OK. Soooooooooooooooo sorry for the hiatus.....Lindsey......but I was at the lake and there's no WiFi.
But I'm back! And continuing with the blogging thang. I'm going to just jump ahead to what today would be....which I think is Day 7.
Here we go:
F*CKING SPIDERS
They can all burn in Hell.
And you know what's really freakin' out of this world scary?
Our dock seems to be the breeding ground for the dinosaur sized 8 legged beasts. *shivers* They're everywhere! But I close my eyes to it and ignore it. Because I'm at the lake and all. And they usually stay in the rafters, and I'm usually in the boat or water. Well, last weekend, I'm just swimming along, and I'm getting ready to use the ladder to get out and what do you know there's a hairy mammoth-sized devil spider crawling right where I would have put my hand.
Did I scream?
-No
Did I jump clean out of the water, grow pretty Pegasus wings and fly to the Bahamas?
-No
I calmly put on my big girl swim trunks and took my little floaty seat out from my enormous ass, and went about swatting the bastard until it was in the water.
I'm a hero!!!!
This is where those dolphin claps need to be happening by y'all.
And I need a sparkly crown too.
Well, my hero-ness lasted approximately 7 seconds before I realized that the freaky little bastard CAN SWIM!!!
What.The.F*ck?!?!?!
What kind of Satanist world do I live in where effing spiders can SWIM!!!???
And of course the little Michael Phelps wanna-be swam right for me. With it's fangs out. And drool coming down. And fire in it's eyes.
It was out for blood, people.
I was a goner.
I said my prayers and accepted my fate.
The little bastard would eat off my face and that's that.
But that didn't happen.
Obviously, because I'm here to tell the tale. Somehow, I out-swam the beast and made it to the dock before he could sink his talons in me. It was miraculous for sure.
And through the entire episode, I did not scream once. I may have hyperventilated slightly and almost drowned, but I didn't scream.
Bonus points for me.
So, that's my biggest fear. Bastard spiders. Doesn't matter the size. They're all the Devil's little torture pets to me. If I ever found a magic lamp (which will happen one day) I'm using one of my 3 genie wishes to illuminate all spiders. Except Daddy Long Legs. Because, while they are the most poisonous spider out there, they're mouths are too small to bite you, so I have no fear of them (seems logical). And they eat mosquitoes. And anything that eats mosquitoes gets a pass in my book.
A journey to beautification and a healthier me......plus my love of beer!
When I find the genie lamp and am finished with it- I will pass it to you.
ReplyDeleteThe day I realized daddy long legs were poisonous was a very bad day. They were the only ones I wasn't afraid of until then. I can't believe you didn't scream. I mean wow - just wow. You've got big hairy balls for sure.
ReplyDeleteOMG WHAT!!! Daddy Long Legs are poisonous? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? /faint
ReplyDeleteSeriously - I never knew that and now I'm terrified, they got a pass in my book because of the mosquitoes, however now that they are poisonous...I'm afraid of them. : (
Hahaha! I totally get this. I can handle snakes and mice....but omg spiders, those giant effing spiders! My dad took us all out on a pontoon ride one summer. It was the first time he had the boat out since the season started so there were thousands of spiders living underneath. As soon as we got out on the lake and kicked it in high gear, all the spiders started crawling up on the deck of the boat to avoid the water. It was my worst nightmare times infinity. My mom, sister n laws and I were all jumping around screaming, my brothers were trying to stomp them all and my dad was trying to keep the boat from tipping. I'm a grown woman and embarrassed to say I almost started crying. Lol. I swear I would have jumped in the water if there weren't a trail of spiders falling off and floating around the boat.
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