Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Decisions, decisions...

So, I've got a wedding this weekend. I'm so excited I almost peed my pants just writing about it.  But, I have a little dilemma, and since I have no good girlfriends close to ask, I thought I'd ask all my good-blogger-friends.

Here's the dress I'm going to wear.

Close up of the top.

Close up of the bottom.
I know, cute, right?  It's purple and I will love it and will pet it and will care for it like it's my own.  Wait, it is.

OK, moving on.  What freaking shoes do I wear???
OK, don't look at the gross wear marks on the brown ones.
I've worn them like a million times. Best $7 I ever spent.
Do I go with the cute white ones that obviously go with the white embroidery on the dress, or do i kinda play with the Greek style of the dress with the lovable brown ankle wrap-around strap ones?  I'm planing on wearing a beaded necklace with purple, green, blue, and silver beads that hangs to my waist.  Hair down (which it's chin length, so that's the only way to do it really.)

Feedback is required people. I obviously can't ask Ryan because he'll mumble some lame response like, "you have way too many shoes". And that won't help at all.

So what do you think?

Memorial Weekend, In Review.

The weekend was awesome. Relaxing. Exactly what I needed.  I love the lake.

No crazy funny stories or anything. We were lame-o and did nothing but lay on the dock or deck, did a lot of reading, and threw in the fishing pole once.  I know. I should calm down on the physical exertion.

Sitting on the deck, you can see a little piece of Table Rock in the background.
 The holiday started off with me flying home like a bat outta hell (BTW, I hate it when people drive 45 in a 60...in the passing lane! Get the F over already, I've got to get the lake!) to get home. Once there, Ryan had already packed the cooler but without putting in half the things on the list that needed to be taken. Nice.  So I unpacked the cooler, then repacked the cooler with the 30 things we needed. (Men...can't live with them, can't let them pack the cooler.) Once that was settled, we loaded up the dog, who was going berserk the whole time Ryan and I were going from house to truck to load it up.  He's whining and drooling and jumping up and down like he's got tourettes. I think he thinks (in his little pea-brain) that we're just going to leave him in the house for the 3.5 days and make the trip without him.  Crazy animal.

Traffic on the way down was non-existent, which is never the case. We have to drive a 2 lane highway for 4.5 hours and it's usually packed with semi's, campers, people pulling boats with a Nissan Sentra, etc.  But none of that shenanigans this trip, we cruised all the way to the cabin, which was a nice change of pace.

Can I just say that Ryan's parents crack me up. They are the most sweet and good natured people but extremely energetic.  Sometimes it gets a little out of control, but in a 'they are moving around way too much and I feel like a lard ass for sitting here doing nothing' kinda way.  They cleaned and worked on the cabin, dock, boat lift, and garage all weekend.  Sometimes I get tired just watching them.  Cliff (FIL) asked Ryan to think about what tools to bring down on the 4th of July so they can work on other things that 'need' to get done (nothing really 'needs' to get done, unless they want to build a whole new cabin).  Ryan just looked at him and said something like, "I'm not bringing any tools down, this is a holiday. A chance to RELAX!" Bet you 10 bucks Cliff brings down a buttload of tools and works on little projects all weekend.

There was enough food to feed an army, Pam (MIL) brought dinner for both Sat and Sun nights (steaks and fajitas...YUMMY) and then brought all the lunch meat for sandwiches, all the sides, snacks, deserts and breakfast for one morning.  I've learned in the last 4 years that if I am going to contribute I have to just bring down what I want to bring down and then open my thing first.  For instance, since they were having fajitas I said I'd bring the salsa because I have a huge jar left over from last year (that I home-made and canned) and I wanted to use that because I know it'll be super healthy and have zero salt, but when I got down there, they had bought this huge container of store bought brand.  I nearly tackled them to get to my jar and get it open first so they wouldn't open theirs.  (Just kidding, no tackling happened, although that would have been really funny.)

I am proud to say that I ate EXTREMELY great all weekend.  I can not, however, say that my alcohol non-consumption was up to that level of greatness. I drank some beers. Alright, I drank quite a few beers.  And they were fabulous.  But my eating was great. I didn't exactly follow the 'one day pure protein and one day protein and veggies' plan that I should have with the Dukan Diet. It's really hard to get in just protein when you only have a select amount of food.  But I did eat healthy salads with non-fat dressing (even when we stopped at Burger King on the way down; that was a first....ordering a salad at a fast food burger joint, but I did it), lots of deli meat, cottage cheese, veggies and yogurt. I had two, count 'em 2, little lemon cupcakes that were 130 cal each and a half of a chocolate chip cookie.  That's pretty damn good for me, considering I usually roll out of bed and start shoving delicious deserts in my mouth till the sun goes down. 

All in all, I did awesome on the food and I am so happy that I found that b*tch Willpower this weekend.  (She's a nasty little hooker that has always been able to evade me, but I finally caught her slimy ass and pummeled the shit out of her.)

I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either.  That's a plus in my book people.

One thing that didn't happen this weekend was skiing.  The lake was up like 20 feet, so there was floating trees and crap all over the lake. Not a good idea to strap on a ski and go galavanting over one of those.  It'd hurt. A lot.  But we did get the boat in and took two little cruises.  The water height was beyond crazy. Playground equipment under water, electrical poles that were half sitting under the water, tops of 25 foot trees barely peaking out of the water. It was nuts. We're all hoping that the lake level will go back down to semi-normal for the 4th, otherwise we're not going to get in a lot of skiing this year.

Anyways, that's it for me. I know....kinda boring, but I can't live the super exciting, totally hilarious, famous life all the time.

Later gators!

Friday, May 27, 2011

One more totally random thing....

 In my worldly opinion, Ryan Renolds is the hottest famous dude out there.

My Ryan has a favorite celebrity crush (Carrie Underwood), so I'm choosing Hotty-Abs-McGee up there as mine. It's only fair.

Try not to lick the screen girls.

Lake Time, Diet Update and Wish List

Hello little Buddies!

Despite the crappy start to my day, my mood is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Don't you hate it when you try to do something that will better the company you work for, then someone (that's high up on the food chain) shoots it down like your a little idiot female that knows nothing about nothing (when I know more than that 'someone' hands down because I freaking built my department from ground up)?  So, to spite that 'someone'....I've decided to do only fun things today at work. Like design license plates and KSU logo stuff to print on this big magnet material I just got.  (Yes, I do consider those things fun.) That's the crappy start, BTW. But I'm over it.

Do you know what today is?

Huh, do ya?


Today is the official start of summer for me! Yippee!  It's lake time people. Endless weekends filled with beer in coozies (despite the whole no alcohol diet mumbo jumbo thingy, I've decided that I won't go hog wild, but I will enjoy a few beers in coozies. It'll be OK.), boat rides with music blaring, sittin' on the dock and catching the big fishies, oh, and playing endless swimming-fetch in the lake with you know who (Wyatt...not Ryan). I swear that dog could play that so simple mindless game forever and swim till his little legs are jello. The only bad part about playing swimming-fetch with him is he pees in the lake....not that I don't (don't think I'm disgusting, I'm a country girl through and through, I pee outdoors, in lakes, and sometimes in the river, but never right next to someone), but I need to teach him to swim AWAY from me and pee. See, I stand on a little ledge, about knee deep in the water, and throw his dummy (floating fetch toy) out in the lake so he can go get it.  He happily lunges off the side of the ledge, swims out, swims back, drops the dummy at my knees, then squats (yes, even though he's a boy, he pees like a girl, much to Ryan's dismay) in the water and does 'the business'.  Yes, the water only comes up to his neck, so when he squats his entire body is underwater, with the exception of his block head, while he pees.  Our dog is one of a kind.

