I've tried to think of something enlightening and uplifting to write about.....then I remembered I'm neither of those things. And this blog is definitely never done any of that shiznit! lol
New with me: I'm still a mom. I haven't somehow screwed that up yet. But this cutie pie makes it easy:
I can't make this shit up.
She poses like this on her own. Clearly she's more photogenic than her mother. (who likes being behind the camera for a reason.)
Fun fact #498: That rocking chair......That was my grandmothers, and she gave it to me. Funny thing, there's a little 'stain' on the seat.....well, that'd be from yours truly when I was a baby. I crawled up in the chair and wet my pants. Like all cool girls do. Well, it left a stain. And even after my grandma had the chair redone, it's still there. How cute is that?! Maybe D will take pics of her daughter in this chair someday.
Other news.....ummmm, I've been going to the gym still with some badass work chicas. I'm down to 162.5, but I fit in my size 8 pre-preggars jeans!!!! Woop woop!
Work sucks dinosaur balls. Still. God, could they all just leave me the fuck alone?!?! It's kinda funny, there's a lot of manipulating assholes that work there. And I pretty much want to tell them to shut their dickhole (thank you Rebecca's sister for that lovely word) every other minute. But I don't. Mostly. Good news is I see thru their dogshit and am heading them off. Dear moron: You think you can get rid of me......mawahahaha....oh no you dit-ent. I will make your life hell. Because that's the kind of bitch I am. Spank you very much for hiring me.
You ever have that feeling that everything in your life is going completely fantastic, but there's this one part where you want to have a mulligan? OK, maybe not a mulligan, but maybe a chance to let things die. But in a good way? I'm still struggling with how my bio dad, Martin, is a life sucking lying shithead. It's not that I want to start a relationship back up with him, obviously, it's just that I want closure. I can't forgive him. But yet, I can't move on. And for my mental sake, I sooooo need to move on. How do you let go of something that has been the most horrific and yet defining point in your life? I hate, literally and seriously HATE him and what he's done to me but more importantly my family. My mom. His 2nd wife. And my current 'extra' mom. How?!
My counselor says that forgiving isn't condoning, it's allowing the past not to control you anymore. How in the fucking hell do you get past the feeling that if you forgive, you're saying that what they did was 'ok'?!
But more importantly, how do you get over something that controlled your life for 31ish years, made you the strong, independent, and 97% screwed you the fuck up???
Riddle me that asswipe.
My counselor said that I need to talk to him. That I need to ask my questions and hear his answers and that will give me closure. I know I can't see him in person. So I said that a phone conversation might be ok. But truly....the only question I have is WHY? And I know that when he answers, the diarrhea that spouts from his mouth will be lies. Because that's what he does.....lie. Manipulate. Twist reality.
Lord I need to let go of the hate.
So, do I call him and ask WHY? knowing that I'll get told lies. But that I might end up feeling some closure? Or do I continue with the hate? Hoping that time heals.
Sorry, that was super depressiontown. But that's what I've wanted to write about, but just haven't had the guts.
In conclusion, life is great. But I still need help. Seems to be a pattern.
Y'all stay warm now!
With beers.
It helps.
What a cutie! She looks good in purple!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it helps to go into a conversation like that with the mindset that their answer isn't going to be the truth, but that it is the lie/excuse they have created to help them justify what they did. Maybe hearing that excuse will help you understand the screwed up mentality that caused their actions. It doesn't make it better, but it might give you some insight? Just my two cents. I hope you can find some of that closure soon!
Ok - I'm no therapist BUT I disagree with talking to him. I mean honestly - will anything he say be a good enough reason for the hurt and pain? When you're done you'll still hate and wonder why. I think people like him do not have answers or know why - or they wouldn't do the shit they do. They aren't rational and they don't think like rational people - so they make the same mistakes over and over. Normal people - make a mistake - and never do it again, right? THOSE are the people you can forgive and stop hating. I always swore I'd love to talk to my Uncle to ask him why because he I knew his suicide was solely responsible for changing my life in a negative way but now that I think about it....NOPE. He could never have said anything that would have made it okay or have taken back the tears I cried. The battle was within myself. It really had nothing to do with him. And literally - the ONLY thing that ever made it better was time. And aging and learning. I don't know. Maybe I'm not making sense. I hate that you are hurting and that this is eating you up inside but right now - at this point in your life - what you're feeling about him is what you're supposed to be feeling about him. Shitty things happen to good people. Shitty people end up hurting us over and over until we make them stop. It is what it is but it's too recent for you to feel any way okay about this. It's too soon. I wish I could end your pain. I'm sorry honey.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how best to say this, but the only way I've been able to get over the things that were done to me in my youth, was to have a good life. And certainly I have found that what Drazil said is true...time and aging were the things that allowed me to look back and see that where I am right now is so much greater than those things in my past. And it literally just came together a few seconds ago, when I was listening to a song. I read your post yesterday, and obviously it stayed with me, but when I was listening to that song (I Lived by OneRepublic), I realized that with every great or even good thing I do or that happens to me, I get that much further away from the low parts. Sometimes my past punches me in the face, but most of the time I am just so much in the present and the future that I don't consider anything else.
ReplyDelete