And this is how you hold a frisbee....

Good job Wyatt, you're really getting a hang of it.


Now this is a tad better, even though Puppy has Exorcist eyes.

And here we are patiently waiting:

"Mom, stop taking pictures and throw the damn thing! Gaaaahhhh!"

And if you'll notice the brown/yellow dead little spiky things in the yard....that's our grass.  Thank you Mother Nature and Sun, I hate you both.

Anyway.

I'm on day 2 of Clean-Eating and it's going really really well. I refrained from chocolate chip cookies on Monday and resisted the movie theater buttery deliciousness popcorn today.  Can't wait to see what temptations arise tomorrow.  Oh, ya....drinking beers at a pizza joint with my cousins. Perfect.

I'm eating a ton more complex carbs than I have for the last 3 months. It's GLORIOUS! I had brown rice and chicken stir-fry for supper tonight.....Yummertons!

Running has been craptastic this week.  I've now upped my overtime hours so I'm working 10 hours a day. Trying to get to work around 6:30am and leaving around 5-5:30.  By the time I get home it's 6:00pm, I throw together stupid (but really fantastic) stir-fries that I have to chop stupid veggies and saute stupid chicken.  Basically I eat at 7:00pm, wash up, and am back on the computer to work on my good friend Lindsey's family pictures I took two weeks ago. (Yes Lindsey, I'm still 'almost' done with them. I swear to you I will finish before I start wearing depends and cleaning my dentures.)  All that bullshit (except for the pictures part, that's fun) leads to no running time. Boo. But next week shall be better. Otherwise I will probably inflict major pain on something.

Oh and work still sucks donkey farts. Just in case you were wondering.

But this weekend is Labor Day, and you know what that means.....Lake time baby!!  I'm going to try my damnedest to not drink from 11am to midnight.  Maybe just noon till midnight. 

And this weekend is also the first KSU football game! Can I get a: HELLZ TO THE YEAH! I'm praying to MotherdumbNature that since it is technically football season, that the weather will technically start to freaking cool off.

And can someone find a huge steel chain?  I need to wrap it around my little b*tch Will Power and padlock her to my ass for tomorrow night.  No beers, Laura, no beers.  And no pizza either! You hear me?!

Ok, when I start 'talking' to myself through my blog, it is an official sign that I've obviously lost my small bag of pretty little round sparkling glass.

Excuse me while I go pass out from exhaustion (crazy that it's not because of alcohol, that's a first) on my new and totally plush, pillow-top springs of amazingness.  Yes, my new mattress is the bomb.com. Be jealous, be very jealous.

Snappy Weekend Recap.

OK, Hold on to your boobs ladies, this is going to be a fast one.

Saturday
-Bought a new dishwasher. It's pretty.  It arrives Wed/Thurs.Can't wait.

-Bought a new mattress. CAN I GET A WHOOP WHOOP! Um, pretty sure I've been sleeping on the box springs for over two years. Sore back = cranky Laura. New bed = happy Laura.

-Had some great friends come over and we grilled out and went to the Blacktop National's Car Parade and Burn-out competition Sat. night.  Tons of really neat classic and new cars. Also tons of the most white trash people I've ever seen in my LIFE!  One girl had a 'shredded' shirt on, like cuts from neck to ass on the back part of the shirt. Barely holding on for life, that little cloth.  Wearing it with a grandma BEIGE walmart cheap disgusting bra. Classy.  Next was the lady that had 47 'diamonds' from bottom lobe to the top of her ear. Pretty sure if she could pierce her skull she would have kept going.  Oh, and Joe Dirt Mini Me in the front yelling at the cars. His parents must have been special.

Sunday
-Friends left.

-Went bedroom furniture shopping.  Found a set. Our first new bedroom set. Pee my pants happy.

-Got a massage. I almost cried it felt so good. New girl. Pretty sure when I nearly body slammed her afterwards to give her a gratitude hug that she's filing a restraining order. It's fine.

-Watched some of the VMAs. Completely positive that Lady CooCoo (gaga) is a certified lunatic.

Monday
-One of my employees is out for the week with a family emergency.  Means I have to work extra EXTRA overtime to make up her work. Life sucks.

-Found out that my printer dealer sent me the wrong ink cartridge. I've been trying to clean the printer lines for 3 days with CLEAR ink instead of CLEANING SOLUTION.  I want to spit lightening bolts up my printer dealers ass then have an elephant shit on their face. I now hate life.

-And I have started my new 'diet', or more accurately, my new eating lifestyle of Clean-Eating which says that those chocolate chip fudge filled cookies that a co-worker's wife homemade,sitting just 25 feet away, are a big no-no.  I didn't take one. Dolphin claps please.  Someone just put me out of my misery. For the love of farts.

Now that's what you call speed blogging.

When my head stops spinning like some demon possessed nutjob and I break out of the loony bin I will write more. Otherwise, if you need to get ahold of me I have taken temporary residence in Crazytown. And there is no beer there. *sigh*

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – 5 little questions you can copy and paste to your own blog in an effort to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blogging brain a break.

Enjoy!

1. What is your blog theme and how did you pick your blog name?

When I started on my little 'healthify my batshit crazy life' adventure, I knew that all the dieting and exercising and just plain trying that I'd done in the past failed miserably because I wasn't really being held accountable for it. I'd set goals, then proceed to shoot grenades of purple porcupine piss at them....just for shits and giggles....and totally bomb at them. I never followed through and I rarely lost any weight. Genius.  So, in January I started looking at blogs for inspiration, I started following a few people, and really liked reading all about, well, everything.

And for some insane reason I felt the calling to put my thoughts out in the abyss of the internet.  Much to my husband's disappointment, mind you. (He feels kinda funny about me blabbing about everything. It's fine though.)  And so it began......all the questions. What do I want to talk about? What colors do  I want my post titles? What the heck is a blog anyway?!?



Somewhere in my endless question marks I decided that I definitely wanted to talk about getting healthier, but I didn't want to limit it to just that....lets face it, I'm not a Bedford Wife, I'm not going to be healthy robot 100% of my life.  Then came the realization that I love to drink beer. Always have, always will.  Even though that is pretty much a crater on the face of 'Healthy', I have no plans to totally give it up.  I'll just torture myself longer and harder to get to my goals. Again, genius. Anyway.  So, I had 'beer' and 'health', well, that wouldn't make a good blog (like I knew what a good blog was anyway), so I added my little 'child' Wyatt.  He is a huge piece that completes the puzzle of my life and I just LOVE talking about how darn cutey he is!