In 4 hours and 54 minutes I will leave this place of Hell employment and drive like a disco frantic freak hopped up on X the 20 minutes to my house, where I will pack the cooler and literally throw the husband and dog into the truck (because I will become She-ra and have super power strength) and off we will go....to the land of big water and old people.

Oh yes, the town where we go is made up of mostly retirees mixed with a few locals that have lived there before paved roads.  Very exciting. There's no bars on the lake (unless you count the Pizza Hut that you can drive your boat too), no clubs, no fancy-schmancy shopping outlets. Nope, that is definitely NOT Shell Knob, MO.  BUT! There is a Country Mart (the only grocery store for 30 miles, where you see all the locals dressed in their finest mesh t-shirts and cut-offs)  and there's the Jug-N-Plug: Bait Shop AND Liquor Store.  No shit.  I have t-shirts from this place because it's like a legend (and the coolest name on the planet).

The place is unique for sure. 

Ryan's family has had a cabin down there since, like, the 70s.  His grandpa and grandma built it and there has been minimal renovations since. New paint, carpet, linoleum, hot water heater and roof, that's about it.  Wood paneling and faux brick walling accent this place like a dream.  It's two bedroom, one bathroom, and usually we have a total of 8 people and 5 dogs staying there.  Basically it's an all out brawl to get into the bathroom, and if you don't make it in there, you're just shit outta luck.  But despite all that, it is the greatest place on Earth.  It has this huge front porch that's completely screened-in and we eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner out there. When I grow up and get a big girl house I am DEMANDING that Ryan build me a screened-in porch. He will do it and he will do it with a smile on his face.

I can't wait to get down there (can you tell?)! And I'm sure I'll have some great pictures and fun stories for you all when I get back.

Oh, and the diet. Well, the Dukan Diet is going great.  I'm on day 4. My 3 days of just pure protein went by really fast. I wasn't ravenous for food, I had a pretty 'mixed up' meal plan, and I feel sooo much better.  And....... I dropped 3 pounds! Yep, you heard me! A whoppin' 3 baby!  I'm now at 151.  Now, I know a few of you might be a little corn-fused, because at one point in April I got down to 148.7 or something. Well, when I weighed in on Monday, my weight had jumped to 154 since April.  Not a lot, but that's what you get for being a slob and eating crap at all hours of the day for weeks on end.  Anyways. Now I get to add veggies into my diet every other day.  I'm super excited about this, because I have really been missing my veggies.  This weekend is going to be a challenge, but I plan on walking every day (oh yeah, haven't been doing that this week due to the shitty weather, but no worries), sticking to my diet (note to self: do not eat that gooey, delicious, and mouthwatering chocolate cake you know your MIL will bring), and limiting my alcohol.  Good plan.

On a completely random note, I want to leave this little post with my new collection of 'I have to have these or my life is over' shoes.  I haven't ordered them yet....they're just on my wish list, but they will be ordered. Hear that Ryan: They will be ordered! (And they're all on sale too. Boo-Yaa!)

I have no idea where I would wear the red/zebra/hooker heels,
and I'm pretty sure Ryan would have a coronary if he saw them,
but they're just fantastic, right?!
 Peace out peeps and have a very happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Bullet Thursday.

Lets do some bullets, eh?

~ I haven't decided if I like cottage cheese yet.  I've been on the fence with that decision for about a week.  It's sorta good with it's creamy texture...and the fact that it's, well, cheese.  Which, I could eat cheese every single minute of the day....if it didn't have the effect on my digestive system that I think it would. Not a good idea people. But it's also kinda weird tasting.  A little sour and a smidge bland.  I've tried it several ways so far: Pepper only, sugar and cinnamon, and pepper and Tabasco (not all at the same time, mind you).  I know...my taste buds are freakazoids.  So, the verdict is still out on that one.

~ This is what happened last night: Got off work, went home and made dinner, then jumped in my husbands 'you need a step ladder to get in' truck to take it to get it's oil changed (this is what happens when your husband works out of town during the week, not only do I have to deal with my own shit, I now am responsible for some of his...in the most loving way of course. Really, it's not that bad.), grocery shop while the truck is getting new fluids (not a good idea when it takes an hour and your stuck in Walmart...you buy shit you don't need...like another chew toy for Wyatt and blue nail polish), haul the LOAD back to the house, start making food for the Lake this weekend (deviled eggs, oat bran pancakes, veggies and dips, more dips, bloody mary's, and baked chicken), start laundry, start dishwasher, do dishes that don't fit in dishwasher, take out trash, pack the dogs endless things that he needs to survive on for the Lake (like his new chew toy and food), fold laundry, start packing all the dry goods, towels, and sheets, start packing for myself, bend down to pet the dog, almost pass out because I've been standing/walking for 4 hours, decide it's bed time, contemplate not brushing my teeth or taking out my contacts or washing my face because I'm about to fall over on my face and don't want to crack my skull open on the sink, do it anyway, make it to bed and literally pass the F out. Who wants my life....anyone? Yeah, me neither.

~ Peanut butter M&M's are quite possibly the world's best food. Not that I had any....

~ This is what I posted on my Facebook last weekend: "having my first Skinny Girl. not bad. REALLY kinda strong." Ryan informed me that that sounded kinda sexual. HeHeHe.  Get your minds out of the gutter, it was a margarita. Which brings me to my next bullet...

~ The Latinos from Tucson, AZ have decided that the Republicans and Democrats don't take their voting serious enough, so they are starting a Tequila Party Movement (similar to the Tea Party Movement).  If they are serving chilled shots of Patron....I'm there.

~ I made the most amazing shrimp curry last night. Sooo simple, saute shrimp in garlic and green onions, when almost done, sprinkle with curry powder. Then mix 1T each lime juice, soy sauce, water and veg oil together and pour over saute mixture.  Saute for a few minutes until shrimp are done and voilà. Incredible little dish, if I must say.

~ Ryan just got a new Droid Incredible last week.  First, I'm totally happy for him because he only uses what his work provides him, cell phone wise, and most of the phones have been boring. No camera, no internet, nada. So for him to finally move up the new technology age is really exciting for him. Second, he plays on that thing like he's a 10 year old with his first PlayStation. Always trying new games and figuring out the controls. It's a little hilarious. And last, our marriage is now almost completely coasting on silence. Yep, I have now been surpassed in the 'favorite' part by a smart phone.  If it wasn't bad enough that I have to compete with the new hunting DVDs that he picks up weekly at Bass Pro, I now have to work my magic extra hard to get more than a few mumbles out of him if he's playing with that thing. That also kinda sounded a little sexual, huh? HeHeHe.  But really, I'm happy for him, it's just a period of adjustment, right? RIGHT?

~ I have spinach and lettuce growing EVERYWHERE!  My garden is out of control people. Why is it every year I say to myself, 'Laura, only plant ONE row of spinach and ONE row of lettuce because you know you'll have too much if you plant more than that.'  And why is it I completely ignore myself and plant two rows of each.  So now the spinach and lettuce look like some unkept, wild bush that you would find in the Amazon.  Last night I looked out at the garden and literally flinched, because I thought one of the leaves was going to rear up and try to eat me like Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors.
Do you remember that movie? It was my FAVORITE when I was a kid. Just goes to show you how weird I am.  Wait...why the heck was my mother letting me watch a movie that has a plant eating people when I was like 7 anyway?  Oh well, apparently I turned out ok. I think.

