Saturday, September 21, 2013

I'm back! And sleep is so overrated.

Hellllooooo my love puppies!!!!!

Oh how I've missed thee!

Have you missed me?!

Of course you have. I'm badass. We all know this.

Well, lets see.....what have I been up to.......oh you know, lovin' on this little cupcake:

Ok, well, she's about 2 weeks old in this picture, and now she's about 5 weeks, so she's changed a little, but I just love that pic.

Mommy life has been grand. Well, except for the waking up at 4:30am part. You know how everyone always says that you never get any sleep??? Well, I'm calling bullshit. You get sleep. You just don't get GOOD sleep. Like those days where you blissfully fall into a deep slumber and slowly wake to pretty birds chirping and the sunlight gracefully peaking through your windows????

Yup. F*ck that shit. I'm never going to get that ever again. EVER. AGAIN.

It's more like this: it's 9pm and you're already exhausted from the day, you've got a mini-me sucking so hard on your nipples that you winch with pain every few minutes, all while you have to pee like a race horse, but can't do anything about it because you're in the middle of a feeding. Then your beautiful mini-me decides to have the longest feeding session ever, ending with refusing to fall asleep afterwords. So you're standing in the living room, slowly rocking your lovey bug back and forth, your back aching and your knees weak (and your bladder bursting). Then, by the grace of the Slumber Gods, she finally falls asleep and you gently put her in her crib (selling your soul to Satan to make her STAY asleep).

It's 10pm and you literally face plant your mattress, so thankful that you can finally get some rest. But then your F*CKING mind won't shut off. You think about diaper sales, and if you remembered to put Buttpaste on your grocery list, or if you even started the damn grocery list. Then cursing life because you realize you have to go to the grocery store tomorrow and that requires you to change out of your 3 day old stinky PJs and actually comb your hair rather than shove the rats nest in a pony.

Finally, you fall asleep. But gone are the days of dreaming about Ryan Reynolds fanning you with one of those large feather fans on the beach while Adam Levine serves you frosty adult beverages...nekkid. Nope, no more of those precious dreams. Now you can't even get into a good REM sleep because at the slightest whimper from your mini-me you're damn near wide awake because you think she might be choking or spitting up or might have a dirty butt or might need another feeding.

Then all the sudden it's 4:30am and you must have finally passed out because you hear crying and your eye lids are so heavy and hard to open, and your mind refuses to believe that it's your child. You think that you've entered into some other reality where other peoples children are in your bedroom crying and you're waiting for them to get up to make the crying stop. Because, obviously, the lack of sleep have made these psycho thoughts possible.

You finally realize it's your child crying and she wants food. Now. Not in like 10 minutes, so you can fully be awake, but like, if you don't get your boob out for my milking pleasure right this instant I will scream so loud the people in the next county will wake up.

You stumble in the dark to pick her up and try not to slam her head into the door jam as you make your way to the changing table, because it's with absolute certainty that she's at some point in the night dropped the most awesome load in her diaper and you will have to clean her butt. You're half asleep changing the diaper and you've got poo on your hands. Life has just stepped up a notch.

Once that's complete (and you've washed your hands like a surgeon) you proceed with the feeding and the amazing nipple pain...again. This lasts a stellar 30 minutes and you finally lay her down at 5am. But now you have to pump. Ohhhhh the joy of pumping at every possible minute so that at some point in the future, you can get shit face drunk (because lets face it, you totally deserve that) and you'll need sober milk in order for that dream to come true.

5:30am has now rolled around. You know you should just stay up because, really, what's the point of trying to get back to sleep. But the bed looks so comfy and you're so exhausted you've started to hallucinate that you just might be able to get another 3 hours of good sleep. So you face plant the mattress again, and you're juuuusssstttttt about to fall asleep when baby girl starts to make squeaky and grunting noises.

Shitballs. She's awake.

But she's happy, so you try to ignore the noises and fall asleep. You've just about got there and when those 'happy' noises turn into cries of agony because she's hungry again.

It's now 7:00am.

You want to shank a bitch because you know you're not getting back to sleep. Until probably midnight that night.

So that's my life.

How's yours going????

Oh, and I may be exaggerating just a smidge here. 

PSS: Look for 1 month photos this week too!


  1. Hahahaha and yes I can laugh because I have so been there and I remember the pain of no sleep only too well. Congrats on the little one, she is adorable :)

  2. God you and Ryan made a pretty baby!

  3. She's beautiful Laura!! And I love that hat. You will get good sleep again, I promise, it will be a while but it will happen. Savor every sleep deprived moment.

  4. Just when the baby fever has been killing me, you give me a dose of literary birth control. Thank you for that ;)

    But she sure is cute!

  5. I remember this like it was yesterday! You are oh so close to an all nighter, I promise! Just hang in there, deary!

  6. She is GORGEOUS! Ugh, love that picture and cute hat.
    I always said it's good they're cute or we would never put up with all this stuff we go through!
    You're doing great mama, and the sleep thing only gets better!

  7. Oh the joys of motherhood!! We call that initiation my friend!!


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