Monday, November 19, 2012

Just kill me now.

You know how when you're younger, and you're around older women that may be going through, or just went through menopause, and you're like, 'I have no idea what you're talking about. What is going with you? And what alien has just possessed your body? Did you take a swig of the cray-cray juice this morning? I hope to baby Jesus that I never have those 'symptoms' happen to me.'

Well, that's been me. Oblivious.

Until now.

No. I'm not going through menopause at 31. But I'm taking some meds that have the best side effects. Note sarcasm.

Lets talk about hot flashes for a minute shall we?

Mother of f*ucking hot poker up your ass, those bitches suck.

I have never in my life experienced hot flashes, until last week. The only 'flash' I've wanted to experience is Ryan Reynolds showing me his ripped up 6-pack. Hot flashes do NOT give me the same effect as that man's stomach, I can tell you that.

Up until last week, my only 'experience' with them was watching my mother 'make the change' (sorry Mom, I hope you don't get pissed at me for throwing you under the menopause bus here. Just remember I'm your first born and you love me no matter what I write on the internet). We'd be over at her house, calmly cooking a meal, or watching a little TV, and all the sudden she's running around the house like a lunatic that snorted fun dip and washed it down with Red Bull, stripping off her clothes and making all these horrible moaning sounds. Cursing God, because he's probably a man and all men suck. Then she throws open the sliding glass door, 18 windows and turns the AC on. This is mid-January btw. She stands at the kitchen counter with her face beat red, sweat trickling down her forehead, and a strange look in her eyes that scares the grandchildren into hiding in the closet. Plus she's fanning herself with whatever she can grab. Sometimes it's a dish towel, sometimes it's a spatula, or even a beer coozey. It has also been known that sticking her head in the freezer at this point is 99% sure going to happen.

And then 2 minutes later.......it's over.
And she's chilled.
And she's bitching that it's too cold in here now and throws 47 logs in the wood burning stove to get it a nice and comfortable 124 degrees in the house.

And the whole time this is happening I'm thinking, 'Holy shit y'all. It can't be that bad. But just in case it is, please God make me straight up stroke out before I get to my mid-50s.' I'm just watching her with a deer in the headlights look, I just can't take my eyes away. It's like the worst scary movie has come to life.

I won't even  mention what the males in the room are doing. Because the minute she makes that 'Gaahhhhhh' moan & heads for the nearest window, they are out. I mean they rush for the nearest exit faster than a fat kid rushes the desert buffet.

And what do you know, 10 glorious minutes later, we rinse and repeat. All.Over.Again.

I mean, it's ridiculous. Not normal at all. Definitely tests one's sanity, that's for sure.

Well, there I was. Calmly sitting downstairs watching TV the other night, and I get a sudden feeling like my insides are on fire, my face feels like a deep fried turkey, and my head is spinning like I just mowed through an entire pan of magic brownies. I mean, it was bad. I couldn't stand it, I couldn't hold it back, the moan came out. 'GAaaahhhhhhh'. And I start throwing clothes off, tossing the blankets aside, covering the poor dog that was asleep at my feet and now wide awake staring at me with this confused look. I asked Ryan to get me anything, ANYTHING, to fan myself with. Which, he's looking at me like I just sprouted a new head from my ass as he hands me the Target ad. Awesome.

Yup. I had one. I had a hot flash.
And I'd rather get 1046 paper cuts on my eyeball than go through more hot flashes, because that would clearly be less uncomfortable.

Seriously y'all, this sucks donkey ass.
I knew the meds I was taking had 'side effects', but I've been on it for a few months now, and besides the slight mood changes (and when I say slight, I really mean that I should probably be committed to the batshit crazy ward, or at least that's what Ryan tells me) I get every once in awhile, I haven't had any problems.

Oh.My.Gawd. This last 3 days, I've been dealing with the hot flashes almost 4-5 times a day. Makes a person stabby!

If I could only get off the pills, I'm sure life would get back to normal. But unfortunately that isn't an option. Damn it.

Anyways. There's really no point to this post. Just that I wanted to embarrass my mother and complain about my tragic life. Which I guess is just about normal for this little bloggy.

So, I'm sorry that you just read through all that.
You'll never get that time back.
It'll be ok though. We only have a 3 day work week.
And then it's stuff-your-face-till-your-pants-rip Fatsgiving.
I need pumpkin pie.
And that Target ad, because damn it, I think another hot flash is coming on.
Just kill me now.


12 comments:

  1. Girl, welcome to my life!!!! Did I mention that I'm actually going through menopause at the sweet age of 41.. yeah, I am. that darn cute kiddo of mine kicked me right into it. .

    so, suffice to say,I feel your pain!!!
    xo

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  2. So sorry about the hot flashes, but I'm pretty sure I'm never going to recover from reading "1046 paper cuts on my eyeball." Surrrsly, my eyes are watering just thinking about it. Oy!

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  3. Oh, I feel you on this one. I scarred Jacquie, her husband and m mine for life,in New Orleans this weekend, when I took almost all of my clothes off on Bourbon Street, the flashes don't care where you are when they hit. If I could have found a place to sit, I would have taken my tights and boots off too!

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  4. Hah hahahahha omg> my mom is going through the 'change' too, it's not fun with all the mood swings and crying. ugh.

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  5. mmm sounds sexy..lol!!! good luck..no advice hear but thanksgiving aught to be a blast! hugs! super hugs!

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  6. lol years ago I was on some meds that did the same thing...it was HORRIBLE. I was thankful when I got to stop taking it..

    now at 42 I'm going through the change myself and sometimes the mood swings make me wish for a hot flash@!!

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  7. Oh dear, I'm not looking forward to those times! it's not bad enough that women have to bleed for 30 years, then we have to go through hot flashes!

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  8. I know hot flashes only too well. Not frequently yet but I'm perimenopausal. I am dreading the real thing. Not on meds yet and waiting as long as I can to get on them. They cause weight gain and I cant afford that.Too bad that women have to go through such crap.

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  9. You should really try the meds with the side effect of wanting to jump your husband 24/7! My husband sent the doctor a fruit basket!

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  10. You should really try the meds with the side effect of wanting to jump your husband 24/7! My husband sent the doctor a fruit basket!

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  11. I have just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

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