Thursday, December 12, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

It's been a freaking LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG ass time since I've done one of these babies!!!

1. Thanks Sarah G for commenting yesterday about the mastitis or whatever. I hadn't really even considered that, and didn't know that much about it. But after numerous google searches and friends sending me messages on FB, I can now say the girls are much happier today.

There were recommendations about everything from putting cabbage in my bra, to drinking mint tea, to taking sage supplements. I haven't had a chance to try any of those. But what did work was taking a hot shower and squeezing the ever-loving-Christ outta the lefty. Yup. Sure did. And it hurt, ohmygiddyaunt, so freaking bad. But once the pressure was relieved I actually felt like a normal tube-sock-ping-pong type of boobie girl! Cheers to that folks!!!

2. Through all this, I think I want a boob job. I mean, purely for selfish reasons. I'm pretty sure my husband could give 2 shits about what my chest looks like, I mean, he loves me just the way  I am. But man alive I feel like a 97 year old broad with these hangy down thingies. It's like I gotta roll them up just to put them in my bra. I just don't feel pretty damn it. And I wanna feel pretty!!! *cue whiny voice

OK, pouting over.

3.  So I started the No-Poo thing last week. Today is day 7. Here's day 5:
This is at like 6am, so that's why I'm all sad sack suzie.

But so far, anyway, my hair looks good.

THIS website was very informative. So is THIS one. And THIS one.<-----That's the best website.

Basically, you use a baking soda and water mixture for your shampoo and an apple cider & water mixture for your conditioner. The process is all about getting your hair back to it's 'natural' state, without all the chemicals and crap that come with commercial shampoos, conditioners, hairsprays, etc. Those things leave a coating on your hair that forces you to continue to use them.

The No-Poo method helps you get over that hump and then have your hairs natural oils be all the product you need.

So far I'm in the waxy, stringy, dry stage, so I'm going to up my baking soda a little and keep at it another week. The only real thing I've noticed is that my hair seems 'thicker' and is MUCH easier to brush through. It dries differently too. Not better or worse, but just different. Hard to explain. Another bonus, I don't have to buy shampoo or conditioner! Love that!

Anyway. I'll keep you posted. I'm trying to remember to take pics and everything.

4. OMG. My friend at work just emailed me this video and it's hilarious!

5.  I know we just got over Halloween and all, but I couldn't resist posting this.

Poor Dillyn. But she is going to be this next year:
How freaking cute is that?!?!
And I can probably make that entire thing.
OMG, I Can't.Freaking.Wait!

6.  I'm still on the Make Sugar My Bitch thing. It's still a constant struggle and it's been infinitely harder right now with the holidays and food every.fucking.where. But I'm still truckin' along. Thank Miss Fattypants that I've got a great support group! You girls Rock!!!

7.  Oh, and I'm still going to the gym. The only week I've taken off in like forever has been Thanksgiving week. I don't rockstar it every day or anything, but on average I get there at least twice, each for an hour. So that's something.  I also have a great support group for that too! Thanks to my girls Chassity and Savannah!!!! It's sooooooSOSOSO much easier to MAKE yourself exercise when you know someone else is going with you.

And I've figured out that it truly and deeply helps my depression. I mean, I'm on meds and all, but the weeks/days I exercise, I feel like Mary fucking Poppins on speed. It's amazeballs. I'm not quite at the 'addicted' part, but I'm close.

8.  Tomorrow is Friday the 13th.

9.  Thank you all for your comments about my bio father the other day. I'm still up in the air about it all. On one hand I really want answers, even if I know they're lies. On the other, I feel like it's opening up a can of stanky worms (not to be confused with sKanky worms, because those bitches are hoes). I think I've come to the conclusion that writing him an email is the way to go. That way I'm not 'talking' to him, and we still have a pretty good barrier up. I still haven't had the time or energy to write out what I want to say exactly. So I'm just going to wait till I find it.

10. Here's a shout out to my homies at The Print Shop:


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Breast talk at it's best.

**Attention Gentlemen: While this post IS all about the's not quite what you're thinking, or hoping. It's more about what nature intended the torpedoes to do, rather than what you think their purpose is. So you're advised to skip this post for your own good.

For those of you that don't know what happens when you stop nursing, pay attention. And I'm not talking about quitting a medical field job. I'm talking about the child stuck to your boob 24/7 feeding type nursing. For those that DO know, please laugh along with me.

So, yes, I stopped breastfeeding Miss D this week because, well, my milk supply has slowly become non-existent. I started her on formula a few weeks ago, so that's been going good. And I had hoped to build my milk back up...but no dice.

Getting to the point....I stopped on Sunday.
And now it feels like there's a grapefruit trying to exit my nipple on my left bazooka. Not my right mind you, just my left. OH yes, another fine perk of breastfeeding. My right boobazzle is SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than my left. It pretty much resembles a tube sock with a ping pong on the end. Very sexy.  Whereas my left knocker is rock FUCKING hard and the size of a bowling ball. So instead of having two nice headlights....I only have one.....that's permanently on bright. FML.

Oh, and you know what else is hunkingfuckingdorey?
The fact that if a mosquito farted near my left coconut I'd fall to the floor in agonizing pain. At this point, I'd rather just have no thingamajugs. Nope. None. Nada. Rather than have to deal with the constant excruciating pain that is my 'milk hardening'. Seriously. Last night at work, I was changing out the kazillion gallon water cooler jug, and as I was putting the new one on top it accidentally fell on my left jug. I thought I was going to pass out. There I am, bent over, screaming constant F bombs, while grabbing my chest. It made a pretty picture.

Actually, all I want to do is hold my hurting konga all day, and not in the ooolala way either. For some reason, just putting pressure helps. But, I have to catch myself 'putting pressure' to my oompa in the middle of the day. I'm pretty sure the 75% male work force here is just loving this. *palm to face.

Well, that's it for me.
Good talk.

What's new with you???
Anyone else having pointer-sister issues?

