Well, hell.
I'm sitting here, knowing that I want to write. but i just can't put the words down.
That's a first.
It's a down moment. I've had them before. Definitely never written about them. On here at least. But for some reason, I feel like tonight's the night.
don't get me wrong. I'm having the best time hanging out with my cousin and godson. But for some reason....Christ, I hate 'new' computers where you don't know the keyboard. I've misspelled more words than I can pronounce...could be the beer...naaaaaa...anyways...I just feel lost. Lonely. And as i stretch my neck and crack my knuckles, I wonder if I'll 'relax'.
It all started because of strawberries. Swear to God. I accidentally dropped a whole pan of chocolate covered strawberries on the floor, that were for my godson's birthday party. Then the 'depression tumble' happened. I started thinking, 'Jeesh Laura, you can't even do strawberries right!' 'You dropped them!' 'You're making it WORSE for your cousin and his wife!!' 'What is wrong with you!!!'
So, I took a break, went outside, and contemplated.
It didn't help much.
Why is it I always feel 2 feet tall when something so insignificant happens? Why do I beat myself up to a bloody pulp for nothing?
It's not only life, or this instance, but with everything. With health. Running. Clean eating. All of it.
Why?
Basically, why am I so hard on myself?
I mean, aren't we all?
No.
And Yes.
But why?
To prove that we're better than someone?
To prove that we're not some psycho daisy may's? Or to prove that we deserve a good healthy life?
Who the hell knows.
But I for one want to LIVE my life. Not hide behind the depression and self-ridicule.
So, I'm gonna start now. I'm gonna work at being a better person, not kicking myself and not bringing myself down. No matter how stupid the consequences are.
New day.
New mentality.
Let's go girl!
A journey to beautification and a healthier me......plus my love of beer!
Hey Sweetheart - you forgot the "five second rule"... Works every time!
ReplyDeleteIt's also a good idea to remember the five second rule before we beat ourselves up - give yourself time, remember who you are, where you came from, and where you're going - and pick yourself back up when things go wrong - you'll be glad you did.....
Hate the downward spiral ... you'll get out of it ... just stinks in the meantime. Look for the one thing that can change the direction .. it's there ... just need to find it.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Laura. I myself have determined to be a better person from now on. I need to get my act together and stop giving myself excuses for feeling bad about myself. This will require a positive attitude and I have always been a pessimist but I believe I can turn this around if I really want it bad enough.
ReplyDeleteBetter person??? You mean you will try to be kinder to yourself!! Because even though I only know you through your blog and our emails, I know you are already a great person. If you ever need to talk; text me. I will give you my cell number when (if) you reply to my email.
ReplyDeleteGosh I wish I were near you right now to give you a huge hug. Seriously Laura, like Robyn, I only know you through the blog, so that is just one piece of yourself that you let others see. However, I like to think you let more of your self show and lower a bit more of your mask because even though you aren't anon, you don't really know us. So maybe with that you let more of the real you show. From what I have seen here on the blog you are a funny, intelligent and kind person. Not to mention sexy and a great pet'rent to Wyatt. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you girl, and you need to treat yourself the way you would treat your closest friend. I doubt you would ever berate or say anything to your dearest friend to make her feel bad and not let a word pass your lips that wasn't something to make her feel better about herself. Be kind to yourself, heaven knows YOU deserve it. Absolutely adore you girl.
*hugs*
*sparkle hearts*
Good for you for recognizing where you are at and stopping it right there! Today is a new day!
ReplyDeleteProbably not what you want to hear but "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, gave the t-shirt to goodwill when I turned 40". I don't know why it was like that and I used to put some blame on my upbringing (my father was a drill instructor-literally-at work and at home). It isn't fun and certainly not a confidence builder.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, I still have my "dumbazz dumbazz dumbazz" moments but they are few and far between. I think by turning 40 I felt entitled to say "hey up yours-I'm human just like you!" I'm not indicating that you'll have to wait until your 40 feel entitled to be human but you're time will come. Until then I like the 5 second rule and the mantra "it's ok it's ok it's ok". :O) have a great week.
Isn't that the truth.......that we are always harder on ourselves. You know we love and support you. Next time, just pick up the strawberries, dust off the dirt and move on!
ReplyDeleteIt's those impossibly high standards we set for ourselves but would never dream of imposing on someone else. I get that - I live that. It's exhausting. For me the fear of not being perfect means the fear that no one will still love me. Like if I'm perfect you have no reason not to love me - right? Wrong. Since when does it matter that "everyone" loves me anyway? Ugh - it's a neverending battle. Just keep being brave enough to search your soul.......and you'll find the answers.
ReplyDeleteWe are always hardest on ourselves. Try not to let the little things define you. I am sure nobody showed up and said-Damn good party....but it would've been better with chocolate dipped strawberries!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is so hard to cut ourselves the slack we do others. Just remember to take a breath and give yourself a little slack :-)
ReplyDeleteYou want to be a better person? You ARE. Because, I, for one, would have quitely served up those germ & dirt coated choc covered strawberries and wouldn't have even felt guilty, lol.
ReplyDeleteI really don't have much to add because all these beautiful BOOBS said it so well.(truly amazing support from these ladies)
ReplyDeleteYou are so awesome. You have decided to take your well being into your own hands. You are living to be better for Laura...not for others. That's the biggie.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this. You can bring yourself out...you are AWESOME in my book. I love you like I love icecream.
(((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you were feeling like that and I totally get it but you have got to stop being so hard on yourself, girl! You are so full of awesomesauce I can't even handle it so remember that the next time your trying to beat yourself up (or just call or text me and I'll tell you myself)!
I big, puffy heart you, chica (and don't you forget it)!!!
Big hug. We are definitely our own worst critic. Hold on to that kick ass attitude!!
ReplyDeleteHUGS!! I hope today is a better day :) Your blogs always cheer me up :) xxooxxooxxoo
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the sweetest, cutest, zaniest, most talented people out there. How can you not love you?
ReplyDeleteBtw, put on heels if you need to feel taller. ;)
Ok - so I'm a day late and a dollar short but... I've got 2 things - well, I suppose it could turn into more, but we'll start there.
ReplyDelete1) I don't think it's that you're gonna work on being a better person - but more you're gonna work on cutting the fantastic person that you already are a little more slack.
2) We all suck at this to one degree or another - but for me what has helped is truly stopping and asking myself - how would I feel if so and so did that? What would I think of them? To use your example... How would you have felt about your cousin - or his wife he they had done that. Or more to the point, how would you have felt if they had come over to your house - say on a day when you were having a little get together and they were helping you get ready and they dropped a whole plate of cookies? Would you think less of them? Would you regret having them over?
It's not easy... to even remember to do that, to ask the question - but I swear with practice it does get easier and for me it helps remind me when I'm being a little (or a frickin lot) hard on myself
So sorry this comment is late (trying to get caught up on reader).
ReplyDeleteGreat advice above on asking yourself how you would feel if someone else did that. I know it's hard since we are all hardest on ourselves. When I'm feeling like that I try and ask myself if whatever is bothering me is going to matter in the long run...how will I feel about it in a year etc...that usually (not always) helps.