Thursday, December 11, 2014

Beauty is.........

I found this quote and became obsessed.
Miss Sophia really knows her shit.

Put your sweats on, this is long. But at the end is something that's the most amazing thing and I'm so proud to show y'all!!!!

I'm sure anyone and everyone that's decided to get on a journey of weight loss or healthification (it's a word) has heard the advice "Well, it starts on the inside. If you don't feel beautiful on the inside you won't feel beautiful on the outside." Yuh feel me peeps? Ya, that's right. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I'd heard it before. I even thought I knew what it meant. But for some reason my brain was so obsessed with fitting into my skinny jeans that I never really paid attention to what I was feeling on the inside. I mean, don't get me wrong, being that I suffer from depression, my inner demonbitches are constantly fighting. It's like sorority-sumo-chocolate-pudding-wrestling inside my soul on a daily basis. So i'm pretty in-tune.....most of the time....with my feelings. I ain't gonna to lie tho, I never, NEVER, thought about working on beautifying/healthifying my soul. Where's the conveyor belt of death for that shit, HUH?!?!

Well, things didn't start clicking for me until recently (need I remind you that I've been on this 'journey' for like 5 years). I've never been one to doll myself up on a regular basis. I mean, I work in a warehouse people. Where I get paint and ink and all sorts of chemicals all over myself. And then I go home, crawl right into my sweats and play with baby girl. What's the point, right? Might as well do the minimum, that way there's less to wash off at night. Or better yet, don't wear anything, that way I don't have to exert the enormous amount of energy to take 2 minutes out of my evening to wash my face before bed.

Then, one day things changed. A friend of mine told me to try this 'magic' mascara. It's supposed to look like you're wearing falsies, but it's just mascara. About as normal as what I would wear every day. So, I'm like, OK, whatevs, give it here. And.OH.MY.GIDDY.AUNT. It was amazing! I put it on and my eyelashes were sooooooooo long. I didn't even realize I had short eyelashes until I saw myself with uber glam lashes! It's funny, I felt instantly prettier, just by that.

So, of course I had to get my own. And actually, I ended up liking a lot of the other products that this company produces, so I thought what the hell, I'll just sign up and get a shitload of stuff, and if I sell some.....Great. If biggie.

Now, keep with me here, because it's not all about this make-up stuffigans.

Once I got some foundation, and new eye shadow, and lip gloss (that I actually freaking liked), I started getting all fussypants every day. I started waking up 20 minutes early just so I could play with how I wanted my eye shadow to look that day. Was I feeling Fierce???? Mmmm, maybe. Was I feeling Devious???? Hum, could be. I could be whatever I wanted!

All the sudden, I started noticing that it wasn't about what shade I put on my eyes, or what lip gloss I wore that day. It wasn't about the 'outside'. I actually started to feel pretty on the inside. What the whahhhhh????

That meant that I somehow felt 'ugly' on the inside before. Which is totally baffling to me, because, of course, I have my shit together people. All the time. Shit is together.

But if I'm now just feeling pretty on the inside, then that's proof that my shit is definitely not together. Or not as together as I thought.
Interesting dear Watson, Interesting.

I started walking around with a new confidence. I started to pay attention to what I wore. And what jewelry I chose. But even more than that. My whole attitude changed. Not towards other people.....well, maybe a little bit towards other people.....but really, my attitude with myself. Or towards myself. I actually, for the first time in probably my adult life, liked who I saw in the mirror. And not because of the make-up, or cloths, or jewelry. I really, truly liked the real me. The 'inside' me. Dare I saw the beautiful me???? I think so ladies and gents! Dolphin claps for me!

For some weird, twilightish, so-normal-for-me reason, a little mascara made me shine. It made me realize that I am beautiful. On the inside....and outside. No matter what my weight.

OH. Ya. My weight. Right.

Hold on to your shitter seats y'all.

Through this entire magnum revelation, I had been eating like a gopher training to be a super-hippo. Cupcakes??? Why not. Pizza????? Morning, noon, and night??? Bring it on. I gave less than 2 shits about what I was shoving in my face or why I was shoving it in my face. I ate it all people. Ate.It.All.

So here's the real mystery: How, if I was eating at my unhealthiness, weighing the most I have in 6 years, having less energy than a dead beat sloth, did I feel beautiful?????????????

Riddle me that shit Einstein.

For once it wasn't about my weight, or how I vaselined my Ben & Jerry's into my fat jeans every morning.

It was about....................what???? Happiness? Acceptance? Courage? Honesty? Realization?

Really, I think it was about all that. And more! It was about: Who gives an elephant's ass what I look like on the outside? How I 'appear' to other people? How I 'appear' to myself's obsession with society's image? How I have a little (or sometimes a lot) busted can of biscuits over my pants? None of that really matters. In the long run. I mean, we all know that. It's just hard to believe it. Or accept it. But for some reason, for me, it started with a little 'magic' mascara. And it grew. It grew to be a love for the inner me. The 'me' that really matters.

Once I realized this, it was like I was blinded by knowledge. Straight up walking on the face of the sun blinding.