~ And lastly, the sun has finally come out to say hello today. It's been constant rain and nastiness all week (tornadoes in OK, KS, and MO all week, freaking crazy), but finally today I can soak up the rays of blissfulness. And it puts me in a good mood for the vacation weekend.  Oh yea...this weekend is going to ROCK. Like it always does.

But I'll tell you all about it tomorrow........'Til next time kids!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Spring Storm Madness

All day the weather morons have been saying that, "Deadly storms headed straight for Wichita. Tornadoes expected. Very damaging."  So, the storm was just getting ready to unload right as I got off work. So I race 150 mph home to get my veggie garden covered (I know right, who cares if I blow away, at least the tomatoes will survive).  Then, I pack up the first aid kit, flashlights, a book (Lord knows why I'd read a book during a tornado, but there's always the possibility), water and candles and head down for the closet under the stairs.  As soon as I open the door, I know I'm doomed. There's freakin' bullet reloading gear, a chair, remnants of a dining room table, a Christmas tree, OH and a unrealistically large collection of deer antlers sheds all mangled together in a space the size of a disco club's bathroom stall.  Shit.  So I unload half that crap....and I do mean CRAP, and proceed to make a little area for Wyatt (the pup) and I to hunker down in.

After that's all ready, I decide to watch the radar.  And at this point it looks pretty scary. So why go out sober...despite the diet.  Yep, if I'm goin' down, it's going to be with a six pack in me.  I'm glued to the weather morons for about 45 minutes, finally I determine (once again) their full of shit.  I mean we got nada. Ziltch. Zip. Maybe a little crazy clouds and the amount of rain that equivalents a 2 year old's pee.  Other than that, I worked my ass off to save my garden from a trickle of rain and damaged my second day of dieting for nothing.  Perfect. What can you do.

Here's some pictures of the clouds (and yes, even if there was a tornado headed straight for me, someone would have to literally drag my ass inside because I'd be shooting as many pictures as possible before the destruction starts):

I'm safe. And a little tipsy. So all is good. Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Pray for Joplin, MO

I just wanted to put out a quick post to ask you all to say a little prayer for the residents, relatives of residents and the community of Joplin, MO. 

Most of you know, they were struck with a horrific F4 tornado a few days ago and it basically wiped out 3/4 mile wide path through the town.  Joplin is only a few hours from where I'm from and we actually just drive south of there when we head to Table Rock Lake.  I don't know of anyone personally that is from Joplin, but there are many people out there who do.

So please take a moment and send them all the prayers, positive energy, and love that you can. They really need it right now.

If you would like to donate to the relief efforts, please go to the Red Cross Website.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dukan Diet Day 1

So far so good today!  I did really good on eating very healthy all day and truthfully I feel so much better than when I used to shove my pie hole with enormous amounts of junk.

I had eggs and yogurt for breakfast. Chicken, cottage cheese, sliced turkey, fat free chocolate pudding (BTW, total new, kinda scary, obsession with this stuff. It's AMAZING.) and a hard boiled egg for lunch and snacks. Then tonight I made a Shrimp Scampi with Miracle Noodles. Those little noodles are pretty darn good.  Basically they're some faux pasta made from some plant in Asia. They have ZERO calories, carbs, fat, etc.  There's nothing there. Nothing. It's just remarkable.  I mean, I'm sure there is a micro speck of calories, but who counts those anyway!  And they didn't taste half bad, a little chewy, but that didn't bother my any.

Here's the recipe, next time i'm going to make a few changes, which I've noted:


  • 1 lb peeled shrimp 1/2 lb peeled shrimp
  • 2 packets shiratake noodles 1 packet
  • 3 tbsp minced garlic (the more the better)
  • 3 tbsp lemon juice 2 T
  • Lemon Pepper Paprika, Pepper and Blackening Spices to taste
  • Garlic Salt Garlic Powder
  • 2 tsp Butter Flavoring
  • 2 tbsp low fat sour cream 1 T fat free sour cream and 1 T fat free milk


  • Run cold warm water over shiratake noodles and drain.
  • Set aside.
  • Spray 0 calorie oil in a medium sauce pan.
  • Saute garlic for a few minutes.
  • Add the shrimp and noodles and saute until shrimp is almost cooked.
  • Add remaining ingredients.
  • Season until you are happy with the flavor.
  • When shrimps are ready, add the shiratake noodles and toss.
  • Let stand for a few minutes so that noodles can absorb the flavor.
  • Makes 3-4 1 servings.

I switched their recommended noodles with the Miracle Noodles (they're pretty much the same).  To prepare those you first need to rinse them really, really well. They kinda have a fishy smell when you open the package, oh, they're packaged in water by the way.  So I plugged my nose and rinsed away in warm water for a good 5 minutes.  Then there was some suggestions on the web to dry saute them in a frying pan to eliminate all water, which helps them have a texture similar to flour-made pasta.  I did all that, then started preparing the shrimp.

I also don't have the nutrition data for this meal, with this diet you don't really count anything, but using fat free everything and the Miracle Noodles I doubt there's much there anyway.

Here's a pic, it's not the best, but what can you do:
Note to self: Do not enter in any food photo contests because you suck.

You can barely tell, but the noodles are translucent.

I only got through about 3/4 before I thought I was going to explode because I was so full. Even now, four hours later, I'm still full.

After I felt that my stomach had de-bloated from the noodles and I wasn't going to blow chunks on the floor, I took Wyatt for my 'prescribed' 20 minute walk.  You'd think that with all the running and playing that dog does he's be in better shape.  About 10 min into our little jaunt, Wyatt is  hyperventilating and I was pretty sure I was going to have to carry the 80 lb fur ball the mile back to our house.  I mean, jeez, it was so bad I thought someone was going to think that I was abusing him.

Here he is, and I might add he has not moved positions in about an hour:
Sooo exhausted!
I have survived the first day. Super-duper. Bring on Day #2!

Re-do Day.

Today is the day for re-dos.  I'm redoing my pathetic excuse for a diet. I'm redoing my horrible lack of physical exertion. I'm redoing my lack of effort to complete jobs for my photography business. And I might redo my toenail polish this evening to something sparkly, thanks to Karen from Sunshine's Heart blog for posting her fab glittery nail polish.

Diet and Exercise: I'm sure you all read about my whinyness BS about how I ate everything that was within sniffing distance of my snauze and the need to kick my own ass back into gear. Well, I did indeed get a little better last week, but totally blew it last Sat. night at a buddy's birthday party/drunkfest. But that's OK.  Because today's redo day. 

I've decided to start another diet. And do you believe it, I almost didn't tell you all.  It's just that I didn't want to you to think that I'm some 'hopping turbo diet trying bunny' that goes from one diet to the next. Because in my entire life I've only done about 4 diets, and two of them were this year.  So this new diet/eating plan would be my third for the year.  Is that bad? Yes? Fizzlesticks.  But here's my take on it: The first diet this year was the Herbalife shake thing, and I mainly wanted to do that to control some of my cravings and portion sizes. Since I started that right after the whole holiday food extravaganza (aka Christmas) where you eat till you look like Violet Beauregarde after ignoring Wonka and gobbles up some of the three course dinner gum and swells up like a giant blueberry, my portion sizes and the need to stuff my face was out of control.  And it worked great, I lost about 7 lbs with that diet.  Then it was Atkins, and really I only did this to try and get down below 150 for whatever special occasion at the time, and it worked. But I didn't like it so much. Just eating protein wasn't bad, but eating all the bacon and cheese I wanted didn't really seem like a 'healthy' approach.

