Friday, January 25, 2013

Pregnancy - Week 4 (Dec 9-15)

----Here's the first post in my recap of what's been going on since I found out I'm 'with child'. Keep in mind I wrote this awhile ago, so it's going to be in past tense. Also, it's freaking long. Pull up a footstool and a drink, you're going to be here awhile. ----

Technically, this would be week 2, since the husband and I did the BOOM-BOOM two weeks ago. But, all the doctors and websites don’t count the actual BOOM-BOOM time, they start counting from the date of your last ‘present’ from that bitch Mother Nature. Whatevs.

So, I’m 4 weeks along. How do I know I’m ‘along’??? Well, let me tell you about the day I found out I’m going to be a baby mama. It was Dec. 13th, and I was violently shaking, super dilated eyes wide open, darting back and forth from the clock to the door like a cracked out fun-dip snorter patiently waiting for my husband to leave for work. It’s 6:15 in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink. FINALLY, he gets his ass out the door and I jump out of bed like my ass is on fire. I bolt to the bathroom and do my duty of peeing on a little pink and white stick.

Now the waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Yup, still waiting. Pacing the floor like a caged gorilla. Waiting some more. And FINALLY!!! It’s been the longest 3 minutes of my life.

There it was. So simple. Yet, so life changing. TWO PINK LINES!!!!! I’M PREGNANT!!!!

I immediately screamed and started jumping up and down like a crazed looney toon, the dog jumped up like someone jabbed his ass with a hot poker and came over with his tail wagging like it was some sort of psycho game I was playing.  Then I proceeded to find and fumble with my phone so I could text my besty Draz.

I was so amped up that I could barely type. I just wrote: I'M PREGNANT!!!!!
And she called me immediately after that.

Now, I can’t really tell you exactly what we said to each other, and I bet she doesn’t know either. All we did was scream gibberish, I was jumping up and down, and she was in her car trying not to drive off some Podunk road. It was glorious. Two females in high-pitched squealing mode on the phone for about 10 minutes. Neither one making any sense. Wyatt got so scared he tried to bury his body under the bed. Unfortunately only his head fit. That left his ass hanging out. It was quite the picture. Except I didn’t get one. Damn it.

The squealing ended and we got off the phone, promising to text/email/obsess later in the day. And I just stood there. Tearing up, looking at this little pee stick with 2 pink lines that said I was going to be a mama and Ryan was going to be a daddy and Wyatt was going to be a big brother. Wow.

Then I glanced at the clock, cursed life because I had 15 min to get ready for work and my hair was still a grease slick & my breath was definitely not extra fresh.

I can tell you, I didn’t do a damn thing that day. Well, except for scouring the interwebs for any and all references to ‘pregnant’. It was information overload, but in such a good way.

Now, you’re probably wondering about how I told Ryan. Remember I waited for him to go to work before I took the test? Well, I did that because I wanted to tell him a ‘special’ way. I just hadn’t figured that ‘special’ way out yet.

I then spent the better part of the rest of my day searching ‘how to tell your husband your preggars.’ There was some helpful stories, and then some completely cheesy bullshit. But I did finally get an idea on what I wanted to do.

First stop after work was Cabela’s, our foremost outfitter for anything and everything hunting, fishing, more hunting, stupid boy things, and shitloads of camo. What better way to tell Ryan than to incorporate one of his favorite hobbies! I’m such a badass wife.

I made my way to the shoe department and picked out the cutest little pair of camo hunting boots that I could find. They were adorable!!! And quite possibly the most expensive pair of shoes the kid will ever have in their life. Christ that shit’s pricey!

I then went home, wrapped it up in Christmas paper, and waited for my loving husband to get home.

And I waited.

And waited.

Still waiting.

About ready to fly out of my skin if he doesn’t get through the door in 2 minutes.

You see, Ryan had his company fish fry that night, so he was drinkin’ it up and shoving his face full of fish he caught a few days before. And here I was, sitting at home, waiting to tell him the most important news of our lives.

So I texted him. Which isn’t my style. I normally don’t give a hoot when he gets home, but in this instance I wanted to know when he left so I could set up the video camera and get everything ready.

