Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ten Things Thursday

1.     I signed up for my first 5K.  Holy crap. It’s the Cookie Daze 5K in Newton,KS on July 9th @ 8:00am. Holy crap. I think I’m hyperventilating.  No, seriously, I’m excited. I ran a 5K (or 3.125 miles) this morning and made it in 34 minutes. WHAT?! Who is this person?  It can’t be the girl who chose to participate in ONE sport in high school, which was tennis, because that’s the sport that the coaches made you run the least amount.  No joke. We ran around the block and that was it. Now I’m running 5K’s. What the hell.
2.    Warning: Total bitchy rant: I recently purchased some bathing suits from Newport News magazine (which I’ve purchased before). They are cheap, they fit well, and I like the styles.  Well, some didn’t fit so well, so I returned them…..on MAY 19th!  I still haven’t gotten a refund. So I call yesterday to see what’s up.  Well, Newport News, Spiegel and Shape Fx have filed Chapter 11.  Do you know what that means? Because I sure don’t. But the asswipe foreign lady (that talked like she had a freaking donut in her mouth) on the phone informed me that under the Chapter 11 ‘protection’ law, I will not receive my refund because the company is basically bankrupt.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I said fine, then I want my merchandise that I paid for. She replied, “Well, I can put in a request for you, but it’s highly unlikely that will be allowed.”  That’s when I spewed a crap-ton of curse words at her and said, “Well, fine, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever do business with your company or any of their affiliates ever again. And you better start looking for different employment because YOUR COMPANY SUCKS GREEN MONKEY BALLS and won’t be able to afford to pay you the measly $2 an hour that your getting for sitting on your ass and being a cranky ho-bag!” Ok, I think I went a little overboard. But Christ. Now I’m out 20 bucks. That coulda bought a 30-pack people.
3.    My brother and his wifey Jennifer are having a Diapes and Wipes baby shower this weekend for their first baby boy.  He is to be born on July 25th. We, as in anyone other than Mike, Jennifer, and Trinity (their daughter), are not privileged enough to know the name because we are peasants. What the crap is that? Now, all I think about is what my new nephew’s name is going to be. Could it be Banjo Patrick? Or Rocket Valentino? Or Audio Science? All real baby boy names, BTW, I looked it up. It’s perplexing to say the least. But I’m super excited to see them and have beer and bbq. Because life is just better with beer and bbq and SIL’s that look too cute to be true preggers.
4.    I’ve been walking around my office and work buildings today like a duck. Why? Oh, because it’s the cool kid thing to do. You should all try it, and then send me pictures. Really, my hips feel like I did the splits holding a 134 lb tree log over my head and stayed in that position for 18 hours. Like those world champion weightlifting/power lifting weirdo dudes on ESPN. The only way to walk is with my semi-large pooper jutted out like a pimple on a sixteen year old boy’s face and to bend over having my acorns practically touch my knees. (This is quite an accomplishment just in itself.) Damn you running 10 miles in 12 hours on concrete after sitting on said pooper for a week. (I even stretched. Didn’t do diddily, obviously.)
5.    I just looked up ‘Diddily’ to see if I spelled it right and this is what Urban Dictionary say’s one meaning is:
1. C-Diddily

A person in Kansas who knows he is white but purposely takes the nickname of a seemingly ghetto origin. Short for Cole D.

What up C-Diddily?
You were killed by C-Diddily with an AK-47
Shit son its C-Diddily
(Now can’t you just picture gramps sittin’ on the porch in a wife beater and his teeth laying at the bottom of his glass of Old Milwaukee's Best and saying this?)
Oh my.
6.    My friend Rebecca (who unfortunately I have to work with every day, it’s just torture) brought me a ISOPURE protein drink this morning. She’s been using it after her workouts and loves it. I can’t wait to try it!
40g of protein, WHAT?! 160 Cal, no sugar, no fat. Pure awesome-pawesome.  
7.    I needed a little giggle today, so I went through some of my old posts and found this one about my mom taking her ‘herd’ to the vet. It’s downright cry your eye’s out hilarious. Some of you have probably read it, but some newbies probably haven’t. (It's about half way down.)
8.    Oh, and any badass new people that are following me: Make sure you link your email to your blogger profile page (and make sure it’s correct) because I’ve tried to email a few of you back that have commented and I can’t find an email.  Now,it could be that I’m about as computer literate as an 8 year old boy from the Kenyan desert, but just double check, will ya?  Also, make sure there’s a link to your blog, if you have one. Because I love to follow peeps that follow me! And if I’m not following you, send me an email. STAT! (Just click on Account, top right, then on the Settings next to Blogger, click the boxes for ‘Share email address’ and ‘Share my blog’.)
9.    I’m a farmer. I plant things and they grow. Like Jack and the Bean Stock grow.  I will be farting cucumber seeds for 3 years with all the cucs that are blooming in my little garden.  Oh, and tomato seeds too. Because the 4 little tomato plants I planted are kickin’ out some major toms. I mean….HUGE.  And my carrots?! Holy sweet orange colored spears of loveliness. I had, just HAD to pick one the other day. It was the best damn thing I’ve ever eaten in my life I tell ya! (Not biased at all.)  You all just wait. Canning lessons, with full-on pictures, are going to be gracing this lovely purple blahgy page soon.
10.  There are only 8 more days of National Bathroom Reading Month. Grab a book, magazine, or blog post and enjoy your pooper visit.


  1. 1) I'm so happy and proud for you!! You will rock it fo sho!
    2) Newport does suck green monkey balls for that lil stunt they pulled....boooo!
    4) Sounds like more stretching and an epsom salt soak are in order...sorry you are sore!
    6) WHERE DID SHE GET THAT PROTEIN DRINK?? That much protein to that many calories rocks! I must get some!!!

    Later gater!

  2. You are so funny! Hey about the swimsuit, call your credit card holder and complain there. They will refund you and then they can fight for the dough!

  3. You are so funny!! I would have been just as pissed off at that lady too. $$$ is $$$. Jeeze

    Good luck with the 5k!!

  4. So yeah, I read the trip to the vet and laughed out loud (fo realz) and snorted a bunch while reading that. My co-workers now are peeking over cubicle walls at me I know they are expecting some funny youtube or something. Think your mom may be willing to reinact? You could even do the sepia coloring and speed it up a bit so it looks like an old fashioned film. Maybe add black screens with text on it. : )

    PS - hate that company that is keeping your money and merchandise. Obviously customer service is a big reason why they are going under. /nod

  5. Yay for your first 5k! that is awesome pawsome! Super proud of you and can't wait to hear all about it.
    I am going to have to go read that herd story esp after seeing the above statement.
    I hear ya on the not being able to figure out who is following you, kinda pisses me off a little.

  6. Holy magnifico! That is just awesome. I don't know if I'll ever run 5k, but if I would, I would hope to be as awesome at it as you. :)

  7. Dude- do you know how many times you said the P word in this post? You should be shot at high noon or something. YAY for the 5k. You're going to kick ass at it. I say run it in heels so it's a real challenge. Thank you for the info on Newport News - I order from there. I mean I used to. Love you mini-me.


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