Saturday, May 16, 2015

LauraBelle in Motherhood....Take 2.

So remember when Dilly was born and like 2.5 days later I decided to take her and the dog to the vet? Well, not taking her to the vet, but the dog. You get it. Anyways, taking the dog.......with a newborn. Because i'm badass. And being so badass, I ran out of the house right after I breastfed and apparently forgot to hook up one of the lady saddles. So there I was, flying free. As the 65 year old male vet looked over Wyatt.
Good day for him.
Good day for everyone.

So, anyways, fast forward to today.

I got about negative 8 hours of sleep last night and in an effort to live up to my 'badass' mom status, I decided to take Dilly to the pool today. Normal. Do it all the time. Supersauce.

There we were, just hanging out. You know, sliding down the slide. Splashing around. Trying to get as much energy exerted as freaking possible so that Mama could go home and pass the hell baby napped too, of course.

And then it happened.

Flashbacks to a time so unhinged that one couldn't possibly repeat it.....let alone top it like a cherry on a sundae.

Damn. Now I want ice cream.

Moving on.

So, I'm getting ready to help Dillyn down the slide for like the 27 THOUSANDTH time.....And right when she gets to the bottom............




The back clip to my top came unhooked.


So I grab my top, hoping and praying that no one had the misfortune of seeing 'the girls' fly free.

I mean, seriously, no one needs to see that. Bless their hearts, they're like two little golf balls at the end of a toddler's tube sock. And all these poor people at the YMCA just don't need that in their lives.

Oh wait.....TODDLER!!! Holy Mother of Free Tits, MY daughter just went down the slide!

Yup, there she is, face down, nearly drowning with her little puddle jumper floaty as 'the tube socks' fly free.


So I grab her, and try to grab the girls. And we all try to shield ourselves from any poor civilians that may be of witness.

Unfortunately, there were witnesses. I mean, at least, I only saw one girl directly that watched the entire episode.  You just wait my high school just will be a mom one day and this shit will DEFINITELY happen to you. But I'm sure there were more witnesses. I may have even flashed a right nipple again as I was trying to pull Dilly to the slide stairs so I could get at least both hands to hook my shit back up.

Is it just me, or do other mothers have this much trouble with their boobs? I mean, really. What.The.Hell.

Bottom line is I didn't drown my daughter.
Points for me.
And I might or might not have given the worst boob show to a bunch of stay at home moms, young college kids, and other random boys/men/whothefuckcares. Not to mention all the 'children'.

This is my life.

And it's only fitting I share.

I write once in a year now. And it's all about boobs.

You're welcome. And this is why we're friends.



    (I'm fourteen years old. It's fine.)

    Seriously- this happens. Once upon a time I was at a Relay For Life walk, okay? It was 487 degrees outside and I was sweating bullets from walking laps so I drank 34 gallons of Gatorade and needed to pee every 6 seconds. So, I went into the women's restroom to do my business. I had flipped the little round locky thing. I had. Only it was broken---but I didn't know that. And don't you know that some impatient heifer came barging through the door as I was squatting over the potty wiping my own *ss with my pants on the ground and my shirt up to my nipples while sweating like a summer seal in heat on a sandy beach!!!! YES! That happened! The bathroom was FULL of women waiting for a potty, so no less than half a dozen women saw my squatty cooter, belly fat, and sweaty EVERYTHING! I may as well just have given birth right there, because it would have been less invasive! Why don't we invite EVERYONE!? Call Ron Paul; invite him! How about Milli Vanilli?! Dr. Dre? My mom? Fuck- call the Pope!

    That. Was. Mortifying.

    P.S. I think you have nice BOOBIES. I'm going to pull my calculator out now and spell it like a juvenile delinquent with nothing but time and titties on my mind. BOOB

    P.S.S. In all seriousness, I'm sorry this happened to you! (((HUGS)))) You have a nice rack. People are now probably JEALOUS of you. I would be. xoxo


  2. You are so funny and you write really well! At least you got a great story out of the experience.


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