My weight didn't matter.
My happiness with myself mattered.

And just like the magic mascara, I somehow got my shit together....finally....and started treating my body the way I felt on the inside. I wanted the outside to match! Genius!

And here's the results after 4 weeks:

Yup. Proud.
I am so proud.
I'm on track. Finally!
And that was almost a week ago. Just this morning I weighed myself, and I'm at 150.6!!!!!
That's pre-baby weight y'all!!!! Finally. 2 years later.

And besides realizing my beauty within, it had a lot to do with my diet and my training group (SHOUT OUT to Tamra, Kayla, and the Presidente of Pain.....Morgan!).
What's my diet you ask? Oh, you know. I eat air, with a side of celery, dipped in water.
Ya. It's rough.

Seriously, I just quit eating shit. I don't rely on food to get me through an emotional state. I don't gorge myself whenever I feel like it because I want to.
I eat when I'm hungry, and then, I only eat normal healthy food. No take out. No junk. No NUSSING!

Everyone wants to know 'the trick'. I don't think there is one. I think it's truly up to you. Decide what makes YOU feel beautiful...on the INSIDE! Seriously. Once you feel beautiful on the inside, no matter your weight or eating habits, you'll feel beautiful on the outside.

Now go forth and be beautiful!!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Soooooo, this happened.....

1. I only gained 2 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend. Mainly from booze. I'll take it! Damn that delicious eggnog, Damn You!!! And my Mother for buying it!!!

2. We left Dillybean with the grandparents last Saturday and Saturday night for much needed 'Adult Time'.....aka, going back to my college hometown and pretending I'm 22 and don't get hangovers. BTW, I'm not 22 and I totally still get hangovers. Just to let you know.

Anyways. About 2 hours into my parents watching Dillyn, I get a text.

And not just any text.

This text:


Yes, that's right.

My only child.....................practicing her bronc riding stance on a horse.


I leave her for 24 hours and this is what happens. *shakes my head*

Not only did she ride the horsey's, she liked the horsey's. Not afraid one bit.

I'm in such deep shit.

Then my Mother had the audacity to say, "Well, I know what I'm getting her for Christmas now!!!!" All cheerful and excited-like. I wanted to smack her upside the skull, and say, "Get your shit together Mother, you're not buying her a pony, for fucks sake."  But in reality, I just gave her the death-glare and said, "Um no. No pony's for Christmas." Of course, my Mother laughed her ass off and said, "Ohhhh, I wouldn't do that!!!"  Uh huh. Sure you wouldn't. If you do end up getting her a damn pony, I want you to know that I'm going to save up all that horse's shit and drop it on your doorstep at least 3 times a year. Just sayin'.

So, ya, Thanksgiving was awesome.

I drank all the calories and learned my daughter isn't even afraid of a 6 foot tall four legged beast that outweighs her by 1265 pounds. Super.Duper.Awesome.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

It's been awhile.....

Well, hello there blogosphere, my blogpeeps, and interwebs! It tis I, the LauraBelle, the LB, the one who hath abstainith from Blogland for ENTIRELY too long.

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I know. You missed me.

But life has taken over. And by life I mean this chubby cheeked sassypants:
She was Boo from Monster's Inc for Halloween. Twinkies!!

Already taking our own selfies. Lord help me.

First 'big girl' pony tail. 
Ya. I did good on making her. I know. lol. Dillyn is truly the best thing I've ever done. And she's such a good baby!!! I lucked out. Seriously. But I know the 'next one' will probably be a holy terror. There's no way in Hell that I have a good dog and a good baby and will luck out with another good child. Life just isn't that sweet. It actually sucks donkey balls most of the time. So, ya, I'm not looking forward to that shenanigans. **Let me be clear....I'm not pregnant. Nor will be getting pregnant for awhile.....Mother**

In other news......I've pretty much been doing the normal, day to day crap. Like work. Which blows. But what can you do.

Oh, and I've eaten cupcakes every fucking day for like a year. And then there was pizza. And burritos.
And assloads of soda. And another cupcake or 12.
Just fucking shoot me.

I can't stop! Seriously! I just have no willpower to stop putting junk in my piehole. Yummm, pie. Damn it. No! Ok, it's really out of control. I haven't gained a whole lot of weight really, I'm hanging steady at about 163ish, depending on how the flat chested bitch from Sca(Hell)ville decides to react. [Did ya get that?!?! I put hell in scale! I'm a genius. Don't hate.]

I just feel horrible. Just horrible. It didn't help that I changed depression meds and they pretty much made me go cray cray. Well, not purple-straight-jacket-crazy, but definitely pretty sadpants looneytoons.
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It was the worst. I wanted to eat my feelings away, drown myself in Mt. Dew, and crawl under the bed and not come out unless someone gave me a (you guessed it) cupcake. BUT! Luckily I realized what was going on and went to a nurse practitioner at my therapists office and she put me back on zoloft, but just upped the dosage. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
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It really is. Magical. Really.

And it's only been a week!

