Monday, May 20, 2013

So, how was your Sunday afternoon??? Mine??? Oh just rainbows and shitstorms. In Hell.

**Right after I wrote this a huge 2 mile wide tornado touched down in Oklahoma City today. It hit an Elementary School head on. PLEASE pray for everyone in Oklahoma!!**

While I've always enjoyed a good thunderboomer every now and again.....granted, I've gotta at least semi-like them living in the midwest where Mother Nature is obviously on a PMS sabbatical as of late.....last night was a teeny bit piss-my-pants scary.

Picture this. Wyatt and I are tucked away in a nice long afternoon nap, and at about 3:15, my phone goes off with a weather alert about our county being in a tornado warning. This is not the scary part. I've lived through numerous warnings and such, even a few actual tornadoes very close to my house, so a little warning is no big deal to me. So I grudgingly get up and shake my fist at the Bitch of Nature, and head to the living room.  I'd like to point out that my protector, Mr. Puppy, is still sound asleep in the bed. Not a care in the world.

The weather man is all in a tizzy.....yes, tizzy, it's a word....and he's pointing at the radar and proclaiming that there has been a rope tornado spotted about 30 minutes south of where I live. Super.
But living in KS my whole life, I know that the weather can change faster than Mr. Hefner changes his arm candy, so I went and got a bowl of ice cream (crucial storm watching nutrition) and sat back down to make fun of the weather man. By myself, btw, Ryan was at work.

Then I got to thinking. Shitballs. This POS rental doesn't have a basement. Fartcicles. I've never been in a storm without a basement. I mean, in the midwest, it's pretty much a give-in that any house has a basement to wait out the scary twisters. So who the hell built this one floor pile of pick-up sticks without the protection of buried concrete walls?!?! I would like to meet you.....and give you a high five.
In the face.
With a 2x4.

This is where I start to get a little scared.

I did remember that the nice little neighbor lady next door (and by lady I mean a woman about my age and she's also 26 weeks pregnant), gave us her phone number to call in case of bad weather and we could hide out in her basement. Perfect! Except she didn't answer. Double fartcicles.

By this time the weather man is about ready to poo in his pants because there's a 'rather large wedge tornado' on the ground, just sound of the airport and heading straight for my little one floor wonder home. Ryan calls about this time and he's all, "you need to get your ass next door. now!".

OK. Now I'm really scared.

So I load the backpack up full of all the important things. Like my laptop, camera, and kindle. (no judging) And I also fill up my water bottle. No idea why I thought this was a good idea at the time. I throw on my tennies and coat and head to the door. By this time, my 'protector' is out in the living room huddled in the corner by the couches and a tiny bit scared of all the lightening cracks, so I try to coax him to go outside with the pouring rain.....amongst his scary lightening. It went well.

Swear to God, he looked at me like, "Lady, you cray cray! I ain't goin' out there!!!"

I had to shove him out the door, and we sprinted across the yard to the neighbors. And it's a good thing I wore my coat, because it did absolutely no good. 2.4 seconds in the rain and I was drenched.

I knocked on the door and no one answers. At this point, I'm like...............FUCK!! What the hell do I do now!?!?! When, sweet Jesus, the neighbor across the street saw me and waved me over! Gotta love those Kansans that disregard those 'warnings' of death by nature and stand on their porch to watch.

Wyatt and I forge a boat out of my laptop and his collar and wade across the street. I shove him inside and I shortly follow.....soaking.

I've met this man a total of once and I look like I just stepped out of a shower at a whore house because I've got make-up smeared down my face and my hair is standing on end. I'm pretty. He ushers me downstairs to his wife and small daughter....whom I've never met, gotta love first impressions. Wyatt is freaking out, pacing the room, won't sit down, and crying. I felt so bad. And this guys poor wife is trying to calm her daughter down and have a normal, 'So where ya from?' conversation with me while I'm mopping up the floor after Wyatt and wringing my pretty sweatpants out.

Just shoot me.

Oh, but it gets better.

We survived the power going out.
And the storm.
And no one was hurt and there was no damage.

But as we all head upstairs, looking out the windows to make sure it's safe for us to travel back across the river (street) to home, I hear the distinct sound of a flow of liquid......coming from my dog.....onto their new pretty carpet.

Double FUCKS!!!

I immediately went over and grabbed Wyatt and shoved him outside. Poor guy was just scared, he hasn't gone to the bathroom in the house is years! And here we are, meeting the neighborhood, and my dog just lets his urine flow.
I'm pretty sure we made friends for life with this escapade.

After all that, I was too embarrassed to wait out the next storm (that looked like it could hit any minute), so I made excuses and bee-lined it back over to our house. At this point, if another tornado came a'knockin', I'm totally opening up the door versus inflicting more agony on our nice new 'friends' next door.

Luckily, there was no more bad weather. Just a scared yellow lab, no power for 6 hours, and a very tired pregnant lady.

But good news: The ice cream survived.

So, how'd your Sunday go?


  1. holy cow bells! I remember those midwest storms...they are SOOO LOUD! Man..good thing you weren't farther along or that baby could have come out! Glad you are ok....and Wyatt too!

  2. At least it was Wyatt who peed on the floor and not you! Poor puppy. I'm sure the storm was terrifying, and not fun to have to venture out in it and take refuge with complete strangers. But I'm glad you found a basement to wait it out in.

  3. I'm a new follower of yours and I gotta say I love your style... Glad so far you guys are doing okay with these storms. My dad moved to Oklahoma just a couple years ago and thinking about tornadoes is pretty new to me. Sounds like he's got a plan for tonight though.

  4. Glad you, the fetus and the fur baby are safe. Theres no better way to meet the neighbors than a natural disater- and it sounds like you looked like one too ;)
    Please stay safe and avoid any houses that may sweep you off to Oz.

  5. Oh sweet Jesus! Poor Wyatt probably felt so scared! Sorry that happened lady. Holy crap on a cracker, I'd freak!


  6. So glad to hear you all are ok!

  7. Wow, no basement? Who was the scholar who designed that place? Whoever it was, the best part of him ran down his father's leg.
    Sorry you had to go through all that.



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