Saturday, August 20, 2011

Just Every Day Normal....

Visiting my mom is like going to bed and waking up in a comedy club/hunting show/Alice in Wonderland movie. F'real.

First, I walk in the door and she tells me that she has decided to 'take a break' from The Schwan's Man. Seriously, Mother? 

The Schwan's Man has had a very special relationship with her and my stepdad Mike for quite a few years.  Numero Uno: they just leave their back door unlocked so he can just come in whenever to drop off the TONS of frozen yummy treats that I swear are made straight by Angels from Heaven. Granted they live in the country AND the freezer is in the mud room, right by the back door. But still.  Numero Dos (and this next one you're just going to die on): They just leave him a check, for whatever amount or possibly blank, just taped to the freezer door. Really Mother? Really? 

Then, when Mike was home during the day, him and the Schwan's Man (btw, still don't know his real name after years of him coming to my parents house, not odd at all) LOVED to have a little fun.  One instance, Mike got his pistol out of the gun safe and asked the guy if he'd act like Mike was 'holding him up' and take some pictures of it to put on the internet. 
So there's Mike with the gun in his hand 'sneaking' up to the door of the truck, in one photo. Then the next photo, there's the Schwan's Man, feet spread, hands on the side of the truck acting like Mike's going to frisk him or something.  Yup, totally normal. And we showed those photos at Mike's funeral. Have you ever seen people in nice suits and dresses just rolling on the floor laughing an hour after a funeral service? Well, I have. (Best thing ever!)

Anyway. I asked her how it was going and she replied, "Well, I just couldn't take it any more, I had to call him back." Shocker.  BUT, she asked him if he had any 'diet' ice cream.  And he suggested these little ice cream sandwiches that are only 150 calories and 3 grams of fat.  'Perfect! That's a great healthy choice!', I said.  Then Hardy, my Mom's boyfriend, pipes up and says, "Well not when you have TWO of them per night!" I just put my head in my hands and shook my head.

Second, Hardy then says, "Hey, Laura, I got something for ya."  Alrighty.  And he pulls out a Remington 1100 Shotgun and said, "This is yours. I'm cleaning it up for you and we're giving it to you."  WHAT?!!!! My very own gun?! Really???  (For all that don't know, I'm a hick. I like shooting things.  Shocker, I know.)  And this would be my very FIRST gun! Then my Mom explains that that was the gun that Mike gave to her, but she never uses it and thought it would be better if I had it.  YESSSS! I completely agree.  Very badass.
Just practicing shooting those gobblers.
(Sorry Dawnya, it's going to happen some day.)

Mean face.
I just have no clue what this is.
More mean face. Cause I'm a badass chick gun owner.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Mom showing me how a 'real' mean face is.  Keep practicing mom.

So, yeah. I'm officially a gun owner. BAAAAD. AAAsssssss!

Moving on.

Then, Mom says, "Come over here and look at my shrooms!!"  Huh?  Mother, when did you start tripping? Do we need to have a little chat about what druggies do to your brain? Hummmm, do we?

No, really, she's got crazy gargantuan psycho alien mushrooms freaking sprouting out of her lawn looking like they were made for that Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland movie. God, I love Johnny Depp.....MMmmm yummy. Sorry. Got sidetracked. It happens. Anyways.

Aren't they just totally freaky? Right? Well, I thought so.

Who the hell writes about a Schwan's Man, guns, and mushrooms in a blog that's supposed to be dedicated to beer, dogs and health?  Who the hell just writes about those crazy topics on ANY blog? Oh, yeah, I forgot, this looney toons.

And y'all read it. What's that say about you, huh? Well, it says we're all looney toons too.

This is what it's like every time I visit my Mom. Every. Time. Now you know where I get my kookiness. I had to grow up having conversations about completely worthless shit, but somehow it all made sense. Somehow. 

Well, I guess I lived up to the title of this crapshoot.....Just every day normal in crazytown here.