I've already started eating better. Granted it's only been a few days, but I haven't so much as sniffed a snackcake. Dolphin claps for me! Bonus is I signed up for a trainer at our local Y and she's the I went in with my friend Tamra and another girl that we met, who's just as badass as we are, and we go once a week. I want to start going to the gym at least 3 times a week. Or at least working out 3 times a week, whether that's at home or the gym. Starting next week.
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Damn skippy!

I mean, Dillyn is 15 months old. 15 MONTHS! And I haven't done shit but eat my way thru a Little Debbie factory.

What's ironic is I only feed Dillyn whole, organic, clean food. Rarely does she get anything that's processed. And the only time she's had sugar or chocolate was on her birthday. I know, right!!! If I can do that for her, why the Hell can't I do it for myself! And for Ryan!

So in true LauraBelle fashion, I'm starting over. Again. It's not about how many times you fall down, right? It's about getting back up again and slamming my fist into Mr. Unhealthy Habit's crotch. I want my daughter to grow up with healthy habits, and she's going to lead by it's time to shape up or ship out. BOOOOYAAAAAHHHHH.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Ten Things Thursday

Another day of the most unrelated subjects that my cray cray brain can think of. Cause that's the way I roll.

1.  I've been doing a lot of gardening lately. Both in the veggie and flower gardens. The veggie garden is fully in and thriving. Well, actually, part of it isn't thriving. All my (8!) tomato plants and (5!) pepper plants bit the dust. Literally. Those bastards.

Apparently, the free manure I put in wasn't composted all the way and burned up the roots. I just hate it when shit is too hot.

But everything else is going berzerk! My squash and zucchini (total 4) plants are HUGE. My (8) cucumber plants are about ready to be led up their trellis (I like to grow mine 'up' at an angle, keeps them off the ground and gives you more room in the garden). The (9) strawberries are doing awesome. I don't know if I'll have berries this year or not. We'll see!  And my ocra, onions, carrots, radishes, and MORE are loving life! I've had lettuce and herbs up for a few weeks and I love it!

However. What I don't love is how pretty I look when I get done tending to my babies.

I did leave a little dirt on the ground.
 I'll post pics of the veggies later, but here's a pic of the little pots I put at the end of our driveway:

Ain't they purty?!
I just love all the rustic and old pots!!! That's all I use. Mostly. I have a few clay pots, but generally most of my pots are old buckets, or pans, or whatever!

2. I've kept up with my 3 30-day challenges!!!!
I love it when hotties approve.

But to be honest, I haven't been perfect.
I know.

I completely forgot to do them on Friday, Sat. and Sun.

I blame the mommy-brain-from-fuck-you-Forgetfulville. Seriously. Friday, I was on my way home. In the car. Thinking, I HAVE to do my exercises when I get home. I NEED to do them the MINUTE I park my jeep, grab my purse, baby bag, groceries, water bottle, extra sweatshirt that's been in my car for months, mail, and whatever else I can brake my shoulder off carrying, then haul baby and said crap in the house, unload baby from the car seat, put her down with some toys, go back to unloading the crap from my arms, remember I forgot something, run back to the jeep, come back in and baby needs food, put her in the high chair, cut up fruit, throw cheerios in her direction, notice the dog is doing the potty dance at the door, let him out, baby needs her sippy cup, mommy needs a sippy cup.....of BOOZE, change clothes, baby's done eating, put her on the floor, dog wants in because it's hotter than the surface of the sun outside, I finally sit down, and oh wait.......what was I going to do 
Drown myself in alcohol because that's what mommy's do.

See how I can forget to buckle my bra and walk out of the house with the girls a-swingin'? Let alone remember to do 40 crunches, 84 squats, and 1000 push-ups right when I get home?

So, the rest of the weekend pretty much went the same. I thought about doing my work outs multiple times! Swear! But by the time I got done doing blah, blah, blahbity blah, I had forgotten and already had a beer in my hand.

Ryan finally said something Tuesday to the effect of, "Ummmmm are you still doing your challenges????"


Yes. Yes I am. And then I plopped down and did them right then and there.

And I've been doing two-a-days since then to catch up.

My abs feel amazing btw. And so does my ass.
I love two-a-days.

Basically I'm on day 8. Which I'll do tonight. (Already did day 7 this morning). And then I should be generally caught up.

3. Someone woke up from a nap with some serious bed-head the other day.

She wasn't too happy with me for sitting her up to take an embarrassing picture of her rats nest.

So I laid her back down.
Much better.
And her hair looked even more fantastic.

4.  I was running late-ish this morning and didn't have time to pack my lunch.
I was really wanting taco shop.
Which is basically a gut-bomb fast food mexican place that is irresistible.

I opted instead for a salad from the grocery store. With lite dressing. And I only ate half. (Because they fool you with what looks like a 'small' container, but after you fill it up with all your veggies, it weighs about the same as a baby elephant. Tricky Tricky.)


5.  I have had cold sores on my face for 3 months now. 3 FUCKING MONTHS.

I'm tired of this shit.

They may not look too bad in the photo, but they are. They basically look like 6 bright red clown noses attached to my face.

It's bullshit I tell you.

