I've tried to think of something enlightening and uplifting to write about.....then I remembered I'm neither of those things. And this blog is definitely never done any of that shiznit! lol
New with me: I'm still a mom. I haven't somehow screwed that up yet. But this cutie pie makes it easy:
I can't make this shit up.
She poses like this on her own. Clearly she's more photogenic than her mother. (who likes being behind the camera for a reason.)
Fun fact #498: That rocking chair......That was my grandmothers, and she gave it to me. Funny thing, there's a little 'stain' on the seat.....well, that'd be from yours truly when I was a baby. I crawled up in the chair and wet my pants. Like all cool girls do. Well, it left a stain. And even after my grandma had the chair redone, it's still there. How cute is that?! Maybe D will take pics of her daughter in this chair someday.
Other news.....ummmm, I've been going to the gym still with some badass work chicas. I'm down to 162.5, but I fit in my size 8 pre-preggars jeans!!!! Woop woop!
Work sucks dinosaur balls. Still. God, could they all just leave me the fuck alone?!?! It's kinda funny, there's a lot of manipulating assholes that work there. And I pretty much want to tell them to shut their dickhole (thank you Rebecca's sister for that lovely word) every other minute. But I don't. Mostly. Good news is I see thru their dogshit and am heading them off. Dear moron: You think you can get rid of me......mawahahaha....oh no you dit-ent. I will make your life hell. Because that's the kind of bitch I am. Spank you very much for hiring me.
You ever have that feeling that everything in your life is going completely fantastic, but there's this one part where you want to have a mulligan? OK, maybe not a mulligan, but maybe a chance to let things die. But in a good way? I'm still struggling with how my bio dad, Martin, is a life sucking lying shithead. It's not that I want to start a relationship back up with him, obviously, it's just that I want closure. I can't forgive him. But yet, I can't move on. And for my mental sake, I sooooo need to move on. How do you let go of something that has been the most horrific and yet defining point in your life? I hate, literally and seriously HATE him and what he's done to me but more importantly my family. My mom. His 2nd wife. And my current 'extra' mom. How?!
My counselor says that forgiving isn't condoning, it's allowing the past not to control you anymore. How in the fucking hell do you get past the feeling that if you forgive, you're saying that what they did was 'ok'?!
But more importantly, how do you get over something that controlled your life for 31ish years, made you the strong, independent, and 97% screwed you the fuck up???
Riddle me that asswipe.
My counselor said that I need to talk to him. That I need to ask my questions and hear his answers and that will give me closure. I know I can't see him in person. So I said that a phone conversation might be ok. But truly....the only question I have is WHY? And I know that when he answers, the diarrhea that spouts from his mouth will be lies. Because that's what he does.....lie. Manipulate. Twist reality.
Lord I need to let go of the hate.
So, do I call him and ask WHY? knowing that I'll get told lies. But that I might end up feeling some closure? Or do I continue with the hate? Hoping that time heals.
Sorry, that was super depressiontown. But that's what I've wanted to write about, but just haven't had the guts.
In conclusion, life is great. But I still need help. Seems to be a pattern.
Y'all stay warm now!