(PS: How many of you loved my use of boob-vocabulary. I'm pretty proud of myself there. hehehe)

Friday, December 6, 2013

Cheers to blogging about randomness.


I've tried to think of something enlightening and uplifting to write about.....then I remembered I'm neither of those things. And this blog is definitely never done any of that shiznit! lol

New with me: I'm still a mom. I haven't somehow screwed that up yet. But this cutie pie makes it easy:

I can't make this shit up.
She poses like this on her own. Clearly she's more photogenic than her mother. (who likes being behind the camera for a reason.)

Fun fact #498: That rocking chair......That was my grandmothers, and she gave it to me. Funny thing, there's a little 'stain' on the seat.....well, that'd be from yours truly when I was a baby. I crawled up in the chair and wet my pants. Like all cool girls do. Well, it left a stain. And even after my grandma had the chair redone, it's still there. How cute is that?! Maybe D will take pics of her daughter in this chair someday.

Other news.....ummmm, I've been going to the gym still with some badass work chicas. I'm down to 162.5, but I fit in my size 8 pre-preggars jeans!!!! Woop woop!

Work sucks dinosaur balls. Still. God, could they all just leave me the fuck alone?!?! It's kinda funny, there's a lot of manipulating assholes that work there. And I pretty much want to tell them to shut their dickhole (thank you Rebecca's sister for that lovely word) every other minute. But I don't. Mostly. Good news is I see thru their dogshit and am heading them off. Dear moron: You think you can get rid of me......mawahahaha....oh no you dit-ent. I will make your life hell. Because that's the kind of bitch I am. Spank you very much for hiring me.

You ever have that feeling that everything in your life is going completely fantastic, but there's this one part where you want to have a mulligan? OK, maybe not a mulligan, but maybe a chance to let things die. But in a good way? I'm still struggling with how my bio dad, Martin, is a life sucking lying shithead. It's not that I want to start a relationship back up with him, obviously, it's just that I want closure. I can't forgive him. But yet, I can't move on. And for my mental sake, I sooooo need to move on. How do you let go of something that has been the most horrific and yet defining point in your life? I hate, literally and seriously HATE him and what he's done to me but more importantly my family. My mom. His 2nd wife. And my current 'extra' mom. How?!

My counselor says that forgiving isn't condoning, it's allowing the past not to control you anymore. How in the fucking hell do you get past the feeling that if you forgive, you're saying that what they did was 'ok'?!

But more importantly, how do you get over something that controlled your life for 31ish years, made you the strong, independent, and 97% screwed you the fuck up???
Riddle me that asswipe.

My counselor said that I need to talk to him. That I need to ask my questions and hear his answers and that will give me closure. I know I can't see him in person. So I said that a phone conversation might be ok. But truly....the only question I have is WHY? And I know that when he answers, the diarrhea that spouts from his mouth will be lies. Because that's what he does.....lie. Manipulate. Twist reality.

Lord I need to let go of the hate.

So, do I call him and ask WHY? knowing that I'll get told lies. But that I might end up feeling some closure? Or do I continue with the hate? Hoping that time heals.

Sorry, that was super depressiontown. But that's what I've wanted to write about, but just haven't had the guts.

In conclusion, life is great. But I still need help. Seems to be a pattern.

Y'all stay warm now!
With beers.
It helps.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Grandparents are shitty instruction followers.

Remember those nice, typed up, easy to follow, general instructions I came up with yesterday? For Dillyn's trip to Grandma and Grandpa's house????

Ya. Well. The only thing it's really good for now is toilet paper.

Grandma calls this morning and says, "Well, I tried to follow the instructions but Grandpa Hardy wasn't having it."
Leave it to Hardy to not follow the rules. I don't know why I'm surprised by this.

I guess D got up at 2:30am and MY instructions were to put the binky in her mouth and she'll fall back asleep. Well, after the 3rd time of her spitting it out, Hardy decided that she needed her butt changed. This was ALSO part of my instructions: Do NOT change her in the middle of the night, she'll just wake up more.

So what happens when she has a fresh new diaper??? In the middle of the night???
She's wide awake.......................and wants food.

So they feed her. (Also on the DO NOT DO list.)

THEN, they decide to let her sleep in bed with them for a little while so they can cuddle.


They're creating a ripple that will surely turn into a tidal wave of my nice and glassy baby routine lake.

Apparently, this is a typical grandparent function.
To screw your child's routine up, then just hand her back with a shit eating grin on their face.

Well played grandparents. Well played indeed.

On a side note, I fretted (and by that I mean I had an hour car ride home to freak the f*ck out about all the possibly horrible things that could happen to my baby girl) enough that I was sure I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink last night.............nope. Complete opposite. Head hit the pillow and I was out till 5:30am this morning. That was the most glorious night of sleep I've ever had. I even cuddled with my puppy in bed before we both crawled out to start the day.

Dear Baby Jesus: Could you please make all babies understand that a full, good nights sleep is KEY to having non-psycho parents????? So they should just be born sleeping through the night. Mmmkay???? Could you work on that????
I Love Me Some Sleep

T-Minus 5.5 hours till I get to see my baby girl again.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Being an OCD mother is shit-tastic.

Dillyn's going to stay with Grandma Julie tonight for the FIRST NIGHT AWAY...EVER!

I'm freaking out.

Not that I don't trust my mother or anything. But D be away from me for 24 hours!!! That's like a freaking eternity. I don't think I can deal with this. Where is a zanax. And a bottle of Patron. And a padded cell.

Ok, so I wrote some 'instructions' out and thought I'd share. Just to make fun of myself. Because that's what I do.