I've tried everything from pills, to creams, to essential oils (lavender and thieves), to taking extra vitamins to boost my immune system, EVERYTHING! Nothing is working.
Which reminds me, my damn doctor was supposed to get me referral info for a dermatologist 3 days ago.

Well, just made an appt at the derm. Guess I'm going to have this shit on my face for the next 4 weeks, because the soonest they could get me in is JULY.

6. I'm going on an adult, girls only, trip/concert tomorrow!!!! WHAT?!?! No baby. No husband. I don't even know how to react to this. Just me and my buddy, Emily. We're hitting the road and going up to Manhappiness to see her favorite band The Wailin' Jenny's.

I haven't really listened to them much. But I've been spotify-ing the crap out of them this afternoon and I'm diggin' them!!!!

However, they're playing outdoors at the city park. Which is cool and all..............except you can't drink or buy booze.
Oh the horror.

So, I'm pretty sure this is going to happen.

7.  I love summer and the beautiful sunsets!

We sat outside last Friday night and it was gorgeous!
Someone really enjoyed it.


Remember how  I made my homemade laundry and dish washer soap (LINK, #9)????
Well, the laundry soap is still working out pretty good. I mean, it gets the clothes clean, but if there's any really caked on mud or stains I've still gotta use OxiClean spray before I wash it.

The dish washer soap on the other hand is a big fail. *sadface*
It worked for the first few washes, but now the dishes aren't so Mr. Clean Clean.

BUT! I did make my own chocolate syrup!!!! And it ROCKS!

Homemade Chocolate Syrup

  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Hershey's)
  • 1 cup water
  • dash of salt
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla
In a small saucepan, add sugar, cocoa, and salt.  Whisk together gently.  Add water.  Bring mixture to a boil, stirring occasionally.  Reduce heat and cook 1 minute.  Remove from heat and add vanilla.  Cool.  Store in the refrigerator.
It's a little more runny than the store bought stuff, but tastes EXACTLY the same. I ended up just putting it in an old Hershey's bottle, so it works perfect!

Seriously. Never buy that store crap again. This stuff is amazeballs!

9. BTW

Just in case you were wondering.



Thursday, May 29, 2014

2 days down......28 to go.

I've made it a whole 2 days on my 30 Day Challenges!!!!!!!

And as a bonus, I'm actually doing THREE 30 day challenges! Because if my ass, thighs, and arms are going to be hella sore, why not have my abs be unbearable too?

So the 3 I'm doing are:


It's actually really doable, I think. I mean, if I'm going to be doing something, I might as well add the abs too. Best part about these challenges is I don't feel like I'm working out. I mean, I don't feel the need to go to the gym, or carve out 47,000 seconds to get a work out in. I just plop down and do them whenever and where ever! And it's different every day!
Me likey likey new things every day.

Another win for me? I passed up a sweettarts basket. Not that I would have taken the entire basket.....well, maybe I would have.........but I could have taken one or two and been ok with it, but I just opted not to.
Go me times 2!

I've decided that it's not about what I want to look like, or about looking like actress so-and-so on TV, or exercising so much a week. It's about how you FEEL.

I feel like crap. The last two days of being active and eating fairly decent have made me feel all giddypants excited! Am I 100% perfect? Hell to the no. Do I want to be 100% perfect? Fo'Shizzle NO. Why set those standards for yourself, especially when (for me) I'm just never going to live up to them?

I also like the fact that since I can do this anywhere and everywhere, that there's really no excuse to not do it. If I had to go to the gym, you know i'd find an reason not to go. I signed Dillyn up for another round of swim lessons for the next four weeks, so at least 1 night a week I'll have to be at the gym, so I will probably get my ass on the conveyor belt of death. That's enough for me. For now.

No more pushing myself to do this or do that. Or looking in the mirror and hating myself because I couldn't muster the energy to even put my big toe in tennis shoes and *god forbid* get in the car and drive 5 miles. That's the worst; the utter guilt I feel when I don't do something I planned on doing. It just makes me not want to do it more. Or makes me not want to set any goals, so when I break them, I won't feel like a loser. This way, I'm just playing it by ear, no real plan, no real agenda. If I eat good......good. If I make it to the gym once a week......good. If not, oh well. I'll make it up in the yard, or endless cleaning that comes with being a mom, or maybe even not at all. I'm OK with all of it!

I also haven't even weighed myself.
And I don't plan on stepping on that flat chested bitch for awhile.
Who gives donkey turds what that number is?
Its about how you feel!!!

I'm going to go home tonight, do Day 3 of all challenges, cook some chicken and play with my baby.

That's how I roll.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Memorial Day 2014

Since I'm in a good ol' writing mood, I thought I would recap my Memorial Weekend.......for your pure enjoyment, of course.

Do you know how difficult it is to pack for a itty bitty 9 month old for 4 days, in a place that has no laundry, no Wal-Mart, and a grocery store that doesn't even carry Miralax?????

It's about as difficult as my T-Rex ass fitting into a size Barbie bikini bottoms and looking good.

But if anyone is up to the challenge, it's this girl!!!

