Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I give Thanks for Shithouse Wine, Shotguns, and Excavators.

Nothing says Thanksgiving like walking into your mom's house the night before, and literally the first words out of her mouth are, "Laura, you gotta try this wine! It's cool beans!" Seriously, Mother, I haven't even put my bags down yet, but OK. And 'cool beans' went out with scrunchies in the 90s, mmkay? But for some reason, it sounds completely normal coming out of your cute mouth.

Back to the wine.....I try. I like. What is it, I ask. Just a simple little question. But gets the most epic response. Mom, "Well, I can never remember the name so I just walk in the liquor store and ask: 'Do you have that wine that's in a blue bottle, I can't remember the name, but its something like Shithouse?'"

Holy Jesus Mother.

Schlink Haus....Shithouse. Close enough in Jules World (Jules would be Julie, my one in a million mother, well except for her 4 sisters who act just like her).

Jules also broke the cleaning tradition this year. So sad. See, every year, Ryan and I show up Wed. night prepared to wake up at the turkeyasscrack of dawn to clean every inch of her huge house (because I love to clean my own house, why not clean someone else's too, just makes sense) and get ready for Thanksgiving.  This year.....nope. Didn't have to. It was like I was on vacation. Amazingness Do Nothing Vacation. Hardy (mom's bf) and Mom took off early and got damn near everything done before we got there. Yippeeeeeee, time to start the drunkfest earlier!

However on Thanksgiving morning, I did need to make my carmel apple cheesecake dip again. Since it was a raving hit at the work snack party.  And I had a little help form my new sous chef:
No Colt. No you don't.
And while I'm simply slaving away in the kitchen.....the boys are doing super duper important things:

Sighting in their rifles. Off the deck. Literally two steps off the dining room.
Sorry Wyatt, no birds.
Except for the ones in the oven.
And you can't have those.
On to the feast. We're all going to starve.
 And that's only one table. There was another one, plus the counter space. Glutony I tell ya.

The carving of the birds.
 And my brother in the background trying to figure out the microwave. The buttons are on the right Michael, no....your other right!
And leave it to my family to come up with this ingenious invention:
Nope. Not at all.
And Turkey Day was not complete until you line up 27 tables from dining room thru living room and into the entry way. That way everyone can sit together.
I'm proud to say this was my idea.
Don't hate.
Next up.....shotgun time baby. That's right. What would Thanksgiving be if not to shoot some fluorescent clay circle thingys out of the clear blue sky, just for pure amusement.

And I got to use my new gun. Look out, bad ass approaching....
Yes, bad ass indeed, with my little smile and my boot coozie.

There's the real bad ass. In a dress. Shooting.
I missed. A lot that day. Wasn't drunk enough, I suppose.

Loading the thrower thingy.
You do good work Hardy.
Venturing out to get all the unbroken clays. We couldn't shoot worth shit.
More like dog poo. It's fine.
But we sure did try our best.
And that's just from the first round.
And what do you do when you have loads of empty beer cans just laying around.....
Put them in a thrower and see how far they go. Why not.

And while we're on the subject of Hickville highlights, lets whip out the go cart.

Someone, and I'm not going to name names (uhheeemmmm, Little Brother), just couldn't hang.
And using the baby as an excuse to nap......nope, doesn't count.

But look at this little squishy cheeks a few hours later:
Dontcha just want to squeeze him?!?! Looks just like my brother. And acts like him too.
Lawd help us.

Later that night, when we're about 3 sheets to the wind, I decide that a trip to the casino is soooo in order. I mean, it's only about a mile from my Mom's house, why not? But who's going to drive......ummmm. That's when Mom pipes up and says, "Well, we've driven the 4-wheeler to the casino before." Nice, mother, nice.

We didn't end up making that glorious trip, but next time.....oh next time.

The following day we did a little hiking, a little napping, and Mom and Hardy did a little firewood cutting. Apparently my mother thinks that letting the fire dwindle to ash and throwing on logs and starting a new fire is for whimps. Lets just keep the fire burning for eternity. The devil would be comfortable, for sure.  Because of this completely sane logic, she needs to LOAD UP on firewood every fall.  And when I say LOAD UP, I mean LOOOOOAD UP.
Well, when you have an excavator just sitting around, twiddling it's thumbs, why not put it to good use to tear out a 75 year old tree and carry it to the log splitter.  Clearly, there's just no other way.