This is what I'm sending with her:

~Feed her formula during the day. Start with 4oz, and add another 2 (or more) if she’s still hungry. You don’t need to warm the formula. Feed her breast milk before bed, 5-6oz. Do warm the milk, but be careful not to get it too hot in the microwave.
~She gets sleepy around 8:30, but try to keep her awake till at least 9pm, and then do our ‘nighttime ritual’: Jammies, change diaper, fix bottle, and feed. (I put two blankets in her bag. Just wrap them around her bottom half. Not close to her face.)
~She’ll probably wake up around 5:30 or so (sometimes in the middle of the night also), but just give her the binky (the one without the leash), and she’ll go back to sleep. Don’t feed her or change her diaper until at least 6:30am (unless she’s screaming). I try to get her up at 6:30am every day. At that time, if’s she’s up, that’s great, if not, you don’t need to wake her, just let her wake up on her own.
~Feed her breast milk for her first feeding (5-6oz, warmed). Then formula the rest of the day. If she’s not taking the formula well, just switch to breast milk. She may get gassy with the formula, there is gas drops in the front pocket of her diaper bag. FYI, she’s hungry about every 2.5 hours.
~Try to get her on her tummy at least for 10 minutes during the day. She’ll hate it, but she needs to be on it.
~Otherwise she likes to be in the sitting position. And she likes to be able to look around. If she’s fussy, sit her in between your legs on the couch and swing them back and forth. That always helps.

Don’t laugh at this. It’s just the way it is.

Do you think it's overkill??????

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Updates like a boss.

I'm here. I swear.
I have not left you.
I have not died.

I've just been a mommy.

God I love being a mommy.

Can I just tell you what happened tonight?

First of all, I had to work all day. 7am to 3:30pm. Well, truthfully, I had a brain shart and got there at 7:30am. Don't ask.

So Ryan was Super Baby Daddy and took care of Baby D all day. And part of the night (cause I got to have beers after work, a must on a Sat.)

But when I finally made it home......deer chili on the stove, house completely dusted (and if you live on a gravel road, like we do, you know how HUGE this is), carpets vacuumed, AND little Wyatt is fluffy from a bath.

Be jealous. Yes. Seriously. You can. It's fine.

So it was a good day, despite the whole work hellhole thang.

Let's see, what else is going on.....Oh, my baby turned 3 months old this week! Can you freaking believe it?!
Ya, me neither.

Do you see those hands?!?! Ya. They just keep getting bigger. And bigger. And bigger.

Doesn't it just seem like yesterday when I was telling y'all about being pregnant???
Ya, me too.
Now she's practically a teenager.
It's tragic how fast they grow!!!

We went to our 2nd K-State football game last weekend. It was fun. It was my time to relax while Grandma took care of D.
Clearly you can see she's in good hands.
And the beverage is within reach.
Grandma is such a pro.

In other news....

my dog is strange:

Baby put himself in the corner.


Seriously, I don't even know why he was doing that. And he laid like that forever.

Oh, that brings me to the next topic: Remember when Ryan and I were apparently hit with the dumbstick and got a new puppy???? When we already had a damn near new baby????? And we brought said puppy home during winter....aka hunting season????
Ya. That didn't last long.

We had to give her back. The puppy, Bella, I mean. I just couldn't do it. Ryan was gone hunting or working late a few times a week and trying to take care of a baby and a puppy and another doggie, Wyatt, is like trying to drink at a AA just doesn't happen.

Good news is she went to a really good family that has a little girl that was just dying to have a dog.

Ryan and I have determined that we're just a 1 dog family. And that 1 dog is Mr. Wyatt. Spoiled brat.

Lastly, I've been doing a little exercising. Yes, yes. It's happening again.
I don't know how to describe it, other than I know most of you know what I'm talking about, but every time I work out, the next day I am in the best mood. Not even stupidfucks at work can poop on my sparkly rainbow. Its amazing. And I love it. And I'm becoming slightly addicted.

Like today, I didn't get a chance to get to the gym and I'm all sadpants. Who the hell am I becoming?!?!?! Iv'e always hated working out. It's torture right?! The whole conveyor belt of death....Miss PerkyAss Drill Sergeant at the Fierce Class that I could punch in the hoohaa.....sweating not because I'm out of beer, but because I'm forcing myself to move my's just all wrong!
But now it's just all.......right.


Well, that's it for now. I truly miss blogging and am going to start making a point to get back into it. I miss reading my bloggy buddy's blogs too. I need to be better about that.

Until next time loves!!!


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I have no idea what to title this because it's all over the board. Enjoy.

I hate not being able to write. It sucks Satan's balls.

Wanna know what else sucks Satan's balls???


Yup. It still sucks. Actually, it's getting worse every day I spend there.

I got it!!!! Y'all 'donate' to my writing fund and I'll never go back to Satan's outhouse. Deal?!
I'll wait for your checks in the mail.
Spank you very much in advance. ;-)

There's so much I want to write about.
I'm struggling with the Sugar HoBag Slutface Lintlicker. What's new huh.
I'm completely addicted. Like seriously addicted. I've tried to put down the cupcake or donut or soda or 12 lb bag of sugar that I have intravenously loaded into my veins....but no dice. I've got a great group of women that help me, or more like we help each other, through emails. And I think we're all struggling with it. But! We WILL all overcome! That i'm sure! Tomorrow is a new day!!! I'm not giving up and I know they're not giving up either.

I've decided that I absolutely love being a mom. I know, right?! You're shocked. hehehe, just kidding. I tell you what, I don't mind sleepless nights. Or having a small human attached to my tatas pretty much all the time. Or that I have a pig pen for a house....because I want to just cuddle all the time. But truly, if you had to pick between scrubbing toilets and snuggling this face:

Which would you chose?
Me too.

And I'm going to be a little.....what's the word....ornery/biased/conceded, but she is the best baby. No lie. She smiles all the time, rarely cries, is a good eater, and has been a pretty good sleeper since birth. Ryan and I are lucky ass parents. Y'all can hate us now.
You know what this means tho....our second baby will probably be a holy terror. lol.
Or better yet, little Miss Amazingpants will grow up and be 15 times as ornery/mischievous/hellion-like  as me by the age of 2. I'd just like to point out that my nickname 'Laura Belle' came from my aunt, who said i was the best baby. But then at about 2, I was so ornery that I ended up tripping my mother, who was carrying my baby brother and arms full of packages, down an escalator. Not on purpose mind you. But I was playing 'noodle legs' and wouldn't stand up.