Just look at him! So cute!

There you go, Beer, Dogs, and Getting Healthier was born.  And you all should thank your lucky stars that I only post about my weirdo thoughts a few times a week. Because this girl is one can short of a six-pack most of the time.

2. Repeat question: I’m going to name a person not knowing anything about this person in your life or even if they exist and you need to try to describe them in five words/phrases.

Female neighbor two homes/doors down to the left
Have
No
Idea Who
She
Is

3. Which do you hate more? Spiders or snakes. Elliptical or treadmill. Hannah Montana or Lindsay Lohan.

Um, lets see, have I ever told you about the spider that attacked my face while Ryan was driving story? Nope? Oh, it's a goody. (And if I have, lets just remember that I'm forgetful and you'll just have to suffer though it again.) 

Ryan and I were in his truck driving down one of the busiest city roads in Wichita, and I'm staring out the window, and he's doing the same (I think he plays a game with himself to 'notice' as much crap that's going on OUTSIDE the vehicle than inside. Drives. Me. Nuts.). Anyway, I look forward and there is a spider DANGLING from his web TWO FREAKING INCHES from my eyeball! I SCREAMED bloody murder and tried to push back against my seat, secretly hoping I'd become an X-(Wo)Men and would melt right through to the damn bed of the truck. Farfarfar away from the evil 8 legged freak.  Well. Apparently it's not a good idea to scream louder than 16 year old chick in a horror flick while your husband is driving through an intersection. He thought that someone was going to T-bone us, or that he ran over the bag lady that was pushing her cart 3 blocks back, or that I had for sure lost all my cans in my six-pack and he needed to bee-line for the closest state mental facility.  Let's just say there was a little swerving, a LOAD of cussing, and me getting a few stern looks from the driver.  And I'd just like to point out that the damn spider looked ENORMOUS when it was nearly poking my eye out. (But in reality it was no bigger than a flea. No laughing. It was a traumatic event.) Moral of the story: I have arachnophobia.


As for the rest: Doesn't matter, but I dislike the elliptical a little bit more than the treadmill.  And Miley is quite possibly a 60 year old chain smoking pot loving hippy dude stuck in a 17 year olds body. Who can't sing. And ruined my one of my favorite 'books made into a movie'. But Liam Hemsworth almost made up for it.

4.  When you need something fancy/a dress – what is your go to store and why?

Kohls. Target. Dillards. The End.

5. Repeat question: How was your week in blog land and in real life?

Blogland I've picked up my pace a little. But it still took me till Thursday to get caught up on everyone's blogs from last weekend. Maybe I need to learn how to speed read. Really, I'm getting sosososo jealous of all you BOOBs and your little Chi-Town plans. I wanna GOOOO! So bad.  But, I can't. Since I already took my 18 vacations this year and still have to fly to Florida in Oct. I have-a no moola.  Next year!

Real Life:  Started back running again.  Got up at 4:30 AM on Wednesday to run (I'm going mad I tell ya).  Planned on getting up that early this morning, and was really excited about it (who typed that?) because it was supposed to be 65 degrees out, and my alarm didn't go off. So I woke up late, couldn't take a shower, and now my hair looks like someone spread crisco all over it. Pretty.

I bought the Eat-Clean Diet book last night and am already half way through! I love it so far, it's semi like what I've been eating now, only I really need to give up the donuts/popcorn/ice cream/3 Musketeers for good.  And I need to start adding complex carbs into every meal.  Plus chomp on a few more fruits.  I'll keep you posted, but I'm planning on starting Monday. Grocery shopping is WAY in order to begin this thing.

I've decided that if I ever want to totally stop the alcoholic beverage consumption (which I don't, hehehe) I'm gonna have to get a new job.  And since I can't afford to get a new job, let alone even have the energy to try to look for one, I'm going to have to suffer though, having the occasional brewsky to make my frown turn upside down.  Well, that and a bucket of very strong anxiety pills. 
(FYI, this is why my BYOC is 8 hours behind because I've been beating the shit out of my printers all day. It's been fun.)

Have a happeriffic weekend y'all!! 

Ten Things Thursday

1.  I just want to say that I hope everyone involved in the earthquake yesterday is ok! What a scary freaky thing!! I have never experienced an earthquake, and pretty sure if I did, I'd probably mess my pants.

2.  And to those that might be effected by Irene: I am starting the praying process now. That way you're fully covered for whatever happens!

3. I ate pizza last night.  And I drank beers. But in my defense: I made beer and pizza plans with two of my cousin's over a week ago, so I had to fulfill my obligation, right?  And I suppose I didn't have to have beers and I could have chose something else to eat, but darn it, it was a rough day and I wanted a nice cold beverage.  Plus, I got up at 4 freaking 30 yesterday! That deserves a beer....or three.  Truthfully, I'm not that upset about it. I've been making really good food decisions this whole week and I've ran a total of 6 miles so far.  I think I'll just limit my beers this weekend. Maybe to just Saturday night. Or maybe not at all. Who knows! I might just get all radical like that!

4.  Don't you just hate it when your working your freaking tail off at work and some dumbshit comes in late in the afternoon and is like, "Oh, still working hard, huh?"  Well, that's what they pay me for window licker. But I sure will stop working hard if that's what you want. Grrrrr. No love. None at all.

5. I'm tired of the hotness. And I'm not talking about Ryan Reynolds.

A little eye candy for y'all this morning.

Really, I'm talking about the 46 miserable sticky sweat rolling down my buttcrack over 100 degree days we've had this summer here in Satan's crotch.  I'm tired of getting into my car and burning two layers of skin off my thigh from my fiery leather seats.  I'm tired of coming home and the temp in my house is equivalent to a freaking outdoor concert porta potty. And the damn air conditioner is on, it just can't keep up. I kinda feel sorry for all air conditioners, they try, but just can't do their job. For the love of Pete, give it a rest Mother Nature!!!!

