Friday, September 7, 2012

I have officially been to Hell, and this is why:

You know when you're at the chiropractor, and the bastard is twisting and contorting you so that you look like some f*cked up jumbo pretzel on crack?

And just when you think you can't possibly contort any more, he freaking crabs the opposite leg and shoulder and body slams you into the little bench/bed thingy. All your intestine's are shmooshed together like 27 elephants crammed into a cop car and you feel like  your going to hurl up last years breakfast.

And then it happens........................

The whisper in the panties.

The anal acoustics.

The butt bark.

Yes, yes folks, I tooted.
Involuntarily, of course.

And of course it's at a lull in the conversation, so I'm positive that pretty much anyone in a 4 block radius probably heard it.

I look up at the Doc from my pretzel twist, try to shrug my shoulders and am like, "Woops, I guess I had a little fluff build up."

And that's when he just stares at me.

Then, after what seems like 4 years of uncomfortable silence he asks, "What?"

And I'm all, "You know, I tooted. Sorry 'bout that."

And then he stares at me some more.
Another 4 years of agonizing-I-want-to-crawl-onto-railroad-tracks-and-have-head-on-contact-with-a-train silence follows.

I'm thinking, WTF?! Quit staring at me swan! You've had to have heard someone break the wind before!

That's when he goes, "Ohhhhh, you farted! I didn't even hear it."

Sweet motha f*cking baby Jesus.


  1. Too funny! Doesn't he know-Girls don't fart they fluff.

  2. rofl---you should have told him you quiefed(sp?) but I go for the shock value

  3. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I think it's AWESOME you owned up to your "butt-bark" and he didn't even know it happened! However I think he did know, just chose not to say anything which caught him offgaurd when you said something...he was trying to play it cool... lol

  4. Im sorry girl, but I'm in my office just dying of laughter! That is SO funny! Apparently, you don't stink enough... Work on that! I'd have turned that guy 16 shades of green! LOL


  5. Totally play it off like it was HIM next time. "Well geeze...that was professional! Good to know it happens to everyone. Made me smile though!"

    Him "Umm...what?"

    You "You farted. I heard it. No biggie. Happens to us all"

    Whatever you do stand firm in your accusation.

  6. i tweeted the link to this btw. Now at least 800 people on twitter are gonna know you fart :D

  7. OMG I died reading it!!! Pretty sure my whole office heard me laugh out loud. oops...made my day!

  8. HAHAHA!!! That is mortifying. Almost as good as your post about running and tooting. :)

  9. I am sitting at work, getting ready to work the first school dance of the year. I just read this and started cracking couldn't catch my breath kinda laughing. The other teachers are looking are looking at me like I am all kinds of crazy. Farts are the funniest thing to me for some reason. Yes, I am secretly a 10 year old boy in an old lady's body :)

  10. I read this early in the morning and seriously smiled about it all through the day. I sooo wish I could have been in that room. I would have pointed and yelled, "Ew Laura. How could you?" if I could have stopped laughing long enough to talk. Also - if this happened to me I'd never go back. Like ever.

  11. OMG!! hahaha this is one of my fears in the 48755748745 chiro appts I've had the past 2 weeks since I was rear-ended... HAHA!

    I call my chiro's office the blue room of pain. the trigger point therapy he does on me is some of THE most painful shit I've EVER felt!!!!!

  12. You have a deaf chiropractor that is into S&M? Just guessing here.

  13. Damn, ain't that always the way?!

    (On a slightly-related note: I've been datin' ol' Steve for 8 months and he still hasn't heard me fart. I keep trying to push one out in front of him, but they keep on being SILENT ONES. FML, too.)

  14. You are so hilarious! any time I'm feeling bummed...I just march my fanny to your blog for a good ole belly laugh!! Thank you!!


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