Sooooooo, now I've decided to try the Dukan Diet.  (Thank you Middleton's for shedding light on this 'new' must do diet. Note sarcasm.) 

I bought the book and everything.

Now, I know what your thinking.....well, your probably thinking two things.....'Another diet, Laura!?' and 'You seriously considering that diet?'

Well, Yes....and....Yes.

I've almost completed the book and so far it's really interesting. Dr. Dukan really gives good tips on how to manage your weight, and produces compelling evidence on how to 'cure' yourself from being overweight.  I don't know if I believe the 'cure' crap, but I do believe someone can change their horrible eating plan into something healthy, and sustain it for life. 

The principles of the diet are high protein, low carb, low fat diet, where during the Attack Phase, first 3 days (this varies per person), you eat strictly fat free yogurt/cottage cheese/pudding plus eggs and all the lean meat that you want. Oh and take 1.5 T of oat bran, either in a little pancake or mixed with yogurt or something.  After that, you begin the Cruise Phase and mix the Pure Protein diet with a Protein/Vegetable diet.  Basically, eating everything stated above, but now you can eat veggies, alternating every other day.  I follow that phase for 48 days or until I reach my goal weight of 138. Next is the Consolidation Phase where you mix in some starch and sugars, like whole wheat grains and fruit, plus two 'celebration meals' a week that can be whatever you want.  This phase is really important because this would be the time when people revert back to their old ways, then end up quiting the diet and gaining all the weight back.  Finally is the Stabilization Phase, where you're allowed to eat anything but one day a week you eat the Pure Protein diet of lean meats and no carbs.

I chose this diet for many reasons, one of them being that yes, you will lose weight quickly, and I'm sorry, but who doesn't want to lose weight quickly? Even though there is a buttload of research saying the turtle wins the race on dieting, but I get soooo discouraged when I don't see the scale moving.  That's what makes me give up more than anything, I think.  I need constant 'rewards' for my hard work. Another reason is that it's going to force me to eat healthier.  No more fatty foods. No more alcohol....wait, what?  Shit.  Yep that's right. I'm going to try....again....to be as sober as possible.  I just need to make a change in that aspect of my life. There's been too many times already this year that I'll say, "its so nice outside, lets drink." Or, "it's my friend's B-Day, let's drink."  I need to learn that not everything is an excuse to 'pop a top'.  And it's not that healthy for me, so I might as well reign it in now. One more reason is that Dr. Dukan 'prescribes' exercise during this diet.  Granted, it's minimal, but whose to say I can't do more?  But I think if I pretend that he's really my Dr. and he's really coaching little ol' me, that I'll actually do it (I love living in fantasy lands where it's all about me.lol.).  Basically it's walking everyday, starting out for 20 minutes, then moving up to an hour.  But I bet I could start running again and all it's going to do is help me.

What I'm hoping to get out of this is learning to enjoy healthier foods so I don't turn to the crap food when I'm feeling awful (I know, I probably ought to deal with that too, I will, I promise).  I also want to control my carb eating, because I still have crazy cravings for tortilla chips that sometimes scares the shit out of me.

The book talks about after all phases are complete you can eat whatever you want and not gain weight (as long as you have one Pure Protein Day a week). I think that's a bunch of hooey.  If I eat whatever I want, I'm going to end up gaining all that flubber back.  Plus, the way I'm eating now is NOT healthy, so why would I want to go back to that?!  So that's the part of the diet that I'm going to modify a little.  I'll probably do the 'celebration meals' a few times a week, but the other times I'm going to stick to a lot of nonfat dairy, lean meats, veggies and fruits, and whole grain carbs.  Exactly what a healthy diet is supposed to be.  I guess this is just a means to an end for me.....to get to my 'real' diet, which is long term healthy eating. So, I guess going on another diet is OK then, right? 

Who the Hell cares. I want to do this! I AM going to do this! I'm going to be great at it! And I'm going to get healthier!

OK, there you have it. Diet #3 for me.  Lets all hope and pray to the weight loss Gods that I don't wuss out on this one.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I've gone coo-coo....

I just sat down to a yummy Yoplait Key Lime Pie yogurt (which, BTW, is ultra fab delish) and looked at the top of the lid and noticed the expiration date stamped on there is JUN 17. 

OK, no joke, here's my next few thought processes:

-Hmm, That's weird that they would sell expired yogurt at the store, I just picked that up yesterday.

I proceed to check the container to see how long it's good for after that date (like it would matter if I already think it's expired). Yep, says right there, 'Good for 7 days beyond sell-by-date'. 

-Well, crap, what am going to snack on now?!

It's only May people!

Did I take a turbo-time-traveling-rubber-ducky machine to July? (Don't ask why it's a rubber ducky, I don't know where I get this shit.)

Then, not caring if it's supposedly a month old, I try to dig in with a fork that I grabbed out of my silverware container.  (Just so you know, I keep all the spoons in their separate container, all the forks in theirs, and knives in another. They are all arranged OCD style on the top of my counter.  There's no mixing them up.)

Did aliens abduct me while I took a little snooze under my desk today and swap out my normally genius brain with that of a donkey's?

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and St. Peter. (As my friend Draz would say.)

I think the only cure for The Ditz is beer-thirty. Yes?

Arizona Trip - Final Installment #3

So, a million weeks after I went to AZ, I am finally getting the last day written about. Jeez.

And what makes matters worse, there really wasn't that much that happened on my last day. It's kinda like the weak sound that a whoopee cushion makes when it's not inflated enough. You know, like the ppfffzeeeesssss. Here goes:

Sunday morning in Green Valley consists of one thing and one thing only....bloody mary's and breakfast buffet at The Legion (OK, just realized that's really two things, oh well).  All those crazy people that I met there on Friday night (you remember, the crazy super skinny leather skin zebra print pant lady? And all the purple/gray football helmet hair and bright red lipstick?), they will now be cast in the bright and shininess rays of daylight.   Oh joy.  But there's one good, actually great, thing about this little adventure....BLOODY MARY'S.  An excuse to get liquored up early on 'God's Day'.  Praise be to the Lord.

Oh, and did I mention that bloody mary's are on special on Sunday, so they were like 2 bucks?! Loooove It!

The whole fam-dam-ily walked right in the front door to the Legion, paid for our buffet tickets and went straight to the bar.  God I love my family.  Screw the food....we need Vodka!  The poor bartender wasn't even set up yet. (Apparently she didn't get the memo that the Sheik's were in town and they like their alcohol. Early.)

After a glorious feast of fried everything and maple syrup covered goodiness, we waddled back to the cars to go back to my Aunt and Uncle's pool. Because, of course, what else do you do after you gorge yourself, at 11am in the morning....Go get a red beer and sit by the glistening water.

But before we left, we had to say a sad goodbye to my wonderful cousin Corey, Jessica, and my adorable Godson Akahi.  They had to catch a flight back to Florida, so my Aunt drove them to Tucson.

