Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I've wanted to write about this for weeks now,

......but the words just haven't come. But I know that if I continue to hold things in, there's not enough Zoloft in Carebear Land to keep me out of a padded cell. So I'm just going to spew a little. Because I need to get this out. Because this is what this blog is for. Because this will make me feel better. And because you guys are the best listeners ever. And my good friends. Who will support me in this hardship.

Unfortunately I can't go into great detail, because, well, I don't think I should. But I can give you all the basics.
And grab a cold beverage and a butt cushion, this is going to be long.

I don't talk a lot about my (biological) dad on here, for good reasons. He hasn't been the best 'father' to me. Actually, he's never really been a 'father'. He's been a grown up drinking buddy. That's about it. My REAL dad was Mike, who married my mom in '95 (or so), and died from cancer a few years ago. He was in my life for 15 years and he was the best dad a girl could ask for.....even though we shared no blood.

I've learned over the years that blood doesn't make family, being there for each other makes family.

That's not to say I didn't have a relationship with Martin (my bio dad), because I did. We got along, as friends. We'd take trips together, and spend time together, and he taught me all I need to know on how to build houses, which is a priceless lesson that I still thank him for. He was just never around for the 'hard' dad stuff. Like paying for some of my college, disciplining me, being there for me when I needed him (and it didn't benefit him in some way). Anyways, I accepted that he was just a certain type of person, that couldn't love unconditionally. He was selfish and untrustworthy. No matter what I did, I couldn't change him, so I just gave up trying to.

When I visited Martin and his wife Jo for Christmas this year, I knew something was different. With them. (This would be his 3rd marriage, btw.) I didn't push anything, because well, it's Christmas, and a happy time, and blah blah blahshitty blah.  A few weeks after Christmas I learned almost the whole story, or the majority of it. Martin and Jo were having problems. Martin works out of town a lot. He wasn't being very husbandly to Jo, and was starting to get mean and irritable.

Classic signs that he's bored with this marriage and wants to move on. I knew it. Right away.

And my heart ached for Jo. I love her. Just like my biological mom. She's a wonderful, beautiful, kind, and compassionate women. She's amazing. And she deserves a better marriage. A better husband. She said they were working on things, and she had hope in her voice that everything would work out. But I knew better.

When Martin decided to propose to Jo, almost 10 or 11 years ago (i think), I informed him that this would be the last marriage I attended for him. This was the last 'step'siblings & 'step'mother that I would get to know and love (btw, I hate that word 'step'). That he had to make this one work. He couldn't get bored (like he did with his previous two), he couldn't stray. He had to stay fast. He had to love. He had to grow up & be a big boy. He understood my terms and promised me that Jo knew everything about his past marriages and life. The good, bad, and the really, really ugly. And that he would love her for eternity. And I trusted him. This one last time.

The time came that Martin had to finally fess up to me that his marriage to Jo was ending. This was about a month ago. He called me one night and informed me that he was moving out. And had a house rented in another city, where his office is located. He said that they just couldn't make it work any longer, and couldn't get past things that were said by both parties. He made excuses. He tried to place blame on anyone but himself.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

He had done to Jo what he'd done on his previous two marriage. He'd done what he promised me that he would never do again. He was disloyal and dishonest. He was the same ol' Martin. Nothing had changed. He hadn't changed. He had no intention 10 years ago to keep his promises to Jo. Because he still hadn't worked out the demons that caused his previous marriages to fail.

And let me tell you, if you haven't guessed, the failures WERE NOT the women's fault. AT ALL. It was all Martin. Every last detail of it. He ruined those marriages. He's the failure. Not those wonderful, sweet, kind, loving women.

I know this is getting long. And you're probably like, WTF?!?!, but I promise I'm almost done.

So, anyway, the night Martin told me he was moving out, I very sternly and aggressively informed him that he did not keep his promise to me or Jo. That he let me down, again. And that I couldn't have him involved in my life or my baby's life. I told him that I wanted no more contact with him, and he is not to contact me. If the baby grows up and wants to get to know him, that is their right. But they will not know him before that. I told him that I pick Jo on this. She is my family, and always will be. But he no longer has the privilege of being called 'family'. After I was done saying everything, I asked him if he understood me, he replied 'Yes', and I hung up the phone. I haven't talked to him since.

I'm not upset about 'losing' him. I'm not even hurt about it in the slightest. What I am upset about is what he did to this family....yet again. What he did to Jo. And the worst part about this, even though I never considered him a 'father', I now feel like I have no father. I lost Mike, which I still struggle with. And now I've disowned Martin.

I have no Dad.
I'm fatherless.

And it hurts. Really bad.
Like I said, it's not the fact of 'losing' Martin. It's just the idea in general that now I have no father. Ya know? I have no one to call 'Dad' anymore. I can't call up someone and say, 'Hey Dad, whatcha doin?'. 

It just isn't natural. There should be someone. I deserve someone. I deserve a good Dad!

I just am not dealing well with this, at all. I'm trying. But it's so difficult. It reminds me of losing Mike, and that just brings up a shit ton of old demons. Which just makes it that much worse.

I mean, I have Ryan's dad. And I have Mom's boyfriend Hardy. I do have male figures in my life. My baby will have Grandpa's. But it's just not the same. I love Cliff and Hardy, but letting my guard down now to let them fully in is tough. Everyone that I've done that to, with the exception of Ryan, has hurt me or left me.

How do I get past this?
How do I move on?
How do I come to terms with this?

Those are the questions that I need answered. And I know I have those answers, somewhere deep down inside me. But for whatever reason, my brain can't focus on them.

