So remember when Dilly was born and like 2.5 days later I decided to take her and the dog to the vet? Well, not taking her to the vet, but the dog. You get it. Anyways, taking the dog.......with a newborn. Because i'm badass. And being so badass, I ran out of the house right after I breastfed and apparently forgot to hook up one of the lady saddles. So there I was, flying free. As the 65 year old male vet looked over Wyatt.
Good day for him.
Good day for everyone.
So, anyways, fast forward to today.
I got about negative 8 hours of sleep last night and in an effort to live up to my 'badass' mom status, I decided to take Dilly to the pool today. Normal. Do it all the time. Supersauce.
There we were, just hanging out. You know, sliding down the slide. Splashing around. Trying to get as much energy exerted as freaking possible so that Mama could go home and pass the hell out.....as baby napped too, of course.
And then it happened.
Flashbacks to a time so unhinged that one couldn't possibly repeat it.....let alone top it like a cherry on a sundae.
Damn. Now I want ice cream.
So, I'm getting ready to help Dillyn down the slide for like the 27 THOUSANDTH time.....And right when she gets to the bottom............
The back clip to my top came unhooked.
WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAPPEN TO ME?!?!
So I grab my top, hoping and praying that no one had the misfortune of seeing 'the girls' fly free.
I mean, seriously, no one needs to see that. Bless their hearts, they're like two little golf balls at the end of a toddler's tube sock. And all these poor people at the YMCA just don't need that in their lives.
Oh wait.....TODDLER!!! Holy Mother of Free Tits, MY daughter just went down the slide!
Yup, there she is, face down, nearly drowning with her little puddle jumper floaty as 'the tube socks' fly free.
So I grab her, and try to grab the girls. And we all try to shield ourselves from any poor civilians that may be of witness.
Unfortunately, there were witnesses. I mean, at least, I only saw one girl directly that watched the entire episode. You just wait my high school bumpkin.....you just wait.....you will be a mom one day and this shit will DEFINITELY happen to you. But I'm sure there were more witnesses. I may have even flashed a right nipple again as I was trying to pull Dilly to the slide stairs so I could get at least both hands to hook my shit back up.
Is it just me, or do other mothers have this much trouble with their boobs? I mean, really. What.The.Hell.
Bottom line is I didn't drown my daughter.
Points for me.
And I might or might not have given the worst boob show to a bunch of stay at home moms, young college kids, and other random boys/men/whothefuckcares. Not to mention all the 'children'.
This is my life.
And it's only fitting I share.
I write once in a year now. And it's all about boobs.
You're welcome. And this is why we're friends.