Thursday, December 11, 2014

Beauty is.........

I found this quote and became obsessed.
Miss Sophia really knows her shit.

Put your sweats on, this is long. But at the end is something that's the most amazing thing and I'm so proud to show y'all!!!!

I'm sure anyone and everyone that's decided to get on a journey of weight loss or healthification (it's a word) has heard the advice "Well, it starts on the inside. If you don't feel beautiful on the inside you won't feel beautiful on the outside." Yuh feel me peeps? Ya, that's right. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I'd heard it before. I even thought I knew what it meant. But for some reason my brain was so obsessed with fitting into my skinny jeans that I never really paid attention to what I was feeling on the inside. I mean, don't get me wrong, being that I suffer from depression, my inner demonbitches are constantly fighting. It's like sorority-sumo-chocolate-pudding-wrestling inside my soul on a daily basis. So i'm pretty in-tune.....most of the time....with my feelings. I ain't gonna to lie tho, I never, NEVER, thought about working on beautifying/healthifying my soul. Where's the conveyor belt of death for that shit, HUH?!?!

Well, things didn't start clicking for me until recently (need I remind you that I've been on this 'journey' for like 5 years). I've never been one to doll myself up on a regular basis. I mean, I work in a warehouse people. Where I get paint and ink and all sorts of chemicals all over myself. And then I go home, crawl right into my sweats and play with baby girl. What's the point, right? Might as well do the minimum, that way there's less to wash off at night. Or better yet, don't wear anything, that way I don't have to exert the enormous amount of energy to take 2 minutes out of my evening to wash my face before bed.

Then, one day things changed. A friend of mine told me to try this 'magic' mascara. It's supposed to look like you're wearing falsies, but it's just mascara. About as normal as what I would wear every day. So, I'm like, OK, whatevs, give it here. And.OH.MY.GIDDY.AUNT. It was amazing! I put it on and my eyelashes were sooooooooo long. I didn't even realize I had short eyelashes until I saw myself with uber glam lashes! It's funny, I felt instantly prettier, just by that.

So, of course I had to get my own. And actually, I ended up liking a lot of the other products that this company produces, so I thought what the hell, I'll just sign up and get a shitload of stuff, and if I sell some.....Great. If biggie.

Now, keep with me here, because it's not all about this make-up stuffigans.

Once I got some foundation, and new eye shadow, and lip gloss (that I actually freaking liked), I started getting all fussypants every day. I started waking up 20 minutes early just so I could play with how I wanted my eye shadow to look that day. Was I feeling Fierce???? Mmmm, maybe. Was I feeling Devious???? Hum, could be. I could be whatever I wanted!

All the sudden, I started noticing that it wasn't about what shade I put on my eyes, or what lip gloss I wore that day. It wasn't about the 'outside'. I actually started to feel pretty on the inside. What the whahhhhh????

That meant that I somehow felt 'ugly' on the inside before. Which is totally baffling to me, because, of course, I have my shit together people. All the time. Shit is together.

But if I'm now just feeling pretty on the inside, then that's proof that my shit is definitely not together. Or not as together as I thought.
Interesting dear Watson, Interesting.

I started walking around with a new confidence. I started to pay attention to what I wore. And what jewelry I chose. But even more than that. My whole attitude changed. Not towards other people.....well, maybe a little bit towards other people.....but really, my attitude with myself. Or towards myself. I actually, for the first time in probably my adult life, liked who I saw in the mirror. And not because of the make-up, or cloths, or jewelry. I really, truly liked the real me. The 'inside' me. Dare I saw the beautiful me???? I think so ladies and gents! Dolphin claps for me!

For some weird, twilightish, so-normal-for-me reason, a little mascara made me shine. It made me realize that I am beautiful. On the inside....and outside. No matter what my weight.

OH. Ya. My weight. Right.

Hold on to your shitter seats y'all.