Once we got back to the house, all was going perfect for about 3 lazy hours: I read my book, put on sunscreen, refilled my drink, read my book, got in the pool, took a little mini-nap, read my book, etc.  Then 2 o'clock rolls around and Hardy (my Mom's boyfriend) started to get a little antsy.  Apparently, he is not made up of the same relaxed material my mother and I are where you can just lay around ALL day and read.  He was hungry, he needed nourishment pronto.  So my mom and him go off to get food.  I, of course, didn't want to leave the side of the pool, because I didn't want to hurt it's feelings.

They were gone for about 30 minutes.  As they pull up, I'm thinking, 'that can't be enough time to go eat somewhere.'  Yeppers, I was right, they didn't eat somewhere, they brought the grocery store to us. Seriously.  Hardy starts carting in bag after bag after bag full of food.  Keep in mind, there are only three of us at the house right now, and when my Aunt and Uncle get back, that makes a whooping 5 individuals. Not an army, not a elementary school, just a small family. What the H-E-double L's is he doing?

Well, he said, "I want Mexican food.  I need something to go with my Corona." Makes perfect sense.

And if Hardy is going to cook, then by God, he's going to cook for every person that resides in a 5 mile radius.  But it was delicious, ground beef and bean burritos with lettuce and salsa, some sort of sour cream/cream cheese/salsa dip with tortilla chips, and of course, Coronas.

That leaves us full for the next decade, so the rest of the afternoon and evening we just relaxed.  About dark time (at this time the bloody mary's, corona's, and whatever else I've been drinking all day is starting to get to me so I don't remember the exact time, but it was dark) my Aunt Jeannie, mom and I decide to pay the grandparents a visit.  So we hop in the 'boat' and cruise on down the road. 

Funny thing, there is something wrong with the blinker when you turn it on if you want to make a right turn.  The left turn way is fine, does the little beep....beep....beep.  But when you turn it to the right, it's like it just took a hit of coke mixed with a 12 pack of Red Bull. It goes: beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep.  Well, us being the so talented mechanic women we are, figure we need to stop and make sure that it's actually working before we trudge off into the night.  So we pull over in, I think, in an Bank of America parking lot to check it out.  My Aunt jumps out of the car and heads to the back. Mom (who's driving) turns on the left way, the normal way, and my Aunt's like, "Yep, that works fine."  Now on to the entertainment....the right way, crazy coked up way.  My Aunt proceeds to do a little jig in the middle of the parking lot, to the tune of the hyperactive blinker lights.  Complete with fingers in the air and hips swaying back in forth in rapid succession.

I have now just entered the Twilight Zone.

And I now will have to go back to Kansas and confess to my husband that he did not marry into a low-key, totally sane family.  We're all looney tunes. And that because the gene's in my family are abnormally strong, I will most likely be the lady dancing in parking lots in the middle of the night someday.  Poor husband.

Besides the little 'blinker' episode, that's about the extent of the Sunday fun.  Monday afternoon I hopped on a big flying toilet paper roll (also known as an airplane) and blasted off towards Kansas.  Once back, I walked up to my little shiny black sedan and found a GIANORMOUS scratch and dent in the drivers side.  Wonderful.  Apparently some A-Hole side-swiped my door with his bumper when he was pulling out of the parking space.  Thanks a lot jerk-wad.  Didn't leave a business card, no 'I'm sorry I just ruined your whole exhausting day by not paying a BIT of attention when behind the wheel' note stuck under the windshield wiper, nothing.  Note to everyone: If you ding a persons car, dent the door, or otherwise do something to someone else's vehicle that leaves it not looking the same as before whatever you did....Leave an efffing note with your contact information! Or at least an apology.

OK. Now I'm all worked up over the car thing. Bastard.

Alright, I gotta go. Work to be done. Until next time my love bunnies!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ben & Jerry's and Bathing Suits

I have re-found my love of bathing suits.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't re-found that skinny ass that once fit all nice and tight in the bathing suits. Quite the opposite. I've just re-found the places where I used to purchase the bathing suits....Old Navy and Newport News.  Thank you Jesus for these fine establishments of cheap swim wear.

Can I just say that I don't care if my watermelon-thunder-thighs (I think I might nickname them Ben) and my enormously large bubble butt (it's name is going to be Jerry) are so grotesque that normal patrons at the lake/pool will be offended if I wear a swimsuit, let alone a bikini.  Because, damn it, it's summer, and by God I'm going to bring on the 'sun-cancer' (aka tanning) to redefine as much of my pasty self that I can. (Of course, without being totally nude. That would just leave scares on people that I'm just not willing to accept at this point in my unhealthiness state. So you're welcome; for sparing you that awfullness.)

Anyways, here's the new swim wear purchase for this year: (All be thankful that I am not modeling these with the previous stated 'Ben and Jerry's)

Please pardon the dirty dog blanket at the top. It's supposed to be white.
Wyatt like's dirt, apparently.)

Aren't they just the cutest things EVAH?! (BTW, the reason they're all triangle tops is because my acorns look soooo much better in that style. Just in case you were wondering.)

Wanna know how much all three cost me??!! Huh? Do ya? Do ya?

Grand total: $50.00

That's right ladies, be jealous. I am the pay-absolutely-hardly-anything-sale-aholic-shopping QUEEN!

Bow down to me. Because I am the shiz-nit.

(OK, you don't really have to bow down. But if you like them I'd love to hear your opinions!)

Kicking my own ass.

Do you ever just have a few really poopy weeks that you throw your good diet, exercise plan, and all the healthy sense you have worked so hard on for months right out the freaking window so it goes *SPLAT* on the concrete then a semi-truck drives by and it goes *SHMOOOOOCH* under it's tires? Yes? I'm not alone? Thank the ever loving Lord.

Why is it that when something bad happens, our lives are derailed for a bit, and/or our routine hits a little speed bump that we revert to our 'old', comfortable, completely batshit-horrible-for-you ways?  Then we continue in those ways till the scale creeps up to a weight that we spend 2 months trying to shrink?  And finally, once at this new, makes-me-want-to-take-an-ice-pick-to-the-scale-and-feed-it-to-a-wood-chipper weight, we kick our own ass for being so weak, stupid, out of control, etc.?


Why is it a visious circle? Why can't I just realize that all that crap food I just shoved down my gullet is doing nothing but making me feel slightly better for a fraction of a second? And when that second passes, I feel even worse because I realize I ate crap for nothing.

Jeez-la-weez. I'm a hot mess.

I have a garden full of fresh spinach and lettuce. I have chicken in the freezer, just waiting to be baked.  I have low-fat cheese, fresh veggies, and yogurt to snack on just sitting in the fridge.  But what do I choose instead? I choose to order a large pizza with 18 toppings, then polish that off with a bucket of potato salad, 2 brownies, super buttered popcorn and pudding. All before noon yesterday. Christ.

Well, the little devil scale informed me this morning that because I eat like a 367lb trucker, I am going to end up weighing like a 367lb trucker if I don't change my ways.

And you know what's in 2 weeks? Memorial weekend. You know what happens on Memorial weekend? I shove my bubble butt and watermelon-thunder-thighs into a swimsuit.  Thank the effing Lord above that no one but my husband and his parents will see this atrocity.  But still, we have a wedding in 3 weeks and I really, really, REALLY wanted to look extra spectacular.

Holy crap. Do you hear that? The whiny bitch from 'fat' Hell has come out and taken over my voice.