And finally, you know that old saying: 'like mother like daughter'. Well, not in this family. No sireeeee. It's more: 'like daughter like mother'.
If you note my profile pic, you'll get the drift.
Yes, mom, you are now just as coolpants as moi. Your welcome.

Nothing beats my family's Turkey Day. Absolutely nothing.

I am here.

I swear.

I have not evaporated into oblivion Hell.

It's just been batshit craziness in LauraBelle Land.

Thanksgiving was beyond words and when I do find something to describe it with I will share with y'all. Because I know you're just sitting on the edge of your rolly chairs waiting to hear about my psychopants life.
Let me just say there are things like Shithouse Wine and taking a 4 wheeler to the casino. And booze. And guns. And excavators. Normal. Well, and turkey and tators and stuffing and pie and all that.

And I became a sweat shop Mexican breakfast burrito maker person, but doing it in a room the size of a outhouse, all for my amazing, handsome, goingtobuymeprettyshinyexpensivethings husband. Because I am wife of the year. Where's my damn trophy?

Then some demon entered my body and made me pray to the Gods for a stomach transplant.  For like 3 days.
I will not admit to the flu.
It was demons.
Straight up demons.
(Demons Bonus: I did lose all the weight I gained from eating every high caloric food within reach, for 3 straight days, courtesy of Thanksgiving.)

I promise to elaborate.
Just keep your panties on.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Push hard and listen to Khloe.

Ughhhh. I woke up with a kink in my neck and it is driving me CrAzY!!!! Actually, now that I think about it, I didn’t wake up with it. It started right after my shower. Stupid neck muscles!!! Oh well.

Moving on.

Well, last weekend I didn’t do all that great on running or eating. I worked all day Sat. and to ‘treat’ myself I got a Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger and Fries. Stupidstupidstupid. Then on Sunday I felt like I was going to hurl all day, so I pretty much ate nothing. Ramen noodles and chicken bouillon. Nutritional. I don’t know what the deal-ee-o was. I felt fine in the morning, then throughout the day, I just felt more and more like a flat, stinky cow patty.  So, no runny-runny all weekend.

BUT! I did go run last night and guess what?????

No seriously, guess!

Did you guess yet?

Well, didgya?

Here it is:

I ran 3 miles in my best time evah! 30:10!!! Woop Woop!!!!

So, there I was, truckin’ along on the treadmill, about ½ mile in and my legs aren’t feeling worth a pinch of coon shit. I’m dying. Seriously. The whole time I’m thinking, “Christ legs, get it together, this is not your first rodeo!”
Pretty much was expecting this to happen at any moment:

So, I made a deal with myself, if I could just get to 1.5 miles, then I could take a break.

Well, the more and more I thought about it, I got pissed at my pathetic lazy legs. I just ran 2 miles straight last week! I mean, it wasn’t pretty, but I got the job done. So why, just 3 days later I seem to be moving slower than turtle on valium??!!

Well, I said SCREW YOU legs and pounded out the 1.5 miles like a champ.  My legs were tired, shaky and just plain not cooperating. But that didn’t stop me! I knew I had more in me. I concentrated on my breathing. And Khloe K & Lamar on the little screen. Because what better motivators are there than those two.
Thanks Khloe.
I kept thinking, 'you can make it 2 miles, you can make it 2 miles’. So there I was, pumping away, sweat pouring outta me, my lungs feeling like crispy bacon (damn, now I want bacon),  trying my best not to face plant the conveyor belt of death, and the magic number appears …..AHHHHHHHaaaaaAAAAAAA…….

2.00 miles.

Then my damn brain starts thinking again, ‘Why stop now? You’re training for a 10K and you wanna stop at 2 miles?! Get your shit together woman!’

I listened (don't know why, but I did) and plow on.

2.25 miles………

2.5 miles………

My legs start feeling better, the air in my lungs is abundant and strong……I can do this!


Almost there, almost there. You can do it. MOVE YOUR AMPLE POOPER!!!