6.  I have scheduled a massage for this Sunday. Can I just tell you that I am counting the seconds down till I get to be pummeled by a little gal named Kat.  See, I don't do the 'oh, just barely tap my shoulder muscles please. I'm a fragile little lily flower.' bullshit. I get BEAT. DOWN.  I come away bruised and sore and in a 'I can now walk on water and everything is right with the world and I can fart jelly beans and they will smell like orchids' kind of mood. What does it say about me that I like to get the shit kicked out of my back muscles by a random stranger? Pretty sure it says I'm a weirdo. Or a genius. Could go both ways. But it's fine, my neck will feel like a kazillion bucks a few days after the pulverization. I. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

7.  People keep calling me this morning. Work kind of people. Don't you know not to bother me until at least 9am?  Have I not trained you well enough in the last 2.5 years I've been employed at this wonderful establishment? Don't you know I live in crazed Mentaltown until I have at least 2 cups of coffee? Apparently not.  Anybody else just NOT a morning person?  Like, I can get up at the ass crack of dawn, but no matter what, I'm a bitch until 9. Never fails.  As long as no one talks to me, its fine, but the minute I have to form coherent thoughts and sentences I get pissed.  Maybe I should work on that.

8.  Ummm, Old Navy you need to repeat your grammar education:

9.  I think I'm going to take some advice from Mommykinz and try the Eating Clean Diet.  I went on the website and tried to find out more info, but I think I need to buy the book to really get the down and dirty.  Which is fine, because Wally World sells it for like 12 bucks.  I've heard a lot of people talk about 'eating clean' and I kinda want to see what the deal is.  It says no to counting, measuring, other crap that I hate, so maybe it's not so bad. And I don't think it's a 'fad', but more about eating more healthy. Which is what I want. I'll keep you all informed, because I know you're just sitting on the edge of your computer chairs dying to find out about yet another diet I'm going to try. Holy baby Jesus's I feel sorry for y'all sometimes.

10. I have not weighed myself since Monday (which read a very frowny face 154, up 4 lbs, boo). But don't get all your undies in a bunch, I haven't fully committed to a 'no scale' deal-ee-o, I just thought I should take a little break for an undetermined amount of time.  I'm running again, mostly eating right, so I should be losing, but I don't want a flat piece crap to control my life. So I'm taking a little page from many of my buddies on here and going sans-Devil weight calibration machine. Wish me luck.

Peace out homies!!!

To.......

...Mr Skunk: Thank you for sneaking up onto the road this early morning, right in front of me....in the PITCH BLACK....to scare the ever loving piss straight out of me. (Yes, I'm pretty sure I tinkled a little, soooo cool, I know.)  The screeching you caused me at 4:50am in a remote city park was probably not a good idea because I'm sure some little old lady 2 miles away (yes, it was a very loud screech) went right to her rotary dial and phoned the extremely pathetic good for nothing great cops at the PCPD.  I will also thank for for not turning your pooper toward me and spraying me with that wonderful odor that you so often spray.  I had horrible visions of skunks lurking in the bushes for the rest of my run, wanting to jump out and say, "Neener Neener, JimBob didn't get you but we will!" Pssssssssssttttttttttt.

...Ms. Power Walking Lady: Yesterday I had the extreme pleasure of viewing your ultimate power walk down my street and was awestruck.  First of all, with your arms pumping the air and your caboose swaying back and forth so violently I thought you were going to knock out my mailbox, you looked completely ridiculous.  BUT, I also want to Thank You for helping me realize that I'm not the only complete fool that looks totally jacked up while exercising.  And while I still think you take walking to the edges of Extremeville, I did try your method of physical exertion and am so impressed that you can do it for blocks on end.  I tripped twice over my own two feet then wanted to pass out within the first few feet.

...My New 3.2 Mile Running Route (that I ran Monday):  You suck. Within the first 1 mile I have to run by a Pizza Hut. Do you know that Hand Tossed Pies of Delish are tempting me every night in my dreams?!?!  And to run right by one, sniffing the soooo pleasant aromas of garlic and bread, made me want to say screw the run and saddle up to the buffet?!  Then, you stuck a mexican restaurant at mile 1.15 that was spewing salsa-ee goodness with my beloved Mr. Tortilla Chip! WTF is that?!? What is that?!?! Next was the hamburger grease bucket at mile 1.25.  Really? REALLY? Is torturing me fun for you? Is IT? And finally, I do need to say Thank You....for helping me realize that besides the 3 block radius around my home, that the village of Park Shity is indeed a Shithole of magnum proportions. Obviously, your little route will never be ran again by me. Ever.

And finally,
...My Elegant and Sexy Run This Morning: I worship you. You are everything I could have asked for and more. You are my light. My vision. My strength.  You make me want to run for the rest of my life!  When you gave me my first 9:33 mile on Mile 1 this morning, I almost stopped and kissed the pavement I was running on (but then remembered that it's Park Shity and the roads are the equivalent of a landfill).  Then, if that gift wasn't enough, you splurged with a 9:49 on Mile 2.  How generous you are!!!  However, I do wish you could work on Mile 3. Coming in at 12:15 was kind of a little let down.  I mean, I'm still grateful for the 31:37 for all three miles, don't get me wrong! But, I'd really like Mile 3 to be under 11:00, mmmkay? I still ::heart:: you tons!!!

**Note: Just so y'all know, I got my sorry lazy pooper out of bed at FOUR F*ing THIRTY, yes 4:30, this morning. I should be given a gold plaque.  Hell, I should be given a freaking hot pink metal of honor. I'm so bad ass sometimes.

Pep talk to kick my own unhealthy ass.

I need to start making some major decisions.  No, not if I'm going to have regular Bud Light or a BL with tomato juice (that's a called a Red Beer, for all those that don't know and it's DE-LISH, see this blog is educational).

I need to be truthful with myself and with you.

Really, I need to straight pull my head out of my ass and stop acting like I'm 21 years old without a healthy care in the world.