Don't worry, I just roundhouse kicked the snot of her and stuffed her back to the flames of misery.

Ok, so pep talk time:

Get up off your jiggle and eat a freaking salad!!! Walk the eagerly waiting pup tonight for at least 20 minutes and promise yourself that you will do that at least 4 times a week.  Get the frozen poultry out of the damn freezer and bake the shit out of it.  Go to the freaking grocery store and get the much needed nutrition that the fridge is lacking. And quit being suck a whiner.

(I don't know if you all have ever experienced this before, but basically you just read someone kicking their own ass.)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Weeds and a Walk

Last weekend I went to my Mom's house. I woke up Saturday morning and started to clean the kitchen and notice that there was something in the sink, defrosting.  I opened the bag and found this:
I know, horrible picture, but my phone sucks. It's a ziplock bag of green stuff, labeled: WEEDS.

What the hell.

I turn to my mom and ask, "What's with the WEEDS?" She replies, "I know, there's tons of it in the freezer. I asked Hardy (mom's boyfriend): Is there something I need to know? Are we storing marijuana in the freezer now?"

I just about shit my pants.

My mom just said marijuana.

I'm like, mom, no one says 'marijuana', it's called 'pot'.

And here's her reply, which by the way isn't that much better than having pot in the freezer: "oh, it's really milkweed, Hardy says it's amazing. It's like a delicacy."

Really?! Milkweed?!

Who in the Christ All Heaven eats milkweed?

Well, apparently Hardy does. Along with all Native Americans. They fight over it. Seriously.

I say this all the time, it should be a theme with me now, but....You can't make this shit up.


I was having a pity party earlier and a good friend of mine said this (after I complained about not exercising for like, ever): "take some walks solely for the purpose of being out in nature, relax, breathe."

So that's what I did. I came home, grabbed the leash and made Puppy's day by going out on a little jaunt. Here he is, half way through:
Note Blaze Orange collar and camo leash. Could we be more hick?

He thinks he's about to die because he's had 'strenuous' physical excursion for a total of 10 minutes and I'm abusing him because I forgot to bring his trusted water bottle to drink out of.

I told him to buck up.

Arizona Trip - Installment #2

I hear through the Sheik tell-a-thon (otherwise known as family gossip) that some of my family would really, really like to hear more about my Arizona trip. Apparently, the Installment #1 was just hilarious to them. As it should be, because it involved some of them.

I also want to make note, for some of you that maybe haven't read all the comments on the installment #1, that the beer pitchers at the Legion went up 50 cents, not a quarter.  Just so we're all clear of the atrocity of this inflation.

OK, so Day 2 in Green Valley started off blissfully: I woke up at about 9am, which is really sleeping in for me, came out to the kitchen to fresh coffee and my cousin Corey awake.  We proceeded to take said coffee out by the pool for a little morning conversation.  Can you say: AWESOME?! It was sunny, mildly breezy and just plain gorgeous.  The only thing that could have made it better was a little Bailey's in the coffee. (Note to Aunt Jeannie: you need to be more of an enforcer on the liquor in the morning.)  Just kidding....maybe.

After breakfast and morning chats, Aunt Jeannie and I went on a great 3 mile walk around her little housing development. We talked family 'shop', about Grandpa and Grandma and what-have-you.  The entire time I'm walking by the way, I'm thinking two things: First:, 'Shit Laura, for all the exercise you've been doing lately, your Aunt is kicking your ass on this walking stuff!'  I mean she was booking it! Barely winded. And here I am, trying to keep up without tripping on my own feet and falling face first in the gravel in front of her and the geezers (and I write that word with respect) driving by in their Plymouth boats.  (I just want to put a little note in here, because I know my aunts reading this, that she is a HUGE exerciser, so for her to smoke me in our little outing is totally justified.)  The second thing is I was constantly looking at the ground , under every bush, and tree, at shadows, and whatever else for a freaking rattle snake to come slithering out to bite my leg off.  Reason being for this reaction is because my ever-so-loving-always-looking-out-for-my-best-interests other Uncle Larry sent me an email right before I left for AZ about how some lady in either Green Valley, or somewhere in AZ, found some rattler on her back porch one morning, all coiled and ready to attack. Good God, Mother of Pearl. But luckily no snakes all weekend. (Thank you God for keeping them at bay. And thank you Larry for freaking me the Hell out!)

My mom and her 'friend' (as she calls him, he's really her boyfriend) Hardy were coming in on Saturday afternoon, so to give my Aunt and cousin a break from the airport drive, which is about 30 min away, I decided to go pick them up.  So there I go, hopping in my Grandpa's boat and cruise up to Tucson.  By the way, do you know how cool it is to cruise up to Tucson in a car the size of an Airbus, complete with tricked out beige leather seats that could hold an NFL football player and a cassette player? Well, it's cool. 

Their plane was delayed a bit, so I had to wait in the parking lot.  Wanna know why they were late??? Well, I'm going to tell you.  Here comes my Mom, bee-bopping out of the terminal, and gives me a big hug and says, "Oh My God, you will not beee-lieve why we were delayed!" "Really?", I ask.  And she starts into this WHOLE huge long story and I'm like, "Mother we're still at the terminal, can we at least get in the car?!"  I look at Hardy and he just rolls his eyes.  Once in the car, the story starts over.  One thing you have to know about my Mom is she can talk....A LOT.  I've mentioned this before, but thought I'd give you all a little refresher, it's just simply a...maz...ing that she can blab about nothing in particular for such a long period of time.  It's a skill, I swear.  Oh, and she repeats stories about every other story. So by the time we hit Green Valley, I'd heard the same stories 1646 times.  Anyways, the reason why they were late was because when they were sitting on the tarmac of the Kansas City Airport, they had been sitting there a little while and finally the stewardess or pilot or some doo-da got on the intercom and is like, "Attention Ladies and Gentlemen, there is going to be a slight delay in takeoff because a crack has been found in the door to the airplane. It's going to need replaced before we leave and we're waiting for the new door."  You've got to be kidding me, I ask her.  There was a freaking CRACK in the door to the airplane?!  That's the kind of shenanigans that you hear about on the news!  Well, obviously they got it fixed and she made it OK; thank the Good Lord.

Fast forward. We get to my Aunt's, say all the 'Hellos', then load Mom and Hardy to my other Aunt's house, where they were going to stay for the week, and back we drove to my Aunt's.  It's beer-thirty by this point so we all dig in.  Even though it's Saturday night, the evening was pretty laid back.  Apparently in Green Valley, the 'it' night to get all loco is Friday night (which I described in Installment #1), and Sat. night is for relaxing.  Or at least, relaxing and drinking at your own humble abode. 

Uncle Charlie got the grill fired up and Aunt Jeannie went to get my grandparents and bring them back for a family dinner.  It was so cute to see my grandparents together, they still love each other more than ever, even after ump-teenth million years they've been married.  And Grandma looked so adorable with her little football helmet hairdo and bright pink lipstick.  We sat and chatted and drank some brewskies and ate and just had a glorious time.  My cousin Corey even did a little presentation for my Grandpa, that I really think took his breath away.  See, Corey's in the Navy and he was able to obtain an American Flag that was flown over our Afghan base, during battle I might add, and gave it to my Grandpa with a signed letter from a super high up Naval officer.  In Corey and I's eyes, and probably every one of my cousin's and family members, our Grandfather is a hero.  He was never able to serve his country because of a shoulder injury, and he never saved some person or did anything dramatic,  he was simply a great father, grandfather, husband, and man.  He grew up during the depression, came from little, got himself educated, went to work at a bank, and eventually bought that bank.  My Grandmother and him birthed and raised 6 amazing kids (5 girls and 1 boy; poor Uncle Bill) that have all gone on to make great successes in their lives.  They're all educated, have or had wonderful and satisfying jobs, have amazing faith and fantastic morals. And each of them had kids that turned out equally great.  I have an ass-load of cousins; we are all close, we all talk, and we all have a relationship that, I think, defies the norm. 

