First, I walk in the door and she tells me that she has decided to 'take a break' from The Schwan's Man. Seriously, Mother?
The Schwan's Man has had a very special relationship with her and my stepdad Mike for quite a few years. Numero Uno: they just leave their back door unlocked so he can just come in whenever to drop off the
Then, when Mike was home during the day, him and the Schwan's Man (btw, still don't know his real name after years of him coming to my parents house, not odd at all) LOVED to have a little fun. One instance, Mike got his pistol out of the gun safe and asked the guy if he'd act like Mike was 'holding him up' and take some pictures of it to put on the internet.
So there's Mike with the gun in his hand 'sneaking' up to the door of the truck, in one photo. Then the next photo, there's the Schwan's Man, feet spread, hands on the side of the truck acting like Mike's going to frisk him or something. Yup, totally normal. And we showed those photos at Mike's funeral. Have you ever seen people in nice suits and dresses just rolling on the floor laughing an hour after a funeral service? Well, I have. (Best thing ever!)
Anyway. I asked her how it was going and she replied, "Well, I just couldn't take it any more, I had to call him back." Shocker. BUT, she asked him if he had any 'diet' ice cream. And he suggested these little ice cream sandwiches that are only 150 calories and 3 grams of fat. 'Perfect! That's a great healthy choice!', I said. Then Hardy, my Mom's boyfriend, pipes up and says, "Well not when you have TWO of them per night!" I just put my head in my hands and shook my head.
Second, Hardy then says, "Hey, Laura, I got something for ya." Alrighty. And he pulls out a Remington 1100 Shotgun and said, "This is yours. I'm cleaning it up for you and we're giving it to you." WHAT?!!!! My very own gun?! Really??? (For all that don't know, I'm a hick. I like shooting things. Shocker, I know.) And this would be my very FIRST gun! Then my Mom explains that that was the gun that Mike gave to her, but she never uses it and thought it would be better if I had it. YESSSS! I completely agree. Very badass.
|Just practicing shooting those gobblers. |
(Sorry Dawnya, it's going to happen some day.)
|I just have no clue what this is.|
|More mean face. Cause I'm a badass chick gun owner.|
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
|Mom showing me how a 'real' mean face is. Keep practicing mom.|
So, yeah. I'm officially a gun owner. BAAAAD. AAAsssssss!
Then, Mom says, "Come over here and look at my shrooms!!" Huh? Mother, when did you start tripping? Do we need to have a little chat about what druggies do to your brain? Hummmm, do we?
No, really, she's got crazy gargantuan psycho alien mushrooms freaking sprouting out of her lawn looking like they were made for that Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie. God, I love Johnny Depp.....MMmmm yummy. Sorry. Got sidetracked. It happens. Anyways.
Aren't they just totally freaky? Right? Well, I thought so.
Who the hell writes about a Schwan's Man, guns, and mushrooms in a blog that's supposed to be dedicated to beer, dogs and health? Who the hell just writes about those crazy topics on ANY blog? Oh, yeah, I forgot, this looney toons.
And y'all read it. What's that say about you, huh? Well, it says we're all looney toons too.
This is what it's like every time I visit my Mom. Every. Time. Now you know where I get my kookiness. I had to grow up having conversations about completely worthless shit, but somehow it all made sense. Somehow.
Well, I guess I lived up to the title of this crapshoot.....Just every day normal in crazytown here.
**Side note: Ryan and I went dishwasher shopping today. I know, y'all are jealous. Let me tell ya, it was a scintillating experience. Anyway, we were walking out of Sears and I looked over and they had these little machines right next to the dishwashers, but half the size. And I said, "Look Ryan, we could get a mini-dishwasher for the lake cabin!" He replies, "Those are trash compactors, dear." Awesome Laura. Classic ditz, right here Ladies and Gents. You know you all want to be just like me.
Doesn't get any better than that.
And it's only Saturday night.