And then there may have been another time that I nearly bit off my baby brothers fingers.
But there's no proof of that and I still deny it.

OK. What else is going on.

It's been about 9 months since I've spoken with my biological dad. While I'm completely confident that I'm better off without his lying, cheating, manipulative ass, it's still very strange not to talk to him. Or really, not to have a dad to talk to at all. Ryan's such an amazing dad, and it makes me miss having one.   Not that he was ever amazing. Because he wasn't. He was a pretty shitty dad. But my other dad, Mike was amazing. So that's what I miss.

I don't know why I'm having a hard time letting go, but I am. I think most of it has to deal with me being angry with him. I am constantly thinking about how much I hate him for what he's done to my life and the life of my mom and stepmom. I know that hate is eating me alive and I need to let go. But I can't. I don't know why. I think I need to talk to someone about it, but crap, when am I going to find time to do that! ugh.

So that's it for now.
I promise to get back to a regular schedule soon. It's just hard to juggle snuggle time and work and scrubbing toilets and writing. But I'll find my groove eventually!

Friday, November 8, 2013

Interesting my dear Watson.

Just saw THIS article on

'Bottle of warm beer' more effective than psychotherapy?

Basically a psychotherapist suggested that sometimes a beer is all you needed.

Buddy, I can assure you that is correct. I've done multiple case studies on it. Using myself as the test subject. The sacrifices I go through for science. You're welcome.
Oh, and I am available for further research, if it involves consumption of alcoholic beverages, for free. I volunteer. Pick me. I heart you. Spank you very much.

In other news, I'm still in the scintillating AutoCAD class. I'm learning soooooooooooooo much. (That was sarcastic. In case you didn't catch that.)

I kinda feel bad. I'm sitting in the front row, and the poor guys behind me must think I don't give two poops about being here because I'm on the internet all damn day. Oh well. Good news is we got out early yesterday and we're on track to get out early today. Woop Woop!

Oh, and the Universe sharted in my face again last night/this morning. Baby Girl and I did a lot of running around yesterday evening. She was basically in her car seat for like 3 hours (which she slept almost the entire time).  By the time we got home, we had minimal cuddle time (sadface), she fed, and then went to bed at like 9. I was fully prepared to get up at 2:30am like I have been this whole week. And what does my mind do? Not shut the eff up. I was up till midnight, tossing and turning and thinking about the 1200 calories I'd just consumed in desert alone that night, or that I haven't plucked my eyebrows in about 18 months (startin to look a little caterpillary.) Or that I should really work out tonight but I sooooo don't wanna.

But I finally fell asleep at about 12:30ish. Thinking, hummmm 2 hours of sleep is going to ROCK. Next thing I knew, I was jolting out of bed because the clock read 4:30 and I hadn't heard a peep from Miss Dillyn. Damn near thought she got abducted by aliens or something. Nope. Not the case. She was just laying in her bed, sound asleep.

So, then my body proceeded to wake up every hour and check the monitor to see if she was awake. Because Lord knows I couldn't just get normal rest. She didn't get up till about 7am. 7 in the A to the M!!!!! She got a great 9 hours of sleep last night. While mommy got like 4. The one night she sleeps forever and I can't join her.

Bullshittles I tell you!

Well, Cupcakes I'm off to learn more nothing in this amazing waste of my time.

Cheers to the WEEKEND!!!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

So I know it's been awhile.
I've finally made it to the shallow end of the shitpool. Barely.

1.  Someone was a Queen Bee for Halloween:

What can I say. She's adorable.

2.  Right now I'm in an AutoCAD for beginners class. FML. I'd rather spoon my eyeball out and feed it to an walrus.

I just tried to do a print screen to show you. But it's not letting me. Damn technology.

Basically I'm learning how to draw circles and squares. Again....FML.

3.  Sugar Is My Bitch recap:

Sugar is NOT my bitch.....................yet.

It's a struggle. Every.Damn.Minute.

For some people, you can have a small amount every so often, then go sans the SugarDevil for weeks. I am not one of those people. I have been feuding with little Miss Self Control for quite some time now. And that ho-bag is winning.

Example: I was so good today when I stopped and got coffee and DIDN'T, I repeat DID NOT, get a donut. Show up to class today and the damn teacher brought a box of them and sat them within arms reach.
F*ck you very much Cosmic are a bastard.

I had one donut, and now I want a truckload of Mt. Dew.

4. Does anyone else feel like it shouldn't be November? Ya. Me either.

5. Rewind to the middle of Oct. I don't know if I put Dillyn's 2 Mo pics up or not. But here she is in all her glory.

Apparently the last one I scared the shit out of her during our little photo shoot. Poor thing. ;-)

6. BTW, at her 2 mo check up, she grew 2 inches (total 23 inches now. I know. Basketball player in the making) and she weighs a whopping 11.3lbs. Obviously taking after her dad. Because I'm so danty and all. I wish I had one of my baby pics handy. I was a chub. Maybe someday I'll find one and put it on here.

7. Wait. Found one.

I'm the smallest baby in my mom's arms. She has the long pony tail in the front. Can you see the triple chin??? Oh it's there. That's no lie.

8.  I think I should go. Class is about over....thank the effing Lord. So I should pay some sort of attention.


PS. Not spell checking. Or grammar checking. Chelsea, don't kill me.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Let me tell you about my life.....

it blows porcupine pee-pee.
Big time.

I didn't blog at all last week.
Wanna know why?
Of course you do.

Work. The day to day grind. The 9-5. The paycheck. The I-want-to-shank-a-bitch-or-three-employment.

It sucks ass.