Each person's family is different.  Even in my own family, I have great relatives and crappy relatives. But in the Sheik family we all have a unique relationship that is hard to get anywhere.  We actually love each other, and want to be around each other.  I mean, I could call any of my Aunts my Mom, because they all took care of us. And I could call any of my cousin's my sibling, because we played and argued and partied and talk like siblings.  I don't mean to brag, I really don't. It's just that I am so lucky to have that side of my family, and, well, OK, maybe I mean to brag. Just a little.  And all that wouldn't have been possible without my Grandfather.  (And he said, "Well, your Grandmother had something to do with it too!" So cute.)

OK, sorry to get all gushy.

Here's the whole crazy lot:

Left to right: My mom Julie, Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Charlie, Corey holding Akahi, Jessica (Corey's wife)
Me and Grandpa Jim and Grandma Margie in the front.

Aren't they just the cutest?!
 OK, so that sums up Saturday. Tune in soon for the final installment....Day #3!

Friday, May 13, 2011

A glimse of the Wiksten's doing household chores...

A little background on this conversation that happened last night between my husband and I: I wear padded bra's.  I like to wear padded bra's. The acorns that God gave me need all the help they can get, mmkay?

So, my husband thinks he's a comedian:

Ryan (as he walks into our bedroom with a basket full of laundry): Hey, you gonna help with this or not?

Me (all curled up snug as a bug on our couch): Ya, just give me a minute.

I walk into the bedroom and start folding the jeans.

Ryan: Um, I found your boobs in the washer, here you go. (He hands me two pads from my bra that was washed).

Me (bending over laughing so hard that I can't breath): Well, why didn't you dry them?

Ryan (with a totally straight faced, sober look): Well, I didn't want them to shrink.

I'm basically curled up on the floor, laughing, holding myself, because I'm about to pee my pants. And Ryan's got tears in his eyes he's laughing so hard.

How does he come up with this shit?

A BIG thank you, some info, and it's good to be back.

First of all, I was about to go batshit crazy because little bloggerland was in limbo for the last 12 hours.  I couldn’t get access to the site, couldn't post, and couldn't read anyone else's post; the little mysterious blogger-mechanics posted miniscule ‘status updates’ (which were totally uninformative by the way) that made no sense and didn’t give me the clarification that I wanted….like: WHEN CAN I GET BACK ON Dipshits! 
Second of all, it’s still not up to precision working order. Those little dipshits better get on the ball before some lunatic weight loss fanatics, totally blog-obsessed, people hunt them down like Blade hunting down blood-sucking vampires. Christ I need to have a serious mental eval about my addiction to this site.
OK, here’s the real reason I’m posting…..I’m back.
Well, I never really went anywhere. Technically.
And before I delve into all that disaster, I want to say thank you.  Thank you to everyone that follows me, supported me, and gave me your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement during this difficult time.  Thank you for all your advice and for just being there when I needed someone the most. It’s simply amazing to me that someone who just started blogging a few months ago, could have some of the greatest friends (that I’ve never met physically) in such a short amount of time.  I think I’ve gone my whole life talking to only one or two other females and considered them my ‘friends’.  Yet, I’ve found so many wonderful women on this little adventure in Blogland and still can’t believe that in such a short amount of time I could have so many good friends. You all awe and inspire me every day, you give me strength and comfort, and you all just plain kick ass.  So thank you again. For everything you do and for how wonderful you are.
Ok, enough with the mushy-gooshy. I’m starting to get a little teary-eyed.
Moving on…
That’s the name of the game right now: Moving On. We all deal with horrible events in our life.  I think I was lucky to not really have to deal with death until I was a teenager in high school.  Even if I would have had to deal with it when I was young, I don’t think I would have been mature enough to understand it anyway. Death is just a fact of life. We all know that. We all know that one day our body is going to give out and we will transition onto the next phase of our existence. Whether that is Heaven, Hell, or whatever you believe in.  It’s your age at which your body gives out that becomes the real issue, I think. 
I’ve had a lot of death in my family this year. And each one was completely different from the other.  One death was cancer, taking my stepdad in mid-life.  Another was old age, where Ryan’s grandmother lived a glorious life to near her 90s, and her body and mind were just ready for the ‘next step’. And this last one is just a tragic loss at the most early of ages.  I’m not going to get into a whole lot of detail, because of a few reasons: 1. I’m not sure how other people, namely family members, will feel about me putting all this out there. And 2. I just don’t really know many of the details.
But basically my nephew passed away from complications of birth.  My sister-in-law (actually they’re not married, but have been together a long time so I consider her my SIL) was due to have him May 2nd, but that day came and went with not even a glimpse of labor pains.  Instead of inducing labor, my brother and SIL decided to wait and keep the birth as natural as possible.  She went into labor on May 8th, but unfortunately the baby didn’t survive.  He was to be their first.
There are no words to describe the enormous effect this has had and will have on my family.  For me, I’ve been completely numb since I found out.  As for my parents, my brother, and everyone else in the family, I just don’t know.  They’ve all closed off pretty tight, which is understandable, but still leaves a deep pit in my soul because I want to be there and help them and support them.  I am a nurturing type of person; I’m always willing to comfort and support someone in need whether that person is my mailman or my husband. So not being able to do what comes so natural to me is extremely difficult.  That’s why when I wrote ‘I’m back, technically’ because I didn’t end up going to Colorado to be with my family.  I stayed right here in my little world in Kansas.  They chose to want to be by themselves.  And that’s ok, I’m dealing with it, and moving on.
Good news….
I’m starting to be my old funny, happy-go-lucky, sometimes totally bitchy, pain in the ass self.  I’ve missed you all, but do know that I’ve been keeping up with all of you!  I just haven’t felt like commenting.  There were times (when I totally should have been working, kinda like now) that I got on to read all about your latest adventures and was laughing so hard tears were running down my face.  Or if it was a problem or quest for advice, I was thinking in my head what I would write, which took my mind off everything else. 
Now I’m ready to be the full force blog-ista that you all love to pieces. Look out now! Yup, I’m kickin’ ass and takin’ names. Boo-Yaa!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Brief leave of absence...

Hey everyone.

Just wanted to let you know that I'll be taking a little break from blogging, for about a week or so.  There has been a death in my family, and I've got to go be with my family in Colorado for the week.

As of right now, I don't really want to talk about it, so I apologize if this is sorta leaving you hanging.

But know that it was unexpected and extremely devastating. I'm still in shock.

I just wanted to let you all know that I won't be commenting or posting, and I didn't want you to think I left you all.  I'll be back, I promise!

Take care.

Friday, May 6, 2011

This is what I do.

I love to hang out at a little place I like to call my backyard.....
Style tip #156: Always match your purple nail polish with your coozy.