Off we went, with as much stuff rolled, wadded, crunched, and shoved into every little compartment in the Jeep as I could muster. I mean, we had a high chair, blankets, toys (oh sweet baby Jesus, the toys), towels, food, water, formula, bottles, sippy cups, zanax.....oh wait, that was for me......., prune juice, pear juice, floaties, books, chairs, clothes, clothes, and more clothes. Oh, and the dog. That does not include Ryan and I's stuff. Ya. It's amazing.

I mean, packing for a little 2 day trip to Topeka is one thing. It's a lot of shit, don't get me wrong. But when you're in backwoods Missouri, where the closest WallyWorld is over 30 minutes away, you gotta re-think your packing strategies. Just in case you might need, oh, I don't know.....effing Miralax, because your child won't poop on the 3 ounces of prune juice you give her a day. Hell, I'd be pooping all day on 3 ounces of prune juice!

Good news is I found some. And not 30 minutes away. Thank the poop Gods.

Moving on.

After cramming every nook and cranny with baby crap (not literally), we made it down to Table Rock fairly quickly. Actually, a lot more quickly than I thought it'd take us. Especially since we had to stop about every hour because little girl would poop out a pea-sized turd and think her life was over. (Granted, for her it is traumatic when she poops, poor thing.)

But anyways, we made it down, and prepared for a relaxing weekend! I wasn't sure it was going to be relaxing with a 9 month old, but cheers to hoping! (Yes, I did write 'cheers' instead of here's. lol)

First morning there:

And actually it was a lot of fun. And relaxing! Dillyn did AMAZING!

Although she wasn't too impressed with her life jacket.....or the boat ride:
She's going to love that picture when she's older. LOL!

Puppy got to play fetch a lot:

He looks like a stealth jumping dog there, but in actuality, he sucked it up most of the time. He'd get right on the edge of the rock and then sorta 'flop' in and then start swimming. Weirdo.

We spent a lot of time on the boat and dock:

I even did some paddle boarding!!

That shit is HARD!!! Holy leg cramps. But it was soooo much fun! My aunt and cousin rented it for a day, and it looks like they're going to purchase one, one day! I hope so! It was such a fun work out!

We did have a pretty scary storm while down at the dock. It was sprinkling and looked like it'd just blow over, but being that it's Missouri, and the weather there is like a PMSing chick on speed, it ended up turning into a damn hurricane.  Dillyn was asleep on the front of the boat, which is in the middle of the covered dock (pretty safe from any elements). But we could just see this white wall of rain heading our way. She started to get a little wet, so Ryan moved her under the passenger seat and dash. And it was just in time because the wind switched and was blowing rain in from the back of the boat. I had to cover her, and Ryan was covering me. And of course Puppy had to be the good big brother:

He probably just wanted out of the rain, same as us, but I'm going with big protective brother!

BTW, baby didn't wake up once! lol

Since it was too cold to get in the lake, the Grandparents got Dillyn a baby pool and we put it on the deck with some warm water. And since I *forgot* to pack water toys, she had to make do with tupperware lids. I don't think she cared!

Most evenings we relaxed on the deck and baby took a nap:

That kid can sleep anywhere! And I love it!

And finally, my cousin took this one of D:

You just fall head over heels for those blue eyes!!!

First Lake Weekend with a baby was a success! And I'm so excited that she'll grow up there, learn to swim, ski, wakeboard, tube, everything there! She would be the 4th generation to enjoy this cabin, and we're so lucky Ryan's Grandparents purchased it many moons ago!!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Another Day, Another Attempt At Getting Healthier

I miss writing. I don't get to it often enough. And that sucks donkey balls.

I had an aunt & uncle last weekend just praise my blog and writing style, and I was like, 'Huh, I really need to get back into it.' (Thanks Jeannie & Larry, by the way!!!)

So, lets see. What's been going on with me? Well, I went to the lake last weekend and decided to change my name to Fatricia McFatterson. Yup. And the title of this blog may be changed to Beer, Dogs, More Beer, Baby, and My Ass Is The Size Of Canada.

The End.

Ok, not really.

I do need to get my ass in shape.......again. I've been doing a lot of thinking about body image and getting in shape, or being in shape. And I'll tell ya, I've always wanted to get in shape for selfish reasons. I wanted to look pretty. I wanted to be noticed for a pretty, slim face, or a nice ass, or a trim waist. I could have given two small rabbit turds if getting healthier made me live longer, or feel better (on the outside or inside), or whatever.

And still, right now, I want to lose weight to look better. But there's another reason I've been thinking about getting healthier (again)......for my daughter.

I keep thinking that all I want her to eat is good, nutritious, organic, healthy meals. I make all her food, and if I have to buy it, I make sure it's as clean and organic as possible. She RARELY gets anything that's not organic or is processed. And I'm not doing that to 'slim' her down for shit's sake. I'm doing it because I want her to have healthy eating habits when she's older! So, why can't I treat myself the same!? Riddle me that shit.