You can not believe the amount of bullshit I have to swim through on a day to day basis. It's a lot. Not some little kiddie pool sized either, we're talking Olympic pool sized people.
And it straight up stinks.

I have lots to share. Including my battle with the SugarBitch. Which also blows.
Plus Little D was a Bumble Bee for Halloween and she was A.DOR.ABLE! But then again, I made her, so of course she's adorable. lol. (not to toot my own horn or anything. lol. I said toot by the way. If you didn't laugh at that, you need to check your meds.)

OK. So I'm going to go back to swimming in the poo. And I will *try* and catch y'all up tonight or tomorrow.

PS: I miss you all!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

If you want to die, just attend the Death For Squishies Class.

In lieu of TTT, I'm re-hashing my workout last night. Enjoy.


I did a class at the Y last night called Step Circuit with my Work Out Bitches, Chassity and Savannah.

Holy poopsquares y'all.  My body is!

They might as well call the class: Death For Squishies Who Have Zero Muscle.

First of all, the class was all about stepping up on this step thing, then back down again, then over here, then over there, then turn, squat, squat again, do an A-turn (WTF is an A-turn), step up again, step back, kick your leg over your head, do a sashay (WTF again), do a jumping jack, kick your leg behind you, kick your leg in front of you, kick your leg behind you, kick your leg in front of you (kill me now), squat, squat again, lunge, lunge some more, do the damn A-turn, swing around, walk the dog (Holy WTF) around your step, A-turn, squat, lunge, and finally die.

Now, read that again, only speed-read it like that guy who used to do the Hot Wheels commercials, and you'll get an idea of what it was like. For.An.Entire.F*CKING.Hour!

Well, I lie, it wasn't an entire hour. It was 55 minutes, with 5 minutes of straight-rip-your-stomach-muscles-to-shreds Core Work.

Do you realize how hard all that is to do when you're about as coordinated as a drunk walrus trying to do a line dance choreographed by Richard Simmons?
It's F*CKING hard, people.
I only about face planted the floor 324 times. In the first 15 minutes.
And I may or may not have almost took out the poor girl next to me with an over exaggerated back kick. Poor thing.

And while I'm bent over, huffing and puffing, sweat rolling from places I didn't even know could sweat, there's Little Miss Bouncypants in the front row that did the whole class with an extra pep in her step, making it seem like she was taking a leisurely stroll through the park. Whore. I almost gave her a high the face.....with my 5lb dumbbell. But at that point I couldn't lift a feather, let alone my dumbbell. So she lives to bounce another day.

I'm pretty sure I burned at least 1000 calories. And that's not being sarcastic. I truly haven't worked out that hard..............ever. And to prove my point, I lost 1 whole pound from yesterday. I know that could be water weight and all that, but I'm pretending it's the class. Go with me on this.

Well, it's probably because I'm still sans sweets too. Basically a combo of both.

So far this week, my starting weight was 168.5. Today I weighed in at 165.9. And that was with some clothes on. 


Clearly something's working.

Even if I have to wheel around my office because it hurts too bad to get up, I WILL CONTINUE!!!
(And yes, I have been doing that. And to give you a visual, my 'office' is the size of a warehouse. So it's not like I'm wheeling around some 4ft cubical. It's fine. Completely normal. *slaps palm to face*)

**EDIT** I'm back on MyFitnessPal, so if y'all want to be friends, but user name is: laurabelle25 !!! Come find me!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Day 2 of being a non-sugar shoveling bitch.

OK. We made it through day 1!

And it's even 1/2 way through day 2!

First of all, yesterday was a clusterf*ck. If I wasn't so freaking swamped at work, I probably would have eaten my desk....if it was glazed in sugary goodness. Seriously though, for someone making a major change to their diet (in other words, not mowing down mounds of candy every other minute), I did NOT pack enough crap to eat. I had my turkey sandwich and a ridiculously small cup of yogurt. I almost fainted from hunger. It was horrible. (dramatic much?!)

I was complaining about my lack of mid-afternoon candy corn shoveling session on FB when my friend and badass weight loss chick commented, "You're fine. It's food, not life."
Ooooo Chelsea, you are so right that I hate you. But not really.  ;-)
But isn't that so true!! Why let this little devil run our lives! We got bigger fish to fry!

So, despite me shriveling up and blowing away, I made it to the gym last night and powered though a hella long workout!

Magically, as if the Weight Loss Gods were listening to my cries for a workout buddy, I found a group of badass chicks at work that have been going to the YMCA 5 nights a week and doing different classes. They had a Badass Chick meeting and allowed me to participate, bless their little hearts. So this bitch BROUGHT it last night. 

I got to the gym about 30 min early, so I hopped on the conveyor belt of death and pounded out a little over a mile. It was my first 'run' since before I was pregnant....about 11 months. Whew. It was rough. But it felt soooo good!!

I then moseyed my way down to the class, which was a 30 minute Express Fitness class where you rotate on 25 different machines for a minute each, then you run a lap, and finally knock out some sit ups.

I can totally do that, right?!

So there I am, on my first machine, a 'the top of your thighs will burn like Satan's outhouse on fire' machine (I don't know what the technical term is), and I'm thinking, this isn't so bad, I can do this. Then I look at the clock and it's been 5 seconds.


Pulling out that minute was sketchy. Pretty sure I thought my legs were going to break off at the 45 second part.

Ohhhhhh, goody!!!! A bicycle machine is next! *scowl*

Then an arm machine, then an elliptical, then a leg thing again, and then I died and they buried my body behind the gym. Next to the dumpsters. And then a dog peed on my grave.

But, ohhhhh, it gets better.

I'm with two girls from work, Miss Chassity and Miss Savannah. Both awesome bitches. We're having a 'good' time, sweating it up, and the instructor is all, "10 more minutes!" What?! 10 Minutes?! I can do that, I won't die....maybe

OHhhhhhh no. Not 10 minutes. The instructor came over and was talking to us and I think Chassity, or was it Savannah...I don't know....piped up and said, "Oh, we're staying for the 2nd class too."