Note to self: get a bigger pair of sunglasses. Obviously those aren't BIG enough.
This is a little post to show you how freaking rockin' my backyard 'bar' is.  I mean, cold beer in the fridge (only steps away), beautiful sunshine, and i've got the tunes blarin'.

Now the only thing missing is company.

Any of you near Wichita, just pop on over. (I might even share my beer!)


Arizona Trip, Installment #1

Hello all my little cuddlebears! I have missed you something FIERCE!

You know how you go on a vacation and it's amazing and fun and the best time of your life, then you get back to the boring reality of your daily existence and you realise you need a vacation from your vacation? Well, that's what happened to me this week and that's why I haven't been the super-duper blogger that I try to be.

But I'm back in the saddle now! Hang on to your reading glasses, because this one's a doozy.

My little mini vacation was fantastic! Absolutely stupendous! Downright fun-tastic! Oh, and the stories I gotta tell ya! Put on your Depends people, you just might pee your pants.

Arizona Trip, Installment #1: (yes, there are so many stories that's it's going to take installments)

The glorious trip started off traveling from miserable Kansas (and by miserable I mean it was 50 degrees with winds at 50 mph; oh...I looked super pretty with my hair blowing straight up and in front of my eyes, dragging my suitcase behind me as it almost blows away) headed to Green Valley, Arizona.  Green Valley is a little retirement community south of Tucson, nestled next to some beautiful mountains and kinda sitting down in a little valley. The weather was a very comfortable 85 degrees when I arrived Friday afternoon. I jumped off that P.O.S. puddle-jumper (jankity airplane) and did a little happy dance in the Tucson Airport because I was #1...alive, and #2 in absolute Heaven!

Next stop: the Rosengarten residence in Green Valley!!!
Beautiful view from my aunt's house.
My cousin Corey, his wife Jessica, and my sooo adorably amazing, handsome, and cute-as-a-button godson picked me up at the airport and we traveled the 25 miles south to my Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Charlie's house.

Akahi Rosengarten: My B. E. A. Utiful Godson

My Cousin Corey, Jessica, and Akahi
Let me just say that their house is A.MAZ.ING! It's the adobe style with tile floors, big windows, with high ceilings and a beautiful view.  The mountains are out front, and the pool is out back.
There is also a pool cabana, to the left of this picture, with a little potty, shower, and bar....fully stocked bar I might add. I mean, at least the fridge was full of brewskies, which is all I needed!

I literally threw my bags into my guest room and went straight for the cabana and the beer. (I know, shocking right?)  I had a few beers, caught up with my family and off we went again......this time to the VFW or The Legion.  Yep, that's right, we're going to the 'old folks bar' for a good time tonight. YIPEE (note sarcastic tone).  The whole ride over there, which was all of 10 minutes, I was thinking, "the VFW?! What?!".  But, we pulled up and there were cars everywhere! Looked like there was a serious par-tay goin' on inside, if you get my drift.  Ok, I thought, this'll be interesting.

We went in the back door, don't ask me why, but as we walked in, I looked around and my mouth hit the floor. The sight I saw was shocking. There was a bar that went along one ENTIRE long wall, then tables in front of that, and A LOT of tables I might add, then there was a dance floor....and it was packed! There were little old men and little old ladies all over the place, ages ranging anywhere from 50ish to 100.  They're dancing and talking and laughing and drinking! And the music was LOUD (probably because everyone had hearing aides, but who's judging), and of course 50s and 60s stuff, but still pretty cool.  All these grey little heads bobbing up and down and jiving to the rhythm; it was hilarious!

Then the bombardment happened.

Curly white fro's turned toward us like heat seeking missiles and started to close in.  I'm sure they were thinking: 'fresh meat!'  (I might add that we had my 6 month old godson with us, which is probably what all the attention was about.)  Little grannies were surrounding us, cooing and cuddling and saying, "oh, what a beautiful baby. Oh, and who are these other people?" That's when my aunt jumped in to tame the herd and started introducing me to about a million people that I will probably never see again.  Some had bluish-grey hair, others just pure white, all with bright lipstick, tons of blush and 'loud' outfits; and Oh My God the perfumes! One lady looked like she lived in a tanning bed for 95 years, and to accent her leathery skin she dyed her coiffure a silver/black zebra print style and wore sequin silver leather pants with a black biker-style-ish t-shirt, complete with sparkles. Very elegant.

After the chaos of the 'newbies' settled down a bit, the beers literally started pouring in. These tiny glasses were set on our table along with gigantic pitchers of beer.  And you wanna know how much that refreshing pitcher cost???? A beggarly $5.50!!!! Five dollars and fifty cents, are you for real old people? Yeah, and the couple sitting at our table, who were the sweetest people ever, said, "yes, and the prices just went up. Your uncle was a mighty pissed about that." "How much did it go up?", I asked. "Oh, I think about twenty-five cents."


That's just wrong.  And my uncle is irate that he's gotta pay a quarter more for a pitcher.  Holy beejeezus.

We stayed there for about an hour and a half, till the band stopped playing, which was about 9:30pm. Then the place cleared out. I mean, one minute it's packed, the next minute everyone decided it's way past their bedtime and they need to get home and put on their moo-moos and sleeping caps.

So, we headed for my Uncle Charlie's '2nd favorite bar': Los Agaves. (There's only 3 bars he shows his face to: the Legion #1, the Los Agaves, and the Legion #2. Seriously.)

This time we left the baby at home and it was just my cousin, aunt, uncle and I that visited this fine establishment. And you will not believe this place.  It's about the size of the bathroom at a McDonald's, with 3 half round booths and a bar that had 8 stools lined up to it.  I mean, you were butt to butt with some 85 year old dude and there was nada you could do about it.  Again, everyone in the place was 50ish to 100, except the bartender, whose name was Trent...or Trevor....I think.  Anyways, he was about my age; had a huge attitude problem with a side of smart-ass. My kinda man.

And in the middle of ALL of this was a karaoke machine.  (Just keeps gettin' better and better people. You can't make this shit up.)

When we walked in, there was a little ol' Mexican dude, about 75, singing some love song in Spanish. Perfect.  I was about 2 steps away from him (granted I was about 2 steps away from everyone in that bar) and he made eye contact with me. Crap.  He sauntered over (BTW, never seen anyone saunter, but this guy did it) and starts serenading me. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  I officially entered the retirement twilight zone.

The night went on, beers went down smooth, and songs were sang.  When I thought nothing could top my night, in walked a lady by the name of Lil' Bit.  She is my new idol, by the way.  Topping the ripe young age of 90, standing at a mighty 4 foot 8 inches and weighing a mere 95 pounds, she was decked out in all red, complete with red lipstick and a newly dyed hairdo.  It was like the seas parted; people hugged the walls to give her room.  And boy-o did she need room.  She wasn't large by any means, she just needed a little boogey room, because she was gettin' down tonight.  She shook that tush like Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussy Cat Dolls. She even did a little pole dance to some Macho Man.  It was fantastic.

I'd never seen anything like it.  90 years old, out on a Friday night at midnight, gettin' her groove on.  Priceless. That is so me when I grow up (watch out Ryan, you're going to have your hands full)!

All this happened just on Friday night.  That's the way the trip started. Old folks bar and Lil' Bit.  You just can't ask for a more entertaining way to begin your vacation. 

Friday night was the best, but just wait till you hear what we did on Sat. and Sun.!

Installment # 2 to come soon!