Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you could steal a TastyKake from a midget child, shove the chocolatey goodness in your hole while you stare down at said midget child with an evil glare and then run away laughing like a lunatic????
I'm just all sorts of bitchified today.
I don't know if it's the damn hormones or if I'm just having one of my 'off' days.
Or a combination of both.
Regardless. I'm stuck on this one 'thought' (and it's a pissed off, I hate all things glittery, I'll slap a baby bunny type of thought) and I can't get it out of my head. It's what's making me all crankypants McGee, and I know it. But I still can't stop thinking about it.
I've tried to rationalize it in my head, and work out the problems with the thought. I've tried to completely ignore it. I've tried to cry about it. Lord knows I've eaten the equivalent to a hippo's weight in sugar about it (which just pisses me off more).
The only thing left to do is actually deal with it. Like, confront the thought/issue/problem. Directly. Head on. Full force.
*heavy breathing in* Let the force be with you LauraBelle *heaving breathing out*
Sorry, got a little off track there.
Only problem......I don't wanna. Not because I'm a whiny baby who backs down from a fight, but because I've 'dealt' with the same problem (directly/head on/full force) over and over and over again for years, and nothing has changed. I feel like the effing Energizer Bunny. I don't know if anything is ever going to change.
See, the problem isn't about me, or something I need to change. It's something that I'd like someone else to change. Annnnnnnndddddd that's where it gets tricky. This person doesn't want to change. It's not in them to change....this particular issue anyway. The thought/issue/problem that I have with them, is just them. It's just the person they are. It's more like I am used to one way, and they're used to a completely different way.
Imagine this: I love ice cream. (yes, yes, we all know that) But I love ice cream so much that I want everyone to love ice cream. I believe ice cream should be loved by everyone. So, I eat ice cream every night. I'd eat ice cream all day long if I could. And I want someone else to love ice cream as much as me. I want them to eat it every night with me. Or I'd even LOVE it if we ate it all the time. But this other person was brought up to not like ice cream. Or, not necessarily 'not' like ice cream, but they were brought up where there was no ice cream around. Whereas I was brought up with ice cream every night.
So, I love ice cream. I need ice cream. But I need someone else to love ice cream with me. But that someone else just doesn't know how to love ice cream. It makes them uncomfortable to love ice cream. So they don't love it. And i'm stuck being the only person who loves it.
Is this making ANY effing sense?!?!
My conclusions are this:
1. I can try and live with the other person not loving ice cream. Even though it crushes me and I end up in the state I'm in right now. But I make that sacrifice of a happy, fun loving ice cream filled life, for a life with the person....without ice cream.
2. I can try again to make the person understand that I need them to love ice cream as much as me. And see how it goes. And maybe one day it'll happen.
3. Or I can give up.
But deep down, I know that none of those conclusions are going to help. It's never going to work out the way I want. And I'm never going to get that happy ending with this issue. What scares me is I just don't know if I can live like this any more. I don't want to! I deserve better! But at the same time, i've given up a lot lately. I've made many hard decisions, that albeit are the right ones, but still hard. I just don't know if I've got it in me to make another hard decision. I truly don't even want to deal with this at all, but my mind is telling me that I need to otherwise I'm going to burst into a oozy puddle of green goo that only survives in the deep dark depths of Depressionland.
I should probably just deal with it.
Putting it off is just going to end up hurting me even more.
Life's a suckhole sometimes, ya know that?