Wanna know what I had for dinner last week?  Well, I don't care if you don't care, you're going to find out anyway.
Monday-Nachos with mozz cheese, jalapenos and onions loaded on a mound of tortilla chips with homemade salsa and fat free sour cream.
Tuesday-Nachos with mozz cheese, jalapenos and onions loaded on a mound of tortilla chips with homemade salsa and fat free sour cream. Plus 2 beers.
Wednesday-Supreme Totinos pizza (yes, the whole thing). And 6 beers.
Thursday-Nachos with mozz cheese, jalapenos and onions loaded on a mound of tortilla chips with homemade salsa and fat free sour cream. Also, 2 cups of mint cookie crunch ice cream (but it was the low fat version) that I ate straight out of the container.
Friday-6 tall boy Bud Lights (16oz) and some Lays Potato Chips. (That's stellar, Laura, just stellar.)
Saturday and Sunday-Too bad to even type, but there may have been multiple beers involved and cheesy enchiladas.

And the only exercising I did was 12 ounce curls (bringing beer can from table to mouth) and a 1 hour walk on Saturday night.  
At least I wasn't totally sedentary. 


Well. There you have it. I have officially won the 'you are a lazy unhealthy green monkey turd' trophy. I shall put it on my dresser.


And it's a total SHOCKER why I haven't lost any weight.


A freaking baby horsefly could figure out why I haven't lost an ounce.


So, where do I go from here.
Well, I go straight to the Belt of Death (aka Treadmill) and run my F*ing pooper off. Literally.
I also go to damn grocery store and by lettuce.
I then proceed to eat lettuce and air for pretty much the rest of my life. Joyous.


Ok, that's a little extreme. But y'all get the idea.


I know what to do. 
-I need to break up with Mr. Tortilla
-I need to dust off the tennies and actually use them for more than closet decorations.
-And I probably need to give the booze a break.

What?! Did I just type that?! 

Did aliens take over my body? Have I gone mental? Has the world ended?  Y'all still with me? Yes? Ok, good.


Today's a new day, right? Right.
I can do this, right? Right.
I want to be healthy, right? Definitely right.


So.....Go get 'em Tiger!!! Be the badass that we (or at least I) know you can be!!! 
OK, lets do this.


Good pep talk everyone. Thanks for listening.

Just Every Day Normal....

Visiting my mom is like going to bed and waking up in a comedy club/hunting show/Alice in Wonderland movie. F'real.

First, I walk in the door and she tells me that she has decided to 'take a break' from The Schwan's Man. Seriously, Mother? 

The Schwan's Man has had a very special relationship with her and my stepdad Mike for quite a few years.  Numero Uno: they just leave their back door unlocked so he can just come in whenever to drop off the TONS of frozen yummy treats that I swear are made straight by Angels from Heaven. Granted they live in the country AND the freezer is in the mud room, right by the back door. But still.  Numero Dos (and this next one you're just going to die on): They just leave him a check, for whatever amount or possibly blank, just taped to the freezer door. Really Mother? Really? 

Then, when Mike was home during the day, him and the Schwan's Man (btw, still don't know his real name after years of him coming to my parents house, not odd at all) LOVED to have a little fun.  One instance, Mike got his pistol out of the gun safe and asked the guy if he'd act like Mike was 'holding him up' and take some pictures of it to put on the internet. 
Seriously. 
So there's Mike with the gun in his hand 'sneaking' up to the door of the truck, in one photo. Then the next photo, there's the Schwan's Man, feet spread, hands on the side of the truck acting like Mike's going to frisk him or something.  Yup, totally normal. And we showed those photos at Mike's funeral. Have you ever seen people in nice suits and dresses just rolling on the floor laughing an hour after a funeral service? Well, I have. (Best thing ever!)

Anyway. I asked her how it was going and she replied, "Well, I just couldn't take it any more, I had to call him back." Shocker.  BUT, she asked him if he had any 'diet' ice cream.  And he suggested these little ice cream sandwiches that are only 150 calories and 3 grams of fat.  'Perfect! That's a great healthy choice!', I said.  Then Hardy, my Mom's boyfriend, pipes up and says, "Well not when you have TWO of them per night!" I just put my head in my hands and shook my head.

Second, Hardy then says, "Hey, Laura, I got something for ya."  Alrighty.  And he pulls out a Remington 1100 Shotgun and said, "This is yours. I'm cleaning it up for you and we're giving it to you."  WHAT?!!!! My very own gun?! Really???  (For all that don't know, I'm a hick. I like shooting things.  Shocker, I know.)  And this would be my very FIRST gun! Then my Mom explains that that was the gun that Mike gave to her, but she never uses it and thought it would be better if I had it.  YESSSS! I completely agree.  Very badass.

Just practicing shooting those gobblers.
(Sorry Dawnya, it's going to happen some day.)

Mean face.

I just have no clue what this is.

More mean face. Cause I'm a badass chick gun owner.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Mom showing me how a 'real' mean face is.  Keep practicing mom.

So, yeah. I'm officially a gun owner. BAAAAD. AAAsssssss!

Moving on.

Then, Mom says, "Come over here and look at my shrooms!!"  Huh?  Mother, when did you start tripping? Do we need to have a little chat about what druggies do to your brain? Hummmm, do we?

No, really, she's got crazy gargantuan psycho alien mushrooms freaking sprouting out of her lawn looking like they were made for that Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie. God, I love Johnny Depp.....MMmmm yummy. Sorry. Got sidetracked. It happens. Anyways.

Aren't they just totally freaky? Right? Well, I thought so.

Who the hell writes about a Schwan's Man, guns, and mushrooms in a blog that's supposed to be dedicated to beer, dogs and health?  Who the hell just writes about those crazy topics on ANY blog? Oh, yeah, I forgot, this looney toons.

And y'all read it. What's that say about you, huh? Well, it says we're all looney toons too.

This is what it's like every time I visit my Mom. Every. Time. Now you know where I get my kookiness. I had to grow up having conversations about completely worthless shit, but somehow it all made sense. Somehow. 

Well, I guess I lived up to the title of this crapshoot.....Just every day normal in crazytown here.

**Side note: Ryan and I went dishwasher shopping today. I know, y'all are jealous. Let me tell ya, it was a scintillating experience.  Anyway, we were walking out of Sears and I looked over and they had these little machines right next to the dishwashers, but half the size. And I said, "Look Ryan, we could get a mini-dishwasher for the lake cabin!"  He replies, "Those are trash compactors, dear." Awesome Laura. Classic ditz, right here Ladies and Gents. You know you all want to be just like me.
Doesn't get any better than that.

Good times.
Good weekend. 
And it's only Saturday night.

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

It’s Friday so that means in Draz Land it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy!


We answer just a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break!

Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

1. How much makeup do you wear daily, how long does it take you and are you loyal to certain brands?

Mascara and eyeliner...A MUST.  If I forget, because I'm little forgetful sometimes, I freak out. Not really, but just a little. And that's about it.  If I have a crater on my face, I'll use cover-up and powder, but I don't wear lipstick because it looks weird on me and I rarely wear blush...again, I look like a clown in it.  Could be that I don't know what the hell I'm doing when applying all that crap.

I don't have a preference on brand, but I've stayed close to Cover Girl for a number of years. It's the makeup my mom wears, so that's probably why.

2. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them (or even if there is one) and you try to describe this person in 5 words/short sentences.

Your oldest paternal aunt

Such a good mother!
Christian
The woman that nicknamed me LauraBelle when I was 2 weeks old.
Caring
Strong willed

3. Tell me about your first real kiss and how old you were.

Holy crap, I have no idea.  Actually, no, I take that back. I was 16 and at a New Year's Eve party at some gym in a town next to where my cousin's live, which was sponsored by a church, and you could bring in your own alcohol.  Yes, we were all underage. Gotta love small towns that don't give 2 shits about the law.  Anyway, a very older guy (he was like 20, I think) and I were dancing and all the sudden he started sucking my lips off.  I was like 'ok, this is interesting'. Then he put his tongue in my mouth and I almost peed my pants.  First thought was, Eeewwww. Next thought was, well, not so bad.  So we continued.  We both came off the dance floor with slobber all over our faces. It was a very proud moment for me.




To this day, I still see the guy about twice a year at the football game tailgates, because his family and my extended family are still close. Can you say: Awkward much. Such is my life.


4. If I gave you $1000.00 and told you that you had to give it to a charity – which charity would you choose and why?

I would give it to a charity called KSDS. It's an organization that is located in Washington, KS, and provides Guide Dogs, Service Dogs, and Social Dogs, at no charge, for persons and facilities that need them.  (Cat, if you click on the site, they have pictures of the dogs!!) This is the organization that my Mom and Stepdad Mike have been involved in for almost 10 years I think.  My parents would take a puppy that was around 8 weeks old and 'train' them till they are about 2 years old. Basic training like sit, stay, etc. They would also take them to places, like the movie theater, on airplanes, to football games, camping, etc. to get them accustomed to different environments.  Once the 2 years are up they have to give the pup back to KSDS and the professional trainers will assess the dogs and determine if they would make a good seeing/eye dog, or just a assistant dog, or if they would be good for a nursing home.  Then they would extensively train them for what area is best.



My parents have trained, I think, 6 or 7 dogs so far.  First question that everyone asks them is, "How can you give up a dog that you've had for TWO years?!"  And my dad's response was, "Because people need these dogs more than we do.  They go to help people."  I'm starting to cry just remembering all my dad's attention to those dogs.  My dad had a service dog in training by his side up until his death. And my mom took on a dog after his death....the first girl puppy, named Seranade. 


Sorry this is long winded, but it's something very close to my heart, and always will be.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog land has been poopy for me for weeks! I just feel like all I'm posting about is my weekend bruise-and-beer-infested-traveling-gypsy-craziness, then the 10 Things Thurs. and finally BYOC.  God, I'm such a blogger loser. I promise to do better!  I'm not going out of town for while, so I'll have more time to dedicate to all you badass sexy people!! And everyone else is posting amazingly awesomeness!  It's been a fabulous week to be a follower!!!

Real life is ok. I'm extremely busy at work. I hate my Devil Machines that I work with, but what's new.  I haven't worked out or eaten right this whole week.  I have 2, count 'em TWO, photo sessions this weekend for friends!  I did clean the house last night, and wow, it was really, really bad. I'm kinda in a poopy mood, but promise to be all sparkles soon!! 

Have a FABULOUS Friday y'all!!!

Ten Things Thursday

1.  It is sooo good to blog again. Jesus, Mary and Patrick!  Apparently, some people go into obsessed stalker mode on my page to see if I've put up a new post.  You know who you are.....Uuuuhhheeeem (Jordan, Jess, Tina, Lindsey and many others!)  I just want thanks.  Thanks so much for wanting to read my random and crazy ramblings about nothing really in particular.  It means a lot. And I'll try to be a better blogger and never leave you again.

2.  My friend Rebecca told me about a new website that is all about healthy recipes: http://www.eatingwell.com/
She tried the Manicotti and said it was really good.  Just a little FYI for ya on this Tooty Fruity Thursday.

3.  So all the supervisor's and managers at my lovely place of employment have been taking a 4 week long Leadership Seminar. It's 4 hours long, once a week and it goes over how to be a good leader, or a better leader (for some of us).  Great, right?  Ya, not a bad idea.  I'm learning new ways to hold back my absolute livid anger at certain piss-ant machines that I work with....when I'm around my employees....because APPARENTLY it's not good to slam your foot into the side of a steel table because you're so freaking mad you could spew flaming nails out of your eye sockets, around the people that you lead.  Nor is it good to look like your head is going to pop like a water filled balloon because all the blood has left your extremities and traveled up to your face therefore scaring the Be-Jesus out of some poor 20 year old painter that thinks I'm some sort of Supervisor Goddess (ok, I may have added the Goddess part)....all due to, again, the devil machines that I'm for SURE were manufactured in Satin's outhouse as my personal torture device.  Yes, Leadership Seminars for emotional outburst training is a GREAT idea.

4.  On the leadership subject, I took a personality test on this site called the Jung Typology Test and it stated that I'm a 'Protector', basically with introvert tendencies,only when not drinking of course (OK, I might have added that too), and that I would NOT make a good leader.  Basically suggesting that any leadership role for me is not a good idea.  Well, pretty much failed on that suggestion. Listen here Jung: I'm a damn good leader! At least I pretend I am and that's good enough for me. If I happen to 'lead' people the wrong direction, it's probably because I'm slightly ditzy with a horrible memory.  I probably forgot where we were going in the first place.

5.  Bet y'all are wondering what my 'Big News' is huh?  Are you just pissing your pants because you're so excited? No?  Oh, don't lie.  Well, it's coming up, so hold your horses.

