Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

Another round of completely random shit that is my life, just to make your sweet little day.

1.  Holy f*cking bank transactions. Here's a little word of advice: NEVER CHANGE YOUR NAME ON YOUR PAYPAL ACCT. Never Ever. EverEverEver. It's like I have to get permission from Congress in order to get my real freaking name on there. Not that I had a fake name or anything. I just got married........3 years ago. And haven't bothered to change it. Until now. But I needed to transfer some money and I had to jump through 13 poop burning hoops of death in order to get it done. So glad that's over with now. Whew.
2. In between our endless partying, shopping, booze consuming, and crapfood fest last weekend, we made a big decision. Huge actually. Monumental. I could give two shits really. Well, maybe three. But it's something the Hubby has wanted forever:

Yes, yes, we bought a Traeger grill. (A Traeger is a souped up smoker that costs more than 3 of my car payments. Just so you know where I'm coming from here.)
Oh the joy.
I might add that you can see our regular grill behind Ryan in the 2nd photo.
But what you can't see pictured is that we also have a propane smoker too.
Three grills.

Really, I'm pretty excited. We're going to get rid of the other two grills and just keep the Traeger. It cooks food like it was birthed by the Gods of Amazing. Everything comes out perfect ,with a little hint of smoke flavor that just makes your mouth feel like it's doing cartwheels on crack, with a Red Bull chaser. So far we've tried chicken and brats. FANTASTIC! And we're going to try a roast, ribs, jerky, turkey, burgers, steaks........oh the possibilities are endless!!!

There was some drama in our first cooking experience, basically the dumbshit that built the thing wired it wrong, so we ended up damn near burning our house down. But Traeger redeemed themselves and are sending us a brand new one. But in the mean time we re-wired the 'bad' one so we can still use it.

Like, how do you wire the freaking thing wrong and then sell it for $1000?!?! Like, I just don't get it. Apparently your little worker bees need to go back to 2nd grade.

3.  I have the best email conversation for you. Simply classic. It's with RockBand Barbie, and it happened yesterday. I love her comment, but I think my response is just priceless.

RockBand Barbie has left a new comment on your post "I'm special.": -You are totally special and then some :) Hey, did you know that I have NEVER even tasted beer??? (Not alcohol in general, just beer) Perhaps in Chicago I shall let you burst my beer virginity :)

We're not even going to talk about the tragedy of her not ever having a beer. Nope, not going to even think of such a sin. Anyways, this is my response:

omg. i totally just snorted at the beer virginity thing.
it'd be so much better if i snorted beer. but alas, i'm still working. but i'm thinking about bringing in one of those bra/beer holder things that make you look like you have big boobs, but it's filled with beer and there's this secret little straw and I can just slurp all day, at work. And of course it'd be like mini-refridgerated in there. I don't know how but it would. but yet, my real tatas would not get chilled. And when i slurp all the booze out, it inflates with air, so my tatas still look huge. i think i need to invent one of those things. i also think this whole conversation is going on my TTT tomorrow. yes. yes it is.

And yes, yes I am going to pop your beer cherry in BOOBs. you can just take a sip of mine. cause you probably won't like it. most people don't if they've never tasted it. i prefer to think of it as an acquired taste. it makes me sound more classy and less trashy. ya know?

I'd like to go ahead and point out that we're all a little 'special' around here. Clearly. Because non-special people do not have these sort of convos. At least I don't think they do. Considering I'm in the 'special' club, I don't really know what the losers at the 'non-special' club talk about. But it's definitely not as cool as that shit above.

4.  We finally got some mother freaking rain last weekend. Spank you very much Mother Nature! So I thought I better check on my little garden and see if it's still kickin'. Last night I trolled down there and 1st off found this:
That is my cherry tomato plant that has like 4,397,981 blooms on it. I am going to be swimming in cherry tomatoes soon. Or more like drowning. Work buddies-I hope you're ready for a cherry tomato Apocalypse!!! Because it's a'comin'.

