Friday, February 1, 2013

Randompants Letters

To the Hobby Lobby Semi-Truck driving Asshole: I understand that you might not have any control over what time you make your deliveries. So driving down a major highway into the city at rush hour traffic in the morning has got to be horrible. But let me give you a tip.......MOVE YOUR SLOW ASS INTO THE RIGHT LANE!!! Did you know the left lane is for passing?!?! Didja? Didja? Because clearly you skipped that part in drivers ed. Next time you decide to go 50mph in a 60mph, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, merge your huge butt-ugly truck into a lane that OTHER people are going 50. So the people, uhemmmm ME, that want to go 65, can freaking go 65 and make it to work on time!!!! F*cking idiot drivers.

To Toaster Strudels: I love you. Like a lot. When I can pile you on a mound of organic produce and the weird checkout lady with a uni-brow gives me the stink eye over my choice of food stuffs, I don't give two shits. Because as Sandra pointed out, the baby made me buy you. And listen Uni-brow, if the baby needs Toaster Strudels, then the baby gets Toaster Strudels. I may not look pregnant, but there should be no judging by someone that clearly needs a hedge-trimmer for their facial hair.

To the Dirty Old Maintenance Man that retired yesterday: Your slightly offensive sexual comments may bother a $2 pole dancer that can light her nipples on fire on G-String Night, but let me tell you somethin'.....I worked in a bar for 10 years of my life. There is nothing that can come out of your nasty 82 year mouth that is going to shock me. I've heard it all buddy. You should have stopped trying to shock me years ago. It was a waste of your limited breath. Needless to say, I'm finally glad I don't have to dodge ass comments 18 times a day from you any more. BUT, I will miss you and your endless supply of donuts. You made my mornings every Tuesday and Friday for the last 3 years, and my love handles thank you for that.

To my new Glasses: While I am slightly upset that just a short year after I went through the painful and expensive Lasik surgery to get my eyesight corrected, I'm kinda diggin' how you make me look all sexy librarian-like. And now I sorta feel badass stylish with my new specs. Which is a first.

To Mr. Sandman: Could you stop being a selfish illusive prick and let me sleep for more than 2 hours at a time?!?! For the love of God, Man, I go to bed early, I do my little relaxing thing that helps quite my mind, I have the fan on, I've kicked the snoring and dream-induced-convulsing puppy out of bed, I've changed pillows, I've lowered the temp. WHAT THE F*CK MORE DO I HAVE TO DO?!?! I'm so tired. Would it really be that bad to curl up under my desk right now????

To My New Juicer: I am obsessed. Like psycho-stalker-peeping-in-windows-in-the-rain-at-my-crush obsessed. Not that I've ever done that. The fact that I can throw in just about any fruit or veggie and you spew out the most deliciously smooth sweet concoction of juice is amazeballs! (THANKS MOM!!!! BEST GIFT EVER!!!)
That would be Orange, Apple, and Carrot juice. To. Die. For.

To The Couple That Unloaded 87 Items in the 12 Item Max Express Lane Last Night At The Store: You are morons. And rude. I hope karma blesses you with the worst 14 year old boy acne all over your body for the rest of your lives.

And To The Couple That Was Groping Each Other in the Sam's Club Checkout on a Sunday Afternoon: Seriously?! Soooooo wrong place and wrong time. Take your trailer park asses back to Hickville.

To Anyone That's Been Pregnant: Is there any way to reduce or to not get stretch marks AT ALL? I'm seriously freaking at this. I don't know why. I don't have any yet. But every morning I lather up on the thickest body butter cream available, praying to the Smooth Skin Gods that I won't experience the dreaded stretch marks. Please. I need advice!!!! I'm not the slightest bit worried about shoving a watermelon out a pea-size hole.....I'm worried about stretch marks. Figures.

-I'm going to post WEEK 7 recap shortly after this! Two posts in one day peeps!!! Get excited!!!


  1. I'm laughing so hard I can't even breathe! Omg, you're even funnier pregnant! After you pop baby banana out, I'm slipping your hubby some Viagra, nudie magazines, and a saddle- and then slapping him on the ass and telling him to get back on that pretty pony! Cuz we love this humor, dammit! :)


  2. So, the stretch mark thing. . .Does your mom have them? Evidently, they are genetic. I had none all through my pregnancy and the minute the little dudes popped out they appeared. Weirdness. I don't think any amount of extra lotion will help keep them away, but moisturized skin always feels and looks nicer than dry, scaly skin, so go for it! :)

  3. Keep lotioning up that belly and keep the skin nice and soft. It can't hurt, right? I didn't have any stretch marks with my first, but got quite a few with the second. They suck.
    I've never had a toaster strudel but I know when I was pregnant with my first, pop tarts were my best friend. In fact, I'd open them in the store and eat while I shopped!

  4. I have just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.


I love hearing from y'all, so leave a comment!