Day 15: Pregnancy Words of Wisdom from yours truly: Goddess of Pregnancy
Sorry I missed Sat and Sun. Moving. It blows ass. Stinky donkey ass.
1. When 7.75 months pregnant, DO NOT attempt to race up your basement stairs, two at a time, to catch the moving guys before they bring your deep freeze to the basement, that has no plug-ins in the spot where you wanted to put the deep freeze. Your legs will give out mid-jump, on the first attempt at the 2-step try, because you're about 40+ lbs a fatass, and your equilibrium is off because there's a heavy beach ball stuck on your belly button. Hopefully, you will be lucky enough that you don't face-plant the corner of the stair. And only your best friend Jordan saw you. And she didn't even lecture that much.
Just save yourself the trouble and don't do it.
2. When each of your feet are the size of a hippo's ass cheek, soaking them in an effing freeze-your-toes-off ice bath does really help. Your tootsies almost feel semi-normal the next day, and will shrink to baby hippo's ass cheek.
Beware, that first time you dip your sore little toesies in that water, you will throw out curse words you never knew you knew. Because it's take-your-Christian-values-away kind of cold.
3. Make use of your jacuzzi tub! No, I'm trying not to make y'all jealous or anything............well, maybe a little. But I've never had a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. And even when I was pre-pregnancy normalish-sized, I rarely took baths because I didn't fit so well. (Damn those pigmy-sized tubs and my 5'8" ass height!)
And even having the new giant sized tub, I still wasn't all that thrilled because I had numerous people tell me that they rarely used theirs because it took forever to fill up, it got cold, it was a pain in the ass, whiny, whine whine, whinertown. Well, I thought I'd see for myself and holy shitballs people!!! There are jets!!! In a bathtub!!! That massage your feet and lower back!! And it makes LOTS of bubbles! Well, almost too many bubbles, we almost had an overspill. Note To Self: Do not dump half a bottle of bubbles in when turning on the jets.....bubbles are extremely difficult to clean up.
It was the best 30 minutes of my life. And the water didn't take long at all, and it was actually too hot, so I had to add cold to it.
This is going to be a weekly occurrence, I believe.
4. To help with 'Numb-Hand' (aka pregnancy induced carpel tunnel syndrome):
A) Sleep sitting up (which is about as fun as walking on nails while being forced to listen to Fran Drescher give a lecture on photosynthesis).
B) Dangle your arm over the bed until the feeling comes back, or until the dog thinks it's the prime opportunity to give your palm a bath with his stinky dead-fish-smelling tongue. Flip sides and repeat for other hand. Bonus: your hands are clean when you get out of bed.
5. If moving while 7.75 months pregnant, enlist your badass best friend (who knows your CDO ways) to do all the unpacking of the kitchen and Baby Girl's room. Your jello, sauces, baby's clothes, etc will be neatly arranged alphabetically, to color, and size. God Bless Jordan. Don't know what I'd do without her.
6. Get a boston creme pie....or two. And eat it, every day.
It makes everything seem better.
Take this for what it's worth.....about nothing.
Have a great Monday folks!