The other issue is body image. Do I really want her to grow up and have the mind set that I and so many other women do???? That we're all supposed to look like those skinnyass tooth picks in the magazines????Fuck no. I'm a decent sized 8/10, 160lb, 5'8" woman, that happens to have a slightly large badonkadonk, batwings straight from Hell, and thunder thighs that could scare a small child if it got close enough. Seriously, I resemble a T-Rex with little hands and a giant lower half. Screw 'pear shaped' should be called mammoth T-Rex shaped. Or maybe I should say I'm from the Tribe of My-T-Rex-Ass-Blocked-Out-The-Sun-And-Killed-All-The-Dinosaurs.

OK, moving on.

Basically, I'm not super unhealthy. However, I would say I'm average. I eat semi-decent (most of the time), and I work my ass off being a mom (which sometimes requires me to stand for 22.mybackhateslife hours), I garden (which requires bending, hauling, shoveling, etc), and I spend about 80% of my work day running around 4 buildings at the speed of a chocoholic cheetah who smells Double Stuffed Oreos in the break-room. To say I'm a loafing ass that is obese is not true. Even to say that I'm a loafing ass that is overweight is untrue. But what is true is that I am a averagely healthy normal weight woman. But I could use improvement.

I KNOW I am much more active than I used to be. I also KNOW I eat better than I used to. Am I completely fit and healthy????? Pffffftttttt....please. Hell to the no! I don't know if I'll ever make it to completely fit and healthy. I just wasn't raised that way. I wasn't raised to worry about my health. The only exercising my family did (and for the most part, still does) is 12 ounce curls 5 days a week. We ate boxed dinners, veggies came out of a can most times, and sugar loaded cereals were a staple for breakfast....lunch....or even dinner sometimes. I also use food to cope with stress, and while I know it's bad, and I want to change, that's something I'll probably deal with my whole life.

I'll always have ups and downs with my eating habits.  And I'll always have ups and downs with exercise because it's not something that has EVER been a priority in my life until the last 7 years. And it's still not that high on my priority list. I mean, I think it should be, don't get me wrong. But when my daughter spends 8-9 hours a day at daycare, and then I come home to haul her off to the YMCA daycare for another hour, by the time we get home it's dinnertime and bedtime in an hour. I can't stand only spending a few hours a day with her. I can't STAND IT! So, if I have the choice of snuggling with her or the gym.....yup, it's going to be her. Every.Time. And I'm sure that will change in a few years when she gets to the point of not wanting mommy around all the time. But until then, I'm going to squeeze her every chance I get.

OK, so what am I saying here, huh?

I'm saying that I realize I'm not 100% healthy. I'm saying that I realize I'm averagely healthy, but I need improvements. But those improvements aren't going to consume my life. They're not going to be a higher priority over time with my daughter. I do want to get healthier, not because of looks or to fit some dumb image, but to prove to my daughter that you can be slightly better than averagely healthy and live a good life. I want to prove to her that being slightly better than averagely healthy is fun, doable, and not a chore (which is what I think it is....for now). But am I going to bust my ass to make it to the gym X times per a week???? Ummmm, no. Am I going to degrade myself for having a chocolate chip cookie after dinner....even if it's after every dinner for the rest of my life???? Nope. I'm truly going to take it one day at a time.

Today is a new day. I had a decent breakfast and a salad for lunch.  Dillyn has swim lessons at 6pm, so I have to be at the Y anyway, I might as well work out, right? Right. I brought my work out clothes and my swim suit. I'm going to pick her up, then take her to the Y daycare, work out for an hour or so, then do lessons with her. I plan on starting my push-up and squat challenge today at the Y too. Day 1 is going to be a good one.

As for tomorrow, I have no idea. I know I need to get in the garden and weed. So that's got to get done. No time for gym. I also know I have lettuce coming up and there's no reason not to eat it all this week (and it tastes so freaking amazing that I can't help but want it every day this week!)

I know I need to have goals. I know I need some sort of plan. But for now, it's one day at a time. My major exercise goal is going to be to stick with these two 30 day challenges. And my food goal is to not buy a bag of oreos for breakfast for the next 30 days (and hopefully, forever). I'll re-evaluate everything after the 4th of July.

Easy Peezy Lemon Squeezy.
Every time I write that, I just want a Summer Beer.

So here I go. Attempt #4971 of getting healthier.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Ten Things Thursday

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccckkkkk.

Get Excited.

1. This morning, baby woke up at 4am. Went to sleep at 5am. And then my alarm went off at 5:30am. Glorious start to the day.

THEN, I get to work, and Ryan called and said we needed to check our bank account. So I logged on and I think I had a mini heart attack. We were NEGATIVE $10,000+! Yes, that's right......TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.
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At first, I thought I had a major mommy brain fart and waaaaaayyyyyyy overpaid on our morgage. For some strange-ass-psycho-I-need-to-be-locked-up reason. But then I noticed it was a check, and it cleared on our account for 10,329.IthinkI'mhavingastroke dollars. I downloaded the check and it turns out that it was SOMEONE ELSE'S ACCOUNT! Someone wrote a check to Pella Windows, and it got cleared to OUR account, and not theirs.
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Yes, I was a little shocked.