Then I decided to inspect my carrots.
Holy mother of bunny balls.
And that's just HALF of them!!!!

Look at this bad boy:
We got ourselves a little over-achiever here.

Oh, and this is the best one. I don't have any man-pant carrots like LAST YEAR. But this one is quite possibly better than man-pant carrots:
I'll let y'all make your own determination about what THAT looks like. (You dirty little freaks!)

Oh, and Draz, I know you don't like veggies, but penis-shaped carrots from the garden are the best. I'm sending you this one. I think it's appropriate. I'll even clean it for you. ;-)

5. I'm tired of people bothering me at work. WHY CAN'T Y'ALL JUST LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE?!?! Seriously, there is more shit that rolls around in my noggin in 4 minutes than most people's entire day. I'm not kidding. Right now I've got 5 different projects that I'm working on simultaneously, with 6 different people, and they all want me to figure out all the answers right.this.MINUTE.



I'm sorry I'm such a badass at my job, but that does not qualify me to do your job too. Nope, it does not.

6.  Soooooo. I've been on a little beer bender these last few months. It's not good. And I know it. But it just tastes so good! (Said in a really annoyingly whiny voice.)
But I need to cut it out.
So, I'm thinking of giving it up for a little bit. Starting after Labor Day. I still need to get my Labor Day drink on people, I'm not getting that crazy.
I'm going to need some help from y'all. I'll probably flood the blogosphere with how bitchy and cranky and crabby I am without my lovah Bud Light. You're just going to have to deal. (Note to my accountability buddies: I will be texting you all the time about wanting a beer. DON'T LET ME DO IT!)

7. My husband just texted me that his company bought 3 of these today:
And he said, 'I don't know what we're going to use them for. But I know no one in Kansas has one!'
He's very excited.
Should I be worried that my husband gets so excited over big dirt hauling machinery?
Maybe I should dress up in a bulldozer costume and take our bedroom life to a whole other level. That could be fun. And weird. Nevermind, very weird.

8.  I'm sorta missing the Olympics.

Well, really I miss seeing this:

9. Ok, I've got a question for you: How do you make yourself exercise? I mean, I've been in a non-exercising funk for months. I just don't wanna do it. At all. I set my workout cloths out, I set my alarm, I pump myself up all day if I'm going to work out at night, I've tried 'rewarding' myself. Nothing is working!!!

I need to get back into running. It makes me feel good! It's good for me!
I know this. I just can't seem to get my ass in gear.

And I need to get a handle on my eating habits. Holy fat kid relapse, I've put some hideous stuff in my hole lately.
Like, I had Mac & Cheese last night. MAC & CHEESE?!?! What is wrong with me?! Why does it's cheesy goodness have to taste so damn fantastic?!?! 
Alright Laura, you need to move more and stop shoving shit in your mouth!!!!
You can do this!!!
Stop being a fatty!!!
Start being healthy!!!
OK, break. (like in a huddle, ya know? no? don't get it? just go with it.)

10.  It's the last weekend at the lake for another YEAR?! It's also the last 'unofficial' weekend of the summer. Both of these things put me in a bad mood and i feel sorta homicidal. Just sorta.

And you know what the weather is supposed to be like in Missouri?????
F*cking rain. RainRainRain. All day. All weekend.
Now, I know I just spanked Mother Nature for the rain we got last weekend, but come on! Labor Day weekend full of rain?! It's such bullshit.

I want sunshine, and 95 degree temps, and floating on the boat in the middle of nowhere with unlimited access to a full cooler.

But I guess I can shit in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up fastest. Please be the want hand, please.

Oh well. I guess I'll just stock the Kindle up on some good readin' and sit on the screened in porch and drink. All.Day.Long.
That sorta sounds fun, right?

Have a fantastic Labor Day y'all!!!!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I'm special.

And not in the I can belch the latest Katy Perry song all while doing a headstand kind of way.
I totally can do that by the way.

No, I'm special because I'm BOOB of the Day!!!!!