I think I just need time. More time. Time helps. Helps ease the pain.
Yes, time, and counseling. (Which I'm getting.)

Sorry, I know this was horribly long and super priest confessional-like, but I just needed to vent.
It helps.
To write.
So thanks for reading.

15 comments:

  1. You know I have a messed up family. My parent were divorced when I was 7. My dad did drugs and screwed around his whole life....lets not even list the girlfriends. I don't agree with who he chooses as a girlfriend. I don't agree with how he chooses to live his life. I have found that we can have a relationship but we tend to leave those things out. We don't see each other that often but when we do its more about his grandson Johnny and going forward. We don't talk about his girlfriends of 15 years(longest one ever) other than superficial stuff. I guess what I am saying here is you are going to have to set boundaries on what type of relationship you want with your dad. It doesn't sound like you want him entirely out of the picture...you are just tired of starting over getting to know important people in his life. Good luck with this sweetie but don't be too quick to write him off completely. I will also say that when he became a grandpa, it kind of changed him and the relationship my son has with my father is priceless(the 1 time a year he sees him), its uncanny---I mean uncanny how much the two of them are alike and they are not even around each other that much.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are in my thoughts...family stuff is the hardest. I guess because we always hope for the best and they hurt be get from them is the worst. Take care

    ReplyDelete
  3. Family can be tough. I myself don't have the best relationship with my dad, I don't talk about it online cause my sister sometimes reads my blog. But I sometimes wish I could disown him instead of being repeatedly let down. It is good to vent, it makes you feel better, and this is your blog after all so share what you want and we will offer the support we can.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry! That is really rough! I am here if you need me!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You know, I had to have a similar conversation with my father. He was a great dad but when i became an adult he fell apart and at the point when I was pregnant with Pumpkin I had to tell him that if he couldn't be sober when we visited he wouldn't know his grandchildren. It was hard and I've had to leave a few visits because he just belligerent when he drinks, but I have to safeguard my family.

    I know it was a hard line to take but I applaud the step you took to safeguard yourself and your child from a hurtful influence in your lives. Also, it's okay if you change your mind, you can dictate the terms of your relationship if you decide to have one after all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. First I want to tell you how happy I am that you're choosing to keep Jo in your life! It sounds ilke she'd love to be part of the baby's life, and wouldn't want to lose you and that connection. I bet that's a relief to her.
    I'm wondering if your dad and Jo had any kids together? Just curious.
    I know how hard these things can be. I lost my father when I was 15 but we weren't on speaking terms when he died.
    Then my mom died a few years ago. I hate being an orphan. I wish my kids could have grandparents from my side. They have wonderful grandparents from my husbands side, so they're not lacking, I just feel it's unfair. I feel your pain!
    I'm sure this is all hitting you hard right now because you have a child on the way, and these things don't just affect you anymore, but your family.
    I don't have any wonderful advice, but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.
    Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Laura, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm going to email you on this one. Keep your chin up!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You are going to be ok...I just know it. I remember that EVERYTHING felt like BIG DEAL and Monumentally important when I was pregnant. I am not referring to the hormones (although those are real), but that part of you that is shifting from being a person on your own and a wife to being a MOTHER. You feel protective, your sense of right and wrong is heightened and you feel that mama bear growing. You want the world (and your family) to do right, be right and when that doesn't happen, you are willing (sometimes for the first time) to say it isn't right. Your baby will be blessed to have you and your husband as a great family unit...you are blessed!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't have a male figure in my life either. My dad passed away is 2002 and now Dail has left me. It is very difficult not to have that safety net you get from a father figure. I feel for you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The moment I finally gave up and realized that my dad is just who he is and that no matter what I say or do - he will always be a spiteful, mean person who is never wrong and hates his family. I used to get so angry and cry and he would make my moms life hell because I would say something to him that he didn't like - then I just stopped - I decided that he had way too much control over my emotions and that all I do is hurt myself when I get upset because no matter how upset I am and how obviously wrong he is - he will not see what it has to do with his actions and make me the out as the bad person. We now have very basic relationship - he gets to see his grand kids and I/we don't ever visit for more than an hour but I have some contact which is important I think because I would regret having none at all. Im sure that you can figure out how much of a relationship you can handle and how many more tears you want to shed for someone who wont change. This is a control thing that you can take away from him - dont let him make you feel sad or bad or anything - you are responsible for you. You are a wonderful person and you have a baby coming and you will be a great mom and your focus needs to be on the happy life that you have not on what provides unhappiness.
    Much love xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I feel you; I really do.
    I don't even have a current number for my dad right now. When my mom died I had to call his aunt and ask her to have him call me. He fathered me and cheated on my mom with her best friend and he let me go. His choice.
    I have my step dad. I can love him for having given my mom a good life and keeping her alive as long as he did. It is what I have.
    But you and me, we have other blessings and they are what is important.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am so glad you feel comfortable talking about this. My father's most recent marriage is to a wonderful woman, but they started dating while my dad was married. I told him at that time that, while I love him, I could not be in the wedding because of that. It definitely made for big tension within the whole family (like "how can you not be in the wedding, your brothers are, etc...basically I was seen as a big 'ol bitch). But as adults, we have to make decisions on what things are ok for our lives and what ones aren't. I know it's a hard line to take, and you'll get feedback from both sides-keep reminding yourself that you're doing what's right for you and for your family. Keep strong, Mama Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, I do wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you things will work out. Throughout all the heartache you have learned many things. Mostly, you have learned the parenting skills you do not like and will not carry over to your children. How lucky is the new life you carry inside you!?

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete

I love hearing from y'all, so leave a comment!