, and I decided to put it off.

But you know what I truly realized today? After reading:

Do you find comfort in dessert or reach for pasta or pizza when you're feeling down?.............Eating sugar releases opioids and dopamine into the body. Both of these chemicals basically send pleasure signals to your brain and help your body block pain. Sounds similar to the effects of narcotics, right? Consuming sugar makes you feel happy, which is the reason why we reach for it again and again.

That.......pretty much hit home.

For some 'strange' reason I'm really down today (being a sarcastic ass on the 'strange' part, because with all the shit I put up with on Sunday and Monday, it's no wonder I'm having a depression meltdown.) And what do I do to make myself feel better? Head straight to the gas station and mow down glazed deliciousness. Shitballs.

Obviously I need to break this cycle of me being Sugar's bitch.
I need to make Sugar MY bitch!
How I do that.....I do not know.
But I'm going to figure it out.

I definitely don't want that ho-bag  Sugar to be my boss. Sugar can suck it too. And I definitely don't want Dillyn to have the same struggles as me.

Well, today's already shot. And I have a mammoth jar of candy corn on my desk that I won't be able to resist because I'm a weak bastard, so I'm going to start on Monday.
Monday it is.
No more sugar. 
No more feeding my feelings. 

Anyone else want to go on a sugar detox with me?!
I know, I know, classic timing with Halloween right around the corner. I'm stellar that way. Don't hate.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Let me tell you a little about Hell....

D Day has passed. And it sucked. Big.Donkey.Balls.

Baby Girl woke up at 4am....nothing new there. However, after putting her to bed at 4:30, and laying down myself to try and get another measly 1 hour of sleep, my stupid motha effing mind wouldn't shut off. GAHHHHH!

Wait, let me back up.

Sunday night there was a little drama that I had to go through. Yeah. The night before one of the hardest days I could go thru as a mommy (so far anyway). F*ck you very much. Needless to say, while it was a bunch of bullshit, I've been so pissed it's been hard to think about anything else.

So, at 4:30am, I laid awake....thinking about bullshit. Until 6am, when I finally got up. Surprisingly, the morning went really smoothly. I got ready, Dillyn was good and only shit her drawers once, AND it all ended up in the diaper! Shocking...I know. We got to daycare, I dropped her off, and I didn't even cry.

Again, I was/am so pissed that I couldn't even be sad about Dillyn. I guess that's the silver effing lining. Stupid ass lining.

AAAAAnnnnnndddddd, then I got to work.
Holy shitballs hitting 100mph fan blades made out of cheese shredder metal thingies.

First up: 2 hour meeting, 30 minutes after I walk in the door. Who schedules a meeting at 8:30 on a Monday morning?!?!?! Oh, that's NEW boss. Ya, they changed bosses on me while I was away. WELCOME BACK LAURA!!!! YAYYYYY. (Totally being sarcastic there.)

Second: Found a huge effing construction staple sticking out of my tire. Go to get it patched....nope, can't do it. It's too far on the sidewall, so I have to get a WHOLE NEW TIRE. And that would be $260.00 please, says the teeth missing, tobacco stained lips, dead sexy mechanic. WTF?!?!? Spank you very much Universe, you're really going balls to the wall today.

Oh, but gets better.

Third: The Husband calls.....



wait for it...........



he has the flu. THE FLU!!!! The effing stomach FLU!

Just shoot me.
After you force a tube down my throat and I beer bong a 30 pack.
And then I walk straight off a cliff.
Into a hole filled with tarantulas.
With fangs.

That would be easier to deal with than this stupid, crazy, ridiculously terrible day in Hell.

Good news: It can only get better from here.

Because if it doesn't,
I'm buying a one way ticket to CrazyLand.
(And, I'm taking my baby with me.)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Ten Things Thursday


I don't think I've done a TTT in for.evah!

1. Grandma Julie is going thru a midlife crisis. Yes folks. It's true.

Went out and bought THIS:

It's official.
Grandma's a Gangster.
Or a pimp.
Or a gangster-pimp.