YES! Thank you Lawd! I made it!

But I kept going…….because, clearly I’m delusional at this point and am not thinking in my right mind……

3.12……a 5K…..Finished.

At that point, if my legs didn’t feel like they’d collapse under me at a moment’s notice, I would have done cartwheels. Well, and if I knew that I could actually do a cartwheel without slamming my body into #1 the other equipment, or #2 that nice lady that is on the treadmill next to me, I would have.

It was fantastic. Just fantastic.

And I’m so proud of myself for pushing so hard. Made me realize that I can do it, if I try hard enough.

Oh, one last thing, remember the liar post on Sat.? I mean, how could you forget, but I just wanted to let you all know that everything is starting to work out. The person that lied to me and about me got an ass chewing, the people that matter the most knew the correct truth, and I’ve put it all behind me. Not worth the energy!
 (And to my new followers, sorry you had to read such a poopy post! Just go back a ways and you’ll find some real good ditties, that are sooo less depressingpants, I promise!)

No run tonight, as my neck feels stiffer than a teenager at $1 night in a strip club. But tomorrow morning!!! Me and the lovely Beth Ann are kicking the sunrise’s ass!!!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Why? Why do you lie?

What in the name of Satan's balls makes people lie? I mean, really? And I'm not talking about little white lies. Or adding a little embellishment to a story (which Ryan will tell you, sometimes I might do.) I'm talking about the full blown, big ol', Texas sized lies that people tell about other people, or that people tell to other people.

I just don't understand.

I despise liars. Truly. Maybe more than some people. I know everyone hates lying. But I REALLY hate lying.

I grew up in lies. Basically, the first part of my life was all lies. Told by someone close to me. It had a significant impact on my life.  It was horrible. It was nearly unforgivable. 

I think because of that, actually it IS because of that, I have such a hatred of people that lie.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have trust issues because of my upbringing.  My mom and Ryan will tell you that I freely give out my trust to just about anyone. I'll give my full trust to some Joe Blow off the street trying to tell me that unicorns fart dollar bills. It's fine.

It's when I find out that Joe Blow is a liar that things change.  The moment, the instant, that I find out I've been told a lie, or that someone has told a lie about me......things get fugly. Down right shank a bitch fugly.

Once I find out, that person no longer has my respect, my trust, or my friendship.  And, that person should know, once you lose those things, they very rarely come back.  I rarely forgive. And if do happen to have some come to Jesus moment and find the courage to forgive, that person will still spend the rest of their life trying to earn my respect, trust and friendship back.  Basically they would have to walk nekkid over 234 miles of fiery coals, laced with glass shards, holding 18 cender blocks, while a Satanistic midget whips the shit out of them with barb wire to gain my trust back.  Too harsh??? I think not.

Which brings me back to my original question: Why would you lie?  Why would you jeopardize so much to make yourself 'look' better?

I just can NOT comprehend.

Sorry. I just had a really bad day where someone lied about me. And to me. More than once. In an 8 hour period. Fucking prick.

No, it's not any of my family or friends. They know better. And are better people than that. It's.....just someone else.

And what makes it worse is that I can't do anything about it. Normally, I would confront the person, right away. And hash it out.  But in this instance, I can't.  I would be putting another, innocent, person at risk.  And I won't, don't, do that.

So I have to live with it.  See that person almost every day and pretend that everything is sparkle-stars and sunshine-hearts.

Just makes me hate them even more.

But I'll deal. Because I'm a bigger and better person. I will not show them that their incredibly stupid existence keeps me awake at night. Because it shouldn't. They are not worth the time or the energy.

I will deal.
I will let this go.
I will move on.
And will be the sarcastic, gorgeous (woops, did I type that?), and Mary Spanking Awesome Sunshine that y'all know and love.

Besides, Mr. Hotpants Timberlake is singing SexyBack on my Pandora right now and that song just makes you want to be in a better mood. And shake it like a pole dancer.

Thanks for listening.

Friday, November 18, 2011

What up now Gluttony?!

 Ok, I lied earlier, I do have more than one Thanksgiving to go to this year's.