Some of you know what that is, but other's may not. I'm part of an elite and gorgeous group of crime no, that's not right.....we're FAT fighters!!!! And we have cool costumes and everything.

Seriously, it's a group of women that have come together to share their weight loss stories and their hopes, joys, struggles, and frustrations in not only the weight department but in real life too. They've not only become my friends but my family too! I'm going to meet most, but not all, of them in Sept. for a little conference beerdrinkingshoppingtillwedrop thing.

So here's the LINK again, if you'd like to read about some questions I answered about my health journey!

Wedding Recap Shenanigans

Before I get into the particulars of how much of a fab-u-loso weekend I had, I'd just like to point out that this is my 300th post!!!!

Can I get a WOOP WOOP?!?!
*fist pump*

Ok. Moving on. I know y'all are just sitting on the edge of your rollee office chairs about ready to crash to the floor because of all the drool you're secreting from your wait about what dress I decided to go with. So I shall start with that, and work my way back.

YES! The brown belt and brown shoes WON!!
I know, I don't have the shoes in the picture. I'm tellin' y'all, those were like little flesh eating Devil's on my feet and I could only wear them for 2.F*ckMyFeetHurt minutes.

Actually, I was very happy with my choice, and I THANK YOU ALL for helping me with such a difficult and life altering decision.

But Ryan says I cheated. He says that most of you wanted the black belt and shoes to win. Well. It's my blog. And I can interpret that most of you meant that you really wanted the brown to win. Just kidding. Seriously, I had an equal amount of votes for the black vs the brown, maybe not on the blog, but in real life. So I just went with the brown.

Oh, you wanna know another thing that little ol' Ryan decided: That I shouldn't have worn either heels and went with cowboy boots instead!
How freaking adorable would that have been?!?!
I informed my genius husband that he should have mentioned that little tidbit of information BEFORE I packed and drove 2 hours away from my boots.
I mean, why else did I marry you but for you to help me pick out my cloths and then pack my crap for me?!?! I mean, really, why?

Be warned, you're about to get a photo explosion below. Read on if you dare.

Alright, the start of the evening was a leisurely dinner at my fav restaurant Hibachi Hut, which happens to be Cajun food. Yes, Cajun food in Kansas does exist. And it's A.Maz.Ing!
Everyone chowing down.
Then a lot of these happened:

And I took stupid pictures like this out at the bar, trying to act like a 22 year old college student:

That is my cousin Nevada in the pic with me (he's the cousin I go with every Wed. for Cousin's Night). And believe it or not, he is stone sober. Even though he looks like he just downed 14 Jager Bomb shots (note: his shirt. He doesn't drink, but he wears that. Normal.).
It's fine.

After I nearly pulled Ryan's arm off as he carried me to the car, then basically into the hotel, I woke up the next morning feeling like a ray of sunshine.

We had lots of fun adventures on Saturday, which included taking pictures of my other cousin's little 6 month old cutey (pics to come later) and doing a lot of debit card swiping. It'd be a sin to come to my alma mater and not contribute to all the local shops for endless KSU apparel! Right? Right.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that it freaking poured all afternoon and evening. And this was supposed to be an outside wedding, mind you. But thankfully there was a barn where the reception was to take place, that they just converted to the ceremony location real quick like.

So, trudging through the torrential downpours of Hurricane Bastardpants (in Kansas, remember) to the barn door was fun. In heels. And a dress. But I made it, without falling on my ass and getting mud in places that mud should not be. I win.

And you know what laid outside the door before you walked in to take your seats, looking all refreshing and ice cold?!?! A entire trough full of alcoholic beverages!! To enjoy DURING the wedding. Thank you baby Jesus. This wedding is going to be AWESOME!

I grabbed me a frosty one and a coozey (yes, they provided those too) and headed to our seats. The ceremony was beautiful and the bride was gorgeous!
Tessa and her dad walking down the aisle.

Ceremony on the porch. Outside the barn.
The theme to the wedding was a country chic and I gotta tell you, when I get married again, this is what I'm doing. Seriously. I'm copying everything. It was so cute! Everything was relaxed and just put together so well!