I called up the bank right away and got this gentleASSman that said that the two accounts were one digit off and the computer made a mistake reading it. He deposited the money taken out and basically washed his hands of the whole sitch. I asked if they were going to remove the other person's check from our account and he said no. Ummmmm, exsqueeze me????? No. He said that since he deposited the money, everything is good.

No. Everything is not good douchecanoe.

Then I asked if he was going to notify the other people that their check was put to our account and he said no. Again........WHAT?!?!?!?! This is how the convo went:

Me: You mean to tell me that someone else's check was cleared to our account, for 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS, and you're not going to inform them of this????
Asshat: No.
Me: You don't think that's an IMPORTANT SECURITY BREACH that they should know about?????
Asshat: No.
Me: Well, if this happened to me I would want to know IMMEDIATELY that my information was given to someone by accident!!!
Asshat: Well, it's no different than her just writing you a check. You'd then have her information.
Me: UMMMMMM, IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT you Fart Licker!!!!! She didn't write me a check! She wrote Pella Windows a check! And if I wasn't an 'honest' person, I now have her bank account and all her information and could possibly use it to do very bad things! I need to speak with your supervisor!!!

Long story short, the supervisor told me that they will notify the other people, but by letter. I informed her that isn't right and I had the other person's number off their check and would be contacting them myself. I also informed her that we probably won't be banking with you any more....COMMERCE BANK JACKASSES!!!!

Can you believe that?!?!

2.  As an update to my Juice Cleanse, I'd just like y'all to know that I'm at 156.1, so I'm up about (POINT)2 lbs.  Dolphin claps for me!!!!
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I've been eating pretty good. Generally having salads every day. There was one day when I had pizza, and while it was delicious. I stopped at two small slices. And I haven't thought about it since.

I am eating more chocolate. DAMN YOU CHOCOLATE!!!!! It just can't be helped. I made some pretty good cookies that have been saving my hands from shaking the vending machine to death......Skinny Banana Cookies. Check it and wreck it peeps. They're delish!

3. I haven't delved into the exercising crappness yet. But I'm working up to it.


I'm actually thinking about doing a push up challenge and a squat challenge.

I'm convinced that cardio isn't what I need right now, but weights are where it's at! I don't know why, but I just 'feel' it. Maybe what I feel is my batwings flapping in the wind. Who knows.

Regardless, Anyone want to do them with me???? It's only 30 days. Huh??????
Do ya?



4. Sooooooo. I've decided to get into oils. And not grease-me-up-to-slide-down-a-pole oils.

 I'm talking about essential oils silly!!!

My friend Jess messaged me awhile ago and noticed that I was having some trouble with Dillyn being sick and said that she has been using oils for a little while and hasn't taken her 1 year old to the doctor much since. She also said it's helped her in a number of ways and that I should really give it a shot.

I was a little skeptic, because 'giving it a shot' meant shelling out $150. And that's kinda a lot of money.  But then I found out my cousin was using oils so I picked her brain a little. And by little, I mean A LOT. She gave me a LOAD of info!!! I'll summarize here, but basically she has been using oils for years now. She uses them for everything! She has 3 kids and they rarely go to the DR. And she has a husband that was chronically ill, or had allergies, or something, and after using oils he hasn't been to the doctor but once a year! She is VERY involved in the church and her husband is a pastor (not saying that she tells the truth alllll time, but just to give you a reference of the type of person she is), and the fact that she was family meant I was sold on the idea! And not that I didn't believe my friend!!!! Because I totally did! But I just wanted someone else's opinion, ya know?!
Lord I hope I didn't eff that up. Because it felt like I did. Jeez, I'm a moron.

Anyways. I went ahead and got a starter kit of oils...........And WOW. Seriously. WOW.

#1: Dillyn has been constipated since birth. Poor thing just entered this world backed up. I've tried EVERYTHING! I've given her extra water during the day. I mix her formula in the morning with 1/2 prune juice and 1/2 water. I've kneaded her belly. And at the worst of times, given her a suppository. :( At first I was only giving her 1 ounce of prune juice, now it's 3. And she wasn't constipated every day before, but now it's all the time. I HATE POOP!  So, I started diffusing peppermint oil, and massaging peppermint and frankincense oil on her belly and I'm not kidding you, the kid pooped within hours. And has been pretty constant since (it's only been a few days).

#2: Dillyn is teething. Yes. Joyous times in the Wiksten household. One of the recommendations is to put Thieves on her gums. She was really fussy one evening and I thought, what the hell. I'll try it. So I mixed it with a little coconut oil and massaged her gums. Almost instantly she was smiling and laughing and playing like normal.  Yesterday, I forgot to give it to her, and her temp spiked and she's just miserable. But you better believe I gave it to her this morning! After about 10 minutes, she wasn't, lets say 'happy', but she wasn't screaming either. I call that a win.