Through this entire magnum revelation, I had been eating like a gopher training to be a super-hippo. Cupcakes??? Why not. Pizza????? Morning, noon, and night??? Bring it on. I gave less than 2 shits about what I was shoving in my face or why I was shoving it in my face. I ate it all people. Ate.It.All.

So here's the real mystery: How, if I was eating at my unhealthiness, weighing the most I have in 6 years, having less energy than a dead beat sloth, did I feel beautiful?????????????

Riddle me that shit Einstein.

For once it wasn't about my weight, or how I vaselined my Ben & Jerry's into my fat jeans every morning.

It was about....................what???? Happiness? Acceptance? Courage? Honesty? Realization?

Really, I think it was about all that. And more! It was about: Who gives an elephant's ass what I look like on the outside? How I 'appear' to other people? How I 'appear' to myself's obsession with society's image? How I have a little (or sometimes a lot) busted can of biscuits over my pants? None of that really matters. In the long run. I mean, we all know that. It's just hard to believe it. Or accept it. But for some reason, for me, it started with a little 'magic' mascara. And it grew. It grew to be a love for the inner me. The 'me' that really matters.

Once I realized this, it was like I was blinded by knowledge. Straight up walking on the face of the sun blinding.

My weight didn't matter.
My happiness with myself mattered.

And just like the magic mascara, I somehow got my shit together....finally....and started treating my body the way I felt on the inside. I wanted the outside to match! Genius!

And here's the results after 4 weeks:

Yup. Proud.
I am so proud.
I'm on track. Finally!
And that was almost a week ago. Just this morning I weighed myself, and I'm at 150.6!!!!!
That's pre-baby weight y'all!!!! Finally. 2 years later.

And besides realizing my beauty within, it had a lot to do with my diet and my training group (SHOUT OUT to Tamra, Kayla, and the Presidente of Pain.....Morgan!).
What's my diet you ask? Oh, you know. I eat air, with a side of celery, dipped in water.
Ya. It's rough.

Seriously, I just quit eating shit. I don't rely on food to get me through an emotional state. I don't gorge myself whenever I feel like it because I want to.
I eat when I'm hungry, and then, I only eat normal healthy food. No take out. No junk. No NUSSING!

Everyone wants to know 'the trick'. I don't think there is one. I think it's truly up to you. Decide what makes YOU feel beautiful...on the INSIDE! Seriously. Once you feel beautiful on the inside, no matter your weight or eating habits, you'll feel beautiful on the outside.

Now go forth and be beautiful!!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Soooooo, this happened.....

1. I only gained 2 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend. Mainly from booze. I'll take it! Damn that delicious eggnog, Damn You!!! And my Mother for buying it!!!

2. We left Dillybean with the grandparents last Saturday and Saturday night for much needed 'Adult Time'.....aka, going back to my college hometown and pretending I'm 22 and don't get hangovers. BTW, I'm not 22 and I totally still get hangovers. Just to let you know.

Anyways. About 2 hours into my parents watching Dillyn, I get a text.

And not just any text.

This text:


Yes, that's right.

My only child.....................practicing her bronc riding stance on a horse.


I leave her for 24 hours and this is what happens. *shakes my head*

Not only did she ride the horsey's, she liked the horsey's. Not afraid one bit.

I'm in such deep shit.

Then my Mother had the audacity to say, "Well, I know what I'm getting her for Christmas now!!!!" All cheerful and excited-like. I wanted to smack her upside the skull, and say, "Get your shit together Mother, you're not buying her a pony, for fucks sake."  But in reality, I just gave her the death-glare and said, "Um no. No pony's for Christmas." Of course, my Mother laughed her ass off and said, "Ohhhh, I wouldn't do that!!!"  Uh huh. Sure you wouldn't. If you do end up getting her a damn pony, I want you to know that I'm going to save up all that horse's shit and drop it on your doorstep at least 3 times a year. Just sayin'.

So, ya, Thanksgiving was awesome.

I drank all the calories and learned my daughter isn't even afraid of a 6 foot tall four legged beast that outweighs her by 1265 pounds. Super.Duper.Awesome.