Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Late nights with too much beer in the fridge.

It's 11pm and I can't sleep.
So I write.

But about what?

What I want to write about isn't pretty. It isn't funny or jaw-dropping or amusing (not like anyone thinks i'm amusing anyway. lol). I know I'm all about green donkey balls and unlimited beer bongs on here, but tonight isn't going to be pee your pants hilarious.....

It's just going to be me. A different me.

What about me??? I mean, really, that was a question to myself, what about me? What is it about me that is 'off' tonight? Or, any given night?

I'm going to tell you the hard truth. I have depression. Like a Mo Fo. Seriously. I was 'formally' diagnosed when I was about 23, but through that doctor and many others, we figured out that I've probably been born with an imbalance (love that word) to be 'happy'. Unlike 'other' people, I need to work extra hard to feel 'normal' (also another word I love).

Man, there's a lot of these ('') things going on in this post. Well, just bare with me.

A long time ago, I started moving from town to town. At a very young age. Slowly but surely I started becoming self conscience about myself, because it was harder and harder to make friends. Well that low self esteem just stuck. Then about middle school I moved to a town that had a 'you're not from there.....you're not from there' kind of mentality. So I was an outcast.
Perfect.

Oh everyone said, "you're beautiful, you're funny, you'll make tons of friends". Soooo not the case.
It was horrible.

So my already low self esteem just took a nose dive in Satan's shithouse. Head first. With it's mouth open.

So, what did I do.....I fought tooth and nail to graduate high school and get the F out of Dodge. (Almost literally, being from Kansas and all.) Once in college, things were a little easier.....at first. But it slowly started getting bad. Like real bad. I found out friends weren't friends and boyfriends sucked. Oh, and some of my family just didn't give a damn. Ya. That one hurt.

Then one day, by the grace of 'Someone' above, and my cousin Corey (who's my best friend too) I decided to change, to be the person I WANTED to be. That I'd dreamt about being.

That's when I started counseling.

And I worked 2 long and hard years to gain some of my self esteem back. Or more accurately, learn how to have some self esteem. Some high self esteem.

It was hard. And a LOT of work.

2 years. TWO YEARS! That's a long motha fucking time.

It was counseling once a week and biofeedback every day. (For those of you that have never heard about biofeedback, it's a technique of controlling your heart rate, body temp and sweat, that with practice, allows you to relax in stressful situations. If you want to know more, message me.)

So there I was, the ripe ol' age of 24, fresh off the looney train, and ready to conquer the world. With medication of course. ;-)

Now, at 31, I'm falling right back to where I was at 22. Depressed. Sad. Beaten. Down.

Why?????

Believe it or not, I am super shy. Like REALLY shy. But on here, I can be myself, I can act myself, and I can talk about all the dumbshit things I do. I don't care. Because for some reason, y'all are friends....and family....and I know that, despite only meeting one of you in person. But in 'life'.....helllz to the NO. Can't do it. I can't let go. I can't be myself.

I think that's the main reason I'm back at that 'dark place'. That place where I don't like who I am or what I've become.

I WANT TO BE MYSELF!!!!

I miss myself.
I miss ME!
I want to be the person that I'm on here, but out in the 'open'.

But is 'ME' good enough? Some people don't think so. Some people want me to be somebody else.

Is this making any sense? No? OK. Good. Then we're on the same page.

I've got so many things going for me. I've got a great job where I'm doing the most original things in the world. I'm a talented artist. I'm not that bad to look at (not being boastful, just saying that I like the way I look, wouldn't change it for the world, even with my double chin and Ben & Jerry's [thunder thighs].) I'm funny (at least on here). I love a Higher Power, not God per se, but a higher existence than myself. I love beer. That's a give-in. I mean, who wouldn't like a person that loves a frosty malt beverage???? Every.Night. I can be the sweetest person on the planet.....but then be the biggest stubborn ol'  bitch you've ever set your eyes on. I hate spiders. I love to bad movies. And if given the choice, I will read a book or take a nap instead of doing any type of 'work'. I also am more OCD than a chemist on crack.

What's not to love?

So the question is.....do I love ME??

AND: Do I care if others love me? Or if they don't love me.?
Despite my faults of depression and drunkardness. And my fear of spiders.

Another question is: How strong am I?
Can I be strong enough for everyone?

Well, it's been that way my whole life. Why stop now?
Except that I'm tired of being strong for everyone else. Why can't I be strong for me for a change?

Life sucks. My mind sucks. My emotions suck. Why couldn't I just be 'programed' to be happy? WHY?

Because that's not life. Life isn't happy.
Shit. I know that.
I lost a Dad. I miss Mike.
I lost friends.
I lost..............................well.............ME.