Oh yes, my lovely place of employment goes all out and caters in a gianormous Thanksgiving feast for all of humanity to dive head first into the Deadly Sin......Gluttony.

First of all, most of us have about 849 FAMILY Thanksgivings to go to every year. So why, WHY, would you torture us with another meal of turkey and tators???? I just don't understand. It almost ruins the real Thanksgiving because it'll always be your second turkey dinner. It's just not right. Not right at all.

Moving on.

Second, it just tempts little ol' me to want to mow down a wheel barrow of mashed potatoes, followed by beer-bonging a vat of gravy. (For those of you that don't know, beer-bonging is pouring a full beer into a funnel with a hose attached, then you have to chug out of the other end of the hose as fast as you can with it all raised high above your noggin'. But I've never done one of those. Ever.)


So, today is the previously mentioned gluttonyfest, and I would just like to point out that yours truly.....the wonderful and smart and beautiful and funny and talented me..... found that elusive ho-bag Self Control hiding under the desk, drug her skinny ass out, and promptly made her my bitch.  I filled my plate with turkey, grabbed a serving of mashed taters about the size of mosquito balls, topped it with a smidgen of gravy, and added an overflowing bowl of salad. That's right. What up now Gluttony?! I abstained from stuffing, the wheel barrow of mashed potatoes, jello fluff goodiness, buttery rolls, and....AND.....sugar cookies with orange frosting PLUS a side of carrot cake cupcakes topped with cream cheese frosting.

It's ok.
You may bow down to me.

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for another installment of BYOC from the Darling Draz! That’s Bring Your Own Crazy!! We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire – and ENJOY!

She's doing a Thanksgiving themed BYOC this week (it was Jenny’s idea)!

1. What is your FAVORITE part of Thanksgiving?

All of it. Seriously. I love all the family. All the food. All the talking, laughing, joke telling, smart asses being smart asses, feeling like your gonna pass out from so much turkey and booze, so you do, in the middle of the living room floor and people have to step over you all day......oh wait, that doesn't happen at y'all's Thanksgiving? Weird.

2. How many Thanksgiving family events will you attend?

Uno. Yup, every year is the same. Always at my mama's house.

3. What’s your biggest Thanksgiving tradition?

Drinking a full box of wine.....can that be one? Because we're classy people and wine in a box is the only way to go.

We used to deep fry turkeys every year, but that stopped a few years ago.

Oh, Oh, OH, I got it: This year we're having that clay shoot again! It's only been going on for about 3 years, but that's a tradition, right?  I mean, what brainiac decided to give me a box of wine and a loaded shotgun? Oh yeah, that'd be my husband. (And just so you know, I shot 7 out of 8 clays last year. Beat all the boys. Winner Winner Turkey Dinner!)

4. Do you Black Friday shop the day after Thanksgiving?

That's a negative Ghost Rider, the pattern is full. 

I can't stand crowds. Strange people. Touching me. ::::shudder::::

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog world.

Real Life: Sparkle-tastic!!! I got up again this morning and ran!! Thank you, thank you very much. And last night I ran and did my little ab workout, that I talked about yesterday.  It was good. It felt good. Except when Ryan was trying to have a conversation with me as I'm sucking in my beergut, trying to concentrate on breathing and trying not to pass out from the muscle-spasm-induced pain. That part did not feel good. 

All in all I ran 4 times and worked out my abs once so far this week and I still have two days left! This second week of my 7 week fat-tervention is going just swimmingly.

Blog life: I'm finally able to catch up and have a few spare moments to actually comment. Not on everyone's but I'm trying.  Bare with me.

Peace out homies!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ten Things Thursday

Good Thursday Morning Starsparkles!!!

1.  I went to bed last night at 9pm and woke up at 5:45am. That's almost 9 hours of sleep! What in the world. I was really tired yesterday afternoon and evening, which was odd. But I think I know why.....yesterday was snack day at work. And I may have had a small lagoon of nacho cheese and a mountainous plate of tortilla chips. Don't judge. I really do think plowing through some crap food yesterday really took a toll on my body. Huh.

