Friday, May 6, 2011

Arizona Trip, Installment #1

Hello all my little cuddlebears! I have missed you something FIERCE!

You know how you go on a vacation and it's amazing and fun and the best time of your life, then you get back to the boring reality of your daily existence and you realise you need a vacation from your vacation? Well, that's what happened to me this week and that's why I haven't been the super-duper blogger that I try to be.

But I'm back in the saddle now! Hang on to your reading glasses, because this one's a doozy.

My little mini vacation was fantastic! Absolutely stupendous! Downright fun-tastic! Oh, and the stories I gotta tell ya! Put on your Depends people, you just might pee your pants.

Arizona Trip, Installment #1: (yes, there are so many stories that's it's going to take installments)

The glorious trip started off traveling from miserable Kansas (and by miserable I mean it was 50 degrees with winds at 50 mph; oh...I looked super pretty with my hair blowing straight up and in front of my eyes, dragging my suitcase behind me as it almost blows away) headed to Green Valley, Arizona.  Green Valley is a little retirement community south of Tucson, nestled next to some beautiful mountains and kinda sitting down in a little valley. The weather was a very comfortable 85 degrees when I arrived Friday afternoon. I jumped off that P.O.S. puddle-jumper (jankity airplane) and did a little happy dance in the Tucson Airport because I was #1...alive, and #2 in absolute Heaven!

Next stop: the Rosengarten residence in Green Valley!!!
Beautiful view from my aunt's house.
My cousin Corey, his wife Jessica, and my sooo adorably amazing, handsome, and cute-as-a-button godson picked me up at the airport and we traveled the 25 miles south to my Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Charlie's house.

Akahi Rosengarten: My B. E. A. Utiful Godson

My Cousin Corey, Jessica, and Akahi
Let me just say that their house is A.MAZ.ING! It's the adobe style with tile floors, big windows, with high ceilings and a beautiful view.  The mountains are out front, and the pool is out back.
There is also a pool cabana, to the left of this picture, with a little potty, shower, and bar....fully stocked bar I might add. I mean, at least the fridge was full of brewskies, which is all I needed!

I literally threw my bags into my guest room and went straight for the cabana and the beer. (I know, shocking right?)  I had a few beers, caught up with my family and off we went again......this time to the VFW or The Legion.  Yep, that's right, we're going to the 'old folks bar' for a good time tonight. YIPEE (note sarcastic tone).  The whole ride over there, which was all of 10 minutes, I was thinking, "the VFW?! What?!".  But, we pulled up and there were cars everywhere! Looked like there was a serious par-tay goin' on inside, if you get my drift.  Ok, I thought, this'll be interesting.

We went in the back door, don't ask me why, but as we walked in, I looked around and my mouth hit the floor. The sight I saw was shocking. There was a bar that went along one ENTIRE long wall, then tables in front of that, and A LOT of tables I might add, then there was a dance floor....and it was packed! There were little old men and little old ladies all over the place, ages ranging anywhere from 50ish to 100.  They're dancing and talking and laughing and drinking! And the music was LOUD (probably because everyone had hearing aides, but who's judging), and of course 50s and 60s stuff, but still pretty cool.  All these grey little heads bobbing up and down and jiving to the rhythm; it was hilarious!

Then the bombardment happened.

Curly white fro's turned toward us like heat seeking missiles and started to close in.  I'm sure they were thinking: 'fresh meat!'  (I might add that we had my 6 month old godson with us, which is probably what all the attention was about.)  Little grannies were surrounding us, cooing and cuddling and saying, "oh, what a beautiful baby. Oh, and who are these other people?" That's when my aunt jumped in to tame the herd and started introducing me to about a million people that I will probably never see again.  Some had bluish-grey hair, others just pure white, all with bright lipstick, tons of blush and 'loud' outfits; and Oh My God the perfumes! One lady looked like she lived in a tanning bed for 95 years, and to accent her leathery skin she dyed her coiffure a silver/black zebra print style and wore sequin silver leather pants with a black biker-style-ish t-shirt, complete with sparkles. Very elegant.

After the chaos of the 'newbies' settled down a bit, the beers literally started pouring in. These tiny glasses were set on our table along with gigantic pitchers of beer.  And you wanna know how much that refreshing pitcher cost???? A beggarly $5.50!!!! Five dollars and fifty cents, are you for real old people? Yeah, and the couple sitting at our table, who were the sweetest people ever, said, "yes, and the prices just went up. Your uncle was a mighty pissed about that." "How much did it go up?", I asked. "Oh, I think about twenty-five cents."


That's just wrong.  And my uncle is irate that he's gotta pay a quarter more for a pitcher.  Holy beejeezus.

We stayed there for about an hour and a half, till the band stopped playing, which was about 9:30pm. Then the place cleared out. I mean, one minute it's packed, the next minute everyone decided it's way past their bedtime and they need to get home and put on their moo-moos and sleeping caps.

So, we headed for my Uncle Charlie's '2nd favorite bar': Los Agaves. (There's only 3 bars he shows his face to: the Legion #1, the Los Agaves, and the Legion #2. Seriously.)

This time we left the baby at home and it was just my cousin, aunt, uncle and I that visited this fine establishment. And you will not believe this place.  It's about the size of the bathroom at a McDonald's, with 3 half round booths and a bar that had 8 stools lined up to it.  I mean, you were butt to butt with some 85 year old dude and there was nada you could do about it.  Again, everyone in the place was 50ish to 100, except the bartender, whose name was Trent...or Trevor....I think.  Anyways, he was about my age; had a huge attitude problem with a side of smart-ass. My kinda man.

And in the middle of ALL of this was a karaoke machine.  (Just keeps gettin' better and better people. You can't make this shit up.)

When we walked in, there was a little ol' Mexican dude, about 75, singing some love song in Spanish. Perfect.  I was about 2 steps away from him (granted I was about 2 steps away from everyone in that bar) and he made eye contact with me. Crap.  He sauntered over (BTW, never seen anyone saunter, but this guy did it) and starts serenading me. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  I officially entered the retirement twilight zone.

The night went on, beers went down smooth, and songs were sang.  When I thought nothing could top my night, in walked a lady by the name of Lil' Bit.  She is my new idol, by the way.  Topping the ripe young age of 90, standing at a mighty 4 foot 8 inches and weighing a mere 95 pounds, she was decked out in all red, complete with red lipstick and a newly dyed hairdo.  It was like the seas parted; people hugged the walls to give her room.  And boy-o did she need room.  She wasn't large by any means, she just needed a little boogey room, because she was gettin' down tonight.  She shook that tush like Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussy Cat Dolls. She even did a little pole dance to some Macho Man.  It was fantastic.

I'd never seen anything like it.  90 years old, out on a Friday night at midnight, gettin' her groove on.  Priceless. That is so me when I grow up (watch out Ryan, you're going to have your hands full)!

All this happened just on Friday night.  That's the way the trip started. Old folks bar and Lil' Bit.  You just can't ask for a more entertaining way to begin your vacation. 

Friday night was the best, but just wait till you hear what we did on Sat. and Sun.!

Installment # 2 to come soon!


  1. I can just picture all this happening - love it! :)

  2. Sounds like a cool place to retire. I might have to check the place out. I'm fast approaching 50 myself but I doubt my hubby would leave Tennessee...

  3. Can't wait for your stories!

  4. OMG...that is the BEST. The BEST! I missed you and your stories. Even if it was just for a little while. :)

  5. Thanks Laura, but they raised the pitcher prices FIFTY CENTS. If they had only raised it 25 cents I would have only been mildly pissed!!! Charlie


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