But, I've dealt with those losses, and I HAVE found ME again. At least, at one time. What do I do to find ME again?

I found 'ME' when I was completely alone. Not a friend or family member there. Now, don't get me wrong, I had some friends and some family, but I chose not to allow them into my world. It worked. At the time.

Do I need to be alone to make it work again?
i just don't know.

I do know that I'm damn near worse now than I was 10 years ago. That's a kick in the whoo-ha.

Part of me wants to go this alone. To fight my own battles. To fix my own problems. Another part says 'You need to ask for help!'.
But can I?????
Can I allow myself to ask for help, when at one time I figured it out on my own perfectly fine?
WILL I allow myself to BE helped?
And if I go this alone, will I regret it later???

Scary shit peeps. Scary shit.

Betcha didn't know I was this fucked up, huh?

Welcome to the Danger Zone.

21 comments:

  1. Wow... So brave to post this. I can relate to the depression...except i've NEVER gotten help. Even after a judge told me straight up to get help at the trial for the man that sexually abused me. Not once...Never. I've done a lot on my own (some bad, most good) but I often wonder if I need to get help now being so long ago this all happened. I have times where I just want to crawl out of my skin and hide in a dark hole. it sucks...big time. We can all say how wonderful and beautiful and amazeballs you are and that's all fine and dandy but it's not what you truly need. I know because I've been there. It's nice to hear those things but just like drugs it gives you a temporary high because YOU don't believe it. I wish you luck my friend and please know that there are sooo many people on here for you. We are just a click away...

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  2. Thanks for being real. Life is the good, bad and ugly. Not just beer and ice cream (damn it anyway.)

    My only advice is "just because you can do something alone, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it with someone else."

    I'm a do-it-myself-er. I don't NEED anyone. Especially not someone I have to ask for help, but the truth is the people we love want to help us. Just like we want to help them.

    You are good enough. You, just you. I say that you are worth the work and doing whatever you need to do to get back to "just doing you."

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  3. Oh Laura, you poor thing. We love you lots just how you are and if you can be strong enough to let other see, they will too. xx

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  4. I'm sorry your hurting darling, I have so many depression/anxiety issues and it's a life long battle, we never really conquer it, but we do make progress. I'm really glad you spoke to us all about your struggles, that was brave of you. Love x

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  5. Thanks for posting ~ Depression sucks ass. I suffered horribly for many years - counseling was a huge help ~ medication was also a help but the one thing that I feel finally pulled me out of that hole for good was exercise.
    I hate depression - its the worst ever - I was heavily medicated in my early 20s - Lithium and Prozac and sleeping pills - bad news but it saved my life.
    Don't mess around - make sure you see someone and please email me if want to chat! Keep doing you because you is awesome!

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  6. Thanks for posting ~ Depression sucks ass. I suffered horribly for many years - counseling was a huge help ~ medication was also a help but the one thing that I feel finally pulled me out of that hole for good was exercise.
    I hate depression - its the worst ever - I was heavily medicated in my early 20s - Lithium and Prozac and sleeping pills - bad news but it saved my life.
    Don't mess around - make sure you see someone and please email me if want to chat! Keep doing you because you is awesome!

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  7. Hang in there Laura, we're here for you funny stuff or serious shit. We like you just the way you are!

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  8. We'll be right here with you-through all your ups & downs woman! I hope you pull through this dark period soon.

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  9. Don't go it alone this time. 10 years ago...that's what you needed to make it happen. This time...you are stronger...even if you don't feel it now...you are super strong. It took a strong person to put this out into the world. A world that is not just us...your family reads this.

    You are not alone. You have your Ryan....you have your family and you have us.

    It's time to sit down with those closest to you and talk about this. Ask for help my sweet girl.

    They will hold you up. I'll catch you if you need to fall.

    I love you long time!!!

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  10. You're very brave for putting it all out there. I'm sure so many of us are feeling a lot of what you're feeling but are too afraid or unaware to post about it.
    I hope you're on the upswing soon. Keep your chin up! Just knowing what's going on is a huge part of the battle.

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  11. You know what is depressing? I am eating an Atkins protein bar for breakfast. Does that make you feel better?

    No?

    Fine.

    When I read this, I thought of Draz...and how on her blog she is crazy and in your face and outgoing, but in real life she suffers from anxiety and has to push herself to be with people and be outgoing. What struck me is that the reason people love you on this blog, and they way you love to be on this blog...is/are the same reasons people love you in real life. it's harder in real life I suppose, bc you usually the people that follow our blogs do so by free will and if they follow us, that usually means they like us, so it creats this universe where we are our own superstar with loving groupies. Ah Blogging.