The bride wore a strapless dress that was fitted on top, but then the bottom was just layers and layers of lace. Bridesmaids had light gray and navy dresses that weren't the same style, but went together so well. And the groom and groomsmen just wore vests, tie and long sleeve shirts. Oh and pants. They had on pants.

The decorations were baby's breath and flowers that you would imagine would be found out in a field or pasture, bright and fun. There were mason jars with lace around them, banners made of burlap, and antiques laying around everywhere.

After the vows, the bride and groom ceremoniously 'drove' away in this:
My cousin Pat and his beautiful bride Tessa!! Married at last!
That would be a wheelbarrow folks. With beer cans that had her maiden name on them, trailing in the back.
If I did something like that, I'd just look like I crawled out of the trailer park. But when they do it, they just look so adorable!

The reception started soon after, where I got a great pic with the bride:

I did just realize that I have no picture with my cousin Pat. Hummmmm.

The food was to die for! They roasted 2 pigs and had the sides catered in from Hibachi Hut!!! Perfect! Best wedding food I've ever had. EVAH!

And then I dug right in to the centerpiece.
No one is shocked by this. I know.

And somehow this happened:
I have no idea who put all those in front of me. But clearly Fatty's excited about all her options.

After we filled our bellies, we decided to check out the grounds. The place they had the wedding is a ranch that you can rent out, which includes use of the barn, the house, and all of the 250 acres. It's called Prairiewood Retreat and Preserve, and you can check the website HERE.

The house was amazing! It is my dream house, and I shall live there forever.
Upstairs kitchen and living area.

Upstairs living area.

Downstairs. And my cousin Kendal being cool.


POOL!!!! I want I want I want I want.
View from the pool down to the barn.
And the hubby and I got a great pic:

And because a Sheik family event is not complete without the use of a golf cart, we decided to take a joy ride in the pasture.
We didn't get very far though. I flipped out about the battery dying and getting attacked by a mutant moo-cow so I made Ryan turn around. He was very disappointed in me.

But that's ok. Because we had serious beer to drink on the porch of the barn. Serious people.
Ryan, Brett, and Nevada.

 I love putting stupid pictures of my husband up. Makes me smile.

Me and my cousin Kelly.

My cousin Tom, me, and being photo-bombed by a family friend Dan. Thanks Dan, that was nice of you.

My cousin Jamie, Casey, and me.
 Oh, I may forgot to mention that I have more cousins than the Duggers. And we have a lot more fun than them too. Just sayin'.

All in all, that was one of the best weddings I've been too. Partly because it's my family, but partly because of the place and the relaxed sense of the party. I would totally pull a mulligan and have another wedding!

Congrats Pat & Tessa!!!! Hope your marriage is filled with love, hope, and joy, every day of your lives!!!

Friday, August 24, 2012

General Randomness

And the cycle continues.........

I can't!!!

I can't say NO!

BUT, they didn't taste nearly as scrumdiddlyumptious as the previous 4 days.
So maybe my obsessivecompulsivepsychoobsession with these things is coming to an end.
I will have to go 2 whole days without access to Satan's little Gameboy, aka the vending machine, so maybe that will break this unHoly relationship.
We'll see.
Oh, and I know y'all care so much about my updates on my Poptart craze.  That's why I talk about it. Because you care. You're welcome.

Speaking of unHoly, it's raining outside. No shit. I'm not kidding. Actual wetness is falling from the ski. It's freaking spectacular. Ok, that had nothing to do with unHoliness.  Whatever.

If you need a good laugh today, go to THIS site. Pee your pants so funny. It's pictures of dogs, with signs their 'parents' write about them. (Jordan, you SOOOOO need to do this! You could OWN this website with the shit your dogs do!!)

I snorted so loud at that last one that I think a little tinkle came out.
Not really.
Ok, well, maybe.
Moving on.
Just go check it out.

