Lets see, it's no secret that I suffer from depression, as do a lot of people. Some have it mild, some have it severe. Some have it because of situations that are going on in their life at the time, ie divorce, death, etc. Others were just born that way.
I was born that way.
And while my depression isn't super suicidal severe, it can get pretty bad.
I've had two severe episodes in my life. First was in college; there I am, drinking my life away, sleeping all day, and flunking school. Who knew that there was something 'wrong' with me. I just thought I was a loser. But, with help from friends and a lot of family, I went to counseling and learned that I lack the 'happy gene'. Some people can function on a day to day basis and be happy, or have joy, but with me, I don't/can't. It's not that I don't smile or laugh, because I do, it's more that there's a feeling in the very back of my mind that I'm severely unhappy. Like, no matter how much I laugh, drink, sleep, eat, etc, nothing is going to make that little part of my brain have joy. And slowly, over time, that little piece of my brain becomes this huge chaotic shitstorm. And then I basically go batshit. Only I don't know it. It's like I'm abducted by the crazy aliens and replaced with a psycho.
In college, I worked very hard for about 2.5 years in counseling and using biofeedback, to get to a better place. I also got on medication, which helped a shit-ton. I was able to graduate college and be pretty normal.
Then I met Ryan and I felt like I didn't need the pills. I started to question the counseler and what he 'knew'. And a little piece of me wanted to be 'normal', sans the meds. So for 6 years I was pill-free. Whoopy.
And then I got on clomid to try and get pregnant and that's when my second episode exploded. I probably should have been institutionalized. Or straight jacketed. Or whatever.
It happened so slow (like it probably took years), that I didn't know what was going on. Ryan could tell, my mom could tell, but I kept believing that I was still 'normal'.
Jesus balls was I ever not normal.
The last few months before I got pregnant, it was bad. Really bad. I was drinking all the time. I was fighting with Ryan. I was bitchy at work. I just wasn't me. I didn't feel like me. Finally, Draz convinced me to get back on my pills. I was pregnant by that point, she made the point that my emotions are going to be all over the place with the pregnancy, and do I want to enjoy my time being pregnant, or do I want to bury myself under the covers the whole time?
Obviously, I chose to enjoy my pregnancy.
And you know what? After starting my pills (which is Zoloft, btw), I noticed a HUGE improvement in myself. Like monumental. It made me realize that I made the right choice.
I will struggle with depression the rest of my life. I'll probably be on pills the rest of my life. I will have to continue to practice biofeedback on a daily basis. I will have to work VERY HARD. And that's ok. I would rather do all that, than go back down that path of self destruction any day.
I'm so very glad you can share this bit of yourself with us. Thank you.ReplyDelete
Yeah...some folks don't get the "not naturally happy". While I'm not certain that I was born this way (I vaguely remember being a happy child till about 5); I'm not a "naturally" happy person...I have to remind myself to choose to be happy...and remind myself to smile not scowl and work really hard to be halfway decently happy. some days are better than others; sometimes it's too hard though I opt to just stay in bed and hte hubs doesn't get it. I may not be in your shoes "totally" but it's nice to hear someone talk about the taboo subject of depression because it's there and there is no shame because like you said some folks are born this way. maybe if more folks talked about it more folks would be comfortable seeking medication to balance things out best they can. I should be on meds (i was once) but chose not to but I don't have a great answer as to why I'm not. guess I like suffering or feel like I need to pay pentance? I know that's spelled wrong but...ReplyDelete
Love hearing that. I'm so glad you are choosing hard and happy!ReplyDelete
Don't ever delete this post or at least print if off and keep it somewhere. That way, if you ever feel like you don't need to take the pills anymore your can read it and remind yourself why you take them. Luv you, Laura!!ReplyDelete
Wow I think you just made me realize something very similar about myself. About 4 months ago I ran out of my prescription for Zoloft I dwindled off the last 7 or 8 pills taking 1/2 or so to prove I don't need no stinkin happy pill!! I am fine! I am good. I have noticed I am a lot more thirsty for the after work drinky poo and I have started crying again about evverrryyyyttthhiiinnnggg!!!! I am going to request a prescription re-renewal right now. Love ya Laura Belle thanks for sharing and helping!!!ReplyDelete