6.  I have eaten like crap for a full week now.  I also have not exercised. I have not gained, or lossed (I was totally surprised at this), any weight.  WHY BODY? WHY? Why do you confuse me so?  If I eat stellartastic for one whole month and force my large pooper out of bed at the ass crack of dawn to pound my tootsies on pavement, in the freaking dark, with semi-large animals jumping out to scare the piss right out of me, then come back and torture myself with lunges and sand bag lunatic interval training, I still don't lose or gain a freaking ounce.  Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay at 153 for the rest of my naturally coo-coo life. UGH! I guess I need to have the mentality that healthy eating and exercise are good for my body and mind and that I'm a better person because I try to be healthy.  And blah, blah, blah.  It's still a crock.  Oh well. Come here, Better Mentality, I guess I'll try you on for size for a while.  See if you fit.

7.  Look at this sexy nephew of mine:

Just chillin' by the pool.  Havin' a lazy day.  Tryin' to be a player.  Keep away girls, he's not old enough to date.

8.  I straight up do not want to work today. AT. ALL.  I want to play on the computer and design fun posters and signs and crap.  But, alas, I have to send out raging emails and design 1332 instrument dials for stupid airline companies. Wow, that was a lot of whining. ok stopping now.

9.  My new feathers and leather bracelet:

Badass, right?

10.  Ok, it's time. What you've all been waiting for......The Big News. It's really not earth shattering or anything, but I'm just so excited I had to share.

And I'm not pregnant.....Mom.

A picture I took has been chosen to be one of the 16 finalists in a professional photography contest!

I entered the above picture 'No Boundaries' into the Gordan Parks International Photography Contest many months ago, not expecting anything. But I was chosen!! The theme was “FREEDOM,” WAS THE THEME OF ALL OF HIS WORK, PARKS SAID, “NOT ALLOWING ANYONE TO
SET BOUNDARIES, CUTTING LOOSE THE IMAGINATION AND THEN MAKING THE NEW HORIZONS.” Gordon Parks was a very influential photographer, from Kansas, who was the first African-American photojournalist to work for LIFE Magazine.  Freedom to me meant having no boundaries, no fences, nothing holding me back.  I immediately knew I had to enter in my buffalo picture.  And thank God I did! 

I wish I could show you the other 15 finalists pictures, but they haven't been released yet. Most of them are from other countries, showing people from Bangladesh and other third world countries.  Other finalists put in pictures of US solders coming home from war injured or family grieving for their son or daughter that didn't come back. All of them very good.

I'm the only wildlife photographer amongst the group and I'm the only one from Kansas. 

I'm just so elated that I could shoot rainbows out my butt!  It's a HUGE honor to be a finalist, hell, to even be considered to be a finalist!  The judging will be sometime in the next month or two, the ceremony is Oct 7th & 8th, which I plan on attending and possibly sitting on a discussion panel to talk about my photography.  I will definitely let you all know how it goes.

That's it. That's all.  Sorry it wasn't something like I've figured out to make fat free and calorie free mint chocolate chip ice cream or anything. Because that would definitely be earth shattering.

Anyway. Hope y'all have a fabulous Thursday!

Nothin' like a little Texas action!

Everyone hold on to your pink polka dot thong-panties (just in case some of you old folk thought I was talking about flip-flops)!!!
I'm BAAAAAaaaaaCK.

Holy shriveled donkey dicks that was like the longest blogger absence ever, right?  I am so sorry for leaving you all in crazy limbo! I should be punished. Y'all should send me boxes of new shoes. No? Not a good punishment? Beer would be better?

God I missed you all sooooooooo much! I'm catching up on blogs, not commenting, but at least catching up.

I pretty much live a bedazzled toot-tastic life right now and you all should get down on your knees and ask the Almighty if you can PLEASE trade places with me.  It's that amazeballs, I'm telling you.

Really, I went to the big ol' state of Texas last weekend to visit some VERY good friends of ours.  Truthfully, there is an accessories store about 10 minutes away from my friends Matt & Jess's house and I secretly just went down there to go shopping. Sorry Jess, I really needed to get that off my chest.  Whew, I feel sooo much better. (Just kidding.lol)

Moving on.

After I returned, my work environment pretty much imploded and then little bursts of tiny purple skunk turds proceeded to fall from the sky and explode above my intelligence-depleted noggin.  AKA...I hate my job.

But lets talk about the FUN part, shall we. (And no comments about a weekend recap happening on Wed.! MmmmKay?! It is Wed., right? I don't even know the damn day. Jesus tits.)

Moving on.

Friday, Ryan and I giggly hopped (yes, BOTH Ryan and I were 'giggly') into our friend's Paul and Libby's roomy Taurus and tootled our way to big cattle country...Fort Worth, TX, Baby! YeeeeeeHaaawwwww!

Once there we had a FULL weekend of plans. Shopping on Saturday for the girls and a tour of the Cowboy's Stadium for the boys (and truth be told, I kinda would have thought that was badass, but shopping takes priority).

First stop was at my 'soon to be new husband's' freaking gianormous accessory shop named after himself: Sam Moon (sorry Ryan, I hope you can get over me leaving you for a 70-some year old Asian dude and changing my name to Laura Moon.) I was sorta afraid to take pictures and having some little Asian lady scream, "You no takey NUSSING for pictures! You-a juss buy lossss of pretties!" So, I only took one. Of a sweet little purse that I secretly will covet for the rest of my life. I so should have nabbed that sucker. (Draz, you're gonna want to hold on to your pink zebra print bra for these next pictures.)

This mini warehouse of a store had isles and isles AND ISLES of purses, scarves, sunglasses, wallets, hats, luggage, belts, and to make matters so much better......freaking huge walls stacked full of jewelry!  Turquoise, silver, gold, large stones, little stones, bracelets, earrings, EVERYTHING!  It's all totally cheap fake crap.....BUT WHO THE HELL CARES! Especially when you can get all this:

Ok, the wedges (shoes) weren't from there, they were from New York & Co. Wanna know how much those set me back? The shoes I mean.  $6.  Yep. Six Whole Dollars. WHAT?! I thought they made a mistake marking the sale sticker! Nope. I woulda bought like a dozen pair, but the slate grey ones were the only ones in my size. I still think it's a gift from the shoe Gods.