    I want people to love me too. Just last night I found out that my neighbor, who dog sits for us and who I just had a conversation with in her front yard, deleted me from facebook at some point. Heather is still on her facebook. And she is batshit crazy, so I shouldnt let it bother me...but I have already given to much energy to her.

    I have considered recently seeing a therapist (which would be my first time)...I just dont know what I will get from it. I think I know everything. I think I know how to fix me. Clearly I dont though, bc my dark days come at least once a month it seems, and when I am in the pit...it's so hard to get out. Everything is bleak.

    Keep your beautiful head up my friend. And when things get really bad, just remind yourself that we were born with teeth that fit our face.

    Some people are not so lucky.

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  12. I love you. And I would be sad if you left us all to go it alone. Just know I am always here for you, to drink a beer or talk about serious stuff.

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  13. Oh sweetie...I wish I could be there to give you a big hug in person...I guess we will both have to settle for a virtual hug

    (((HUGS)))

    Since I'm the only one of your on-line peeps that has met you in person, I can tell you that you are absolutely fabulous!!

    I hate that you are going through this but you don't have to do it alone! You have a lot of people who love you and want to help in any way...I know it feels like you need to do it yourself because that's the way you did it before but sometimes you need the people who love you to help carry you through things...AND THERE ARE A LOT OF US WHO LOVE YOU (including me)!!

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  14. Laura,
    I have a million things in my head to say to you.
    Let's start with a question. When you say you feel you need to do this alone- do you mean totally alone? What about Ryan, your mom, Wyatt, your cousins, and others who love you? Don't they deserve a chance to be there for you?
    Are you still talking to a therapist? Would you please either start or find one that fits with you?
    I feel as if I fake it every single day. Some days are more successful then others. You are in there always; but I believe there a many version of who we are.
    Laura, you are loved. If you need me to jump on a plane and come to Kansas, I will.

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  15. Girl, there is never any shame in asking for help. I think the strongest people are those who aren't afraid to ask for it. Let's face it... It is scary and humiliating sometimes to ask for help... But if you do, that makes you that much stronger of a person and means you are taking a step in the right direction and trying to better yourself. Thanks for this post, too. I am glad that you are reaching out and not just keeping it to yourself. Hugs!!!

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  16. I suffer from depression, too. I'm also sort of "outgoing" seeming on my blog, and I am with my best friends, etc... but at BOOBs last year, everyone was really surprised by how reserved I was. It was horrible to feel like I let everyone down because I wasn't as open and honest as you to be able to post something like this.

    I say get the help you need. You're a strong woman with a life you've built yourself, you're successful and lovable. There's nothing you can't do - except fix your brain all by yourself. That's gonna take a village. (Ha, in a good way!) Maybe try counseling again?

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  17. Just know that there's a HUGE community of people out here who support you and are here for you, no matter what. I too suffer from depression, diagnosed about 2 years ago, along with panic attacks. But I'm pretty sure I've been having these issues for many many years since my early teens, if not before. I know the feelings, wish I was "brave" enough for getting "help", but sometimes, I don't believe in it.

    Just know that you are not alone, even if you want to be.

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  18. Thank you for posting this and being open! I love who you are and that you feel comfortable being who you are with us! I would say use all the tools that you know that can help you. Support from family, friends, the blog world; medication, counseling. We love you long time!

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  19. You crazy girl....you are so hard on yourself. You have been dealt a crappy hand BUT you deserve to be happy...even though you have to work hard in order to feel happy!

    I am sorry you have to deal with depression. You be just who you are and everyone will and should adore you!

    We (bloggers)will always be here to listen to any and every thing you want to share!!!

    Big hugs!!!!

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  20. Thing is, you aren't alone. More than most realize are experiencing the same types of things. Personally that whole "go it alone" shit is just that....bullshit! If you had cancer would you try to cure yourself? Would you tell the hubs to fix his insulin issues? Of course not. Depression is very real, just like cancer and diabetes. Finding the right help will make all the difference. It is stupid to be suffering if you don't have too. Don't wait. You're worth getting some tools again to help fight it off.

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  21. I love you, Laura! And judging by the response these peeps love you too. There are a lot of people that love you in their own way. I don't have any magical cure for you or any great advise. What you need to knock yourself out of your big D is unique to you, I can only say find the little things that make you happy (even if it's something dorky).
    The best thing that has worked for me is hanging out with friend and family and having fun with them. My friends and I have a game night every so often, we call it our Bunco Night, although we don't always play Bunco. I played team volleyball for a while with the intention of having fun (and maybe to get some exercise). :) Hanging out with one of our pets was great. Ummm, well I can't think of anymore specific items right now but hope it gives you some ideas. I really hope I haven't said the wrong things.
    On another note, I am super excited about seeing everyone soon!!

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