Wow, this completely-sober-shitfest-week has just flown by.
1. Since temps have dropped below Satan's-ballsack-hot around here, I've been leaving the poor abused puppy outside during the day. NOT all cuddled up in OUR bed, like normal. Well, yesterday morning, I left him in because the husband still hadn't gotten up for work, so I just figured he'd put him out when he got up. Usually, when Wyatt stays in, I put his little blankey on the bed, to protect the comforter from his nails/hair/dirt/mud/smell...whatever. Well, yesterday, since I knew that Ryan would let him outside, I just made the bed as normal, but opted not to put his blankey down.
I got this text at about 9:30 yesterday morning:
First of all, is that not the most pitiful site you've ever seen?! You're welcome Cat for starting off with a Wyatt pic!!!
Second, if you get past all the 'pitiful me look', notice something missing from the bed. Yes, yes, that is correct. Y'all are so smart. His BLANKEY is NOT on the comforter.
Sneaky spoiled rotten furball.
Someone got a serious lecture when I got home last night.
2. Last weekend we went to the Ranch. My mission was exactly this: sleep, read, watch movies, sleep, read, sleep some more.....then watch another movie. I'd just like to point out I dominated that mission.
Like a boss.
Ryan's mission was to climb up trees and do boy things.
We did end up spending one lazy evening up on a hilltop 'searching' for the illusive deer. Well, Ryan searched for the deer, I played with the Puppy and took pictures.
BTW, just in case you were wondering, in about 2 hours, we saw 2 doe. That's it. Two.
Good times, good times.
3. I have gone 8 days sans booze.
Elizabeth made me a medal, bless her amazing heart:
It's not as bad as I thought.
Now, on Tuesday, I stayed an extra 1.5 hours at work to fix my F*cking moronic printers and sure could've used a nice cold one, but I went on a walk instead. And felt so much better.
Now this weekend is going to be the big challenge. My cousin is back from Afghanistan and we're throwing a big party for him. I will be the ONLY one sober. Life will suck moose knuckles. And I'm going to have about 300 people asking me why I'm not drinking, because I'm pretty sure, since I was about 18, I've had booze in my hand at every family function. I could explain that I'm on meds that make me sick to drink......which is true. ORRRRRrrrrrr I could have some fun with this.
Oh, why am I not drinking, you ask???
-I noticed the more I drank, the thirstier I was for blood. Weird.
-Michael Jackson came back from the dead and spoke to me one night and said I had to stay sober for 6 months. Completely believable.
-It started to give me uncontrollable shits. Ok, that might be a little over the top.
-I lost a bet. And it was either this or run around nekkid with used men's funderwear on my head while I scream like someone just branded my ass with a fire poker, every night for a month. Polish off the straightjacket.
I know for damn sure I'm going to have to dodge the pregnancy question like every 2 minutes.
BTW.....I'M NOT PREGNANT........Mom!
I don't know. I'll come up with something fun. Just to f*ck with them all. hehehehehehe.
4. I've had some serious cravings for gummy snacks lately. Like, for sure the Devil is inside of me, because cravings have gotten a little demonic. (And I swear to God, I am not preggars. SWEAR!)
Well, I can't find any good gummies that are good for you at the store. So I did a little research and decided to try drying some fruit instead.
First step was figure out which fruit.
I thought about strawberries, but opted out of it. Just not in the mood.
Next was mandarin oranges. I love orange flavored ANYTHING.
So I bought some natural canned oranges and put them in my dehydrator.
They're actually really good. The oranges, not the bear turds, if you were confused. I have to be careful, because I could mow down that bag in like 2.4 seconds. And that's a lot of oranges.
So I portion out 10 pieces or so, and go to town on those.
They're tangy and sweet and hit the spot!!!!
Y'all should try it!!!
5. Oh, and while we're on food...........I found a new lunch favorite:
-Turkey, Tomatoes, Lettuce, a little Bacon (because bacon is the food of Gods), shredded Mozz, and some Spicy Pepper Hummus all wrapped up in a tortilla.
I would've made another for yesterday (that was Tuesday's lunch in the pic), but I thought I'd be the nice wife and leave the last of the turkey for my darling husband. Dolphin claps for me.
(It could be that I'm buttering him up for all the money I'm going to be spending next week in Chi-Town....but we'll just pretend it's because I'm 'nice'.)
6. Guess what this girl is doing Dec. 8th???!?!?!?!?!
Going to see this sexy beast:
ERIC CHURCH PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
God, I'm so excited I could just pee.
7. Oh, so I noticed the other day, while perusing the highly intellectual gossip columns, that some bitch had not only stolen my next husband, but the little ho-bag stole my ring too:
8. We have our company BBQ today. It's always the same thing......hockey puck hamburgers, brats, hotdogs, french fries (with an assload of salt on them), cookies, ice cream, and sodas.
It's weird, while I always look forward to these things as a 'cheat meal', today I just really want something healthy. It'd be one thing if the burger was like 8% fat or something, but I'm pretty sure they're pre-made patties with more fat than actual meat.
I am going to have a cookie and ice cream though. Maybe even 2nd helpings. Maybe.
If I can't drink, damn it I'm going to devour chocolate anything!
9. I went to TJMaxx last night, trying to look for a fancy dress for next weekend in Chicago, but failed that mission. Instead, I found an adorable tank top instead.