And did you see my feathers?!?!?! (Draz: Did you see them? Did ya? Did ya? Are you secretly jealous of me now and want to live closer to me so you can raid my jewelry stash?  I'm cool with that.) I also got like 6 leather 'wrap around your wrist a million times' bracelets.  And a blingy watch.  Oh, and a cute swirly pink bag to carry all my little things on my extensive travels. And a badass wallet.  Ok, lets just say I got A LOT of stuff.

After the Sam Moon adventure we went to a outdoor mall called Southland...or something. Where we ate fabulous Mexican food appetizers, and I found my $6 pair of wedges. We needed to refuel for more shopping!

Me, Jordan, Jess, and Libby. Some badass shopping Bitches!

Some of our apps, brisket quesadillas and nachos. Yummertons!

After shopping we got ready for dinner. Jordan made us reservations at this slick and hip new sushi restaurant in downtown Fort Worth, called Blue Sushi.  IT. WAS. FABULOUS!

The Outfit. Stellar, right?

Libby, Jess, and I.

The group.
Of course I have a beer in my hand...when don't I?

The sushi, half eaten because it looked so good I had to try it first before whipping
my camera out!

Ryan and I.

 Then we went and had a few cocktails at The Durty Crow.

We're just a bunch of dirty birds.

Sunday was reserved for 'Lake Time'.  So we headed out to Eagle Mountain Lake, which is conveniently only 10 minutes from Matt & Jess's house.

No shocker that I've got a floatation device to hold my all empties.
Because swimming the 2 feet to the boat is waaay too much effort.

And apparently you don't have a 'real' lakehouse until you can store your
helicopter on your little heli-pad dock thingy.
Christ.

Then the little accident happened.

Don't know if I've ever told you guys, but I'm a klutz. Full on C.L.U.M.S.Y. Pants McGee.
WeeeeeeeeeLLLL, I decided that after we docked the boat that I had to tinkle.  And I just couldn't hold it the extremely long 10 minutes back to the house (I'm pretty sure Mr. Bud Light had a hand in my decision capabilities at this point. Bastard.)  So, I decide to jump back on the docked boat, and crawl down the back ladder and take care of business.  Yes, I pee in the lake. Get over it.

Brace yourselves, gross pictures coming up.

Well, going down the ladder I sort of 'ran into' the propeller.  Just slightly........

Seriously, I thought I freaking sliced my leg off and I'd be a one legged runner for the rest of my life. It hurt SO. BAD! 

Basically a few hours after I 'slipped'.

Took this last night. I could easily win a beauty contest with this one.

Just because i got the bruise in TX, does that really have to mean that it has to be the BIGGEST?! It still hurts like a sum'bitch, but I'll survive.  Hopefully. I think whining will take place for quite awhile.

Enough of that shenanigens.

Sunday night we went out to a little Mexican place that had the most delicious tacos and nachos on the face of this planet. I didn't take any pictures because I was so gluttonous that I devoured them in 5 minutes flat. With Ryan's help, of course.

But I did get a picture of Libby and I at Billy Bob's Honkey Tonk Bar later that night.

I pretty much love visiting our friends Matt & Jess down in Texas. And I'm pretty sure I'll be doing just that, every year, for the rest of my natural life.  Get ready Matt & Jess!!!! You're never going to get rid of us!!! Mmmuuaaaahhhhaaaahhhaaaa!
(evil laugh)

And I promise that I'm sticking around for awhile now! Pinky Swear!!!

I also have some big news, well, I think it's big news, in tomorrow's Ten Things Thursday, so stay tuned! (I'm such a little tease.hehehe.)

Pee your pants worthy....

Holy laughing donkey fluffs! Just found one of the best sites on the internet. Fo Realz Folks.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

It's iPhone text messages that the spelling autocorrect has screwed up, in the biggest way.  Meaning, that if you type a word and the phone doesn't recognize it, it changes the word to something it does recognize....but after you send the message. Just hilarious.  Definitely will turn your frown upside down and into the biggest gut cramping giggles you've ever experienced.

Still laughing.......may have just snorted.

Here's some examples. ***CAUTION***Do not drink ANYTHING while reading these, it will for sure come out your nose.

OMG! Can't breath. I'm gonna pee my pants.

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – 5 questions you can copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire – in an effort to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blog brain a break!

Enjoy!

1. I have to do some MAJOR cleaning on Monday…which is prompting me to ask…what is the absolute worst thing you hate to clean or cleaning chore you hate the most? (vacuuming, dusting, laundry, toilets, floors, etc.)

It's a toss up between dusting and the bathroom floor. I guess if I didn't have about a million 'treasures' all over the walls and crammed into every shelf (Ryan loves my decorating by the way) then I probably wouldn't hate dusting.  And really, my bathroom is the size of the pooper on an airplane, so I shouldn't be bitching about that either.  I think I just plain hate cleaning. Period. Think I could talk Ryan into hiring a cleaning service?

2. Brown or Black? Fly or Drive? Hot dog or Burger? Gold or Silver?

I would say both.  I wear a lot of brown. But I like black in winter.

Fly. You can sleep on the plane. Duh.



Burger. With Jalapenos, bacon, pepperjack cheese, and ranch dressing. Yummertons!



Silver. Always.

3. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them or even if a relationships exists – and you then try to describe that person in 5 short sentences/words.

Maternal Grandmother

Football helmet shaped white hairdo
A smidgen ditzy but the sweetest person
Cooked the best breakfast
Alzheimer's
Itty Bitty Tiny lady.

4. Even if you don’t have kids, how do you feel about kids in multiple sports during their school years?  Were you in MULTIPLE sports all during school?  Forced or by choice?

I played basketball, volleyball, and track....against my will....in Junior High. To say I'm not that coordinated is a HUGE understatement. Then in High School I played Tennis only because that was the sport that you ran the least amount in (just a jog around the block in practice and you were done). I'm lazy, OK. So I'm not a huge sports person. I take that back, I love to watch football and basketball, but playing is a whole nother thing.




That being said, my husband, Mr. Coordinated Athletic Pants Ryan, played every sport he could get his hands on. Baseball when he was younger, football also, and of course basketball.  He's a slightly tall fella (6'4"....ya, I like-a my guy tall), so playing basketball was pretty much a give-in. 