Wow, I just read through this post and my level of randomness has just reached a new high. Like, my randomness rank just bumped up to Colonel. Or maybe even General. Yes, definitely General.

I'm so sorry you just read through this all.
I have no explanation.
My mind just does this shit.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

This just happened y'all.......

Personally delivered by a hunk I like to call The Hubby.
I'm one lucky girl.

Can you tell how happy I am?! Big ol' smile!
That handsome hubby of mine is one amazing guy!
I shall love him, and pet him, and cook & clean without bitching for him. For at least 2 weeks.
Then I shall just love him and pet him. Forever.

I love you Ryan!!!!!

Ten Things Thursday

Hello there.
Here's another round of TTT for your viewing pleasure!

1.  Last night I went out to dinner with my aunt, uncle, cousin, grandma, and another couple. We went to Olive Garden. Holy fat kid loves pasta. I had some shrimp appetizer, bread and mozzarella fonduta, then salad, 27 breadsticks, and finally Chicken & Shrimp Carbonara.

I am still full this morning.

But it was great to see my Grandma!! She's just the cutest little ol' lady. She lives in AZ, near Tucson, so I rarely get to see her.
Well, that's good lighting.
Oh! And do you see what she's drinking?! Yup, that's a margarita! The waitress was like, "And what would you like ma'am?" And cute little Margie said, "Well, I want a margarita. On the rocks." We all just giggled. 80+ and still knocking them back.

2.  Oh, before we went to dinner, I stopped at my aunt and uncles house to kill some time. First, I got my ass ripped for bringing my own beer. Seriously? How was I to know my uncle had already gone to the liquor store and stocked up?! I just figured I'd bring a small 6-pack and that way we're all covered. Ohhhh NOOoooooo. Not good apparently. It was like I murdered a midget clown or something. Tragedy.

Don't worry Larry, I will NEVER bring my own beer over again. Lesson learned.

Second thing that happened. I walked into their bathroom, you know....too much beer already, and found this:

Who has 1040 Tax Form TP?! Who?
Where do you even buy that kind of crap?
Do they sell it at Wally World? Right next to the Hannah Montana TP? And the Cable Bill themed Paper Towels?
Inquiring minds would like to know.

Although, it was kind of refreshing to wipe my ass with a portion of a government tax form.

3. I have had a strange and borderline psychotically obsessive relationship with Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts. I've had them every morning this week.


4. Thank you all for your comments yesterday on what outfit to wear. From y'all's opinion and other non-blogger's opinion it's basically a tie between the black belt/shoes and the brown belt/shoes. I'll write a little post about which one I chose after this weekend.
So y'all will have to wait in complete suspense till then.
But not really.

5.  However, I'll show you what I'm wearing today and it's super cute!
Rebecca made me laugh when she was taking the picture, that's why I have that cheesy grin on my face.

6.  You know when you come home, and see this in the backyard......
the dynamic in your household is about to change. A lot.

And what I mean by that is there will start to be strange noises floating up from the basement that sound similar to turkey gobbling and a deer grunting, not at the same time, mind you. You will also start to see lovely camo EVERYTHING laying around EVERYWHERE. Camo hats, gloves, shoes, pants, coats, shirts, underwear, jock straps, nail polish, face paint.....ok, maybe not all of that. Bottles of deer urine start mysteriously start appearing out of no where. And finally, every weekend (and sometimes during the week) for about 3 months you will relax in the luxury of your home. All.By.Your.Self. Because your husband will be out trying to kill your food. So generous of him.

I'm not going to lie folks. Some wives hate hunting season......not this chica. I get to leave the house a mess, I can lay around and eat Pop Tarts all day, I can wear ripped up ratty pajamas all weekend long (not like I don't do that now or anything), and I can sleep in as late as I want on the weekends because someone has already left the house 2 hours before the asscrack of dawn, when you were still knee deep in your REM state of bliss.

Bring on the critters baby!!!