Immediately he knew something was up. So I just told him I had a ‘surprise’ for him when he got home.

Which, he then proceeded to tell everyone (all males by the way) at work that he had to go because ‘his wife had a surprise for him’.
Awesome. Thank you Honey for now having everyone at your place of employment think I’m some kinky sex hound. My life is complete.
Anyways, he ended up getting home and ‘kinda’ figured out what might be going on during the drive, which wasn’t going to be any BOOM-BOOM time. He walks in the door and says, ‘Is it what I think it is?!?! IS IT?!?!’

And I’m all, ‘I don’t know, why don’t you not ruin my well-laid plan of telling you and sit your ass down in front of the camera so we can record this shit for years to come and embarrass our future child. Thank you.’

I gave him the wrapped gift and told him to open it. On the front of the box I had written:

And inside was the camo boots.

Are those not the cutest little things you've ever seen?!?!?!

Ryan kept asking if I was sure, so I whipped out the pee-stick and pointed to the 2 magic pink lines. Yup. Pretty sure buddy! We’re having a baby!!!!

We hugged, we kissed. And then we just sat looking at each other, soaking in the knowledge that we are going to be solely responsible for another human being in about 8 months. Holy Shitballs.
Here's the video, sounds a little off, but you get the idea:

I know this is already long as all Hell, but I want to do weekly updates so that I can track what I feel and how fat I get for the future, so there’s a little more reading to go. Maybe I can print it all out for a book for our kid when they’re older or something. I also write this for your pure entertainment, of course.

So, Week 4 I pretty much didn’t feel any different. I weighed my normal 150ish. But I did notice that I was hungry more often, which was perfect because it was the week before Christmas and I knew I’d be stuffing my face like the zombie apocalypse was happening. I also had some cramping, but it was minor. Very minor compared to the volcano that usually erupts in my uterus every month. The cramping was just the embryo attaching itself to my uterine wall, so no problems or anything.

But other than that, I felt fine. No morning sickness, no fatigue, just pure bliss. Ahhh, this is going to be a breeze……wait a minute. I can’t have any booze!!! CRAP!!! 9+ months without my trusty sidekick Mr. Budlight.  Well. This is a first. Ok, this is sad, but since I was about 16 I can’t think of a single time that I went without even a sip of beer for more than 2 weeks. This is going to be like a record or something. I should call Guiness. The book, not the booze. Shit, now I’m thinking about beer again.

This baby better appreciate the sacrifices I’m making for it. It better damn well appreciate it. And be the best baby in the world. And sleep through the night. And never fuss. And smile all the time. Yes, yes, this is how it should repay me. If life were sparkly rainbows and non-fat calorie-free chocolate filled puffy hearts. More likely I’ll be rewarded with a kid that is 12 times worse than I was. Which means I’ll probably be spending my 40th birthday in a padded cell. Oh joy.

Other than that, Ryan and I are super excited and talk about baby crap non-stop. I bought the book ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ and have been reading to Ryan the different stages of our pregnancy. I also made my first Dr. appt for Jan 10th. I can’t wait!!!!

Now I gotta figure out how to tell the parents!!!


  1. I LOVE This post!!! Love the video and Ryan's laugh in it!! ya'll are too sweet!!

    You will survive without the beer. I was a lot like you (just switch the Bud Light to Coors Light) and it wasn't so fun at first but that first beer after baby will be the best beer you've ever had!

    again, so excited for you!!


  2. Awwww!! So happy for you two. I also loved the video and of course Wyatt sitting patiently to see if there was anything in that present for him! Hee!!

  3. GIRL! I am SO out of the loop!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!! that's effing AWESOME!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. this just has to be the best post....I cried watching the video! Thank you so much for sharing...that was BEYOND AWESOME and I am so very excited for your guys!

  5. Girl - you're right! I have NO idea what I said on the phone that day. I was just trying to keep it on the road between my high-pitched screams!

  6. That is the cutest video ever. I love it! So happy seeing you both so happy. Congrats!!!


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