Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Loving my change to average.

So, I feel like I need to write. Again.

Twice in one day, despite weeks of no words, I know. It's a miracle. Call the Vatican. Heaven's gates hath open. Wide.

Ohhhh, do I need to write. Or release. Or just vent. Whatevs.

#1 all y'all's comments & texts just made my day on my last post. MADE.MY.DAY. I wish EVERYONE in my life was as supportive as y'all are. Fo Real.Z. You are my family, my friends, and my life. And I thank every single one of you for everything! EVERYTHING!!!

And now I sit here. Not knowing what to write.
Story of my life.

But I just feel like I need to say something.

I feel lost.

Yes. lost.

Sometimes I know exactly what I want. Like today, with the post earlier. I was lost, then I found myself. Easy peezy lemon squeezy in a gut wrenching, entrails burning, torching my fingers sort of way. Wow. That was graphic. But really, it was hard. And painful. But needed, in some twisted weird way.

But now, I'm lost again. I know what I want. I know how to get there. It's just getting other people on board that's the challenge. Which makes me feel lost again.

Don't you wish we all lived in a perfect world where beer was calorie and fat free, ice cream was homemade and at your fingertips every second of the day, and shoulder massages were mandatory for everyone? Every hour. On the hour. Of course, preformed by Mr. Reynolds with a side of Adam Levine. Oh, and TOMS were free. Because.....why not?

Or where you write your heart out and everyone just 'got it'?

Yeah, I wish the world was like that too.
But it's not. Not my world. At least.

I feel like I have to fight for what I want every second of the day. Not fight for my life, like my sista from anotha mista's son Cole. Or my friend's recently passed Dad's fight for life. Not like my other friend's husband that fights to save lives every day against fires. Or not like soooo many of you fight so hard for that ounce of fat that accumulated over years of your life, that you hate, and now are amazingly fighting back (Y'all are my heroes by the way).
I fight for understanding. I fight for acceptance. I fight for.........happiness.

But then again, I guess we all fight for that, huh?

Why does it have to be so hard?
Why can't life be lemon squeezy? In a beer.

Because it's life. That's why.

I've been sitting on my deck. Maybe sipping on a few cold ones. Contemplating why I have to fight to make people understand that when I want to be just 'average', it's a good thing. It's a helluva good thing.

All my life I felt like I was below average. I had C's & D's in school. Except Art of course.  I was NOT athletic. Definitely a below average in that category. I barely made friends. Again, below average. And I had a fucked up childhood where I moved from town to town for no apparent reason, all because 'trust' and 'honesty' didn't even remotely enter my family's vocabulary. (I know it's cryptic, but I can't say much on here.)

So to achieve 'average'.....hell, that's amazing for me! Down right intoxicating. And I'm not talking about the 1/2 case I've drank tonight.

Average is good.
Average is great.
Praise the average!

Could I do better?
Sure.
Is it a high priority right now?
Nope.

Average is good for me. I like me some average.

Would i love to be above average some day?
You betcha!
Will I get above average some day?
Damn skippy!!

But right now, I'm content with plain old vanilla average.

Now why, if I'm happy where I'm at, can't other people be happy where I'm at too?

Why?

There comes a point in every one's lives that Change happens.
Every one's.

Do I want to change to be above average? Na. I'm cool where I'm at.

Why don't I want to change, you ask?

Well, because 'Change' was my entire life for 24 years. And I'm only Thirty.....one.

I changed towns.
I changed houses.
I changed schools.
I changed friends.
I changed dads.
I changed moms.
I changed love. For me and by me.

I changed my relationship status with a boyfriend one time because I didn't like that he was from the town that we grew up in. I loved him. We had everything in common. He was my best friend. He still is my only best friend from my hometown, even though we rarely talk. But I didn't want to be tied to that town for the rest of my life. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I had to change it.

I'm used to change. I've dealt with change. I've adapted to change.

I've finally found who I want to be and don't want to change any more. Is that wrong?

But is that going to stop me from improving? From trying to 'someday' become above average?

No. Not on your life.

It just means that right this nano second, I don't want to deal with any more change. At all. I think I've dealt with enough change to last 18 people their lives. Ten fold.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!?!?!

I don't hate change. I just don't want to deal with it right now.

Easy peezy lemon squeezy. In a beer.

Well. These last few posts are interesting, huh?
Interesting in the fact that I'm batshit crazy randompants.

Eh, who gives a toot.

This is me. Ups and downs. Right and wrongs. Good and bad.

Sometimes I wish I had the tatas to tell everyone how I really felt. About everything.
Or just talk to those that I can't talk to.
Or just call those and tell them how they improved my life, or hurt my life, or made my life what it is today.

But that would require changing to be above average.

Just not quite ready for that shittastic yet.

4 comments:

  1. Rebecca (the coworker you abandoned)May 2, 2012 at 8:24 AM

    Let's have a pity party in the print shop! Seriously though you're being too hard on yourself. I do, however, understand your feelings of being lost. I'm kind of lost too. I feel my identity has been lost since I've stopped doing kickboxing. Who am I? Exactly. Five years and then bloop! It's gone. Plus I'm bored with my own life. I may start doing drugs to break the monotony. Not really. So you see, we all have poo poo to deal with. So pick up your pooper scooper and poo bag and keep moving.

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  2. So are you saying you don't want to change...lol!
    I think this is par for the course in your 30's I think there is a lot of reflection at this age.

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  3. Aww honey...I wish I was there to give you a BIG hug!!! Most of go through this sort of thing from time to time...a little bit of self reflection is never a bad thing. The trick is not to get down on yourself for what you haven't done but celebrate what you HAVE done.

    You are an amazing person and I'm glad to call you my friend...give me a call sometime if you need to talk...I'm always here for you...

    (((HUGS)))

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  4. I'm sorry, you lost me to a daydream with "a side of Adam Levine." :) I hear the struggle though and I so get you. Just let yourself work through it and let it go. Love you bunches!!

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