7. This weekend I have my cousin Pat and Tessa's wedding. I am so stinking excited I could just pee glitter! They are just:
It's an outdoor wedding. And of course this weekend is the first chance of rain that we've had in like 32 years. But I'm pretty confident we'll be fine. Don't worry Tessa!!!!

It's also going to be in Manhattan, my old college stomping grounds! Yesssss! (Except that it's the first weekend after school started, so there's going to be about 22,000 young, dumb, and first time drunk students running around that I'm going to want to shank. About a million times. With a spork.)

And big bonus is this is the side of the family that loves to party. I mean like loooovvvvves to party. Here, I just got this email from another one of my Aunts this morning:

Laura, I get into KC on Fri. at about 6 pm, will NOT be in Manhattan until Sat.  We'll party then.  Casey & I have a room at the motel (Parkwood Inn) Sat. night.  Get ready to partyI have been practicing.  See you soon.
Love,   jeannie

Apparently Jeannie's ready to party.
I'm confident I can fulfill that request Aunt Jeannie!

'bout right.
9.  Speaking of work.
I don't wanna.
At all.

10.  Ok, that's all I got. I know, these last few really sucked donkey balls. What can you do. Have a fantastic weekend everyone!!!


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

BOOBs Challenge Weigh In #5 & An Important Question.

Hello there Lovies!

I'm having a great day.

I have no idea why. I got like 6 hours of sleep last night. Which usually makes me all stabby. Maybe it's the fact that I slept for 11 hours the night before. Hmmmm. Anywhoozle.
I lost again this week, in my little challenge, so now I'm down to a whopping........................


Woop woop!

Now, it's not as low as when I freaking started this challenge. I just need to chip away that little .3 to get to my starting weight. Isn't it lovely that it's taken me all this time to damn near get to where I was 5 weeks ago. Freaking pathetic.
Moving on.

I'm still happy about it though!

Especially since all I did this week was have a seriously unhealthy, borderline obsessive, relationship with processed breakfast foods, pretzels, and booze.

Oh, and the first time I worked out this week was last night, in between beers #5 and #6. I did 50 push ups and sit ups on the carpet while watching Transformers. At 10:30 at night.
Ain't y'all proud.

Well, this week will be better!!!
I will get my pooper on a damn treadmill for shit's sake!!!!
And I will break up with the company vending machine!!!

OK. Now on to something that's uber important.
I need your help.
I have my cousin's wedding this weekend and I bought a new dress a few weeks ago that I'd really like to wear, but can't decide what shoes and belt to wear with it. It's a gray dress with white embroidery on the sleeves and hem. It comes to about my knee. And is kinda baby-doll-ish on top.

For the love of chocolate covered Cheetos, PLEASE help me choose which one.

Black belt, black strappy heels.

Red belt (I know, it looks pink, but it's not) and White strappy wedges.

Light brown belt and brown strappy wedges.

I will tell you that my bestie Tina picked out her fav already and I'm leaning toward that one. But I'm not telling which one it is. I don't want you to get all biased and shit. That would be tragic.

So let me know your fav!!!
And then I'll post a fab pic of me in it this weekend.
Just cause I love y'all.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

Colorado Wedding Version.

So I meant to get this post in before today. But that just didn't happen. Obviously. So here's the randomness that is my life, but about last weekend. Enjoy.

1. So last weekend, I told y'all that I was going to the cluster of all clusterf*ck of weddings. My step-brother was marrying his baby mama. Hillbilly backwoods Colorado style. It was a joy.

Actually it wasn't that bad. If you don't count that when I got there I found out that my dad and stepmom were hosting the rehearsal dinner, which meant that we were making all the food for about 30 people. And we were making all the side dishes for the wedding too. Oh, and we needed to completely clean, set up, and decorate the wedding reception place.