We have no kids yet, but we've talked about what sports they'll play and when. If Ryan had his choice, I'm pretty sure our kid would be the All Star of every sport ever invented.  But, I think that the kid should chose what he/she wants to play.  Yes, I think they need to try sports, and will push for him/her to do that. But I will never FORCE them to play more than one year/season at a sport they don't like. And if they want to play 8 different sports at the same time, and it doesn't effect their school work, then I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.


However, I don't think I'll have that problem of making them 'try' different sports. I'm pretty sure our kids will come into this world holding a basketball/football/tennis racket/baseball glove/etc. or all of the above, and be ready to hit the field or court running.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Blogland has been freaking great! Slim Cat came back! Thank the lord. Draz has NUSSING to say really. lol. Miss Dawnya's going to be the next running queen bee! And tons of other bloggies that I've been keeping up with. Gosh, there's just so much going on!

Reallife has been semi-good. I was an iiiiitty bit hungover on Sunday and part of Monday, so that hampered my ability to function normally.  I only ran and worked out ONCE this week.  That's weak. But, life happens. 

I'm going to Fort Worth, TX this weekend to get my shopping/drinking/friend time on. We are driving down with some friends that I haven't gotten to hang with hardly at all this year so I'm pumped to catch up. 

Another big one: I'm signing up for another 5K on Monday! YIPPEE!  It's about 7 weeks away, Oct 1st to be exact.  AND!!!! They give you a beer and a brat at the end of the race!. Can you say BONUS! Training starts on Monday and I'm doing a 5K training plan listed on their website, by Sweat365. I'm excited. It requires running 3 days a week and I'm going to do Bodyrock.tv Tues and Thurs along with it.  I'm also revamping (I know, I know, AGAIN) the diet, trying to eat a little cleaner and healthier. Especially while out of town and on vacation.

Oh, bummer in reallife: work sucks. Printer's broken. Again. Work SUCKS. That's all I have to say about that.

All in all, busy little unicorn here.   I'll try to post some great pics of TX this weekend!!
 Everyone have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do! Hehehe. 

Ten Things Thursday

1. Little pink colors you are just not enough. I have to break up with you now, Pink, because I have found another luva.  He is fine and fantastic and I will obsess about him like some crazed psycho daisy may stalker.  Meet Brisk Blue:

WTH is up with my man hand?  Can anyone explain please? Because in my dainty slim fingers world my hands are small and elegant.  What aliens abducted my hands and replaced them with blubber sticks? Humm? I would like to know please! Because you are in big trouble.

2.  Along the lines of 'man'.....Apparently LauraBelle-grown man-pant veggies can not just be carrots.

They can be cucumbers also. How in the name of vegetable farts do these things happen in my garden?  I'm starting to think that coke'd up garden gnomes got ahold of some atomic-F-me-up chemicals and decided to have a 'sprinkle LauraBelle's garden' party.  Maybe I should start selling these on Ebay.

3. This is what happens after F. E. T. C. H. (remember, can't type it out loud or the 'child' will want to play again. And again. And again.)

2 milliseconds later:

4.  You know what the temperature high was yesterday?  Betcha really want me to share, huh? Well, I'm going to anyway. Try to keep up.  It was 83. EIGHTY-FREEZE MY TATAS OFF-THREE! It was almost unbelievable. Pretty sure I daydreamed the whole day, but it's fine.  You know what else happened yesterday.....pretty much all day.... It rained.  As in precipitation from the Good Looking George Clooney Puffy Cloud Sky Gods.  They have shined down upon thee and made me a happy camper.  Do you think the rain dance I've been preforming every night helped? Ya, me too. (Good thing Ryan's not around to see that shenanigans.)

5.  I didn't run last night. I actually didn't exercise at all yesterday.  When I woke up it was pouring, and I did my little happy rain dance, then went back to bed for an hour.  After work was the weekly 'cousin meeting' at the bowling alley/pizza joint/bar.  I may have had too much pizza. I also may have had too much beer.  And it may have been a blissful 79 degrees when i came home and the deck was shouting my name and I figured I'd better oblige before the neighbors got pissed at it's shouting. That's ok. That's life. I won't get my 5 days exercise in this week because.....

6.  I'm going to Fort Worth this weekend!  Hoooraaahhh for Texas, baby! Why do i chose to leave the heavenly temps of 80 degrees for sweltering Satan's armpit weather, you ask? Because I'm clearly insane.  No, really, I have some very great friends that live there and they can't live without seeing me (and my hubby) for more than a month, so we HAVE to go down there. For them, of course.  (Eating at great restaurants, drinking copious amounts of adult beverages and amazing shopping isn't a factor. It's all about 'the friends.') I can't wait. I'm so excited I could pee the TX state flag.

7.  Yesterday, another supervisor called me at 9am in the morning asking where his unit was. (Haha, didn't think about how perved that is until now. God I crack myself up.) Anywoozles.  I informed him that I didn't have his unit and that I checked it out a week ago.  Meaning: it is not in my possession, and hasn't been IN A WEEK.  He then proceeds to tell me that since he doesn't have it and the Parts Room doesn't have it, that logically I have to have it.  Yes, because that makes perfect sense in looloo land.  Here's the kicker: I asked if he has looked in his lab.  His response, "Well, Yeaaahhhh." F you very much, that was super mature.  I said, check AGAIN. Low and behold they found his unit in his lab.  Praise be to all that is Holy. Rude Ass. PS Rude Ass: Do not disturb me until 9:30am. The coffee has not hit my brain yet and I'm surprised I didn't bite off your unit.

8.  I have come to the conclusion that Dow Jones is never going to get laid.  I mean, if he did, I'm pretty sure his 'numbers' would be pointing in the right direction. Let's get it together Economy and get this guy a loose girl. (I should work in the stock market.)

9.  Wyatt licked his paws last night for I swear 45 minutes. Why in the WORLD do you feel the need to lick your paws for THAT long, Dog?  Slurp, Lick, Slurp, Lick, Cough...(hair up the nose), Slurp....
Really? You didn't get your toes clean enough the first 10 minutes? I don't even shower for 45 minutes.

10.  Tomorrow is Friday. I'm semi-sure I can make it one more day. Let's all put our hands together and pray for working printers. And no smurf spit-balls. (I changed it from exploding Smurfs because I didn't want to ruin your kids' lives. And i kinda felt bad about exploding the Smurfs in the first place.)

Now everyone go out and prosper!