Ex-squeeze me?

2nd class??????

What is this'2nd' class you speak of?????

Apparently, those hard core workout bitches do 1 hour classes, and since this class was only 30 minutes, they decided to do it twice. Spank you very much. And I'm pretty sure they neglected to tell me. Rude.

Actually, I think they did tell me, but I'm blaming my weakness and patheticness (it's a word) of only wanting to do a 30 minute work out on them. It's fine.

Needless to say, my hoohaa and ass area are hurtin' today. And not because the hubby and I had a long bang-bang session either. Those damn leg torture machines are TOUGH. Especially when the measly muscles you do have are equivalent to a flamingo's legs and a squirrel's arms.

And then I wore heels today. What the f*ck is wrong with me?
Don't answer that.


Day 2 is almost done!!
Tonight is the Fierce Class at the Y.
Lord help me.......
And my hoohaa and ass area.

Look out day 3! We're comin' to get ya!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Sugar Detox 2013! Day 1!


Y'all ready for this?

Our first day sans the SugarDevil.....aren't you excited?!?!
Ya, I could just fart rainbows I'm so happy.

Anyone else eat their weight in double fudge iced brownies yesterday????


Ya, me neither.

There's even a jar of *gasp* Candy Corn on my desk and I soooooooSOSOSO wanted a little handful this morning. Just a little sompin'sompin'. But nope! I refrained. And I'm moving the jar to the kitchen, so it's out of sight! GO ME!

We can do this ladies!!! As Cat said this morning, "CRUSH IT!"

Friday, October 18, 2013

Make Sugar My Bitch 2013

Ok, I got word back from some girls and here's the ground rules....very simple:


Yup, that's it.

It means, no donuts for breakfast, or not eating an entire sleeve of oreos for lunch, or loading your coffee with 4 lbs of sugar. None of that.

BUT, you can have FRUIT & HONEY.

Those are natural sugars our body needs. So I think that's ok. However, I'd be a little wary of the Honey, at least make sure it's PURE honey. Sometimes they end up processing the shit out of that too (when there's absolutely no need for it). And if you can buy from a local....even better!!

The challenge starts Monday. And, for me, this isn't a 1 month goal or a 3 month goal, it's a goal for the rest of my life. That crap has no right to be in our bodies!! JUST SAY NO!

We'll all need each other's help, so blog about it, FB about it, text if you have #s, email, WHATEVER you need!


Go Team!

Dillyn's 1st KSU Football Game!

 Last weekend was a huge milestone. HUGE. Pretty Miss D got to attend her very first K-State function! One of many to come!!

Ryan and I joked that she'll probably grow up and want to go to stupid KU (Kansas University). Ryan said, 'That's fine, she can just pay for her own college then. We'll take her college fund and buy a new car.'
Sounds good to me!
No way am I giving any of my money to those KU asses. (Can you tell there's a rivelry?)

First stop on our trip was Grandma Julie's house. Her and Grandpa Hardy decided to join us on Sat for the game, so we thought we'd just stay at their place, which is only an hour away from KSU.

As you can see, Baby D loves her grandma!

Saturday we woke up and got everything together. Man, how life and tailgates have changed. It used to be I was so concerned with how much beer we could fit in a cooler, and if drinking at 6:13am in the morning is borderline alcoholic (btw, it's not when it's on a game day, that's the exception). Now, it's all about not getting baby shit on your game-day jersey and pumping your life away so your child won't starve.

Goodbye are the carefree days of getting so drunk you can't find your tailgate after the game and you end up partying with complete strangers. How I will miss thee.

We ended up getting to the tailgate about an hour before the game, and we determined that Dillyn was well fed enough that Mom and Dad could go into the first half of the game and leave her with the grandparents.

I will tell you that I checked my phone for a emergency text message about ever 2.3 seconds and barely paid attention to what the cute men in tight football pants were doing. Nervous Nancy much?!?! Joys of being a new mommy.

Good news is that Dillyn did absolutely wonderful! Grandpa Hardy wrapped her up in his camo coat and they had good times:

During half time we got some good family photos:

Clearly, you now know why purple is my FAVORITE color.

K-State games are VERY family orientated. Our first tailgate was with my mom's side of the family, who have been going to games since the stone age.

Our second stop was my dad's (Mike) side of the family. My cousin Ashley had her daughter on Sept. 5th, just 2.5 weeks after Dillyn was born. So, the second generation of cousins is going to be close too!!!

That's Ashley and her daughter Mya. Look at her CUTE cheer outfit!!!

Then grandma needed some D time:

This year, KSU (with the help of A LOT of Alumni donations) built a brand new press-box and suites for the stadium. I wish I had a picture of the old one, but it was ghetto 80s fabulous. The new one fits more in with the theme of campus. All the buildings on campus are limestone and 'castle' like. So here's the new stadium:

Then at night, it's sooooo pretty:

Some of the suites in that bad mama jama go for 1/2 a million dollars. WHAAAAA???!!! Clearly my tiny photography degree that I got from KSU isn't going to provide the lucrative funds to be able to sit in the new suites. I call bullshit on that.

Anyway. We ended up staying at the game till about 7pm, and getting home around 8. Dillyn did soooo good. We were all wiped out, that's for sure.

I can't wait till next year when she'll be over 1 and walking around and chatting it up!!! How cute is that going to be!

It's beer FRIDAY!!!! AND I CAN DRINK NOW!!!!

Actually, I could really use a beer right now. Come on 4:30pm!!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

1. Day 4.......still blows as much as Day 1 away from my baby girl.

Well, the being away from Dillyn part isn't as bad as it was on Monday.....but the being at work part.....Holy mosquito balls it sucks beyond belief.

It's like I didn't miss a beat, I come back, and my desk is piled with bullshit, my inbox is filled with crap, and I want to crush my skull against some concrete.

Basically I have a lot of shit and my head hurts.
Oh the joys of employment.

