Tuesday, May 1, 2012

MIA - Me and my self esteem.

First of all, I know, I know......I've been absent for like a week and a half. (I know, Lindsey, you're probably just going out of your mind w/o my posts. I'm sorry!)

I have not died.

I have not fallen into some weird Kansas suckhole abyss of pig shit.

I have not run away with Mr. Reynolds to an internetless tropical island where he feeds me all the cookies and cream ice cream and summer beers that I can handle. (Which would only happen if for some unthinkable and horrible reason my wonderful hubby wasn't around any more and we all know he's not going anywhere! Just a little side note there.)

Here, just to make us all in a better mood on this shittastic wonderful Tuesday.

Ryan loves puppehs. And puppehs love Ryan.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Moving on.

I've just been busy.

And avoiding life.

Well, really, avoiding my life. My healthy life. 
And since this bloggy blog is all about getting healthy.......I just couldn't find the motivation (or courage) to write about how slacking I've been.

See, basically my Mrs. Bitchass Health-Conscious-Mind has decided that she's going to go on a little vacay retreat. 

Despite how much I plead with her to stop being a psychotic turdhole, she just smiles at me from her little fluffy lounge chair, sipping a colossal-sized, calorie-laden, strawberry-mango margarita.......w/ salt...........then just breaks out in Cruella Devil-bitch-style laughing at me. And finally, her middle finger makes an appearance, like the ho-bagpipes that she is.

Who knows when she'll return. Could be October.

And because I know all y'all on here are like my fantasticest friends and best support team, I felt like I've been letting y'all down. I mean, I know you'd love me know matter what, but I still feel like flaming dog poo for not being the best that I can be.

I know I can't be perfect all the time. Well, I kinda know that. Being a perfectionist, it's hard admitting that I'm not perfect..........

I just didn't know what to say to y'all.
So I didn't say anything.

Then one of my bestestEST friends sent me a little texty and asked what was going on with me. Saying simply that she was here for me, and if I wanted to talk to her about it I could. So I started writing an email, all my dark and poopy and abusive thoughts, which in turn just opened the floodgates and made me want to write more.

Then she did what all bestestest friends do and promptly gave me a virtual slap to the forehead. With a 30 pound book titled, "Stop beating yourself up!"

See, I was feeling all sorry for myself and guilty because I haven't ran in over 3 weeks. I was straight up using myself as a punching bag, like I normally do, and didn't give two tits what that was doing to my self esteem.

Well, Bestestest pointed out that little monumental flaw to me. She so smart. I love her long time.

This is what I do.......when I don't do something perfect, like exercising blahblah times a week, I call myself lazy and pathetic and worthless.

Why? Why do I do that?

Well, with the help of Bestestest, I think I know why. I think I'm trying to please other people.
I think that if I exercise, then I'll make other people happy. And they'll like me. Or love me more. Or they won't leave me.

Again.....WHY?! Why do I do that?!

It's not like I've done nothing for the last 3 weeks. I haven't been sitting on my ass. Quite the opposite. I co-hosted the best baby shower of this century one weekend. I've been planting my garden. I've been working my ass off at the ol' job. I've been looking for new vehiculars (cars). I've been taking engagement pictures, and newborn pictures. I've been traveling to see family.

So what if I want to get an extra 1/2 hour of sleep in the mornings??!?!?!  
So what if when I get home I'm exhausted and want to SIT THE FARTS DOWN FOR AN HOUR or two?!?!?!

And who cares if I've developed a slight obsession with those thinny cow, or dumbass cow, or Ican'tbelieveIboughtawholecaseofthis cow ice cream sandwiches. Damn you Sam's Club and your ice cream section from Hell!!!! 
Yup, I've had one every day. EVERY. DAY! (maybe two a day......sometimes.........WHAT THE FRANKFORTS, LAURA?????????!!!!!!)

--My justification is that at least it's not the 832 calorie butterfinger blast sundae that I'd normally mow down. And if I just ignore my slight obsession-type uncontrollable cravings for ice cream, it'll just get worse. Then I would splurge on the ass-fattening goodness mentioned above.--

But why do I feel like I need to please other people all the time, by doing what they want me to do, in order to be happy?

I mean, it's no super stealth military secret that I loath to exercise. Always have. Probably always will. I know it makes me feel better. I know it helps battle depressive thoughts. I know it makes me healthier. But I still hate it. A lot.

But that brings me to another point. I mean, I'm in pretty good health. Really. I'm an average BMI. I weight 151, which for my height, is exactly what I should weigh. 

Yes, I don't have abs of steel.
Yes, I have some serious batwings.
Yes, my Ben & Jerry's are the size of watermelons. (those would be my thighs)
And yes, my pooper is, well, just plain bubbley. It's a word.

None of those things signal an unhealthy person.
They just say that I'm not an exercise freak and all I think about is crunches and triceps dips and muscle enhancers 24/7. (Not that those people are bad!)

I know I could go outside right now and run 4 miles. Without stopping. I know I can. That's healthy! And I know that I couldn't have done that a year ago.

The questions remain:
1.  Why do I feel like I need to please other people so much by doing what they want me to do? 
2.  Why do I feel that when other people are happy is the only time I can be happy?
3.  Why do I beat myself up so hard for not being 100% perfect?

These are all interesting and good questions.

And the only answer I have is that I lack self esteem and confidence in myself. I lack it a lot. And that causes me to feel like I have to please other people or be 100% perfect in order to have self esteem/confidence.