It's sorta like this:
It's freaking amazing. I can't wait for y'all to see it!!!
And I have decided to not over-pack my shit next weekend, so I can drop some serious $$$ on new cloths, shoes, shoes, and more shoes. Like, I'm packing bare essentials. And I'm carrying on, so that doesn't leave a lot of room. But I can do this.
10. I mentioned that I'm going to a big party for my cousin Corey this weekend, but I think i need to elaborate on the 'big' part. First of all, Corey just got back from his 3rd tour in Afghanistan about a week or so ago. He's married to the most beautiful sweet little lady Jessica, and they have a son Akahi, whom Ryan and I are his God-parents. Corey and his family all came up here the beginning of the week, and it's the first time any of the family have seen Akahi. And it happens to fall almost on his 2nd Birthday. So, reason for the party #1: Akahi turns 2. Reason #2: Corey's back. Add those two up and you get a drunkfest.
We're having it at my Mom's house in Topeka, you know, the one where she lives on the Indian reservation, about 1 mile from the casino, out in the country, where we ride Go-Carts and shoot guns and go fishing at 3am. Basically Hickville, USA.
Anyways, the party starts at 4pm, and will include shooting, blowing things up, and playing the game of Stump. Holy shit y'all, Stump is on Wikipedia. Awesome.
Well, that's not the only thing that's going on. Last week I got a call from my mom's BF Hardy and he's all, "Well, I'm really excited about the party. I hired a DJ and everything."
Holy Christ on a crutch.
Good thing mom doesn't have any neighbors. And the ones she does have will probably be there completely wasted, and won't care about the decibel level.
Then a few days later, Mom calls me and leaves me a message to call her. I get in the truck (Ryan and I are driving back from dinner) and I said, "Hey do you mind if I call Mom? She said to call her about the party."
This was Ryan's response, "Well, she probably wants to tell you about the bouncy house she's getting for the party, or the Ferris wheel, or the elephant rides, or the Blue Angles flying over."
Sadly, he was wrong. It was none of those things. Even though I really want there to be elephant rides.
She wanted to tell me that Hardy hired a guy to fry fish.
Only in Hickville.
And I just learned last night while out to dinner with my Aunt and Uncle that apparently Hardy is roasting a whole pig..................wait for it......................in a hole in the ground.
Yes, you read correctly.
Somehow, he is roasting a pig, in a hole, buried with dirt. I guess he starts a fire in a hole and lets it burn down to coals, then lays the pig on it, then covers it up somehow, to trap in the heat. Or something.
This is just way over my head.
The level of redneck is skyrocketing as I type.
And there's still 2 days left for him to come up with something else to 'add' to the party.
Jesus, Mary, and Bart Farts.
Oh, OH, and I forgot.......Hardy invited half the reservation. HALF.
This is going to be the party of the century.
This weekend is definitely going to be one for the books.
And I WILL document every stupid, weird, and batshit crazy thing my family does. And post it here for all the interwebs to see.
You're welcome family. For having a badass blogger in the family.
Well, that's it for me!!!
Cheers to a good weekend y'all!!
I'm sure this is no surprise to you (since my relatives are of the redneck variety too) that I HAVE had pig that was roasted in the ground and it was AMAZING!!! If he knows what he's doing (and I'm gonna assume he does) it will be the most tender pork you've ever eaten...seriously, you haven't lived until you've been to a party where you can walk up to a dead pig and pull off some meat with your fingers and shove it in your mouth...LOLReplyDelete
Oh I love Hardy!!!ReplyDelete
I love roasted pig..just had it this summer back in North Dakota..it rules! And that ring rocks...I knew I loved him for some reason..his great taste in jewelry and his bum!
That shirt looks awesome specially cause your skinny! Great job on no drinking...the party this weekend is going to be HARD!!!!!You are bravee..I would probably leave early because I couldn't hang!
Pretty sure I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with the party lol. I come from hick town just south of K.C. so I know all about pig roasts and fish fry's! Good luck, can't wait to see pics! :)ReplyDelete
Blake is just his second starter wife until he realizes he is madly in love with you.ReplyDelete
And that ring...let's pretend it is a CZ.
You cant even yell at puppy. Totally husbands fault on the blankey. Sorry hubs! (But seriously, Wyatt is so stinkin' cute on that blanket that you can't be mad at hubs either, right? Exactly. :)ReplyDelete
They roast a pig. In a hole. As in, Hawaiian style? Do you dump a shitload of pineapple over it like in Hawaii and cover it with palm leaves? I'm perplexed... Have they ever tried this before? (God, I hope not! Cuz that will make for a MUCH more interesting story!)
P.S. Do you shoot does during hunting? In my world, if they're brown, they're down.... (Holy shit. I just actually said that. For the world to see. Christ... I might as well just move in with your family. Closet. Redneck.)
At my family reunion they kill one of their own hogs every year and cook it in the ground. And they have a huge iron kettle full of white beans that cook over the fire. And my own kin folk get up there and pretend like they are in a band. Of course by the time they start playing most people are so drunk they don't notice that it sounds like total shit. And their is always someone stubling close to the stage yelling "Play some Skynard!"ReplyDelete
I really want an invitation to that party! I could be your fill-in beer drinker, and I love me some fried fish!ReplyDelete
I'm going to try and be as delicate as possible here... but: WHERE THE HELL WAS MY INVITE? lolReplyDelete
I love fish frys. :'(