2. OK. Make Sugar My Bitch (aka Sugar Detox 2013): I think we need to lay some ground rules down. I've got some peeps that are doing it with me. My lovely Cat, the randy, spandy, handy (wink, wink), Dandy Bandy Julie, and the hilarious and super fun andthencameforty from And They Lived Happily Ever After. Am I missing anyone?!?!

Anyways, I thought I'd let you know my feelings on this whole shenanigans. I think we should eliminate Processed Sugar. So, white sugar, white flour, white rice, candy, candy bars, donuts, etc. But I think if we want to have Pure Honey, that should be fine???? Thoughts????

3.  I joined the YMCA yesterday. Dolphin claps for MEEEEEEeeeeeeeee.

And guess what?

No really...guess....

I'll wait....


Ok, fine.

I was talking to some girls at work and they have a fun little group that goes to classes in the evenings at different Y locations around town!


There are actually people at my employment that aren't psychotic and want to work out?!?!

I've died and gone to weight loss heaven!

I've deemed our group the Work Out Bitches.
Original. I know. Don't hate.

I'm starting with them on Monday (I think), but definitely Tuesday, where we go to this class called 'Fierce'.
I kinda like that......mmmmm....Fierce! BOOM! Maybe I should change my name to Fatty Fierce. It's kinda like Sasha Fierce, but without being, well, Beyonce-fabulous.

4.  Wanna know who is fabulous tho????

Baby Dillyn.

Yup. For shizzle.

Little thang has slept for 8 hours straight for the last two nights!!!!!
I don't even know how to function on this much sleep. F'real.

I told the daycare lady to keep doing whatever it is she does, because this is AWESOME!

5. Speaking of daycare.....I walked in yesterday and got growled at by a tiny innocent looking blond head girl. Like, not a cute 'awww, you're going to be a little puppy for halloween' type growl, but a weird, very life-like-psycho-beast-kujo type growl. Then she hopped up the stairs and bounded off down the hall like a normal child to inform the daycare lady that 'Dillyn's Mom is here!'.

I think I just entered the twilight zone.

If she teaches Dillyn to growl like that, shit's going to hit the fan. Mama be pissssssed!
That's all I need is my child hiding in a dark corner growling at me.

6. Looky looky:

She's going to be swimming in it, but I don't care! She's going to look so cute!

I'm also going to paint her hands black and then press them on a large pumpkin, then lay her all pretty like by it and take some pro pictures. Not with her costume on, this is different. Maybe she'll just be nekkid. Or wearing a solid color onesie or something. Just go with me on this. It'll look cute. I'm hoping to do that this weekend. I'm so excited!!!!

7.  I quit FitOrBit.
I know. I suck.
It just wasn't for me. I have a hard enough time blogging let alone logging all my meals and work outs...daily. Especially now that I'm back to work and trying to keep sane with a baby.

My goal is still to lose about 28 lbs by Xmas, but I think I'm going to try and do it on my own. I know what to eat (and what not to eat) and how to work out. I just need to DO IT. I think working out with the girls at work is going to help. And having a gym membership that has a daycare that I can just drop Dillyn off, run a few miles and then pick her back up, that's going to help out a ton. Last time I tried to lift weights with her around, I had to stop 3 times to change her butt. Darn child. Doesn't she realize I'm exercising!!! Jeesh.

So anyway, here's to me doing this on my own....again.

8.  Ok, I can't think of any other randompants stuff to chat about. So I'm going to go.

Cheers y'all!!!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I think it's time to make Sugar my bitch.....

I think the Universe is trying to tell me something.

As I'm shoving my 2nd donut (the first donuts I've had in 2 months) in my mouth like a boss, I come across an article on Yahoo titled:
5 Surprising Signs You're a Sugar Addict

Yup, Mr Universe, bless his 'all-knowing' little heart, can suck it.
How does he always know?!?!?! *said in my whiny 2 year old voice*

I know I talked about giving up sugar this week, but things got a little hairy, and I decided to put it off.

But you know what I truly realized today? After reading:

Do you find comfort in dessert or reach for pasta or pizza when you're feeling down?.............Eating sugar releases opioids and dopamine into the body. Both of these chemicals basically send pleasure signals to your brain and help your body block pain. Sounds similar to the effects of narcotics, right? Consuming sugar makes you feel happy, which is the reason why we reach for it again and again.

That.......pretty much hit home.

For some 'strange' reason I'm really down today (being a sarcastic ass on the 'strange' part, because with all the shit I put up with on Sunday and Monday, it's no wonder I'm having a depression meltdown.) And what do I do to make myself feel better? Head straight to the gas station and mow down glazed deliciousness. Shitballs.

Obviously I need to break this cycle of me being Sugar's bitch.
I need to make Sugar MY bitch!
How I do that.....I do not know.
But I'm going to figure it out.

I definitely don't want that ho-bag  Sugar to be my boss. Sugar can suck it too. And I definitely don't want Dillyn to have the same struggles as me.

Well, today's already shot. And I have a mammoth jar of candy corn on my desk that I won't be able to resist because I'm a weak bastard, so I'm going to start on Monday.
Monday it is.
No more sugar. 
No more feeding my feelings. 

Anyone else want to go on a sugar detox with me?!
I know, I know, classic timing with Halloween right around the corner. I'm stellar that way. Don't hate.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Let me tell you a little about Hell....

D Day has passed. And it sucked. Big.Donkey.Balls.

Baby Girl woke up at 4am....nothing new there. However, after putting her to bed at 4:30, and laying down myself to try and get another measly 1 hour of sleep, my stupid motha effing mind wouldn't shut off. GAHHHHH!

Wait, let me back up.

Sunday night there was a little drama that I had to go through. Yeah. The night before one of the hardest days I could go thru as a mommy (so far anyway). F*ck you very much. Needless to say, while it was a bunch of bullshit, I've been so pissed it's been hard to think about anything else.

