Friday, September 14, 2012

Purple alien pajama jeans.

Ya, the title has nothing to do with this post. Today I feel about 2 crayons short of a box. More on that later.

Well, the canning of the BadAss Spicy Dill Carrots is complete.
And I only have one slightly major burn on my palm.

Canning is such a slow process. God, it's like a 98 year old granny driving her '67 Buick 7 miles an hour on the Autobahn type of slow.
Fill up a gigantic pot with water, wait 42 days for it to start boiling, fill your jars with whatever the f*ck you're canning, start to wonder why the f*ck you planted so many damn carrots, ladle in the brine, make note to self to burn the garden down, put all jars in the gigantic pot, wait another 19 years for the water to start boiling again, then boil for 15 minutes, and finally shank yourself in the eye because vision loss would be less painful than all this freaking waiting.

Here is the process, mid-canning:

That is not a scary green monster in my sink btw, it's just half dead dill.

Seriously, my kitchen is like the size of a  handicapped porta potty. That means you're only allowed 1 ass in the kitchen at a time. No exceptions. Otherwise, you end up doing a ugly triple jump to hop over the dog, pirouette around your husband, all while holding either a really sharp Ginsu or a hot dish of lasagna, and trying not to body slam the fridge and end up stabbing yourself, your husband, the fridge or the dog. Or spill lasagna down your shirt and burn your tatas.
Basically, the spacious room makes canning a breeze.

Here's the ingredients making their way into the jars.

And the finished product!!!!

Only took 4 hours off my life.
And now I have 13 jars of spicy carrots for my bloody mary's.
Shitballs, forgot I'm not drinking.

Just kidding.

Next up is a dump truck load of salsa.

Oh, and while we're on the subject (***WARNING: Boys, you better just skip this part. Yucky girl stuff.), I hate being a woman.

Ya, that had nothing to do with canning. Moving on.

As defined by wikipedia: Menstruation is the shedding of the uterine lining.

As defined by LauraBelle: Evil satanist demons using wire bristle brushes, dipped in acid, and set on fire to scrape the inner lining of your internal organs off, all while your mind completely leaves your body and is replaced with a Misery-style Kathy Bates mixed with a little poltergeist to drive yourself and anyone within 10 miles of you batshit crazy.

I want to either physically rip out my uterus or be tarred and feathered, either way, those things would be less painful than what I'm going through right now.

Sorry to go off there for a minute, but because of the pain, my thought processes consist of either woman's issues or the thought of puking. So I went with woman's issues on this.
See, I'm not even making sense.
Damn you Mother Nature!!!!!

I should go.
And die.
Or cut a person.

OK, going now.
And I'll try not to cut a person.


  1. my cramps have been HORRIBLE this month. Yesterday I just wanted to fact I think I yelled out in pain at one I would do if I had to can...I don't have patience for it but I love the pretty jars when you are done!

  2. Holy hell, I flippin' love you! I damn near choked on my Vitamin Water just now laughing at your silly ass! lol Can I just come over and we'll hang out every day, drink beer, and shoot empty cans off of the deck with a bb gun? I thought so. Be there in 20! ;)


  3. At least you KNOW how to can! My husband has been eating tomatoes for lunch and dinner for weeks because if he doesn't eat them, they will go to waste. Good thing he loves tomatoes! He might turn orange soon though!

  4. SALSA!!! You need to make a note to reread blogs from 2012 before plantin 2013 garden ;)

  5. the carrots look beautiful...and so sorry about shedding your uterine really sucks...

    but you made me laugh...again... at your misery...I really am starting to feel like a horrible person.

  6. I suggest cutting a person instead of dying. My philosophy is the anger should be directed outward not inward.

  7. Because you mentioned having to hop over the dog...I'm guessing Wyatt is a puppy who is constantly hoovering around the kitchen floor to see if any AWESOME pieces of carrots (which if he's anything like my Tweak he'll put in his mouth, play with for 2 seconds then SPIT out on my carpet. Thank you puppy!) and other awesome goodness falls on the floor. AmIrightorAmIRight?? : )


    Sorry for your cramps babe. I can sympathize! Cut someone...preferably one of your asses at work. /nod

  8. I have a one ass kitchen too. It gets very lonely in there cooking for so many people.

  9. I feel the pain of your one-ass kitchen. :(

    I might need some of those spicy carrots at BOOBs. lol

  10. Ha! We have a 1 ass kitchen too!

  11. Pretty sure canning takes so long because it use to be the only thing to take up your day. You back in the no electricity, shit in a hole days.

    I've stabbed the fridge. Fridges don't heal. Bastards.

  12. I to have a one ass kitchen. Those carrots look so damn good!!!!

  13. I feel your pain! We make salsa for a living...80 gallons at a time! Sucks monkey balls!


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