**Side note: Ryan and I went dishwasher shopping today. I know, y'all are jealous. Let me tell ya, it was a scintillating experience.  Anyway, we were walking out of Sears and I looked over and they had these little machines right next to the dishwashers, but half the size. And I said, "Look Ryan, we could get a mini-dishwasher for the lake cabin!"  He replies, "Those are trash compactors, dear." Awesome Laura. Classic ditz, right here Ladies and Gents. You know you all want to be just like me.
Doesn't get any better than that.

Good times.
Good weekend. 
And it's only Saturday night.


  1. I was all, "wow, those are some pretty mushroom pics". Then I remembered you're a photographer and it all made sense. My backyard shrooms don't look so artful, 's all I'm sayin.

    Your mean face could use some work, but I the shotgun gives it some credibility. :)

  2. Hahahaha!! Love reading your post - and yes, your mean face DOES need work! Maybe practice in front of a mirror!!

    Great shotgun! I've got a beautiful side by side that the Hubs bought for me when we moved out beyond the middle of nowhere! I love it!

  3. Nice pictures with the gun. I have two guns, one for skeet and one for other uses. Love them both. My Dad has like a million guns, guess that where I learned to love them so much :) Your Mom sounds funny, kind of like..YOU!

  4. I think this is the best blog post I've read by anyone ever! LOL!

  5. Have fun with the gun, but not tooi much. :)

  6. Your mean face isn't so mean, sorry :P

  7. I love reading your blog. It makes me giggle. :)

  8. OMG - before you entered blog world I did a whole post with me shooting guns - a freaking AK-47!!! You would have loved it. I love your crazy faces...I just love your faces period. xoxo

  9. I'm super jeal-y - I want my own gun! Sounds like your mom's a blast. :)

  10. Wow...we SO need to get together and trade shotgun stories!!! LOVE THIS POST!! Love your Mom too!!! The Schwan Man...well...he and I never could come to terms!

  11. You and your mom are adorable.

    I must admit, I am flat out scared of guns. I don't think I could ever be in the same room as one, much less hold one.

    And I've never heard of the "Schwann man". That is classic! haha

  12. OMG. Not sure what made me laugh harder- the whole ice cream guy in the house bit, your cute little attempt at a mean face, the Johnny Depp sidebar or the 'shrooms wrapup. Too funny!

  13. Just so you know, they do have 1/2 sized dishwashers. We were going to get one at work but it was cheaper to get the bigger sized one.
    Are those mushrooms safe to eat? We get toadstools that grow in our yard and I've been told they are poisonous.

  14. The mean face and your mom's mean face are my absolute favorites! You really do take excellent photographs. Thanks for sharing, and while I'm not a gun person, I'm so thrilled that you have something of Mike's that means so much to you.

    Also the ice cream treats sound yum!

  15. What a fun blog post! I love me some guns and that's a nice one. Congrats!

  16. I have two guns that live in my dad's house because I have munches. Shooting is fun, I agree.

    I feel your pain on the mean face thing, my mean face typically looks a little more pirate than badass.

  17. Um, your mom should totally have her own reality show. i'd watch it.

  18. New Reader!!!

    You had me hooked at

    You and your mom are toooo cute!!!

  19. LOL...It sounds like we are related...that is TOTALLY something my Dad would do! And the Dad has so many that he has put them in his will(I don't have any now, but I'll be inheriting a shit-load of them)!!

  20. Seriously!!!! You + a gun = dead deer. Me no happy right now.

    You are so lucky I love your little hick ass. LOL

    Those means faces needs some serious just look like you are having a hard time pooping. LOL

    I can't believe your mom tried to break up with the Schwan man...that is blasphemy.

    Those icecream treats are to die for. I really think those shrooms are drugs...I don't care what you say. That is the only way to explain this blog post...drug induced. LOL

  21. All of that makes perfect sense to me.....coming from small town America too. And how could she break up w/ the Schwans man?!?

    You go girl with your new shotgun! Totally bad ass!!! :)

  22. LOL! You look so cute with that gun and I don't even like them!


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