So, at 4:30am, I laid awake....thinking about bullshit. Until 6am, when I finally got up. Surprisingly, the morning went really smoothly. I got ready, Dillyn was good and only shit her drawers once, AND it all ended up in the diaper! Shocking...I know. We got to daycare, I dropped her off, and I didn't even cry.

Again, I was/am so pissed that I couldn't even be sad about Dillyn. I guess that's the silver effing lining. Stupid ass lining.

AAAAAnnnnnndddddd, then I got to work.
Holy shitballs hitting 100mph fan blades made out of cheese shredder metal thingies.

First up: 2 hour meeting, 30 minutes after I walk in the door. Who schedules a meeting at 8:30 on a Monday morning?!?!?! Oh, that's NEW boss. Ya, they changed bosses on me while I was away. WELCOME BACK LAURA!!!! YAYYYYY. (Totally being sarcastic there.)

Second: Found a huge effing construction staple sticking out of my tire. Go to get it patched....nope, can't do it. It's too far on the sidewall, so I have to get a WHOLE NEW TIRE. And that would be $260.00 please, says the teeth missing, tobacco stained lips, dead sexy mechanic. WTF?!?!? Spank you very much Universe, you're really going balls to the wall today.

Oh, but gets better.

Third: The Husband calls.....



wait for it...........



he has the flu. THE FLU!!!! The effing stomach FLU!

Just shoot me.
After you force a tube down my throat and I beer bong a 30 pack.
And then I walk straight off a cliff.
Into a hole filled with tarantulas.
With fangs.

That would be easier to deal with than this stupid, crazy, ridiculously terrible day in Hell.

Good news: It can only get better from here.

Because if it doesn't,
I'm buying a one way ticket to CrazyLand.
(And, I'm taking my baby with me.)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Ten Things Thursday


I don't think I've done a TTT in for.evah!

1. Grandma Julie is going thru a midlife crisis. Yes folks. It's true.

Went out and bought THIS:

It's official.
Grandma's a Gangster.
Or a pimp.
Or a gangster-pimp.

Ohhhhh, mother.......

2. Someone started smiling back this week:

Annnnnnnnndddddd......that's going to make it about ten gazillion times more hard to go back to work on Monday.

Yes, Monday the 14th is D day.
The 8 weeks are up.
Please pray for me.

PS: Miss Smiles above just dropped a hilatious load in her pants right next to me. Whhheeeeewwwww stinky.

3.  I cut my hair yesterday. Well, I didn't, but my stylist did. I love it!

BTW, that smile is totally fake. In real life I feel like ass. I've had a cold since Monday, and my nose pretty much does this:

4. Anyone else have a weirdo dog that does things like this?

Apparently the curtains are in his way.

5. OK, so I started a new diet/exercise program a week ago. Ya, was a rock star for 3 days, then I got sick. Perfect. Story of my life.

But anyway. It's FitOrBit and I absolutely love it! Basically you pay for a trainer (online) who maps out a meal plan and exercise program for you weekly. You converse back and forth thru email, you can ask questions or comment on what you like or don't like, then they give you encouragement or a kick in the ass when needed. I paid for 3 months. I'm trying to get from 170 to 140 by Christmas!

I lost 30 lbs of pregnancy weight before I started this. Actually, I lost 25 lbs the first two weeks. (And ummm, I gained 50lbs during my pregnancy, but we're not talking about that, mmkay?!) So my starting weight was 150 before pregnancy. I got up to 200. Then lost 30, so I started FitOrBit at 170, and after a week I'm already down 1.5lbs to 168.5. And I'm not expecting a whopping loss this week with being on the edge of death. But I have done REALLY good on my diet. I've *almost* cut out all sugar. Ya, almost. It's a work in progress people. Monday I'm cutting out it for good. Ugh. No more ice cream. No more 3 Musketeers. No more Candy Corn. Life blows donkey pee-pee.

But I'll keep you updated on how things are going. I'm actually getting ready to take Dillyn and Wyatt on a walk here as soon as I get done with this. I'm supposed to do a weight circuit, but I don't think I have the strength for that.

6. Look at these hands:

I think Dad is going to get his wish of a star basketball player. She'll be palming BBalls by the time she's 2.

7. My friend Jessica was all braggy about saving a shitload on diapers the other day on FB, so I decided that I'd try and top her. Just kidding, she wasn't 'all braggy', but she did inspire me to be a coupon whore at Walgreens yesterday.

Check it:

I got diapers that will last TWO MINUTES months and saved $76 buckeroos!!!!

8.  I went to this thing called the Kansas Barn Sale last weekend. It was this cute little craft fair type thing in the middle of the country. And there were TONS of vendors. There were antiques, metal cut outs, photographs, food, baked goods, furniture, picture frames, handmade goods, and jewelry!

I got this for Baby D:

It's sparkly gray and peach! How cute is that going to look with a long sleeve white onesie and white tights! And maybe some white boots?!?!
Oh my god I can't wait to get her in it!

I also got a bunch of jewelry!

I didn't get this exact bracelet, but I got one really similar. It's PENNIES!!! And she puts things on the back then lacquers them! OMG I'm obsessed! Here's her Etsy WEBSITE! Check her out! It's reasonable priced too!

9.  Holy plastic balls, Paris Hilton is on the Hoda and Kathy Lee show and she looks like a plastic statue. Gross. Seriously, she's got a shiny face and this huge fake hair. What stylist told her that she looks good like that?!
I'm going to save you the agony and not put a picture up.
You're welcome.

10. Lastly! I just want you all to know that I got every message and comment that you sent me these last 8 weeks, but I haven't responded. I know. I'm a sucky friend. But I truly appreciate it!!! Every time! I need to get my shit together and respond to ya'll, it's just been hard to put that sweet chubby cheeked baby down! So keep them coming and know that I love you all!

Cheers to beers at Dillyn's very FIRST KSU football game this weekend!
I'll totally have pictures next week!