So in honor of my brother and his fiance and all the work I had to do for them for free I took a tequila shot. It was heinous. And my throat felt like raw flesh ground down by 60 grit sandpaper, no matter how much beer I drank to sooth it.
You do not taste good.
 2. The next morning I woke up as the sun was rising, because I was designated to sleep in the sun room (thanks parents, for not having enough bedrooms, with curtains, in your 4 bedroom house to fit everyone in the family), and felt like sunshine was escaping from every pore in my body. And I sparkled. Just kidding, I wanted to murder that tequila shot I downed the previous evening. Because it was doing not nice things to my skull.


We had plans to go to the farmers market that morning (which would have been Friday), to get all the goodies that our little hearts desired. Now this market isn't your usual 2 booths of half rotten tomatoes, and then 32 booths of homemade wooden benches fashioned out of old coffins with pictures of John Wayne plastered all over them (true story). This market is the mother of all markets. It actually is in a tie to be the best farmers market in all of Colorado. And it's set in a town of about 8,000 people.

Many moons ago, when I lived in Colo for a summer, I actually sold some of my art at this farmers market. Didn't make much, but it was still cool to sell my little doodle scratches.

Anyway, you walk up and it's just booths and booths of homemade crepes, tons of fruits and veggies, fresh baked bread, homemade pasta (which I partook in that action! 1/2 pound of garlic chive and lemon pepper flavored gluten-free pasta! Yum!), and arts and crafts that could be sold at any high priced snoody Aspen store.......


Homemade WINE!!!!!!!!

Thank you baby Jesus for blessing me with this lovely early morning wine tasting.

I mean, who doesn't like a good wine buzz early in the morning?

And then I got to see a baby Alpaca. Walked on leashes. Like dogs.
Because this farmer's market doubles as a petting zoo too. Apparently.

There were soft, like a little kitten, only a small midget could ride this thing bareback, and it was only a few months old. And the owners were selling them. I wondered slightly that if I purchased a baby alpaca and trucked it back to Kansas in my brand new Jeep, if Ryan wouldn't freak about having a new playmate for Wyatt to live in our backyard. Then I wondered what you did with an Alpaca. Like do they just graze your lawn down so you don't have to mow? Well we don't need that because the flame thrower also known as the sun has turned our grass to dried up toothpicks. Maybe alpacas are like camels and you can just ride them for eternity without them needing water. They kinda look like camels. Which we could totally need someday because we might run out of gasoline and since we live in Satan's outhouse, we also would have to hold back water, but we'd still need to travel to and fro, and an animal to take us to and fro with little water is perfect. And this little alpaca is way more cuter than a stinky spitting camel. But I didn't purchase the cute little dude, because I knew Ryan would be all, "What the F*ck, Laura?" So I will blame him when we run out of gas and can't get around because we don't have an alpaca.

It should be noted, that while I saved money on the alpaca, I spent $90 on pasta, wine, and a sandblasted beer glass for my husband. Most of it went to the wine.

3.  After the market we headed to the ceremony/reception camp......yes, it's a camp, backwoods get the place clean and set up. But that's really boring and all I did was bitch and sweat the whole afternoon with little to no beer. So I'm moving on to the day of the ceremony.

The day started out simply stellar because I did something that no person should ever do. Ever.
I ran up and down a mountain.
For exercise.
And because I've lost it. Mentally speaking.

I miscalculated when I told you last week that it was about 4 miles around my parents drive. It was more like 1.3. So I started off on the downward side, because that's the only way to go, and jogged that sucker as long as I could before having to go around the loop and prepare my lungs for the exploding that was surely going to happen.
It was about .8 miles down.
Then about .5 miles up.


My first mile I made pretty good time. But going on my second loop/mile, I knew I had made a terrible mistake of doing this little jog twice. Well, maybe not a mistake, I just worried that I was going to hack up a lung, which would attract the bears, and then I'd get mauled to death in the middle of nowhere. But I trudged through and made it. With both my lungs. I was slightly shaky and a little disoriented when I finally made it up to the house. But I also felt pretty darn good for running that. Dolphin claps for me.

4. After my glorious jog, we all hung around the house for awhile, slowly getting ready for the big event. That part was nice, just to lawdy daw around and not be in such a rush that you felt the need to take speed so you can get everything done, and then finally get to your destination only to remember that since you were so cracked out you left your curlers in. Never has happened to me.

