Ten Tricks Thursday

No, I’m not going to talk about the tricks of prostitutes. Get your dirty little minds outta the gutter!

Shame, shame!

I thought I’d grace your intelligence with some of the little ‘tricks’ I’ve found out about real food and eating clean.

1. With the exception of whole, raw foods like fruits, veggies, meats, eggs, etc., I typically use the ‘5 Ingredient’ rule of thumb when picking out the best packaged food choices at the store. For instance, I’ve been craving something crunchy for a few days, so when I was at the store I meandered over to the Natural Food section and looked at the types of crackers and chips they had. I found some that were organic and only had a few ingredients in them. Most important, they are made with whole grains and not enriched wheat flour….which is basically white flour by the way.

Yummmers.



See, now that has more than 5 ingredients, but they are all natural things that I can actually pronounce. That's pretty safe, so I purchased them.

2. I steer as clear as possible away from the ‘inner rows’ of the grocery store. This is mainly where all that packaged stuff is anyway. If I do need something from those devil aisles, I usually look at the very top or bottom shelves for the healthiest options. Did you know that grocery stores place all the tempting, sugar loaded cereals in the middle shelves strictly to entice your kids??? I don’t have kids but ohhhhhh do I remember going to the store with my mom and every other box I was like, “I need this one mom!” “And this one!” And she’d be all poopypants Polly and say crap like, “No.” Then I’d throw a full-on meltdown right there on the floor. Very lady like. Ever happen to you mommy’s out there??? Thought so. If my children even have a spec of ‘me’ in them, they are going to be straight up Satan children. Lord help me. Moving on.

3. To help keep within my budget I bought a Gift Card (Visa) of $100, to last me every two weeks. Only using the GC for food when I go to the store, and tucking my debit card in a secret hiding place in my suitcase, I mean purse, where I’ll probably forget about it, then freak out in 2 months that someone stole it. But, meh, if it works, right? If you live in an area where there are Dillons grocery stores (or another store that you get points for fuel discounts from buying GCs), you can buy the GC there and get double fuel points. BONUS! Then turn right around and spend it on their groceries!! I am totally outsmarting the industry!!!! Bah ha ha ha (evil laugh)!!!!

4. Cravings. They suck green gator balls, don’t they? I haven’t had any bad ones since starting this real food thing, but I have a slow, creepy feeling of the need for chocolate starting to rise. Like I have my own personal stalker inside my mental capacities and he is just a Peeping Tom now, disturbing but harmless. But soon he will be throwing bricks through my window and texting me every 2.7 minutes. Is it weird I just compared cravings to a stalker? Never mind, don’t answer that.

Anywho.

Basically I know I’m going to get to the point where the need for chocolate is going to completely override all my senses and I’ll cave. BUT! First, my plan is to have on hand ‘healthy’ alternatives. I once read that if you’re craving chocolate that you might need more magnesium, so you should eat nuts, seeds, and fruits. So step one is to incorporate some nuts into my diet pronto.

Second is to channel my energy into something else when the craving goes all psychosauce. Like if I’m sitting at home, watching TV and The Cocoa Force comes calling, I might go to the gym or get on the computer. Nothing like a little Pinterest to distract you from…….well………..everything.

Third, and this is a last resort if I can’t fight off the craving, is to make my own chocolate desert, therefore I know it is all good and healthypants and I know exactly what I’m shoving into my mouth. I’ve found some good recipes for granola bars with chocolate, or I also thought about making a smoothie and adding straight cocoa powder to it. The bars would still have processed chocolate in them, but if it’s mainly oats with a few chips, that’s better than Hostess Cupcakes, right?! Right.

Yes, please.

5. Going out to dinner has also been kind of a hassle. Ryan and I went out last Sat. night and my usual ‘Cousin’s Night Out’ was last night. Staring at a menu with eye popping pictures of loaded nachos and cheese fries is pretty much a sure fire way to derail any diet. One thing I’ve just started to do is look at the restaurants website and pick out what I’m going to eat ahead of time.  Sometimes they have nutritional info, and sometimes not. Like last night, they place didn’t provide it, but looking at the menu ahead of time I found a southwest chicken salad. Even though it’s not organic, it’s better than the deep dish meat whore pizza that my cousin ordered and then temped me with for 1.5 hours.

Jerk.

6.  A new app that was mentioned on another blog is making it sooooo much easier for me to determine what is ‘good’ food vs. ‘bad’ food. It’s called Fooducated. AND IT’S FREE!!! Basically you scan the barcode of the food you’re about to buy/eat (for droids or iphones, but they do have a website where you can type in the UPC) and it will come up with a grade for it, calories per serving, different ‘interest’ points about the product (ie whether it’s highly processed, has BPA packaging, etc.), and other alternatives that might be better than this. Cool beans!!! (As my mom would say. So 1996 Mother. But because of you I’m bringing it back. You're welcome.) Trust me, download that and you will be scanning everything in sight!

7. I never let myself get really hungry. Like stomach-making-sounds-that-equal-a-war zone hungry. If I’m that hungry I tend to overeat and to binge on the wrong kinds of foods.  I stick to eating smaller sized meals about every couple hours. Around 7am, 9:30, Noon, 2:30, and 5:30. Now, there are pros and cons to this, and people have done countless studies (booorrrring) about whether this is really good for your metabolism or not. Basically eating every few hours could keep your blood sugar levels raised…..that would be bad.  But on the other hand, if you are giving your body a steady flow of nutrition, you metabolism has to work extra hard all the time to keep up.  Since I don’t have major issues with my blood sugar, I’m not worried about it ‘possibly' being raised a lot, however someone with diabetes should probably consult their doc before doing this type of eating.  On a more common sense note, I’m hungry about every two hours. So I eat. Easy Peezy.

8.  I'm also not going to deprive myself of ANYTHING. I mean, the minute you say, "I will never drink another beer!" all you will be thinking about every nanosecond of the day is a nice big frosty one. True story here folks. But I know on Saturday, when my ten days are up, I'll have a beer. Or 6. It's fine. But I'm not going back to my 'old' ways of having a few cold ones 6 out of the 7 nights a week. Maybe drink some only one night a week. Or limit myself to 2 nights, but only have 2 beers each night. See how this works?

9. And to go along with that: Everything in Moderation! Quoting Miss Paula Dean, who....shockingly....was just diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Bet y'all fell out of your chairs when you saw that, huh?

I know there will be a time coming when this calls my name:

But sooo pretty.

And the only thing that is going to stop me from mowing down this deliciousness is someone straight jacketing me, tying me upside down on a flag pole, pantless. I'm just going to want one. Point blank. But that doesn't mean I have to eat a whole box of them. No. One, every other day month will do the trick.

10. All in all, the main thing I do is keep one big thing in mind: I WANT TO BE HEALTHY! And to do that I have to completely morph my bad habits into good ones. I have to remember why I'm doing this - not be a tub of blubber - and remember what's really important in life - being around to see my 'hopefully' great grandchildren grow.  To sound oh so cliche, "This is not a diet! This is a lifestyle change!"

Now go forth and carpe the F-bomb out of the diem to your new healthy lives!

Brought to you by a beer/dog/food/Mary Poppin's loving crazy blue eyed bandit.

The end.