Ohhhhh, mother.......

2. Someone started smiling back this week:

Annnnnnnnndddddd......that's going to make it about ten gazillion times more hard to go back to work on Monday.

Yes, Monday the 14th is D day.
The 8 weeks are up.
Please pray for me.

PS: Miss Smiles above just dropped a hilatious load in her pants right next to me. Whhheeeeewwwww stinky.

3.  I cut my hair yesterday. Well, I didn't, but my stylist did. I love it!

BTW, that smile is totally fake. In real life I feel like ass. I've had a cold since Monday, and my nose pretty much does this:

4. Anyone else have a weirdo dog that does things like this?

Apparently the curtains are in his way.

5. OK, so I started a new diet/exercise program a week ago. Ya, was a rock star for 3 days, then I got sick. Perfect. Story of my life.

But anyway. It's FitOrBit and I absolutely love it! Basically you pay for a trainer (online) who maps out a meal plan and exercise program for you weekly. You converse back and forth thru email, you can ask questions or comment on what you like or don't like, then they give you encouragement or a kick in the ass when needed. I paid for 3 months. I'm trying to get from 170 to 140 by Christmas!

I lost 30 lbs of pregnancy weight before I started this. Actually, I lost 25 lbs the first two weeks. (And ummm, I gained 50lbs during my pregnancy, but we're not talking about that, mmkay?!) So my starting weight was 150 before pregnancy. I got up to 200. Then lost 30, so I started FitOrBit at 170, and after a week I'm already down 1.5lbs to 168.5. And I'm not expecting a whopping loss this week with being on the edge of death. But I have done REALLY good on my diet. I've *almost* cut out all sugar. Ya, almost. It's a work in progress people. Monday I'm cutting out it for good. Ugh. No more ice cream. No more 3 Musketeers. No more Candy Corn. Life blows donkey pee-pee.

But I'll keep you updated on how things are going. I'm actually getting ready to take Dillyn and Wyatt on a walk here as soon as I get done with this. I'm supposed to do a weight circuit, but I don't think I have the strength for that.

6. Look at these hands:

I think Dad is going to get his wish of a star basketball player. She'll be palming BBalls by the time she's 2.

7. My friend Jessica was all braggy about saving a shitload on diapers the other day on FB, so I decided that I'd try and top her. Just kidding, she wasn't 'all braggy', but she did inspire me to be a coupon whore at Walgreens yesterday.

Check it:

I got diapers that will last TWO MINUTES months and saved $76 buckeroos!!!!

8.  I went to this thing called the Kansas Barn Sale last weekend. It was this cute little craft fair type thing in the middle of the country. And there were TONS of vendors. There were antiques, metal cut outs, photographs, food, baked goods, furniture, picture frames, handmade goods, and jewelry!

I got this for Baby D:

It's sparkly gray and peach! How cute is that going to look with a long sleeve white onesie and white tights! And maybe some white boots?!?!
Oh my god I can't wait to get her in it!

I also got a bunch of jewelry!

I didn't get this exact bracelet, but I got one really similar. It's PENNIES!!! And she puts things on the back then lacquers them! OMG I'm obsessed! Here's her Etsy WEBSITE! Check her out! It's reasonable priced too!

9.  Holy plastic balls, Paris Hilton is on the Hoda and Kathy Lee show and she looks like a plastic statue. Gross. Seriously, she's got a shiny face and this huge fake hair. What stylist told her that she looks good like that?!
I'm going to save you the agony and not put a picture up.
You're welcome.

10. Lastly! I just want you all to know that I got every message and comment that you sent me these last 8 weeks, but I haven't responded. I know. I'm a sucky friend. But I truly appreciate it!!! Every time! I need to get my shit together and respond to ya'll, it's just been hard to put that sweet chubby cheeked baby down! So keep them coming and know that I love you all!

Cheers to beers at Dillyn's very FIRST KSU football game this weekend!
I'll totally have pictures next week!