#3: I worked my ASS off in the yard last weekend. Seriously, like from 9am-5pm on Sat. I got the garden in, flower beds planted, mulch down, etc. My back was KILLING me from bending over. You know how when you go to stand up and it's almost like your body won't let you? You just stay hunched over like some 104 year old, thinking to yourself, 'Where the hell is my cane?!!?'. And, 'Is it possible to drink a beer hunched over?', enters your mind. Ya, well, that was me. I took a shower and decided to put some Pan-Away (which is a blend of oils) on my lower back. I rubbed it in good, and probably went a little over board. I sat on the couch the rest of the night, went to bed early, and the next day I could literally jump out of bed.......if  I did that sort of thing in the mornings. But my back felt great! No pain whatsoever! I even gardened another 4 hours on Sunday!

#4: I've had this cold sore on the inside of the tip of my nose for months. I've been putting a prescribed ointment on it but it doesn't seem to ever completely go away.  I started putting frankincense on it about 3 days ago, and it's almost gone!!!

I'm not shitting you people, this stuff really works!

I'm also trying Lemon Oil on my varicose veins right now. I've only been using it a few days, so I'll let you know if I see any improvement in the next few months.

Anyway, if any one's interested in these high quality, therapeutic oils , please let me know! (Btw, the stuff you get at the natural food store probably isn't high quality or therapeutic, trust me, I thought I got some good stuff and have been using it for a year, but it didn't do shit, just smelled pretty.)
I can give you some info, or tell you where I researched: laurawiksten @ hotmail . com

5.  If you caught on to #3 above, then you know I got the garden......all the way in!!! Woop Woop!  OK, here's the breakdown:
~8 Tomato plants (4 Big Boys, 3 Roma, and 1 Cherry)
~5 Pepper plants (Jalapeno, green and yellow bells, chili, and habanero.
~1 Yellow Squash
~1 Zucchini
~9 Strawberries
~*hopefully* 8 Cucumbers
~A 4ft x 4ft area just for carrots.

I also have 4 different types of lettuce, spinach, bulb onions, green onions, basil, cilantro, rosemary, garlic, chives, chamomile, and okra.

Yup!!!! The Wiksten's are going to eat gooooood this summer!!!!

I'm so excited I could pee carrot juice!

6.  How come fingernail polish stays on your toes for decades (even though being shoved into shoes and crap all day), but if you carefully and methodically put polish on your fingernails with the utmost precision, using the best products, and taking care to try and get the longest life possible, it chips in 24 seconds???!!!!! Riddle me that shit!!!!

7.  Dillyn had her 1st swim lessons last night!!! I think I was more excited than she was. Or as Dad was. The class was small with just 4 babies, ranging from 8 months (Dillyn) to 18 months. There was another little girl there that was 9 months and just the cutest thing ever! And she was a little fish!!!

We practiced 'blowing bubbles', clapping our hands in the water, floating on our back, kicking our legs, and so much more!!! She loved every minute of it! She kept dipping her face in the water and splashing with her hands. It was so cute!

8. Pulling of the Oil UPDATE: OK, so I've been faithfully pulling oil for some time now, and I gotta tell you, I don't think I'll ever quit. But I can't decide if Ryan thinks it's a blessing that I can't talk for 20 minutes in the morning, or if it's a curse. lol
Two main things that I've noticed are:

A. I accidentally forgot to bring some when I visited the parentials, so I went two days with no oil. Farts. The next week I got a canker sore. Double farts. Normally, I have to dry out the sore, put some nasty tasting ointment on there, that ends up drying and turning into this freaky white 'skin'. Which eventually falls off, then I choke on it and end up gagging for 20 minutes. It's awesome.

Anyways, instead of doing that I thought I'd just try concentrating on really getting the oil swished on that spot for a few days and see what happens.

No bullshit, within 3 days, the sore was gone!!!!!

B. I again forgot to bring some oil when we went out of town. (I know, there's a pattern here. Just shut up.) And this last few weeks it's felt like I had a cavity in the back of my tooth. Now, I need to go to the dentist anyway, but until I can get in (or remember to actually make an appointment), I've been swishing oil around that area more, and after 2 days, the pain has gone down a TON. I still think I have a cavity and need to get it filled, but at least something is helping!!!

So, if you haven't started pulling oil, get your ass in gear and start!!!

9. I made my own dishwasher soap and laundry detergent last weekend.
Yup. I am that person now.
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But it works!!! Seriously!
First off, the Dish Soap works PERFECT! I did put vinegar in the rinse container, so I think that helps keep the dishes shiny. I've only had a few pieces of silverware have film on them, and I just rinse them off and put them in the drawer. It's FAR less than when I was using Finish. I'm tellin' you, I bet I re-washed half the dishes when I was using that soap. I mean, what's the fricking point?!

The Laundry Soap is also good, but I wouldn't say it's amazing. It gets our clothes clean, and they smell clean and fresh. But it doesn't get out baby puke stains.....which is pretty much the entire load of laundry. But to solve this, I've just used OxiClean spray. I put it on the stains the minute I take off D's clothes, then throw it in the hamper. By the time we wash everything, it's soaked and and comes out perfect.  

BIG BONUS to both of these: They are a TON cheaper than the stuff at the store! And they last forever!

Who's the crazy one now, huh?!?!? 
Ya, not this chick!

10. It's almost the weekend!!!!!

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