I know that may come as a shock to some of you, that I lack high self esteem, but it's true. Sometimes I seem like I just ooze it. But, honestly, I've always struggled with it. Always. 
 
And I think I know why. I think I know where it stems from.

It's two part really.
#1 is I moved around a lot as a kid. And it got harder and harder to make friends along the way. Especially when you're shy. (Yes, another shocker, I am really shy around people I don't know. REALLY SHY.) And when others wouldn't be my friend, I'd 'change' myself to fit them. And each time I did that, my self esteem would drop just a little bit more. Until finally I had none left.
#2 I think is my dad. My biological dad, Martin. He's just the type of person that you want to make sure you're perfect for and to please 100% of the time. Actually, I think he made it mandatory to be perfect. And I think that had a huge impact for me when I was little.

So this is my plan:
--I'm going to not worry about running (or not running) or how many thinny cow sandwiches I eat a day (not to say I'm going to completely go postal and throw the healthy lifestyle out the window, I'm just going to relax a little). 
--I'm going to concentrate on my self esteem and confidence. I'm going to build those two important things up. I want to be sure of myself. I want to feel better about myself. I want to be happy with myself!

And if I get a bug up my ass to go for a run or take Wyatt on a walk, I'll do it. But if I don't, I won't put myself down because of that. I'll do it for FUN! Not because I have to, or because someone wants me to. I think I'll find that I'll want to exercise more if I do it for fun, than anything or anyone else.

How's that sound?
Good?
Good.

Thanks for reading all this. I created this blog to write. Because writing makes me feel better. And yes, I do feel SO.MUCH.BETTER right now.

And thanks to my Bestestest friend who loves me and cares for me so much. I cherish you for your kind and amazing heart of gold. I am so glad I have you in my life.

14 comments:

  1. That's really ironic, because I started a "where-are-you-Im-going-to-die-without-my-daily-dose-of-Laura" email to you today! (And then that damned doctor walked in with his clipboard to take Cole to surgery. Jerk.) Anyway, I'm SO GLAD you're back!

    I think to some extent we all do that as women. We are always taking care of everyone else. We never get to validate those things & how much work it actually is, because we never stop moving. And when we do FINALLY stop moving--- we beat ourselves up about how non-focused on ourselves we were. And it's crap. I blame estrogen. And men. Because that's fun!

    We love you- running or not! You are a wicked awesome person who provides a daily smile to TONS of people! (Literally tons. I weigh like 900 lbs. lol Kidding!)

    xoxo
    Sarah

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  2. Laura, really, I love you tons. If you run or don't run- I still love you. You have to live your life!!!

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  3. I am giving up the scale this month. It can kiss my ass. Seriously.

    I have some hilarious pictures of me a Green Lantern beach towel. It looks like Ryan & I are together. You'd be jealous.

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  4. This last year I took a vacation from everything healthy. Looking back now, I wish I hadn't, I had the tools, I could have done better. But I didn't, and that's life. Life gets in the way of all our best intentions. You'll get back to it some day, and if you don't everyone will love you just the same. Sounds like a need for half price wine night ;) It makes everything better.

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  5. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Not that I am glad you are struggling by any means, but I have definitely been going through similar emotions, and it has caused a huge negative impact on my quality of life. I think sometimes the stress we place on ourselves to be perfect and healthy actually makes us a lot less healthy in the long run!

    I hope you are able to pick that self confidence right back up from wherever you left it, cause you are an awesome lady, and you deserve to KNOW it and FEEL it! :)

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  6. I'm glad your back!!! And I feel your pain, sister. I've been slacking in the exercise and making up for it in the eating department. So much so that I wanted to throw up when I stepped on my scale the other day. And then cry. :P

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  7. oh God, YOU'RE back. Not YOUR. UGH!

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  8. It would please me if you try my wraps and healthy whole person routine.

    Haaa just kidding.

    Follow your own heart. You can not take care of others until you've taken care of you....whatever that means :O)

    I've got a lot more insightful, deep, thought provoking things I could share but I just popped a magners. The Porch is waiting...and we all know I take care of me first.

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  9. I love you no matter what! Finding a wy to be happy with yourself is everyone's life challenge. Keep writing about it and you will get there.

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  10. Anytime, anywhere for you babe. I'll email you a response tomorrow. It's my turn. I'm happy to have read this...you sound like my friend Laura Belle again...and I missed her.

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  11. Okay my love...I read the WHOLE thing. LOL

    I am so glad that you are thinking things through. I love that you are realizing that what others think of you is unimportant. You are a superstart Laura Belle. You are amazing. You are you and you are enough.

    Finding your way back to you is all that is important. If you decide to run...run...if you want to eat that bucket of ice cream eat it.

    Take care of you...that's all that is important. We will always be here for you. I can't wait to hug the snot out of you.

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  12. Whoo hoo! (not ho) Glad you're back!! I know what you mean, I'd probably never judge anyone as harshly as I judge myself. Hubby says low self esteem is a female thing and he just shakes his head at me. I swear if I had the self esteem of a freaking guy, I'd f-ing rule this planet!!! Not that I want to. As for healthy. Do what feels good, as long as the sparkly TOMS fit-all is well... :)

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  13. It's important to remember that, while abdominal exercise won't get rid of fat from the belly, a strong core is important for keeping your body healthy and protecting your spine.

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