2.  I have a little confession to make. Just a teeny one. I have been smoking lately. Well, for awhile now. Bad Laura, bad! It's been really hard to get back into exercising, eating right, trying to cut down the beerage; I just needed something to keep me out of a straight jacket. BUT! As of 7:30am this morning.....I am quitting. For good.  I had my last one and was just thinking, this is ridiculous, I want to be healthy, so why am I doing this???? Stephanie, I may need your will power. Could you lend a little to me pleeaaaasssseeeeeee?

3.  I have also made another discovery......I treat crap food......because I exercise.....kind of unconsciously.  I mean, I know what I'm putting in my mouth, but for some reason I justify it because I'm running again. WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE???!!! As example, last week I started my 7 Week Fat-tervention and during that week (Monday thru Friday) ate really healthy, only had one beer, and ran twice.  I went from 159 to 151.something in 5 days. Good, great, fantastic.  Now I know a lot of that was water weight, but clearly the diet/exercise was workingThis week......I've eaten ok, snacked on junk all day yesterday, had 4 beers on Tuesday, and have run twice...........I'm up to 156.2. HEEELLLLLOOOOOOO! Wake up Laura. You can.not.cheat on this lifestyle change.

Please. God.
4.  I was on Pinterest again. Yes, yes, I have a problem. I am aware. But refuse to do anything about it, mmmkay?  Anyways.  I found this ab workout from Prevention magazine and think I'm going to give it a whirl. The site boasts that you'll lose inches and pounds, but that's not what I'm after exactly. Well, it is, but I doubt it'll happen in 7 days. I just think this will be a good 7 day ab strengthening workout. Here it is:
The ab workouts are 3 sets of 4 different moves. 1. Hipless Crunch 2. No-Hands Reverse Crunch 3. V Crunch & 4. Side Plank

The site gives you details on how to perform the moves and tips on how to get the most out of your workout. And I like how they incorporate cardio into this, so I can get my run-run in. And I'm not going to wait till Monday, I'm actually starting it tonight, that way I can get it in before Thanksgiving.

5.  Holy feathered turkey balls......THANKSGIVING IS NEAR!!!!  I'm traveling to my mom's, which we've done every year since Mike and Mom got married. Thanksgiving was Mike's baby. He loved it when family and friends got together at their house and had fun, talked, drank,'s awesome. This year is a little disappointing, as Mike's extended family decided not to join us, but we'll have some of mom's side of the family, Ryan's family and other friends that will be joining us. There WILL be a clay shoot, you know, where they throw those little discs in the air and people shoot at them. It's a country thing.  Anyway, I think I get to use my new gun!
What are your Turkey Day plans? Traveling? Not traveling?

6.  I've decided to get back into logging my food. Strictly because of the ups and downs of my weight the last few weeks, I need to actually see what I'm doing to myself. I mean, I know the junk is causing the gain, but I really want to see what it's doing to my weight, like on a graph or something. I'm a visual person, I retain more if I see pretty pictures. So logged back into and am starting today.  My name is laurabelle25, for all you that are on there. (I know Vicky is, and some others, so please find me!)

7. Today is going to be a great day. I can feel it. Can't you??? Don't know why I got all chipperpants all the sudden, but I'm going with it.

 8.   We had our first real frost last night. Winter is officially upon us. Farts.  And today is supposed to be a high of 50, but the weather man said that he will be surprised if it gets to 40. Why the F-bomb didn't you just say the high is 40 moron??? And it's supposed to be 30 mph winds. Double farts.

9.  You all know the benefits of drinking water, so I'm not going to preach. But, I drank more than 120 ounces of water yesterday! It felt great. And water's been my primary drink of choice for the last few months. Occasionally I'll have a soda, last weekend I had two half cups of coffee, but mainly I drink water and water only.  And can I just tell you that my skin feels grrrreat! (Channeling a little Tony the Tiger there.) So drink your water!!!
Put the Mt. Dew down. (Draz!)

10.  And finally, I have found another obsession (Yes Dawyna, I know, I know, I don't need any more, I just can't help it). It's called ..............................................TJ Maxx.
Looky Looky:

Cute, right?! Right?! I love it. LOOOVE it!
And it's only 2 blocks from work.
Danger Will Robinson Danger.

Alrighty, I better get back to work.
Have a sunshiney day everyone!!!