We headed to the camp about 2 hours before the wedding to make last minute adjustments to......well, random shit. I didn't adjust anything. I had a beer.

10 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start, about 40 people were just milling about around the gym where the reception would be. So we started herding them like cattle down the road to the ceremony spot. Which was completely beautiful. Makes me want to get married all over again, but outside, by a pond, in the mountains, like Heaven.

Thank Christ my niece was also not included in the wedding festivities (way to make me feel included bro), so I didn't have to sit in the very front alone while having that eery feeling of people staring the back of your head down.

Then we had a couple of wedding crashers show up.
So rude.

And finally, 30 minutes late, the wedding started. (BTW, for those of you that don't know, Colorado has their own 'time'. They move when they want, despite that there might be about 100 people waiting on them. It's annoying and makes me all sorts of stabby.)

Clearly the pastor is happy.

She's just so darn cute!!

All the girls!

My dad, stepmom with her son and new bride!

Apparently I'm the only one that knows how to look at a camera.

My stepsis and stepbro.

5. The ceremony lasted a blessed 15 minutes, and we all moved up to the reception. Where the 6....count em' SIX.......kegs of beer were being tapped. I think I just died and went to beer Heaven.

OH, by the way, this was my outfit:
My boobs look so big in that dress. I shall wear it all the time.

The dancing started just about the time that my social anxiety kicked in like a mo' fo'.
That is my dad. Awesome.Dancer.
So I headed outside to call everyone in my phonebook hoping one little friend would pick up and I could pretend that I wasn't alone with 122 strangers, which would any minute cause me to crawl under the table with a pitcher of malt beverages.  No one answered. Bastards.  Oh, no wait, I think I talked to  Ryan. He was at my Mom's house at my cousin's wedding shower. And after we got done, he text me this picture.
Titled: YOUR dog
Good job Puppy! Get muddy when your Daddy is the only one around to give you a bath!!! I will give you treats later for that.
While outside hiding, the evening started to get much more interesting for me.

6. Meet Jim:

Jim is a retired backwoods hillbilly cowboy that is older than the mountains with skin that looks like a dried cow patty. He has a affection for red wine that turns his 2.5 teeth into a lovely burgundy shade, which he tried to lick off with his lizard-like tongue every time he opened his mouth to speak. In his free time he likes to stick his hands up a horses hoo-ha and try to pull breach colts out, which I got every glorious detail of every 'delivery' he's done in 392 years. He apparently is a genius also, because he's talking to a girl a third of his age and follows her around like a night stalker, only it's daytime, which freaks her the fuck out and causes her to want to even more crawl under the table. Or chug a bottle of vodka. Either way. And won't stop, even though said girl has mentioned, like a kazillion times, that she's not only happily married to an ex-Navy seal who used to be a linebacker and is now a prison guard (Ryan, you need to put that on your resume by the way), but may have a severely contagious disease that will make men's pee-pees fall off, shrivel up, and turn to dust. Oh wait, no wonder that didn't bother him, his was probably dust anyway. Shitballs.

7.  After two hours, I successfully ditched the geezer by having the bridesmaids hide me under their dresses until he left. It was a close one folks.

8.  Then this happened again:
My poor father. Whoever told him that ridiculous lie that he was a good dancer should be shot.

9. I spent the rest of the reception running around and taking pictures. And drinking, of course.
My Sis Becca, Niece Riley, and Moi.

Riley and her dad Derek.
This would be the bride and groom's (and my new nephew!) adorable little boy, Trenton!

Add: Can't smile worth shit to my resume. Jesus, it looks like someones torturing me.
10.  And then I gave my camera to Riley, because she's started to have an interest in photography, and I secretly get all jumpy and excited like I've been on a crack bender for 3 months because of it. I love it when people love what I love.

And that's when I became a diva.

And on that note....

Cheers Lovies!!!
Have a stupendous Thursday!